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This happened to my mother almost two years ago. I had to stay with her for over a week. She needed help with everything. The dr. said someone needed to be with her, because she gave her a strong medication.

I will not do this again. She was extremely controlling, and now says that I did not stay with her for that long (she says MY memory is bad). So what happens if I have to take her to the dr. and the same thing happens? (She doesn't know how it happened last time, so it could happen again.)

Is my only option to hire someone to stay with her from an agency? There is no Medicare-paid rehab center because there was no qualifying 3-day hospital stay, correct? I'm assuming that the hired caregiver would be full-pay and not covered by insurance (she has Medicare plus a supplement from my father's former employer)?

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I'm thinking that the successor trustees (2 of my 3 brothers; they can act independently of each other) will have to be the ones to make the major decisions, because they will be the ones to have to stroke the checks. They will have to get involved; won't be me cajoling them into taking care of her. They live states away from here. She won't be moving near them (although I wish she would!).

But I am the local one. I'm thinking that I need to involve all 3 of them round-robin in an e-mail discussion about what will happen. One thing I find surprising is that they don't seem to understand the trust or what happens in an emergency at all.

Guess they will learn through baptism by fire!
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One of the most disappointing life's lessons I've learned is that some doctors, most rehab social workers and assorted others in the "aged care" field will out-right lie to you concerning your responsibility in caring for a failing adult loved one. How they tell you, you have to take the person home with you from the er or after a rehab stay. You tell them you can't and list your reasons - which they make you feel you must justify- and then spit out more of their rhetoric. I don't know how these people look at themselves in the mirror!
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We were typing simultaneously so please ignore the POA part above. ;-0
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It's a bad idea to accept responsibility without having authority. It sounds like you are neither your mom's POA nor a trustee. Your brothers have healthy boundaries and it would be unfair of you to try and cajole them into taking care of your mother. I think a better approach would be to have a chat with your brothers about your mother, what her needs really are, determine what, if anything, each of you will do for her, and figure out a plan for bringing in help for the rest. As long as your mother is competent to make decisions, you are under no obligation to solve her problems for her. If your mother has money but doesn't want to spend it on her long term care needs, that's not your problem, it's hers.
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My 3 brothers and I all have POA (we can each act independently), I am the primary health care proxy (with one brother as secondary). However, because she has a trust, I cannot access those funds or sign for anything to sell her condo. The attorney who drew up/updated papers a year ago explained that the general POA is for things NOT relating to what's in the trust.

I am going to keep the script for what to say to my successor trustee brother in my head. It's perfect for what to say when my mother needs care.

I'm thinking back to my mother at the doctor's and in hospitals regarding what they assume the family member (me) will do. Thanks to this site, I am learning so much about what to do, what not to do, not to agree to do anything "temporarily" because it really means the end of any efforts on the hospital's part, etc.

This site has taught me so much.
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CTT, just a side note, doctors (and others) make assumptions all the time. That doesn't mean that we have to accept them.

About a year ago, I took my wheelchair bound mom, with an aide from her NH to a pulmonology followup appointment. After examining my mom the doctor (who I like a lot) said "another chest Xray would be great. You could just run mom across the street to the radiology place and do a walk in".

I smiled and said "yes, I could call the ambulette service, have them pick mom up and drive her across the highway to radiology, but I think the wait for a walk in is probably about an hour and I don't think that would be the best thing for mom right now (she was recovering from pneumonia). The doctor chuckled and said "I think you're right, we'll get the Xray done at the NH (who knew--with a doctor's script, a mobile xray unit comes out and does an Xray!)..

A year before, I would have dutifully pushed my mom across an 8 lane highway "because the doctor said to do it". I've found, with the help of my sister in law and the great folks on here, that there is usually more than one way to get these things accomplished!
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CTT, who has POA? If mom needs care, you call them and say "mom needs 24/7 care for the next 7 days. You and mom need to work out how that's going to get taken care of. I'm willing to do it, but I would need (fill in dollar amount compensation)" and leave it at that. If your family yells at you, you walk in the other direction.

Never accept verbal abuse as your due.
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I know what would happen if home care workers needed to come into the house. One of my brothers would have to deal with it. I'm sure it could be done via faxing.

My mother doesn't (and never will) see that I'd be doing a lot more for her if she was nicer and easier to get along with. But she'll never change.
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Good idea, Babalou.

The medical monopoly here keeps putting on my mother's medical forms that we have the same address. Corrections don't "stick." I think it's been changed...for now...anyway, that makes it easier for them to push it all off on me when they think this elderly woman isn't going to a house to be all alone.

My husband does things for my mother sometimes. She insists on paying him (not what a professional would charge, but something). She told me that what he does involves SKILL. That was a dig, because I mentioned the dirty "C" (Compensation) word for driving her around and being her home care attendant that time. She has no intention of paying me for work like that.

If she would pay me, I *would* be willing to be her slave again (over a week being her personal care attendant). Agencies charge around $20/hour around here. So if she doesn't want to do that, she can arrange for her own care with agencies. I work for my husband, so I could take the time off and not be penalized. And we could use the money.

She has a trust, with 2 of my 3 brothers as successor trustees. So they would have to handle the money if she couldn't. They are in other states, so I don't know how that would work in arranging agency care, as I couldn't sign anything for financial responsibility.

(BTW, the issue of Medicaid eligibility doesn't apply, as she has LTC insurance and a trust that would not be depleted before she died...of course, never say never, but with her health issues, I don't see it happening!)
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If her doctor says someone needs to stay with her, state in front of the doctor that you are unavailable.. " I have other commitments for the coming month". Ask the doctor s/he suggests. And yes, read up on narcissists.
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Thanks, Angel. You are so right about the FOG effect.

My brothers all live out of state. I would love it if my mother would move to be near one of them. Then I could come visit 1-2/year and stay for two days.

Thanks also for the suggestion to read up on dealing with narcissists.
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So she's yelling at you because you say you cannot stay with her...so...what's the problem? What exactly are you afraid will happen? Will the world stop? Of course not. She is controlling you with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Let her throw a tantrum. When she's done, begin again discussion how she will obtain care. She throws a fit again? Excuse yourself and tell her you will return when she has collected herself.

You seem to have forgotten that you are under no obligation to be her hands on caregiver. It's nice that you have in the past because you are a caring person, but with her attitude and unwillingness to compromise its time to remember that you have needs and rights and obligations too.

Don't allow her to treat you like that. If she does, excuse yourself. She will learn that you will not be abused any more. And if she doesn't learn? APS can arrange care for her.

About your brothers...it seems they have already mastered dealing with her by removing themselves from her drama. You cannot control them or make them care for her. only they can decide that for themselves. Make peace with that, it won't change.

Also, read up a bit more on how to deal with a narcissist and start putting into action the tools you learn from that.

Angel
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Sorry (really need an edit feature!!!!) -- what I meant is that she would refuse to pay to be in an AL facility. If she's in great pain like last time, I'm sure she would start yelling at me if I said someone from an agency will have to stay with you. And I will not pay out of my own funds.

If I told her that she could pay me, she would start yelling or crying or something. And I don't know how I would hold her to it, even if she agreed. ("I never agreed to THAT!")
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Thanks, cwillie. I will not pay for that, and I think she would refuse to pay for it, either.

I guess this is the point where I call my brothers and tell them to get themselves here, so they can be the "anyones" that will take care of her.

(BTW, I would stay with her if she paid me, but I'm sure that would end up with her screaming at me, too.)
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Depending on how much care she needs you might be able to find a place in an AL for convalescent care, not cheap but possibly a better option than round the clock home care.
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A little background...I know (some) people here are pretty surprised that I won't "put up shut up offer it up" for my mother. I am the local one of four children (and the only daughter). When I told her how much someone staying with her 24/7 for that long would have cost her, I was screamed at and told that "anyone" would have done it. Well, next time it is going to be "anyone" ELSE.

I do not like her (she has some features of narcisissm).
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