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My mom is 86 and has lived with my family (I have a wife and three teenage children) for about three months. She previously lived with us for about three years but I finally had to move her elsewhere. She has always had trouble maintaining good relationships with anyone, family or not, simply because she can be so nasty and judgmental. She is happy when you do nice things for her but a day later she may not be speaking to you or causing an argument.

Now she is back with us because she can no longer live alone and care for herself properly. We drove from our home in Virginia down to Florida to visit and found her apartment in hurrendous condition. My wife and I decided that moving her with us was the only answer. There is no way without complete force to get her into a nursing home. She is a retired nurse and absolutely refuses. Even the mention of it causes a knock-down drag-out fight. Living with us can be quite uncomfortable at times as she can create a scene in front of company or with our kids when they have friends over.

She also has a signicant short-term memory loss issue which can create problems when you have done something for her and she doesn't remember.

As for the incontinence, she uses adult diapers and wets herself several times nightly. She stays on the first floor of our home for safety reasons. The showers are all on the second and third floors with only a powder room on the first. She refuses to allow us to help her upstairs to the shower at this point claiming that she cleans herself daily in the powder room. We know that is not true as there are no wash cloths in the room. I have given some thought to hiring a home-health aide but I fear that she will be incredibly nasty to the person and not allow him/her to do his/her job. I would appreciate any recommendations. Should I just force her into a nursing home or work with a home health aide, or take some other action. By the way, my wife and I both work and are out of the home from about 7:30 until at least 5:00. My children are all in school during the day, so she is often home alone. Thanks for any guidance.

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Thank you all for your comments. I hadn't really thought of the fact that she may respect the thoughts of a fellow caregiver more than my own but it makes sense. Although I will say that my wife is a Speech Pathologist who is the only person I have ever known to be able to stay on my mother's good side for extended periods. My mom really trusts her but still has not bathed in the last few weeks despite my wife's attempts. The aide is certainly the next logical step so I think we will give it a try and see how it works. Again, thank you all and any further comments or suggestions would be appreciated.
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You mentioned that your mother is a retired nurse. This tells me that she could well have respect for a professional from the medical field----that is, a home health aide----who would come into your home to assist. "Medical people" understand and tend to trust each other. I think it is worth it to investigate hiring a home health aide to come in a few times a week. An aide would stand a pretty good chance of gently persuading your mother to bathe and helping her with it.
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Yep, my mom is 86 as well, lives in her own house...when you mention NH it's NO WAY is the answer. Is your mom narcissitic? Or have any other personality issues that have always been there...cause they really surface more and get worse when they are this age. Yep my mom doesn't like baths either...funny how at one time they liked to keep clean and now they don't. Heck I am considering when I inherit the house and remodel to put in one of those walk in tubs....like a jacuzi...I know I will love that at any age...LOL. What I did is have a caregiver come in 20 hours a week and just now adding an additional 6 hours in the eve...and then I am there on the weekends...I work also and am single so it's tough when it's just you. So I would try getting a caregiver...some of them are really good at coaxing the old folks into baths since they do this all the time and have more patience than you or I. Also sometimes our parents listen to outsiders better than us...since they think they can control and manipulate us like we are their material things.
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why is it so many of the story sound just like we all live in the same house. My 89 year old grandmother don't llike the shower either. wet the depends many time in a night. this is what funny to me is she can lay there alll nigth in the depend. she has to know she wet,let her tell it she dont sleep at night. but everytime i look in on her she's sleep. anyway. i gave her an altamaydon (is that how you spell that) anyway it was shower or live some place else. Beacuse i give up a lot for you but what i will not do is live in piss old piss is the worse smelling house. I just told her if you should pass-a-way in your sleep. at least they will be able to say she was clean. a lot of things i let pass but thats not one of them and she know that now. there like kids you have to let them know how far you'll go.

What's a girl too do?
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