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My brother tells me that people used to have children for an extra "farm hand". I would like to think those days are gone.
Is this what GOD meant when he said:"Go forth and multiply"? I'm not buying into this whole personal servant mess. That is the wrong reason to have children!!!!!!
We are ALL entitled to a life!
For the person that asked the question if you should tell your mom, NO at your age you don't owe your mom any explanations.
Tonight I'm having a party (BAR B Q), this evening to be exact. I've said not one word to my mom or sister about the party. I know my mom would start asking a whole bunch of questions and tell me how I should entertain and decorate. I've decorated my way outside, and invited whom I wanted to invite. Don't want to hear about who will be eating up all the food and trying to take some home with them, and don't want to be asked if I can bring her a plate, yeah right in the middle of the party everything must stop and I must bring her a plate.
Not this time, this time it's all me. It's taken a long time to get to the place I'm at now, but although moms life is coming to an end, mine must go on.
So as I do all the last minute dudads, I'm listening to my music while finishing up my inside cooking while my friend does his thing on the grill.
Here's hoping all us caregivers have a wonderful 4th of July!
Explain to them that you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Finding happiness with friends and dating is how you can do that. If they don't understand that, they'll have to get over it. You are in complete control of this situation.
Good luck,
SlimJim
To put it about as bluntly as I care to right now, remind yourself that you are a 66 year old adult woman, and adult daughter of your mother, but not a 6 year old little girl or your mother's 6 year old daughter.
Your social life is none of her _ business. Sometimes young people just like some older people don't think anyone else should have a romantic life at all which is sick. Live a little! Swing from the chandeliears if you want to, but you don't need mommy's approval, permission, nor does she need to know about it. Make it so and go for it!
It could be that some of these meddling mothers are the codependent type of personality, and since they can't do much to really help their children any more, nor even help themselves, offering opinions about boyfriends is one way they can still play the game. Just an idea... here's a definition about it, written by a therapist who admits she is a codependent therapist who will keep you in therapy just to continue to help you.
"Definition Of Codependency: Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. This addiction is sometimes so strong, the codependent will cause the other person to continue to be needy. This behavior is called enabling.
"The enabler will purposefully overlook someone abusing a child, will call in sick for someone suffering from addiction, will put roadblocks to prevent their child from becoming independent, or even keep a sick family member from getting the treatment that would make them well. These are behaviors common to codependents.
"A codependent often suffers from a 'Messiah Complex' where he sees problems with everyone and sees himself as the only person who can help. Here is where I need to work...trying to be 'Mr. Fixit' for everyone...even those who don't feel they need anything fixed."
Way to go ladies!
My mother moved in shortly after I left the Marine Corps in late 1993, and soon began to sabotage any kind of contact I could have with female friends or acquaintances -- especially if they asked me out on a date (whether just dinner or full service) . I became a widower in 1988 (age 28), so I concentrated on my twin boys and gave myself ample time to heal before I could love that way again.
Sometimes mom would pick up the kitchen phone while I was in the shower, and yell things like "booty call," or say "Otra cuero. ... Mujeres decentes no llaman a los hombres para salir. ... Esa lo que quiere son chavos". ("Another trick. ... Decent women don't ask men out. ... All she wants is money.") By the time I got to the phone the line was either dead or the caller would express her disappointment at my mother's "lengua sucia" (dirty tongue) and never call again. When I asked mom about it, she'd deny it by claiming that whoever called was simply trying to get her put out so she could move in. To her, they were all golddigging s__ts. I told mom never to pick up the phone -- which she always did when I wasn't around.
She continued playing the victim to cover up her lies, deceit, sabotage, and manipulation until I had her placed in a senior citizens home. During the admission interview, I said she was lonely, depressed, a spiteful handful, and "a danger to herself and others." I must have been blessed from above, because they took her in that same week.
Behaviors without consequences are apt to be repeated, and she seems to have learned her lesson. At least with me. She respects my boundaries and knows that when she drops by she's not my "protective" mother but my guest, in my house, under my rules. With some of my sisters who are in between part-time husbands, however, she hasn't missed a beat. She picks up their phone, and says things like "What do you want? ... She ain't here. ... You got the wrong number." When my sisters ask who called, Ms. McNasty says "Some low-down, dirty dog looking for p_____. Didn't give a name, so I hung up."
Mom is the primary reason why my sisters' relationships never last long and their children only have shadow fathers who don't bother to call or come by to see if the kids need anything. ... Mom is always there, stirring the pot, making sure none of these men do anything to then say they do nothing for their children. Until my sisters are able to see the forest for the trees, nothing will change. After all, misery loves company and moms knows best.
I'll sign off for now and get back to work.
-- ED
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. To lay that burden on children (young or old) is not a loving gesture. It is controlling, manipulative, and selfish. It's like that old saying from the 70s: If you love some one, set them free - by "free" we mean spiritually and emotionally.
I agree with all above. Please do not become a victim of your Mom's fear. Stay calm and enjoy your life - you deserve happiness too.
Lilli
I don't know why I didn't come up with this before: DOUBLE DATE. Your mom is only 88, she's not homebound, and I'm sure she quietly yearns for male companionship every now and then. After all, she's still breathing. If a double date isn't possible, hook her up with one of her trusted SINGLE acquaintances or friends. There might not be any "chaca chaca," but it'll certainly alleviate her depression if only for a few days.
Girls just want to have fun, don't they? If she can't beat you, she might as well join you ... or sign up at the nearest convent.
-- ED
Is she jealous because she can't have what you can, or that she wants you all to herself so you can serve her needs at the drop of a hat?
If you simply tell her you're going out but she's watching you get ready for a hot date, she'll know. So you might as well come straight out instead of concocting some lame story. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad. After "Don't hate mom," tell her to get used to the fact that you STILL look darn good at 66 and need your loving.
When you come back from your date, she'll probably try to make you feel guilty about "abandoning" her when she needed you the most. Don't fall for it; and don't apologize because that might give her the opportunity to sabotage your next date.
Have fun, and play it safe (you know what I mean).
-- ED
Making sure our elderly parents are taken care of is biblical, but now where does it say we have to do it personally. Now where does it say when your parent's get old you shall leave your spouse and cling to your parents as if you were their little child again although those like my MIL never do want their children to get married for they train them to be their mother type person when they get old and a spouse would just be in the way. My grandmother told my mother once, 'it is time for you to leave your husband and come live with me and take care of me." and she was a good Christian Presbyterian woman as least as churchianity religious standards go which an't very deep.
The most bitter people that I've met in nursing homes are old maids who did exactly what I read so many people here doing. Two who come to mind put their entire lives on hold while other siblings left and got a life. They stayed because they were told that was their duty and were promised to have the house and farm later on. Well, they did and by the time they were old themselves, they were some of the most bitter rich people one has ever met.
This "I promised them "For better or worse...till death us do part" " is part of a wedding vow. What is going to hold a man back is if he perceives that you are emotionally enmeshed with your parents; if you are so emotionally absorbed in them that you are not able or willing to make any emotional attachement to him. Now, I'm speaking as one with some experience about this very thing in my own marriage. Men don't like being married to a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl who is not their own person. Why? Because it creates an unhealthy triangle in the relationship. It is like you are married to more than one person which makes one feel very alone and betrayed much like an affair without what we usually think of on that subject. Women don't like the same sort of over attachment to his mother for the same reason unless they want to take over mom's job and treat their husband like a little boy.
Remember in situations like this that you are your parent's adult child and not their little child. As an adult and particularly at the ages shared here and others who are younger who have asked similar questions, you don't need your parent's permission do date nor do you have to tell them every part of your life. You are a human being and unless you are a nun, then get out there find yourself a man; enjoying dating and if it becomes serious fine and if not fine. You much chose a healthy path for yourself. If your aging parents like it fine and if they don't like it fine. You are not their slave, but an adult with normal human needs.
Making sure our elderly parents are taken care of is biblical, but now where does it say we have to do it personally. Now where does it say when your parent's get old you shall leave your spouse and cling to your parents as if you were their little child again although those like my MIL never do want their children to get married for they train them to be their mother type person when they get old and a spouse would just be in the way. My grandmother told my mother once, 'it is time for you to leave your husband and come live with me and take care of me." and she was a good Christian Presbyterian woman as least as churchianity religious standards go which an't very deep.
The most bitter people that I've met in nursing homes are old maids who did exactly what I read so many people here doing. Two who come to mind put their entire lives on hold while other siblings left and got a life. They stayed because they were told that was their duty and were promised to have the house and farm later on. Well, they did and by the time they were old themselves, they were some of the most bitter rich people one has ever met.
This "I promised them "For better or worse...till death us do part" " is part of a wedding vow. What is going to hold a man back is if he perceives that you are emotionally enmeshed with your parents; if you are so emotionally absorbed in them that you are not able or willing to make any emotional attachement to him. Now, I'm speaking as one with some experience about this very thing in my own marriage. Men don't like being married to a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl who is not their own person. Why? Because it creates an unhealthy triangle in the relationship. It is like you are married to more than one person which makes one feel very alone and betrayed much like an affair without what we usually think of on that subject. Women don't like the same sort of over attachment to his mother for the same reason unless they want to take over mom's job and treat their husband like a little boy.
Remember in situations like this that you are your parent's adult child and not their little child. As an adult and particularly at the ages shared here and others who are younger who have asked similar questions, you don't need your parent's permission do date nor do you have to tell them every part of your life. You are a human being and unless you are a nun, then get out there find yourself a man; enjoying dating and if it becomes serious fine and if not fine. You much chose a healthy path for yourself. If your aging parents like it fine and if they don't like it fine. You are not their slave, but an adult with normal human needs.
So, it's none of my business really, but the thought of those guys getting any of Mom's money makes me fume. Perhaps that is what is going on in your mother's mind.
I personally think it is possible that your Mom would be jealous if you were to date,as it could possibly mean you would show her less attention--Or is she just being over-protective ` as a Mom?
As a former caregiver myself- I have come to realize that it is very important. that in order to remain affective-we also need some time for ourself-dating or othrwise. So, if possible, take this one step at a time, and do not forget about YOU!-your health, or your social life (whatever it may be)..And drop any guilt feelings to do so. For each minute-or hour we spend as just caregiving-is the time we can never get back-
Best,
Hap
My mother had the same kind of misgivings when I started dating after 5 years of not seeing anyone. I did not make a big deal of it. I just started going out with my boyfriend and reassured her that I would be there for her. After a month or so I brought him home to dinner and we all played Crazy Eights. Yes – she was worried but I think that acting very matter-of-factly helped. I won’t say we didn’t have fights about it because she never came out and said she was worried about losing me; instead she latched on to any other little thing that she could to point out that he would not be right for me. But I found that keeping calm was my best bet and not letting her sidetrack the conversation. When you do get to the point where you want to talk about it – mention that just because you date someone doesn’t mean that the logical conclusion is marriage. Heck you might just want to get out of the house once in a while. Also my boyfriend and I have continued to do things with my mother so that she saw we could all benefit by the relationship. I know that some parents are more difficult than others but this is doable.
Ted and timmyk48 – Don’t count yourself out of dating before you even try! You never know who you might meet. My boyfriend (who now lives with us) has been so good and such a help. Sure you might meet someone who doesn’t want to deal with the fact that you can’t go out on a moment’s notice or who frankly doesn’t like old people – but if they really like you they will put up with it. I think as people get older that are much more willing to make sacrifices. So start slowly – introduce them to your parents in a setting you can all enjoy – and good luck!
I promise I'll try to take things a little less ....seriously.
And - another perspective - going out on a date does not mean an ultimate, complete relationship. You can simply go out to dinner and have a good time! You don't have to decide before socializing if it is going to interrupt your whole life style! Relax - accept people's friendship and stay with the moment. You can have fun and still be a loving caregiver.
I'm 47 yrs old and have put my entire life, carreer, socialization, everything! on hold to keep mom at home for the duration. It's hard sometimes not to be resentful and to remember that this was ultimately my choice.
I am 62 single and care for both my parents in their condo in Florida.
I moved here 18 months ago to do this.
I would like to find a special man...but fear no one will want me because of my situation caring for them. I can get out with notice...have to make sure their needs are met before I leave. They get so excited when I go out a few hours with girlfriends to dinner or to dance...don't think they would be against me dating. They know I won't leave them...I promised them "For better or worse...till death us do part" Someday they know they will be going to a nursing home. They're in their 80's.
My concern is would a man avoid me because I am not free like most women my age? There I have said it....when is my turn for happiness.
Moonbeam, I am so happy for you!