I see it as a blessing that my 96 yr old Dad who suffered a major Stroke over a yr ago is reunited with my 87 yr old mom who too has recently suffered a brain bleed and has her own health issues. They both live in a Skillied Nurshing Home.
However, as cute as it may look...Mom's fanaticisim is driving everyone bananas. She is a worrier by trade, if it's not one thing it's another, never peace for more than a day.
I am drained from trying to ease her burdens, she has none!! But now she accuses poor dad of having a girlfriend, he told me he can't sleep for her badgering him ( he can't speak very clearly but I understand him, she doesn't because she is has very low hearing) Dad told me he has always done or said whatever it took to make her happy even if it made him uncomfortable.
Well this treatment that she is used to is not being carried out by me and the NH. I must say, the NH goes a long way to try to make her happy but I don't think nobody is able to do what Dad did for 64 yrs. and I have said to Dad, you should have put your foot down a loooong time ago, now look.
No matter WHAT I, the NH staff does to accomodate Mom, last for long before she is 'itching about something else. Now she is hallucinating, claiming there is a little girl in the room, sometimes laying in Dad's bed. When the staff tries to re-assure her that no one is there, she gets angry with them.
She's a hypochondriate but don't tell her that! And she's constantly asking for medication, especially her anxiety med. then of course says mean things when the staff won't abide to her demanding ways.
I visist once during the week, and once on the weekend and even then she will call me the same day to 'itch about something or to say she was worried about "X".
I've helped myself alot by taking the phone out of her room! She was calling me like a telemarketing svc. The NH staff tries to surpress her from calling me on their phone but of course she gets angry with them.
No family is here to help me, and darnit I'm tired. Where is the life that I want to live? Why are my family members alowed to live carefree of my parents while I saunder along???? If I can't got 2 days w/o her tripping out how can I take a weeks vacation w/o having to sedate her???
She rants on to everyone that I am her P.O.A and I have alllllll of her paper work, YEAH!!!...You asked me and you gave it to me, I will be HAPPY to relinquish my P.O.A duties for my peace of mind and life restored!
Yesterday I told Mom again how I felt, this time no sugar or sugar substitute added. I said as much as I love you, you are driving me crazy, I need my life and you are sufficating me. She says she cares too much, I say stop it! I can't breathe, Dad can't breathe, stop or I will.
Yes, I know many will will say tisk, tisk, tisk on me. I say walk in my heels, sneakers, house shoes or just walk in my barefoot tracks then tell me how you feel.
I want to be free, I feel like I'm captured in my Mom's mental torture. I beleive in my higher power and I talk to him all the time, maybe he will read this plea for help, for Mom, Dad and Me and have mercy on us all.

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Vebatt, Thanks for sharing and Jeannegibbs you are right and I know it. Now since I know it, I need to do it. Mom is on the Echelon Patch which seemed to help a lot, it may be time to increase the dossage, I don't know but my God this demanding, over bearing behavior is fit for a nut case! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I love them so much but I began to wonder did God put me here to suffer for them in their old age.
On the positive note, I am trying to look at this experience as a guide for my daughter, I am operating as an only, she is an only. So in the mean time, I'll try to learn all I can, journal it, talk it over with my daughter and make my wishes clear; find me a good caring place, set it up and see me when she wants but LIVE HER LIFE GUILT FREE!
I will keep my boundaries and enjoy my vacation. As you said she will worry weather I'm here or there.
Helpful Answer (1)

If she has been demanding all her life, it is probably hard to tell the difference, but with the hallucinations and the paranoid accusations, it sounds like she has dementia. It may be beyond her power to stop such behavior. Very sad.

But you can control your behavior. You can go on vacation for a week, for example. Your parents are where they are being cared for, and they have each other. Go.

I'm sure not saying tsk, tsk. I'm saying set boundaries and keep them. If your mom gets to talk to you on the phone several times a day, she will have worries to tell you about several times a day. If she doesn't get to talk to you on the phone, she will have worries several times a day. Her smothering you in her unhappiness isn't making her any happier. It isn't curing her dementia. It isn't making things better. So stop it, and don't feel guilty about stopping it. It wasn't helping anyway.

I don't mean for you to shun your mother. Poor dear really does have mental problems and she deserves your understanding. But not your sanity.

Set boundaries. Keep them.

Enjoy your vacation.
Helpful Answer (3)

I feel your pain. I lived thru EXACTLY what you are going thru, but my Dad was the difficult one. My Mom died 8 years ago in Jan. I stayed at my Mom & Dad's house for 8 months to take care of my Mom. (leaving my husbnd of 5 years home alone to take care of things at the homefront and putting off shoulder surgery till after she died) She was easy, but my Dad would complain about everything while I was ther. (i.e. hospice nurses coming in and out, my Mom was to loud or to demanding) Most of the tension in the household was because of my Dad. When she died, he seemed to be fine for about 5 years. The last 3 1/2 years have been a nightmare. My Dad's health declined and he hated his life. He took it out on me constantly. (he was 87) He would cuss me up one side and down the next, but everytime he was sick, he would call me. I was completley "broken." I have a sister who lives out of state and 2 brothers who live close to me. Nobody ever stepped up to help me. They would all talk about how cruel Dad was to me, but thats as far as it went. (I myself am 56, have had 2 heart attacks and have c.o.p.d.) My Dad passed away a month ago today. Oddly enough, everyone can now make time to "help themselves" to my Dad's belongings. Like you, I had POA...which ceases to mean anything when they take their last breath, but I am also executer of the will. Ugh!!! I still say that he continues to "get me." I have 2 states to deal with sense he also owned property in another state. I am still so busy that I have yet to process the way I feel about his death. I hope your family steps in and helps you so that you can start to live a little bit of your life, but (I hate to say this) I don't think they will. They seem to make a call when they feel like calling, but they continue to live their little lives. Please know that I do feel your pain and I will pray for you. I wish I could give you more words of wisdom, but the only comfort I can offer is the fact that others are also going thru the same thing. God be with you...and he is. Stay strong!
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