Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

A deathbed confession of love is highly unlikely in my view. I am expecting the nastiness to come out then - like it will be my fault. That would be consistent with her lifelong behaviour. It is a matter of accepting that that is what they are are and they are probably not capable of being any other way. If mother is in heaven when I get there both of us will understand and it won't be a problem.

Nicely put Golden... It's the 'essence" of the whole... Hmmmm... Maybe, we are putting too much emphasis on the 'human' element of it all... I hope there's more to it all... And, in a positive light....
HOPE

If anything, the deathbed scenario would probably be more of the same--a final chance to leave a haunting crippling memory or toxic words that will stunt you for life!
Have you decided if you will attend the memorial/wake/eulogy? I would not blame anyone on this forum for not attending.

I think it will be more of the same but it will not stunt me for life as I will be prepared. In fact, I think I would be a little disappointed if she wasn't in character. I don't think anything she can do/say to me when dying can top the things she has done/said to me while living, As executor I will be arranging any events afterwards, though I will get others to speak. I would not blame anyone here who did not attend either.

I know this thread is about narc mothers but this is about my dad. He was an alcoholic all my life and I had a rough childhood being an only child. I won't get into the gory details but it was no picnic. About a year before his death, I told him how much his drinking hurt and negatively affected me, then I asked him, if he had his life to do all over again, would he do anything differently. "Nope, I'd do it the same way all over again. I have no regrets."
If my child told me I had negatively impacted their life in the past, I sure would have tried to "make it up to them" or at least say I'd change the behavior that hurt them. Some parents can be pretty selfish. I'm glad I'm able to admit to my son when I'm wrong and also apologize when necessary. I was told by my parents that parents don't need to apologize to their children. I'm glad I'm not from their era. No wonder they divorced when I was 5, they both were narcs!

i have been through this as well, one of my parent is a rude and doesnt know the value of any relationships in life
Person who only thinks about them self shouldn't be married as it kills the concept of family!
As kids growing in d family also less know the value of relationship. i advice everyone out there please marry someone because they are beautiful inside not on skin or with to fulfill ur fantasy!
if u still want to encourage then marry and not have kids only u take the torture and dont let ur kids suffer

I thought my parents were just controlling, were they narcs?
mother was physically abusive and dad was mentally/verbally. I grew up unable to take care of myself or make a decision-everything was under their control. Zero privacy, neglect... Mom Highly critical and she was perfect and "holy"
BUT, when I approached her in my 20s she did apologize- so narcs dont' do that. Dad on the otherhand told me to "get over it". ....
What are the symptoms daughters end up with ?
I thought they were lack of decision making and being a parent to their parent, - I had to be the "clone" of both with no personality of my own- stay with them, keep them company and do their things. (just working things out here)

Thank you. This is such a helpful site. I am 60 now and living in closer proximity to my mother, find all the suffering and confusion coming back big time. I'm gradually letting her and everything go, in spite of the guilt trips from my sibblings and extended family. Thank you.

Devins, you come first now! Don't let them play those guilt trips.

My NPD/BP mother's mother died when she was two years old, after a year of being very sick with cancer (back in 1922). She and her older sister were placed in an orphanage for a while because the dad could not adequately care for them. A nanny stepped in and the dad eventually married her out of convienience for the children's sake. The step mother was a good person, but was never a "motherly" parent. So, the theory that after the age of 18 months if a child is deprived of a strong nurturing mother, the patterns of Narcissism and attention seeking begin to take root, definitely fit concerning my mother. However, I was raised by HER, and she never genuinely loved her kids, husband or anyone. We were all pawns on her game table, used for her gratification. And yet, thankfully, I did not become a narcissist. Sometimes, a NPD/BP mother creates "enablers", caretakers (again, for her gratification) and we must learn HEALTHY narcissism. And that sounds wrong to use the words "healthy" and "narcissim" together - but knowing how to take care of one's self with guilt-free setting of boundaries is a good thing. We are JUST AS worthy as anyone to receive and give and experience genuine love, care and concern - even if the only source of those things comes from within, and ultimately, I believe, that may be our only real source.

You're making me giggle like an idiot, Send. 😂 Oh, I love nonsense. Real life is just far too serious for my tastes.

I've been feeling really resentful these past day and also feel like I'm mourning 'my' life. Resentful, because the years of trying to help my mother and her always having to be 'right' and up the anty... Her constant pitting me against my brothers (who do nothing ... And, I quote her "Why should they? They have a life")... She treats strangers like they are gold... And, demeans me like I'm crap... My heart is so damaged by mother dearest... Coming from a 'mother' really hurts... How do you ever 'accept' that you'll never have the mother you looked for all you life and then stabs you in the heart (after you've tried everything). I don't look forward to anything... Especially the holidays... Especially, when my brothers call to wish my mother "Merry Christmas/Happy New Year".

Heart, yesterday was the pits when it comes to my mother. I wonder why it even bothers me when she treats me badly. I get so angry. It really shouldn't bother me, though. She thinks women are lowly, but it is her problem. I wish I could stop letting her get my goat. Pfft.

It's so unhealthy for us Jessie... I sometimes wish I had a heart of stone like hers, so nothing bothered me... It's diffucult when you're the only one caregiving all the time... I feel guilty sometimes when I just don't want to hear anything from her anymore... (One-way conversations are exhausting)... We're both in a tough position...

The strange thing is that I end up feeling like I've done something wrong. Yesterday we went out shopping and out to eat. When we got home she said how much she wanted to go to her childhood home. There is nothing there now except her memories. I told her she could ask my brother the next time he went. She said she didn't want to bother him and that I should take her. When I told her I couldn't, she got angry and said I never did anything for her. This was after I had donated three days to doing things she wanted to do. No matter how much I do, she feels I owe her more.

All this happened after she chewed me out at the restaurant for helping her. She said she could do it herself. People around were looking in sympathy, probably thinking poor daughter having to put up with that. It was pretty bad. It was the first time I can remember her showing her butt in public.

When we got home she wouldn't take her insulin or medications. She kept saying she just wanted to die. The eerie thing was that last time she said that, she had a look in her eye of enjoyment. She doesn't realize that she was just kicking herself in the rear in striking out at me.

"No matter how much I do, she feels I owe her more"... This sounds like my mother... I am so exhausted with all this time-consuming $/&?!!... It is so wearing over time... Now, no matter where I am (even if she not with me) I feel the drain of "How could you?... Where were you???... What are 'we' doong tomorrow?... ". Should I (and you) feel 'guilty' that we haven't done things 'right' or haven't done 'evough'?... Even if can 'shed' the guilt... How can you forget someone (litterally) belittling, critisizing, not respecting or listening to you...?... How do you cleanse the mind and get the monkey off your back?

heart - you get the monkey off your back by distancing and detaching. The less I see my mother, the less she bothers me. I am not saying the all the memories of abuse have gone - they haven't and I doubt they ever will.. But by staying away from her at least she is not creating new wounds. I think that's why it is recommended that abused adult children do not do hands on caregiving for their abusers. Old wounds are opened up and new ones are created. With the continual abuse, you do not have a chance to heal.

Jessie - the guilt you are feeling is false guilt created by not living up to your mother's unrealistic, sick, narcissistic expectations, You are doing nothing wrong to or for her, and many things right for her but she enjoys making you feel guilty as then she is "in control".

Neither of you will ever do enough for your mothers. They are playing their narcissistic games and you will never win as long as you engage with them. The only way you win is by refusing to engage, and that is extremely difficult, if not impossible, as long as you live with them. There is too much history.

heart - how do you accept that they will never be the mother you need? Look at reality, and feel the pain. When you accept the reality, which is obvious to many, you will feel the pain big time,- but then eventually it will fade. As things are now you feel pain daily but never move past it..

You're right Golden...Thank you

That is so true, golden. It is why it is fairly easy for me to say no. With each no comes the bullying, however, that makes life in the house miserable. If I did give in and take her to her childhood home, it wouldn't have been any different. There would always be something else on the other side.

I don't know if I feel guilt as much as I feel anger and defensiveness. It is like my mother wants to remove my ability to tell her no, and I feel wrong having to defend myself against her. She really needs a slave instead of a daughter. Or better yet, she needs some compassion and empathy instead of the false persona she tries to project. Her life could have been a lot more, but she spent it concentrating on herself and meeting her need at the moment. I don't want my life to be like that.

I guess what I need to do is write a book... if for no one else, then to work out some of my own thoughts.

I can only 'distance' and 'attached' (interact) with her so much... I have to make sure her 'needs' are met. When I do not 'engage' with her, she starts to 'regress' (sleeps a lot, gets more upset... Puts more blame on me for about anything... because she can't do anything without me... (The strain only gets worse for both of us when she's totally dependent on me).
Jessie... What does your mother 'do' when you're not around?

My mother prefers to be alone, so I'm not around her a lot. She watches TV. Sometimes she complains that she is always alone and no one cares about her. She pushes people away. She has one friend who used to call to see if she wanted to sit outside. She would say she wasn't up to it, so finally the friend stopped calling. We have a young woman from the church who wants to visit each month, but Mom tells her she's sick each time. My brothers come by every few months. Other than that, it is just me. When I spend time with her, she comes up with tasks and picks arguments.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not spending more time with her. Then I realize that she made her lonely bed by pushing everyone away during her lifetime. I am not required to lie in that bed she made. Sometimes she complains that she never gets out, but usually says she doesn't feel like it when I ask her. It is a bit of a game she plays -- refusing to do things, then blaming me for not doing things with her. She won't remember that I offered to do things. I don't know if this is the dementia forgetting, or if she just doesn't accept things that go against her being blameless. Being blameless is very important to her.

BTW, I believe the task list and arguments are her way of pushing me away. I live here, so telling me that she's not up to a visit is not as simple. I believe that if my mother could have lived alone with my father for the rest of her life, it would have been her ideal.

Jessie, if my FIL could have ived with my MIL for all of eternity, that would have been MY preference too! LOL! Damnit!

I don't understand the games some of our mother's play (knowingly or not). If a mother is fortunate enough to have a daughter who is so helpful to them, why would they be so disrespectful and mean?... I know... Stupid question, because this is their ingrained 'makeup'... Which, yes... Makes everyone want to flee the situation around them altogether, so they can run back to their stable to live and enjoy their lives (I'm talking about siblings now). I was thinking the other day how (for our siblings) it's all fun and games, but for us it's sacrifice, stress... And, more sacrifice...

JessieBelle and Heart2Heart, your mothers deserve each other. Any chance you live near each other? I am visualizing the two of you putting the two elders together while the two of you go to a spa retreat or something...better yet, how about a spa cruise?

Do they have Spa Cruises CTTN?... Have you heard of people (seniors) living on cruise ships all the time (as their main home)? About a month ago, they did a story on the news about a woman in her 80's who sold her home and has lived on cruise ships ever since... A long time ago... I remember she even had children and grandchildren...

... I believe she started living on the cruise ships when she was in her 60's... (She's now in her 80's)

My best friend's mother left her with her grandparents one day when she was 6, ran off with her boyfriend (who didn't want a kid in the way) and never came back. My friend has been traumatized by this for 46 years. She has been in contact with her mother through the years (at holidays) and has been kind to her but desperately wanted the love of her mom. Of course, being a narc, that wasn't going to happen. We talked about it. My thought is that it's not that her mom "won't", it's that she "can't". Many people can't fill our needs because they are "unable". If you look at it this way, you won't hate the people who are narcissistic (or have other problems), you'll feel sorry for them. How sad to not have the ability to love someone or be able to express it. How sad to always think of yourself first without considering the situation of others. I'm glad I'm not like them. I pray for my mother (the narc, and the lousy lives of all the people who "can't" and I'm glad I "can"!!

I can avoid my mother for weeks and then after just 15 minutes with her, my head is spinning and my blood pressure is heading skyward. She lives in an alternative universe--her own reality. I am the only child she does this to. One of my brothers lives in another state and can only stay in a room with her for about ten minutes. My sister is exactly like her--so they have an understanding.
My other brother is her direct caregiver--her piece of property, her flying monkey the one who does her bidding.
I am the rebel she can't control and that is why she places all of her venom on me.

By the way, I highly recommend the book
You're Not Crazy--It's Your Mother. The author also has a great email list you can sign up for--her email messages are really informative and comforting. She is so spot on, it's scary.