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Needless to say she is griving but also having trouble understanding I respect her financial privacy and expect her to respect mine. I have expressed this to her and now she avoids me by staying in bed, she is 80 yrs old; I haven't sold my house yet and wonder if I should move back; I would be worried about her being alone.

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Think very carefully about this. You will have problems reversing the situation if it doesn't work. You need to consider your daughter. Yes, your mother is grieving and she needs your help. But go slowly with any big change like moving in. That will work if there is lots of room and you are respectful of each other and compatible. But there already looks like some control issues. Consider if the control issues would be better if she lived with you and sold her house?

She may be ready to sell her home and move to assisted living where she would have peers to interact with (some are excellent, others not, so research and check references). Or maybe paid in-home help for her would work, with you just checking in on her regularly.

Living together works for some and it would be lovely if it did for everyone. But it can be very complicated. Just think it over carefully and maybe talk it over with several friends or even a counselor, before deciding. Meanwhile, give her all the help and support you can.
Carol
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The only advise I would give you is ... Have you ever lived with your parents as an adult. I have my father living with my husband and I and there are days where I want to pull out all my hair. He drives me crazy with his little quirks and it has been a stress on my marriage. I would think long and hard about it. If you do move it maybe it is with the condition of a certain time frame. That way you can get out if it is not working and there may not be hurt feelings. As far as your mother being lonely I have my mom in a ALF and it is the best thing that ever happened to her. She is social and now has people her age to interact with everyday. She loves it. All of this is hard and certainly no fun. Best to you
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think Carol and Alena have given sound advice. This is a very big step for you and your daughter, and 'territorial issues' can be very difficult to surmount. Perhaps a holiday/a few days away on completely neutral territory would allow discussion and further consideration. What are the range of options ? If you really think living together is the answer, and your present home is not suitable, is your Mother's home the best solution - or would it be worth considering finding a new place for all of you, with suitable accommodation - and no personal history for any of you. Give yourselves time to assess and consider the options carefully before plunging in....... And very best wishes for you all - whatever decision you reach.
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How old is your Mom? Does she have some health issues or is she just afraid to be alone? I would think long and hard before doing this. How does your daughter feel about it? To completely dissrupt your daughters life may cause some problems. Do you and your Mom communicate well? I would consider moving her in with you rather than the other way. You would then have more control. Your daughter needs you to be her Mom. I do admire your concern for your Mom.... take care J
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Absolutely NOT. Do not move in with your mother. She must learn to cope with the loss of her husband. She should seek grief counseling if needed, and befriend others of her own age group.
No matter what her reasons are, not withstanding the financial, do not move in with your mother.
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I would say no at this point she needs to learn how to cope and become her own person perhaps you could visit for a few days more than 3 and see what your realationship is then you can make a decision with more info and with your head as well as with your heart she would do better to be with others her own age to begin with and senior housing is very nice now and age appropiate for most people-this is a decision that needs a space of time before any change is made. She needs to grieve first and learn to care for herself-at this point she probably feels very strange-I know I do and it has been 3 weeks since he is gone and my kids are giving me space as are my friends and I really need this time to adjust we were married 46 yrs- I was lucky I had formed frienships before and have activities I have been doing a long time and need along time encourage her to fill her time there are so many lonely folks out there who would value her frienship and you need to grive yourself your own way.
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The only one who can answer that question is you. Look at what your relationship is with your mom, and what your daughter's relationship is with both of you. If you relate well as adults, then great. If you have unresolved issues, look at it. But don't deprive yourself of her company out of worry what might happen.

Carol's advice is very sound - it is hard to reverse big decisions. I would however point out that it can work, or you may find alternatives that you haven't considered. I never thought I would have my mother live with me. But as luck would have it, she now does and we do get along just fine. Just look to yourself and ask what is the worst that could happen if you invited her to your house for a few weeks vacation....take it slow.
Your daughter may or may not thank you now. But I hope she will also benefit from extended family.

Take care.
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Basically, your mother is lonely since your father passed. That is the primary reason that she wants you to move in with her. Do not let her "guilt" you into doing this.

My advice is DO NOT move in with her. It is not fair to you or to your daughter. Her loneliness is not a reason to move in. If she is unable to live alone due to health issues, or her house is too unwieldly for her, it would be better to have her move in with you (where you are in control), or help her find an assisted living arrangement.
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The shock of losing your spouse is tramatic, and just the depression alone can bring on alzheimer's/dementia. I think this was part of my dad's problem when my mom died, along with alcohol abuse. Anyway, everyone here is giving great advice, but she is 80yrs old, and will become needy and childlike. Looking into an assisted living facility, or part time in home help is a very good idea. It may keep her active, and part of her mind away from focusing on the loss 24/7. I don't know, this is just my opinion. I moved my dad in with my husband, children and I for 7 months, and we are lucky to still be married. Like some say, this can work for some, and not others. It will not be a piece of cake so do think very hard about the consequences before you make a decision. In my case, I really had no other choice at the time, if I loved, and cared for my dad. But now, he is much happier, and more independent, but still being taken care of, and active. The best of luck to you, and may the Lord bless you and guide you.
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