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I am loosing my health, my life, my happiness. i Handle everything financial, and doctor visits, medicines, the cost to have a assisted facility do these things are cost prohibitive, mom is going to run out of money. Trying to please my mother, I have moved her from facility to facility, I have taken her to Dr after Dr , changed her meds, nothing is working, she is miserable and want to take me down. My wife and I take over 10 calls a day from her, yesterday mom called me crying and told me whe wished she was dead, mad at me, unhappy with everything and very very mean to me. My wife and I are doing for mom everyday , nothing pleases her, I dont know what to do... I need help ... I seem to be wasting my time trying to please mom at the cost of hurting my life, my health and relationships, my sister or other family members all give advise and do not have a clue what I am going trhough and really do nothing to help, I am ready to tell everyone to go fly a kite and leave town...HELP

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My Mom now 84 and her health is declining, we go to the Dr. and have test done every week. It seems we always end up with the age related conclusion, Constant pain and now confusion is joining in. We know that there is nothing else they can do but make her comfortable, NOW she has started to have spells where she makes no sense, she called me and asked me what to do with a pill, (do I swallow it?) , this morning she wanted to know if she should drink prune juice or not? I thought oh no she is really loosing it, an hour later she is fine. Is this a normal progression of dimentia? She has spells of confusion and then gets very aggrevated, This confusion seems to be getting worse and she is aware and frustrated that her mind is not working right. Does dimentia come and go at first? Any advise is helpful,,, thank you all in advance for the support and sahring your experiences with me.. It helps to know what others are going through....
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Awe I read the desperation in your email and feel for you. Althou I have my Mom at home, I certainly sympathize with you . My Moms dr had told me that moving my Mom place to place would have only made things worse for her, to have a familiar stable surroundings and people. Sounds like you need a good neurologist to visit her at the hospital and medicate her. Depression is like a broken leg, it wont heal on its own, it needs help. I am sorry, I wish you the best and really think the correct medication will work, get an expert, my Mom had the Chief Neurologist at the hospital and he worked miracles when my Mom cried all the time, and had anger outbursts. Good luck :(
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I guess you need to start with learning how to make and maintain effective boundaries. Then add to that the reality that nothing you do, or don't do, will actually make your mother happy. This part of life is typically very difficult. Dying, losing your home, losing your sense of self, are all very upsetting and scary. Nothing you do or don't do is going to prevent her from dying, and that is scary too. Getting help with managing the emotions and drawing healthy boundaries is typically a wise and productive step. This is a hard time and we really don't get basic training in how to manage it. That is part of why I am so grateful for this site. I wish you all the best. God bless.
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These folks are right on, you need boundaries and to take regular days completely off from her. Consider the fact that even though you take all these calls from your mom, she is STILL miserable. She won't be any worse if you don't take the calls. And she might even get distracted and it could improve things.These constant distractions to you are not doing her any good either. Talk to her doc about cranking up the happy pills. If your sibs don't get it, talk and vent to your doctor or a counselor or friends, most insurance includes at least some visits for mental health. It is a huge relief to vent to and get validated. There are many of us in your situation. Best of luck.
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All good advice above.

I had to learn to draw boudaries. It is a difficult thing to do when you love someone and want to take away their suffering. But the reality is: you can't.

Divide your Mom's requests into two categories: needs and wants. The needs come first: proper medical care, nutrition, safety, etc. The wants are her requests. These you do on your own time and at your convenience. No one deserves a 24/7 servant; so do not become one.

From experience, if you continue on this path, you will eventually hit a wall physically and/or mentally. Your health and relationships will suffer.

Start today and good luck.
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It sounds like windytown has a good idea: Start drawing some boundaries with Mom. Understand she may have some dementia going on and get her assessed for that (though, when they are difficult, the docs are all too glad to pass the person on to the next one, and not get too involved; I've seen this with my Dad). But getting yourself a break just seems paramount now. Tell her you are going away for a few days, or tell her the truth: I need a break from your relentless unhappiness. You won't be more or less unhappy for these three days, but I am taking care of myself.
The struggle I've found is that part of me has wanted to be a "good person" and be recognized as such. A difficult person, like your Mom, who sees herself (or himself; this is universal) as the center of the universe, can never recognize another person for long, if at all. So be willing to find ways to stop looking for her to change. Find ways to change the criteria by which you judge yourself: a "good person" doesn't need to be a wrung out doormat. A "good person" and "good son" can ABSOLUTELY tell Mom that he needs a break. That if the only thing she wants to talk about is how miserable she is, there will be time limits on how long you talk, and how often you see her. That you recognize she is in a hard situation, and she feels powerless and SO ARE YOU.
Then take the break. Start with 24 hours if that's all you can manage. Post little signs places to remind you that you need emotional rest. Then declare a few days of the week Mom-free. If nothing is ever to her preference, nothing ever will be. There is no secret code to crack here. There is just recognizing that you have gone down this path to the bitter end, and now need a new way. So many of us are sending you good vibes, and can tell you that drawing lines helps everyone. It even puts the parent on notice -- which, in the case of my father, has kept him from getting as worked up about stuff as often as he used to. Good luck to you.
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Sorry you are in such a bad place, so to speak. It sounds like you have done, and are doing, everything to make your mom happy. Let's face it. Some people don't want to be happy no matter what. It is what drives them and if they can take their family along for the ride all the better. Misery loves company.

You didn't say if your mom has dementia. That would explain a lot of her behavior.

My mom is also in AL and I visit her every other day. Thankfully she is 90% with it mentally. I have a set time that I call her on my non-visiting days. She's happy with that and knows what to expect.

My advice to you would be to arrange a set call time ONCE a day. Otherwise, do not pick up the phone. You seriously need and deserve a break, and only you can give yourself one. Establish some boundaries to protect your mental and physical health, no guilt required!
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I read your other post and you said your mom is losing her mind? Does she or doesn't she have dementia or Alzheimer's? If she indeed is losing her marbles, that will make a huge difference in how anyone responds to you. When dementia is involved it's a totally different thing that causes a person to call constantly and complain etc. But if she's only got her body failing that's another thing. Have you reached out to the chaplain or anyone at the asst living place where she lives? What do they say? They see this kind of thing on a regular basis so maybe they could help you sort through a few things. Like I said though, if it's dementia/alz then you act differently then you would with the other problem. Let us know ok?
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