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Today for the first time, I will be bringing in someone from the outside. Mom will not let me help her wash herself ( I'm her son ) I'm not really comfortable with it, myself. But she has always balked at having someone from outside come in to help. She has said she would kick and hit them. I am really worried about how to deal with this.

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Mom has always been that way. She wouldn't even let Dad see her undressed! I often wonder how I came about.
She wouldn't even let her first cousin help her, when she came to visit two years ago. Which is also why she refuses to give a urine sample. She is modest to the extreme. She would never use someone elses bathroom. She would hold it all day until she got home. But yes, I'm going to lie to her. I will tell her the insurance company sent the nurse to see her.
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My elderly Dad was very shy about having his caregivers give him a shower. He allowed them to stand outside of the bathroom door while he was in there. Eventually it got to a point where he couldn't do it alone any longer.

One caregiver had a good approach with my Dad... she put her hands on her hips and said "Mr. Bob, I raised a houseful of boys, there isn't anything I haven't seen".

I also bought Dad a shower chair which was a great help as he feared falling in the bathtub, which I think is a common fear of many elders.
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I'm also a son who has had to bath and dress my elderly mom on occasion. It's very awkward. She has been hospitalized for various reasons and I've had to do hands on care when she was released until I could get home care set up.

My folks are typical, WE'RE FINE! WE DONT WANT ANYONE IN OUR HOUSE!
I've found it best to not try and convince them beforehand, it has to be done, I just set it up and usually they protest a little, but the home care folks are used to this and handle it pretty well.

Dad has dementia and won't agree to anything, no how no way, so I don't hesitate to fib: The RN is an old girlfriend. The carpet cleaner is an old football buddy. And if mom falls for the fib also, that's fine. I have an amazing amount of old girlfriends it seems..........

I like the idea of calming meds also. Your mom is going to have to do some things she doesn't want to. I hope it goes ok for you but if she really does kick and scream and absolutely refuse help you'll have to kick into tough love gear.
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Is your mother on any antianxiety meds? Call her doctor; that might help.

Folks who do bathing for a living are usually pretty good at getting patients to comply.
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