littlebiluny2, Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you. Linda
I went thru the same thing with my mother in law. She has hated me from the day I met her son 14 years ago. It is ironic now that I am the one caring for her.
I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in. We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.
We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you. helpful things to try. 1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do 2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them 3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves 4) never engage them when they are upset 5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated 6) compliment them 7) try to focus their attention to something else 8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry 9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong
So glad that we have each other. Support groups are wonderful, but I night when I am feeling down, it is good to know that you are all just a click away! Linda
I was cautioned against trying to teach someone with dementia something... Translated: they don't understand, so how can they "learn?" But if their behavior is intentionally directed at you, and they know it, that's a different story. But it may be necessary for you to walk...temporarily.
can you just walk away when she starts in-I had to do that and it got so I would stay away from the nursing home for days when he started verbally abusing me-does she treat others the same if it is only you you need to teach her it is not allright to do that to you and talking about does no good it is action that changes it.
Bravo, congratulations for asking for help! That's important knowing your boundaries, and exercising them it just as vital. When she rants, you can turn on your heels and leave, or try redirecting her. That's what nursing homes do. Direct her focus toward something she enjoys (like puppies, or a favorite memory). You can say, "I know you feel this way, but that is not an acceptable way to express it, Mom." Go back out of the room, give her a moment to regroup, then come back in, smiling with a happy greeting. Sometimes medications can help with this as well.
We had to deal with catastrophic reactions and angry outbursts with my Dad. Abrupt emotionally charged explosions happen often with my Mom. It puts me on edge, but the more I learn about dementia, Alzheimer's and Personality Disorders, the more it helps me understand and deal with THEIR problem.
For my own emotions, dealing with their dement, I read literature corresponding to their diagnosis, and I attend Support Groups, which helps a great deal. Just knowing we're not alone, and our loved ones aren't necessarily attacking us personally, helps me cope with the ugly reality of the situation, which can sometimes seem confusing.
Lovingdaughter and Mimis made some great suggestions, and a Geriatric Assessment sounds like the logical way to go at this point. By all means, take care of you, too! :)
We have the same mother ; ) Mine was always like this, though. At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.
It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm), then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true methods with them.
You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What price tag do you want to put on your life?"
I think that a work up by a gerontologist or neurolgist would be extremely helpful. If the behavior is a symmptom of AD that is one thing. if it's a temper tantrum, that calls for different action. And it's important to find out immmediately. Call you local Altzheimer's Assoc. for local diagnosticians or check your local phone book for memory clinics. There are medications that may help. Mimi
Can you give her an ultimatum? If the caregiver goes, so do I? I know it sounds harsh, but you need to take control. If you have her evaluated, it will be easier for her to be treated. She may need meds to control her behavior, and a full geriatric review will let you know what course to take. Linda
Thank you for your comments. My mother has not been diagnosed with Alzheimers, but does have short term memory loss and am sure that this will progress, and so she has the beginning stage of dementia. She knows where she lives, who her children are, etc. My mother has always been a volatile person, and so since I am living with her, it seems to her normal to vent her anger on me. She has always needed a focal point for her anger. She will not let anyone in the house in terms of my getting help for her at home. My sister and I have tried this, and she simply would not let the caregiver in her house. I can take outbursts, but most recently, the moment that I walk in the door back from any errand, I am greeted with yelling and ranting, and of course, very demeaning and demoralizing comments.
Contact your local hospital and ask for a full geriatric review. If you can't locate the service, ask her DR. This is very helpful and will give you some peace of mind. You seem to need some separation. Can you hire someone to stay with her for a few hours a day to give yourself a break? I do and it has literally saved my life and sanity! Linda
Why is she abusive? Does she have Alzheimer's or other cognitive disease? Can she take care of herself? is this new behavior or has she aklways b een like this? Does she need a medical evaluation. Can you move out?
Smart lady you are. We had a caregiver that mom didn't like and we said too bad. The woman hung in there, and now mom considers her family!! This is not an easy job we do, but you should be commended for taking care of your MIL. I never would have been able to do it. Good for you.
Linda
I was not sure I could deal with it, she was telling our son bad things about me, ranting to my husband about me when ever I walked out of a room. I did a lot of research and found a few things that helped. we put a rocking chair in front of her window, bought her a tv. (rocking helps sooth elderly patients) We started giving her time alone away from the commotion of everyday life, and she improved. We also stopped engaging her, when she would start we tell her that we will talk about it in a little bit and walk away. She never remembers when we come back in.
We tried hiring pt people and people to help her bathe, but no one would work with her because of her aggression towards me. which is funny because she always did what they said, she just cussed me the entire time. I would ask them when we interviewed them not to speak to me under any circumstances because it upsets her and every time they would. Even when I would go off away from them they would hunt me down. It was hard having everyone hear bad things about me, it hurt because I am the only on that has been here for her in the last 2 years.
We have had some of the best stress relief laughing about some of the things that go on here, it makes it easier to get thru each day. I also took a vacation spur of the moment to Hawaii and every time I think I cant go on I close my eyes and see the beach. I hope things get easier for you.
helpful things to try.
1) schedule is important. sane thing every day even tho they don't remember doing them they kind of do
2) giving them time alone away from everything calms them
3)rocking chair or glider helps calm nerves
4) never engage them when they are upset
5) always greet them with a positive tone, even when you are frustrated
6) compliment them
7) try to focus their attention to something else
8) give them a project they can handle, like folding laundry
9) when instructing them to do something be positive, don't point out something they are doing wrong
0
Linda
I'm going to my support group, now...
We had to deal with catastrophic reactions and angry outbursts with my Dad. Abrupt emotionally charged explosions happen often with my Mom. It puts me on edge, but the more I learn about dementia, Alzheimer's and Personality Disorders, the more it helps me understand and deal with THEIR problem.
For my own emotions, dealing with their dement, I read literature corresponding to their diagnosis, and I attend Support Groups, which helps a great deal. Just knowing we're not alone, and our loved ones aren't necessarily attacking us personally, helps me cope with the ugly reality of the situation, which can sometimes seem confusing.
Lovingdaughter and Mimis made some great suggestions, and a Geriatric Assessment sounds like the logical way to go at this point. By all means, take care of you, too! :)
At some point, I realized, the tables have turned and it's time
she realizes that. When she would begin to get abusive, I would
tell her, "Not acceptable behavior." and turn my back and walk out. When something needed to be done in some way, I laid down the law that it would be done my way. I wouldn't get angry, just keep insisting that this is the way it was going to be... period.
It may sound harsh, but I had to stop the abusive behavior
and tantrums, and the only way to do that was not to let her
get what she wanted -- mainly, a reaction or her way. It will
begin to fade, then it will rear it's ugly head again (stay firm),
then it will stop. I train dogs, and use the same tried and true
methods with them.
You don't say if you moved in with her or just visit. If you have
the financial option, you might want to check out Assisted Living
facilities and see if that's possible. As one friend told me, "What
price tag do you want to put on your life?"
Best wishes,
Joanne
Mimi
Linda
Linda
Can you move out?