My spouse of 50 yrs is diagnosed with dementia we sold a house and contents of two houses to move 600miles to another state to live with our daughter for help she is stressed by her x and her work boss...has custady of 8yr old but x has him more than she does..she now says she cant stand stuff her father does yells at him..says I should just put him in a home....says my rules..we are not to raise our voices or disapline the grandson..nothing we do seems to be right to her
we feel like housekeepers. And dog sitters
we regret our move now and its only been 1 month
Any suggestions how to extract ourselves from this situation?

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The first few months are the hardest because you are adapting to each other. I remember when I first moved in with my parents, I was angry all of the time. The things they did drove me crazy. I got better with time. We all just had to get used to each other. I don't know if that will be what happens in your case. I do know that you and your husband have the right to live free of being treated badly. I am just sorry that you had to give up so much to learn that the situation may not work out, particularly since your husband has dementia. You and he have enough to deal with already.

We can't change what has already been done, but you can always start where you are now. You may enjoy some of the retirement communities that are in the area. That way you could be near your daughter and grandchild without having to be with them. Some of the retirement communities are very nice and quite reasonable. You can begin looking just in case you need to move soon. I don't know what stage your husband is in with his dementia and if he can live with you independently. If he can, it may be the ideal for you. Sometimes families like each other more when they are not living together.

I hope things work out. The important thing is that you are happy and you have a healthy environment for you and your husband. Please let us know how it is going with you. I hope that you and your daughter can work things out so that everyone has what is best for them. You as caregiver don't need the extra stress of an angry daughter. Hugs to you.
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Her house, her rules. But perhaps you and she could sit down and calmly talk over the rules. Which ones do you think are unreasonable? Why? What are her reasons for having that rule? Since neither of you is a child this shouldn't be a "because I said so!" situation. There should be some patient understanding here. But, ultimately, her house, her rules.

She sounds like she is in a very stressful situation, with her ex and boss and child. You are in a very stressful situation with your husband's dementia. Maybe it would help to discuss your stresses, too, and realize that neither of you is operating at your peak right now. Cut each other some slack, and try to reduce your sensitivity to perceived slights.

You did not move in to raise her child. It is hard enough that she has to share custody of him with his father. She doesn't need you to horn in on the parenting act, too. Back off the disciplining him, 100%. That is not your role in that household. If you are caring for him while she is at work then you do have to exercise some control. Discuss with her how she would like discipline handled while she is not home.

Of course she doesn't like some things her father does. That is the nature of dementia. It would help if she learned more about the disease he has. Yelling at him is absolutely unacceptable. You need to gently make that clear. You won't yell at your grandson and she won't yell at her father. Nobody really benefits by being yelled at.

It has only been a month. Maybe, with goodwill on both sides, you can improve things enough that this could work out. A month is enough time to show that a lot of work is needed, but not enough to make any final decisions.

If there isn't goodwill on both sides, or if diligently working on the issues doesn't help, then I certainly agree that you should not live in an abusive situation. Call the Agency on Aging in your state/county, and learn of your options.
Helpful Answer (3)

Hi trustpact4,
It does sound like the move is not working for anyone. Are you and your husband fiscally able to move? Maybe into an assisted living situation? This is probably very stressful for everyone involved and I feel for all of you- but most especially your grandson. It sounds like there is a lot of tension going on. Please be careful that your grandson is not caught in the middle. He needs loving grandparents - it is such a gift to have!!!! Even if you and your daughter are at odds please remember that your grandson has not done anything wrong. Good luck!
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