Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

"No matter how much I do, she feels I owe her more"... This sounds like my mother... I am so exhausted with all this time-consuming $/&?!!... It is so wearing over time... Now, no matter where I am (even if she not with me) I feel the drain of "How could you?... Where were you???... What are 'we' doong tomorrow?... ". Should I (and you) feel 'guilty' that we haven't done things 'right' or haven't done 'evough'?... Even if can 'shed' the guilt... How can you forget someone (litterally) belittling, critisizing, not respecting or listening to you...?... How do you cleanse the mind and get the monkey off your back?

The strange thing is that I end up feeling like I've done something wrong. Yesterday we went out shopping and out to eat. When we got home she said how much she wanted to go to her childhood home. There is nothing there now except her memories. I told her she could ask my brother the next time he went. She said she didn't want to bother him and that I should take her. When I told her I couldn't, she got angry and said I never did anything for her. This was after I had donated three days to doing things she wanted to do. No matter how much I do, she feels I owe her more.

All this happened after she chewed me out at the restaurant for helping her. She said she could do it herself. People around were looking in sympathy, probably thinking poor daughter having to put up with that. It was pretty bad. It was the first time I can remember her showing her butt in public.

When we got home she wouldn't take her insulin or medications. She kept saying she just wanted to die. The eerie thing was that last time she said that, she had a look in her eye of enjoyment. She doesn't realize that she was just kicking herself in the rear in striking out at me.

It's so unhealthy for us Jessie... I sometimes wish I had a heart of stone like hers, so nothing bothered me... It's diffucult when you're the only one caregiving all the time... I feel guilty sometimes when I just don't want to hear anything from her anymore... (One-way conversations are exhausting)... We're both in a tough position...

Heart, yesterday was the pits when it comes to my mother. I wonder why it even bothers me when she treats me badly. I get so angry. It really shouldn't bother me, though. She thinks women are lowly, but it is her problem. I wish I could stop letting her get my goat. Pfft.

I've been feeling really resentful these past day and also feel like I'm mourning 'my' life. Resentful, because the years of trying to help my mother and her always having to be 'right' and up the anty... Her constant pitting me against my brothers (who do nothing ... And, I quote her "Why should they? They have a life")... She treats strangers like they are gold... And, demeans me like I'm crap... My heart is so damaged by mother dearest... Coming from a 'mother' really hurts... How do you ever 'accept' that you'll never have the mother you looked for all you life and then stabs you in the heart (after you've tried everything). I don't look forward to anything... Especially the holidays... Especially, when my brothers call to wish my mother "Merry Christmas/Happy New Year".

You're making me giggle like an idiot, Send. 😂 Oh, I love nonsense. Real life is just far too serious for my tastes.

My NPD/BP mother's mother died when she was two years old, after a year of being very sick with cancer (back in 1922). She and her older sister were placed in an orphanage for a while because the dad could not adequately care for them. A nanny stepped in and the dad eventually married her out of convienience for the children's sake. The step mother was a good person, but was never a "motherly" parent. So, the theory that after the age of 18 months if a child is deprived of a strong nurturing mother, the patterns of Narcissism and attention seeking begin to take root, definitely fit concerning my mother. However, I was raised by HER, and she never genuinely loved her kids, husband or anyone. We were all pawns on her game table, used for her gratification. And yet, thankfully, I did not become a narcissist. Sometimes, a NPD/BP mother creates "enablers", caretakers (again, for her gratification) and we must learn HEALTHY narcissism. And that sounds wrong to use the words "healthy" and "narcissim" together - but knowing how to take care of one's self with guilt-free setting of boundaries is a good thing. We are JUST AS worthy as anyone to receive and give and experience genuine love, care and concern - even if the only source of those things comes from within, and ultimately, I believe, that may be our only real source.

Devins, you come first now! Don't let them play those guilt trips.

Thank you. This is such a helpful site. I am 60 now and living in closer proximity to my mother, find all the suffering and confusion coming back big time. I'm gradually letting her and everything go, in spite of the guilt trips from my sibblings and extended family. Thank you.

I thought my parents were just controlling, were they narcs?
mother was physically abusive and dad was mentally/verbally. I grew up unable to take care of myself or make a decision-everything was under their control. Zero privacy, neglect... Mom Highly critical and she was perfect and "holy"
BUT, when I approached her in my 20s she did apologize- so narcs dont' do that. Dad on the otherhand told me to "get over it". ....
What are the symptoms daughters end up with ?
I thought they were lack of decision making and being a parent to their parent, - I had to be the "clone" of both with no personality of my own- stay with them, keep them company and do their things. (just working things out here)

i have been through this as well, one of my parent is a rude and doesnt know the value of any relationships in life
Person who only thinks about them self shouldn't be married as it kills the concept of family!
As kids growing in d family also less know the value of relationship. i advice everyone out there please marry someone because they are beautiful inside not on skin or with to fulfill ur fantasy!
if u still want to encourage then marry and not have kids only u take the torture and dont let ur kids suffer

I know this thread is about narc mothers but this is about my dad. He was an alcoholic all my life and I had a rough childhood being an only child. I won't get into the gory details but it was no picnic. About a year before his death, I told him how much his drinking hurt and negatively affected me, then I asked him, if he had his life to do all over again, would he do anything differently. "Nope, I'd do it the same way all over again. I have no regrets."
If my child told me I had negatively impacted their life in the past, I sure would have tried to "make it up to them" or at least say I'd change the behavior that hurt them. Some parents can be pretty selfish. I'm glad I'm able to admit to my son when I'm wrong and also apologize when necessary. I was told by my parents that parents don't need to apologize to their children. I'm glad I'm not from their era. No wonder they divorced when I was 5, they both were narcs!

I think it will be more of the same but it will not stunt me for life as I will be prepared. In fact, I think I would be a little disappointed if she wasn't in character. I don't think anything she can do/say to me when dying can top the things she has done/said to me while living, As executor I will be arranging any events afterwards, though I will get others to speak. I would not blame anyone here who did not attend either.

If anything, the deathbed scenario would probably be more of the same--a final chance to leave a haunting crippling memory or toxic words that will stunt you for life!
Have you decided if you will attend the memorial/wake/eulogy? I would not blame anyone on this forum for not attending.

Nicely put Golden... It's the 'essence" of the whole... Hmmmm... Maybe, we are putting too much emphasis on the 'human' element of it all... I hope there's more to it all... And, in a positive light....
HOPE

A deathbed confession of love is highly unlikely in my view. I am expecting the nastiness to come out then - like it will be my fault. That would be consistent with her lifelong behaviour. It is a matter of accepting that that is what they are are and they are probably not capable of being any other way. If mother is in heaven when I get there both of us will understand and it won't be a problem.

Oh yes... I certainly do Jess... I play these kinds of scenarios in my head quite a bit,,, it all scare me... I so want to get to a place where I'm not having to worry and think about these things... I think this is a big part of recovering and reclaiming our life back. I don't want this kind of stress to make me I'll either... I guess this is the hindsight most people forsee when they want no part in cargiving. Hmmmmmm....

DDDuck, I've thought about a couple of things if my mother dies before I do. What if she had a deathbed revelation of love for me, or apologized for some of the things that she has done? Knowing her, it's not likely. And even if she did I would be like meh... too little too late.

Then I had the thought of what if I passed and she was waiting for me on the other side. AUGHHHH! I guess I better repent and live right.

I'm just playing, but I think many people on this thread will know what I'm talking about.

Jessie you are so so right there not being much difference in the dementia and gaslighting. It is so insightful that you can pinpoint the situation because it is about being right all the time, knowing everything and projecting herself as who she wants to be if it means lying and constructing a story as to why its true. The pain comes in realizing you have nothing to stand on, no reason, no logic, no understanding. My mother just do and say whatever she wants with no repect for boundaries or general respect at all. My Problem is that I have struggled with this concept of liveing all my life. I get very hyped sometimes when she does one of her many antics. Even her voice is now in old age a constant of the voice she used to make me feel desgraced and despised. I truly feel for everyone who has a narcissistic mother because we will never get resolution. I mean you are not dealing with a resonable logical thinking person. Then I often wonder if I die before she does will my spirit get to rest because its like automatic calling me when someone comes by for anything as a child or when something is wrong. Then on the other hand same thing in reverse. Anyways thats my perspective on narcissim.

I have to pray to forget the things that have done to me by my mother and sister. the dishonor and disrespect and using me while I considered my self giving love from my heart. Now I am bitter I try not to dwell on these things but when I see my sister walk in arogance and look down on me with distasteful judgement. I think the nerve and get angry. I never judged her in all her mess. I did my best to cover and give love telling my nephews she doing the best she can when she chose to live with a man who would not let them even visit. I mean I just tried to help and now you can look at me with hate and have your son's not speak or answer my calls. Its so sad. I'd like to see justice. But just like will my mother, my sister is a narcissist also. I dont even want any type of reconcilliation there has been so much betrayal and ugliness. I just need to find a place and way I can pack all these memories and stop looking at them.

Funny thing about gaslighting is if you're used to hearing it, then dementia doesn't seem so different than before. Everything now is gaslighting -- doing something, then denying she did it or saying something, then denying she said it. It is all in a day now. I never know if it is the dementia or her personality. It is probably a bit of both. When I was young I used to wonder the why of the gaslighting. Now I know it is not so much about me. It is often about her being the person she wants to project. Other times it is about her being right at the moment. Either circumstance there's no point in debating what was said or done. It usually doesn't matter much, anyway.

Oh Lord, JessieBelle, is that what that awful behavior is called? Gaslighting? Now I know the name for the back and forth BS that I suffered from my parents. They both were alcoholics and divorced when I was 5. But they would
get together to drink occasionally. I was told I did all kinds of things that I never did! This went into my 20's. I was seriously doubting my mental status. I went into therapy and discovered I'd been played all these years. I'm NOT going crazy! How awful to trust your parents and have that trust shattered. After that, I just told them that I knew what I have and haven't done, so they can stop trying to convince me otherwise. How betrayed I felt. I vowed I'd never put my kid through anything like that. I did my best. My narc mother never had any girlfriends but now I can understand why. Competition! She always told me that I was too fat or that my hair looked horrible. I got B's in school but I should be doing better. Nothing ever nice.

Dad's been gone 5 years. Mom is 93, stage 6 Alzheimer's and doesn't remember a thing. Maybe better that way. She still prefers hubby's attention over mine and will tell me that she doesn't like me. I believe her.

Live your life the way you want those left behind to talk about you and what they'll put on your tombstone.

narc - it does not sound horrible to me. She sounds horrible to me. A number of us here have a narcissistic parent and we understand. Since having contact with your mother/her facility is causing you such emotional pain, you need to do whatever you have to in order to protect yourself. I don't think there is any moral minimum. I have a narc sister as well and have gone very low contact - a few times a year at most. I visit mother in her facility a few times a year for very short periods of time and even then it causes me stress. I deal with her finances and her medical and personal decisions, and with visiting her a few times a year that is all I can handle. The "fall out", as you experience, is too damaging to me. For me it is all about self protection and seeing that her needs are met. When mother was well and in an apartment and I visited, as soon as she got nasty I left. It didn't change her, but was easier on me. I don't think that we ever fully recover from the damage caused in our childhoods and adult lives. Blessings to you -do what is good for you. You do not owe her your sanity - just that she is properly cared for if you choose to do that. (((((((hugs)))))

heart - hope you are doing good things for you. I can't imagine living with a narcissist. It must be awful. ((((((hugs))))) to you too.

Totally understand Narcsurvivor... It's so difficult hearing these kinds if comments from your mother!!!... Just remember you're not alone... I've heard these criticisms all my life also...

This is going to sound horrible, but I had no idea my alcoholic anorexic narc mother would still be alive almost two years after breaking her hip and having surgery. We hadn't spoken for years after her last hostile drunken phone call, and all of a sudden she was in the hospital, diagnosed with dementia on top of everything else, and I was in charge of her health care decisions. I thought I would just have to deal with her for a few months, because she was so uncooperative with any physical therapy and never did regain the ability to walk. She also refuses to eat regularly. I thought I had done so well healing from years of narcissistic abuse, but I was wrong. Even just attending her care meetings at the nursing home I found for her in my neighborhood and visiting her once or twice a month has seriously messed with me. My self-esteem has taken a massive beating. She can't interact with me without making snide digs about me. The nurses probably think that these attacks are just the effect of her dementia, but she has always been this way. She thinks I'm morbidly obese (I'm a size 12), and last summer repeatedly told me that I looked pregnant in whatever I was wearing. She even criticized my toenail polish as being "awful." I don't know what the moral minimum is as far as communicating with her. It takes days to recover from her nastiness.

Thanks DDDuck. I can relate to your experiences.
I don't know why the favored child ends up not being the one to take care of the parent and spending time with them. They're supposedly so close.
My mother lives in a retirement community, she's not at the AL point. She hasn't been evaluated for dementia, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was there.

Yep... Your whole life changes... Only a caregiver (of a disfuntional/narcissist family) could ever understand what we have been through... ;~/

Linda22,
In retrospect, I now understand why it was not a good idea to introduce friends to friends, or to include family with friends if conimg from a dysfunctional family.
Oh, I see. Maybe not for everyone. Maybe not all the time. Thinking on this.

In retrospect, one of the worst things I could have done was to include my mom in activities with my friends. She quickly made herself the caring confidant to them, getting invited to all manner of events, including weddings. If she didn't have her own circle to in the center of, she was going to be the center of mine. When I began setting boundaries, she switched it up by using the sweet little old lady with a bossy daughter persona. At one point, she had convinced my friend of all manner of problems at AL, to the point where my friend was about to contact the state. As few of them know "the rest of the story", their perception of me has been altered, and the relationships affected. Just last week, I ran into an old friend and her first words were to ask about my mother. Wish I could just say "fine, still throwing me under the bus."

linnieg, I think it is really common for some older people to remember only idealized versions of themselves. It's like they have bluebirds and butterflies fluttering all around them. Their families were perfect. Their marriage was perfect. Everything was perfect. Sometimes they have to forget lots of things and make up other things to fill in. I don't really think it is intentional. They just choose to block the ugly out. And the ugly they can't block out was someone else's fault, not theirs.

You can probably tell that I live with a bluebirds and butterflies mother. Strange thing is that she sits in pajamas all day watching TV. Her space around her is such a wreck that I gave up cleaning it. I read in a book somewhere that it is good to confront parents with bad feelings from wrongs of the past. When they are older I don't think there is any point to that. Maybe a letter that can be written and destroyed would be good. I've never done that, because it really isn't my personality to journal and write letters to be destroyed.

I just realized that it helps me most writing like this to people going through the same thing. Kind of like each of us helping each other work through bad feelings, instead of writing a letter that is to be destroyed.

Pheonix3 I am so sorry for you my situation is very similar. I played dead one time during a beating. I think it is horrible and you had more than one sibling it seems like one of them should have seen through the bs but then again you were all children. I just think it is so sad and Iam glad you were able to find some reprieve in a marriage. If you had abreak down from her tactics as a child I would dtread litely and think hard before I ended up as a main care giver. Let one of the favorites or one who was treated well take on that responsibily. I think carefully about taking that on. I know its hard you have the guilt in your heart because that what they implant to keep us in check. I just know you have to draw the line for yourself somewhere. Maybe you all can arrange for care in a facility. I have not got to that point as of yet. So far my experience is learning how to cope with the effects of this narcisstic abuse. I am not comfortable with giving advice but I would defintely look into getting outside care. This caregiving role is very taxing and stressful and like I have said you have the love but you can stop having flashbacks of the pain when you see the same behavior repeated and with the dementia its kind of the raw version because they forget to how to cover it sometimes. I feel for you.