Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

I understand Jess... I did get out today... My mother and I are not talking now and it's only going to make taking care of her so much harder. She gets more and more distant (intentionally... Because it seems she has a distain for me which is growing bigger and bigger). I plan to get up early tomorrow and head out for the morning... Trouble is... I always come back to the same... She is demanding in her wants and has a preconceived idea that I am some ogor. I'm having a difficult time with my head right now... I'm in knots over how she thinks of me... I just want to keep on running until I can't run anymore. Only I can't... I have a house to take care of and payments to make (not working now)... She could care less (no empathy) for the situation I'm in... And yet expects me to take her to church Sunday abandoned then on a full bus of seniors because she can barely get around... I'm dreading that... No fun at all... rrrrrrr...

This morning my mother was especially bad with confusion. She was washing all of her clothes because she decided one of the fabric softeners was making her skin burn. There is no reasoning with her, so wash she did. I had to talk her into getting a blood sugar reading and getting some breakfast. It took three hours. I was an emotional wreck. I had to go to the store and while driving I felt better. Just getting out of my cage (the house) relaxed me.

This shouldn't be as difficult as it is. Instead of asking once about medicines, etc., I have to ask repeatedly. It seems like my day is spent asking her if she has done something yet. Then she gets mad at me for nagging her. But I have to nag her, because she won't do it. Sometimes she won't do things out of spite. She doesn't realize she isn't doing it for me. She is doing it for herself.

Heart, it sounds like you have a lot of beauty in your home. I would get out and enjoy it when you're feeling caged. Maybe it will keep you from getting tied up in a knot with her personality. I know it helped me today. Today was a 9 on a scale of 10, so I needed some relief from the stress I was feeling.

I've worked so hard around my house to make this environment full of flowers in the spring and here it is... It took effect me years to get these plants to grow since I'm in Colorado (semi arid climate)... That along with keeping a job, going to the geocery store mor often than not... more for her... Patiently, patiently waiting for my mother to get things s l o w l y... Which took hours... Taking her to church and affairs which too h o u r s... I'm so deeply ripped apart how's his is looking it will all end... I'm so wrecked by it all... How do we go on after the 'fight' is over?

Amen, Heart. We can only give so much of ourselves. If you've already given so much, how much more can you give?

I know what you mean (no pun intended) Jess. My mother can never get enough of me, me, me... I ran errands all day today and I watched her as she didn't know what to do with herself. I was ther when my oldest brother called for 5 mins... always interesting to her her tell him all the things she does on her life... (Of course I'm excluded... But, I don't care at this point anymore)... (This is the one of two of her son's that never come to visit)... I /met talked with a neighbor gal today... It was interesting because she was telling me how her mother always wanted her to come visit her because she was bored... She told me she sees her a few times a month, but won't go anymore than that... She wants her mother to move into ass't living so she can meet people and do things, but she says she wants to stay with her 'things' (literally... Her daughter says she collects junk trinkets and has them all over her house... Ugh!). Anyway... In my backing off from my mother, I do feel somewhat guilty, but I'm exhausted from all the years of being the daughter who does everything without being treated fairly in our 'family'. A person can't crawl under someone's skin and live for another person... It just drags you further and further down... The weight gets very heavy... Eh?

I am so glad this thread is still going. I've had a new problem come up with my mother. She is taking verbal shots at me because I don't sit down and keep her company. This really bothers me. She spent a lifetime pushing people away from her, so she has no family and friends. She won't call anyone, because she doesn't have anything to say. She has no hobbies beside watching TV reruns over and over. She is so mean to me usually that I can't stay in the same room for more than a few minutes. How in the world would I spend more time with someone who is so unlikable? I already spend an hour or two throughout the day. I'm wondering if this is just her new criticism of the day.

Spend more time with her? Just shoot me.

I agree with you about politics Jess... I had a yard sale last week to get rid of things... I did, but it was a lot of work, especially when the hot sun came out... I also understand about you mother trying to impail wisdom on you... My mother does the same... Wanting me to sit and 'play' bingo with her and the elderly (like I'm their age)... I decided to quickly back off... One woman actually said to me "Do you think you're too young to play" (I was dumbfounded)... Go ou and talk with people our own age and try hard to smile and have a nice day (I'll try to do the same... even though my mother and I aren't talking at the moment)... Just took my frustrations out on mowing and cleaning the yard... Now have to go wash up...🌹

Heart, I can tell that you and I are both really struggling through this. It is mighty depressing. It takes all the joy and motivation out of life to be treated so poorly by the person we stay with. My mother has gotten into this new kick now about how it is good for me to sit down and talk to old folks to keep them company. She says it to me like I'm a teenager she is imparting wisdom to. Sigh. After what I've been through, the only elder I want to talk to is myself.

Well, I'm off to the store this morning. I'm going to try to find a muse while I'm out so I'll feel like taking pictures of inventory and working to get things sold. It is a slow time of the year and people are holding their money, instead of spending. It has been a horrible year psychologically and financially. The political environment doesn't help things, either. I avoid talking about anything political now with people -- something I used to love. Political talk can get pretty abusive now, there is such hate for both candidates. I don't need to hear any more bad talk.

Hi everyone... Just woke up and thinking of you... When I get in 'these' ups and downs I throw myself into being busy (I understand about vacuuming Jess). Yesterday I stained the deck(!) and in about an hour will mow the lawn. At least I can take my frustrations out on work and be 'away'. I'm also meeting and talking with some friends and neighbors... I sure wish we didn't have to have this to weigh on on minds... So sad, when life is so short (and it's such a nice time of the year).

You're welcome Heart2Heart. I wish there were more studies and awareness of this problem.

Thank you Caregiving NYC

Don't ever expect a kind word from your mother. It's not in them. What I noticed is that when I paid attention to my inner voice, I ended up better off. My parents always gave me bad advice or discouraged me from aiming higher. I do know that I have compassion for the underdog and the innocent-children, animals, etc., so there is a good side to what I've been through.

I don't know how you keep it instead Jess. I'm trying so hard to leArn how to do this and I just can't. It's so hard through the years to dodge the zingers that keep getting thrown at me. I'm getting sadder and sadder. Not only for myself, but for anyone in my shoes. I guess I feel too deeply and am too nice of a person... But, that'll get me into a depression. I used to live life so much, even through my strife. And, then it all came back. I guess I should have not 'tried' so hard to keep my 'family' alive, as it only killed me.

Not so different, Heart. I just keep my really deep feelings tucked inside. I try to be nice most days, but it can be like having a dog chewing at my ankles. Why she does it to me, I don't know. She's sweet to everyone else. We are lucky in a way. I see the grief others feel and know I won't feel that same grief. I feel sad that I didn't have a mother and father who loved me and I loved back, but it wasn't meant to be in this life. If before life we chose who we wanted to be born to, boy did I ever goof. Who knows, though. Maybe it is all for the best in some way we don't see now. I do know that it has given me more empathy with what people and animals are going through.

Yeah Jessie... Only thing is I can't ever win... I took her to her senior center today to play bingo... She asked me to move the table so she coul be closer to the 'prizes' because she has to literally hold on to everything (won't use a walker). When I moved it a few inches closer for her and another woman (to center it so it would be in the middle for everyone), the (government) people who run the place jumped all over me... When 'I' picked her up and drover her home she told ME that I am always causing trouble!... It doesn't stop there... Then, she continues to blame me for all the trouble in our family... For all the trouble with my brothers who never come around.., I am so sick of doing everything for her... My life will never regret be the same... I worked so hard to get to this place in my life... They closed my office a few months ago and she isn't empathetic at all... I never new I could despise my mother so much... I'm so tired (as I sit on my front porch... I don't feel like my house is my home anymore). You must handle it so much better than mine... Or, my mother is a lot worse than yours... In any case, I have always felt 'abandoned' from birth... I supported myself from when I was 15.... Went to 5 grade schools and 3 high schools... Moved away and gave myself an outstanding education with the goal of making a better life for myself... Never counted on anyone for anything... (she rips everything about me apart... There is nothing in her eyes that I am good enough for)...

Must be a bad day. I am expecting company tomorrow, so I was vacuuming. She complained that it wasn't dirty and she didn't know why I was doing it. No one was going to notice anyway. She went on and on with it. I finally told her it was a pride thing. I finished cleaning. Then I went back in and said that I shouldn't be upset with her criticizing, because I know she criticized because she felt guilty. It was easier to criticize than feel guilty.

More to the point is that she criticized me because I was doing something that made her feel guilty. What a way to turn the mirror of ugly onto the person doing something good.

Reading about how you're always causing trouble, Heart, I wonder if you're doing something that is causing her to feel guilty. Maybe you're always doing good things that make her feel bad because she's not doing them.

Well, as anticipated... It didn't last long.... (The longed for peace... )... Today (happening right now) has turned to sh#t... She's telling me how bad I am and telling all kinds of bad stuff directed at me... I was "always causing trouble"!... I never knew I could come so close to hate...

Well... I took my mother to a quaint street fair around 11:30 - 2 today... (Wanted her to get some exercise, since she can't walk very good)... We found a perfect seat by the side of a stage and listened to 2 hrs of great blue grass music, to my surprise she actually enjoyed it and actually thanked me for taking her... I do thank God for that.

I know Jess...Cyndi... The bottom line is I have a deep love for my mother. It's who 'I' am. Life can be so difficult and sad... I guess this is why so many family members stay far away... Thank you for opening your hearts here...

There is actually a word for people who use We or Us when referring to themselves alone. It is called nosism. It is often used by royalty and other leaders. I guess we can say it is often used by people who think they are. :-P

I'm so bad, but I really feel suffocated when my mother does it. It is like having my separate existence denied.

Jessie... My mother does the very same thing... They are living through 'us'. It's weird and through time becomes weirder and weirder... I feel my soul being sucked out of at times... That's why I feel my life fluttering by. So many people wouldn't know what we mean... I certainly do...

Can I throw in a negative whine here about something my mother does that really bothers me. She uses the word We and Us all the time. She talks about how We need to do that, or that someone is coming to see Us. It is like she has attached me to her like an appendage and she thinks what she wants is what we want, and what she feels is what we feel.

It is an awful feeling, since she is the total opposite of me. It makes me feel sick when she does it. She does it a lot. It is like she is trying so hard to engulf me. Yuck. I'm sorry she lost her spouse, but I am not her new one. She wants me to adopt her life -- something totally distasteful to me, since it is a life of bad mental health and isolation. Why would I want that?

My Typical day (trying to make a 'good' Memorial weekend)... (If this isn't narcissism, I don't know ...):
A few hours ago, I ordered a pizza (thinking this would make a nice gesture for the weekend)... I walked down to get it... Carried it home...
After my mother happily ate 2 big pieces... She said "I'll go put it away"...
When I came in the house she started in saying "I like MY other pizza better... Do YOU 'REALLY!' like (what toppings I put on my 1/2) THAT on a pizza....?.... And went on and on... I said "why don't you go to someone else's house and eat".... I told her I can't take here criticism all the time... Her response "I'm not criticizing"...
sure... This typical response ruins my night... I told her this is why I can't sleep at night... (She could care less)...
Awwww... Aren't the holidays great?... (Of course... No siblings around... Of course)... This is why we loose our sanity amongst so many other things...

Before I discovered her narcissistic traits, there were nights that I wanted to kill myself or kill her. I didn't know which, but I felt relief from the thought. I knew then that I was hitting rock bottom. So I did more research, found a scholarly paper on Covert Narcissistic mothers and the affects and I had picked up on so many of her bad habits that I just hated her at that moment. She wanted to set a good example, but like her, I let my emotions and anxiety get in the way of so many things. I've taken advantage of the emotional validation my friends gave me because I felt I never got it from her. I bullied when I was younger to make up for things. One time, I was in my Pre-AP English class and I don't remember what spurred the convo the teacher wanted with me but she stared at me for a long moment before telling me quietly, "You need some tender loving care, don't you?" She wasn't judging me for being sensitive, she saw right through me and I almost burst into tears. Now, I'm learning to take credibility for my emotions and not letting them run wild like she does when she's at home. I unconsciously picked up her bad habits and now that I'm an adult, I'm aware of them and see there's no justification for her behaviour just as much as she's said there's no justification for my previous behaviour. She'll never take responsibility for hers and she'll never apologize.

I can tell that many of us are struggling with the why of everything. I don't think we'll ever know why. We'll only realize the effect it had on us and the effect it is still having. It's like someone grabbed all our butterflies and bluebirds for themselves. :) We can try to take them back, but I believe that Ashlynne is right. The only way to truly have peace with a narcissist is to get away from them. Someone who doesn't respect you will have no respect for boundaries and limits you set. They are just something else to fuss or yell about. Still, we have to set those boundaries and limits.

Cyndi..l don't understand the family 'rejection' either. Like your mother, mine could have helped pull our family together (I tried to her this over and over) but her reply was "Why should I?". While she has been comfortable in my house for over 10 years now (and has everything), she has even laughed at me,in the face of my seriousness. After all these years my brother,.. sister-in-law and my only two nieces (who I traveled to see since birth) haven't had anything to do with me... This really slowly has affecected my mental and physical health. I basically have no family, except for some close cousins (and I thank God for them). Like you and others, I will never understand how narcissism enters to distroys lives. I think narcissism is a disease or an evil of sorts. It's those of us that unconditionally love our only parent, sibling... that suffer and have to learn to turn (literally) the other way and leave... But, the residue stays... I guess it's like when an adopted child looks for it's biological parent because they've been given away... only you witness the cruelty and heartbreak right before your eyes. I struggle also to obtain peace and want to get to that point where others in joy shoes have 'learned' to truly live with it and go on to 'accept' it and be happy.

I just thought that my mother is not this way to anybody but me. She is very passive with other people. She is very critical of women behind their backs, but not to their faces. I can't remember her ever criticizing men. Hmm.

I have to admit that I don't look for approval anymore. I look for peace. Narcissists demand a lot and won't accept the word No, especially when their mind is failing. The person saying No is just being bad to them and cannot be allowed to get by with it. There is no peace except by walking away. But even then there is no peace inside.

Just being involved (mother, sibling, spouse) of a narcissist can be so emotionally draining. It can leave a person with persistent fatigue.

It's so heartbreaking to me that the innocence of the little girl within is harmed (by all the disfunction). This never goes away. So, how do we deal/live with it for the rest of our lives? Some in our position are married and some are single (all for various reasons). This can offer more or less support to those coming from narcissistic families. Is there a solution to always wanting and searching in this 'acceptance' of narcissism, so we're not in denial and still hoping for change? It's all so tiring and difficult to live with when you're always looking for 'approval' in the family (which will never happen).