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My brother passed away. He drove her back and forth spring and fall. Both my sister and I would like her not to do this and would like for her to stay in Florida this year as we cannot take her. She is insisting she is going to drive herself and is trying to guilt us in to complying with her. We have stated we do not want her to attempt driving on major highways that she has not been on in 20 years. She is also hard of hearing and has COPD. What do we do????

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I understand your deliema.
my husband had to give up driving because he has numerous health issues, one of which is 3 stroke/seizures. the doctor forbid him from driving...he vehemently refused, and got beligerent everytime I put the keys away. continually said he knew he could drive. On a visit to his neurologist he was told: Yes you are physically able to drive, however in saying that, here is what could happen...in SC if you drive, knowlingly that you have had seizures it is 6 mo time frame (being seizure free) then you can drive, other states it is much longer. if you are driving, have an accident with injuries to an other, you can go to jail and have to pay a very high price, even possible being sued. "If you drive and kill someone, that is vehicular homicide, and you will go to prison" this is FACT...he absolutly hates the fact that I have to do all the driving now...but the thought of PRISON for life, and total loss of freedom, finally got thru to him. Having dealt with that, then we had to deal with selling his truck....another battle, because even tho he "got" that he wasn't to drive, the idea of giving up his truck (his freedom) was unthinkable to him (even tho the truck is now in another state) finally I spoke to him about all that a son had done for us, and he could sure use the truck in his business, it was only sitting unused...finally he said I was right, lets do it. (this was done in one short lucid moment.
As we age it seems the stubborness that kept us going all our lives, is enhanced because we can feel the freedoms slipping away and it frightens us. I know that was it with my husband and I sometimes feel that way too. I don't know if this will help you, but do keep on with the "No Driving for her" for her sake, but also for those she may come in direct contact with. perhaps contact an elder care community or elder attorney, who can connect you with someone in her area, to get thru to her. In FLA there are numerous agencies.
My prayers are with you, good luck.
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Well, I am awake thinking about your dilemma . Hmmmm, is her NY house really bad? Maybe get the city to say it is unsafe due to mold. You could make a call and see if they can check it -but she would probably have to be there when they do. Is there a caretaker for the house during the winter months that could make the call on your behalf? Someone who checks on the place? Maybe they could call about the mold.
I wonder if your Mom is not just wanting to change houses but maybe missing your brother and their travel time together. Maybe she is lonely? Would she stay in Florida if you and your sister promised to visit her there (if possible). This is a toughie. Good luck!
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I think that there are two questions here.
1) Should Mom continue to spend part of the year in NY? I know two couples who spend part of the year in Arizona and part in Minnesota. (I'll bet you can guess which part is where!) My uncle used to spend part of the year in Texas and part in South Dakota. My friends are young enough and well-off enough that maintaining two homes in different climates is not a burden. My uncle reached the point where the expenses and the difficulty of travel caused him to reluctantly give up one place. If Mom does not have the resources to maintain two homes that are safe and comfortable, then maybe she needs to hear advice about settling on one place or the other, and letting some other nice family have the year-round benefit of the other place.

Aside from climate, what is the attraction in each place? Does she have family, or very good friends in each place? Are there items of sentimental value in one or both places? If so, can you figure out a way to provide that in one place? If she stays in Florida, could her NY friends and family visit her? Most people would love to get a plane ticket for a visit to Florida in January! If she has a wishing well and garden statues in Florida and she decides to fix up the NY house and live there, she could pack up the garden and move it with her. Try to figure out ways she doesn't have to give up everything in one place or the other -- that she could somehow retain what is important to her.

Also, what are the benefits to her of selling the NY property? Can one of you contact a Realtor there and get some idea of what she might net on the sale? Then translate that into something meaningful to her -- with that amount of money in the bank you could fly to CA and TX twice a year for the next x years!

If there really isn't a strong attraction back in NY except habit, and if the NY house really isn't safe, especially with her COPD, then the real decision isn't about should she drive alone, it is about should she continue to maintain two residences.

2) If it really does make sense for her to live part of the year here and part of the year there, then the question is should she drive alone? That answer is simple. No. Is there a niece or nephew or cousin's best friend's son or ANYONE she could trust who could be hired to make this trip, perhaps with airfare home?

Since this is the first time she hasn't gotten her way, it is likely to continue to be contentious. You may not be able to stop her, but keep trying to resolve this in a way that is safe for her!
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I can understand your concern. This scares me and she's not even my mom. I travel frequently by myself in my car and my husband and I travel by car together. You always have to be aware of your surroundings when you stop, be careful where you stop, watch for gas stations, be prepared for bad weather, deal with rush hour graffic in large cities, just to name a few. It's a chore for us and we are nowhere near 90 years old. My friends mom , a few years younger than your mom insisted on driving back and forth like you're mom wants to do. She got confused in a rain storm and didn't make it home, I'm sorry to say. Please try to get your mom to fly as Christina suggested. Too bad you can't get to her or maybe her car could come up "undrivable". I'm wishing the best for you. I'd really like to hear how this works out n
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How about the train? Or hire a chauffeur. For a 90 year old, it's worth it. How would you feel? It's important:) xoxo
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If your mom has no family in FL to tell her that she shouldn't be driving can either you or your sister maybe meet her at some point on the road and drive her a ways? Would your mom consider flying instead? If she's by herself in FL I don't see what you can do to stop her. You've both told her how you feel about her driving all that way. If you can't get to her in person to try and reason with her I don't really see how you can prevent her from doing this. Of course it's a horrible idea for your mom to drive from FL to NY. It's unsafe as far as the actual driving goes but at her age she's also very vulnerable to people she may come across on the long drive. In no way is her driving from FL to NY a good idea but I don't see how you can stop her. Do you know if she has any friends in FL you could call upon to help talk to your mom? A priest or a minister? Someone she'd listen to?
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Yes, she has her license. Our other problem is her COPD gets worse when she is in NY andthe house ther is old and has some mold problems which she is aware of but denies. We just want for her to stay put but it seems we are getting no where talking with her. I am in CA and my sister is in TX. Neither one of us can get to her, to talk face to face or stop her if she does decide to drive on her own. We have begged with her to be rational and see the dangers of her action. Have any suggestions as what else we could do? She would never pay someone to drive her. She is very stubborn and has always gotten her way. This is the first time we have all said NO.
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Hi lewlin, does your Mom even have a valid driver's license? If not I would call the cops on her when she pulls out of the driveway if she won't listen to you. Not only is she a danger to herself but to the other drivers as well. If she has a license , well, I still think she should not drive that long of a distance -can she hire someone, a niece or nephew, grandchild, to drive her? I am assuming she is pretty spry if she is able to still live on her own and move twice a year. I wouldn't suggest someone drive her if she needed a lot of assistance unless they were very qualified.
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