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mom is in a NH, with a rare illness that just couldnt be handled skill wise at home, she keeps saying I dont want her at home.Not true, I am not skilled enough to care for her.......What else can I tell her to make her believe that its not true, I have tried at home, couldnt do it! it became dangerous, diet changes daily, and major falling..........

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Tell her that your home is not safe for her. Tell her that you're too small to lift her and that both of you risk being injured. Tell her you can't manage all of her medical needs, that you can't keep up with monitoring her medical needs.

You've got to quit beating yourself up over this and tell yourself that it's for her own good. It's for YOUR own good too - after all don't you have a husband with health issues too? You'll end up with health issues if you try to take care of too many others and put yourself last. Your husband needs to tell you that you're a good daughter too - because it's true.
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My mother iks 91 blind and wheelchair bound and has been wanting to go back to the condo for 3 l/1 years. My husband is having issues about is 88 year old sick mother driving. What I have found is the more you say no - it is like a teenager - the more you are the enemy. I would just say that you understand her feelings and hope that someday she will be well enough to come home. That you love her very much but are having your own health issues that prevent you from caring from her complicated ilness and love her very much. Listening and not reacting is the key and change the subject.
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I agree with crowemagnum, get a little assistance to help her understand that she is where she will get the best care possible, that if you could you would have here there but she is best where she is, and see her as often as possible. Don't make yourself crazy, you are doing a good job there looking out for what is best for her.
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I'd get the social worker at the nursing home to talk with your mother and explain to her that it's the nursing home doctor who will not discharge her because it's not a safe discharge for if they did so the nursing home could loose its license and the doctor could get sued if she had problems after going home with an unsafe discharge. She needs to know it's not you keeping her there but the doctor.
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I would not beat yourself up first of all... Elder care can be very complicated... If indeed you do want to bring her home and care for her, get home care help from your local hospital or call and Area Agency on Aging they can get you referrals for help. Most folks if they are honest want to be at home, however it is NOT always the best thing. take care, J
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We had the same situation with my husband's aunt. She, too, wanted to go home but was unable to look after herself. We used to say "you know we can't take you home until Dr. xxx says that you are well enough to care for yourelf" and this statement seemed sufficient. I always felt a bit guilty putting the blame on the doctor but what we were saying was true - and she knew it.
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I have a mother in a residential care facility and when I go to see her she allways says "take me home". i allways answer her the same, " you can't take care of yourself, you need nursing care. I love you and want you to be taken care of. I am not a nurse, I am your daughter and i'm doing the best I can" She allways will say " I know". I try not to get sucked into her game of making me feel guilty. Just keep reinforcing her that she is safer and better cared for than at home. I know its hard, you are still her caregiver but in a managerial role. Take time for yourself and god bless.
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You are wise to know your limits. I recently had to refuse to take care of my mother when she unwisely discharged herself from a rehab after knee surgery. One she is out of state and two I did not have the skills to take care of her. Needless to say she ended up back in the hospital with dehydration, a very stiff knee and an infection. This was after 2 days at home with home health aides who repeated tried to get her to eat, do exercises and take her medicine. She wanted the control and it nearly killed her. My father just says yes to whatever her demands are even if he knows the decision is wrong. I am now "out of the will" selfish etc.. but she got the care she needed by being "forced back into rehab" for six more weeks. She is home now and doing better and I am doing better not being included in her chaos.
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