Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Must be a bad day. I am expecting company tomorrow, so I was vacuuming. She complained that it wasn't dirty and she didn't know why I was doing it. No one was going to notice anyway. She went on and on with it. I finally told her it was a pride thing. I finished cleaning. Then I went back in and said that I shouldn't be upset with her criticizing, because I know she criticized because she felt guilty. It was easier to criticize than feel guilty.

More to the point is that she criticized me because I was doing something that made her feel guilty. What a way to turn the mirror of ugly onto the person doing something good.

Reading about how you're always causing trouble, Heart, I wonder if you're doing something that is causing her to feel guilty. Maybe you're always doing good things that make her feel bad because she's not doing them.

Yeah Jessie... Only thing is I can't ever win... I took her to her senior center today to play bingo... She asked me to move the table so she coul be closer to the 'prizes' because she has to literally hold on to everything (won't use a walker). When I moved it a few inches closer for her and another woman (to center it so it would be in the middle for everyone), the (government) people who run the place jumped all over me... When 'I' picked her up and drover her home she told ME that I am always causing trouble!... It doesn't stop there... Then, she continues to blame me for all the trouble in our family... For all the trouble with my brothers who never come around.., I am so sick of doing everything for her... My life will never regret be the same... I worked so hard to get to this place in my life... They closed my office a few months ago and she isn't empathetic at all... I never new I could despise my mother so much... I'm so tired (as I sit on my front porch... I don't feel like my house is my home anymore). You must handle it so much better than mine... Or, my mother is a lot worse than yours... In any case, I have always felt 'abandoned' from birth... I supported myself from when I was 15.... Went to 5 grade schools and 3 high schools... Moved away and gave myself an outstanding education with the goal of making a better life for myself... Never counted on anyone for anything... (she rips everything about me apart... There is nothing in her eyes that I am good enough for)...

Not so different, Heart. I just keep my really deep feelings tucked inside. I try to be nice most days, but it can be like having a dog chewing at my ankles. Why she does it to me, I don't know. She's sweet to everyone else. We are lucky in a way. I see the grief others feel and know I won't feel that same grief. I feel sad that I didn't have a mother and father who loved me and I loved back, but it wasn't meant to be in this life. If before life we chose who we wanted to be born to, boy did I ever goof. Who knows, though. Maybe it is all for the best in some way we don't see now. I do know that it has given me more empathy with what people and animals are going through.

I don't know how you keep it instead Jess. I'm trying so hard to leArn how to do this and I just can't. It's so hard through the years to dodge the zingers that keep getting thrown at me. I'm getting sadder and sadder. Not only for myself, but for anyone in my shoes. I guess I feel too deeply and am too nice of a person... But, that'll get me into a depression. I used to live life so much, even through my strife. And, then it all came back. I guess I should have not 'tried' so hard to keep my 'family' alive, as it only killed me.

Don't ever expect a kind word from your mother. It's not in them. What I noticed is that when I paid attention to my inner voice, I ended up better off. My parents always gave me bad advice or discouraged me from aiming higher. I do know that I have compassion for the underdog and the innocent-children, animals, etc., so there is a good side to what I've been through.

Thank you Caregiving NYC

You're welcome Heart2Heart. I wish there were more studies and awareness of this problem.

Hi everyone... Just woke up and thinking of you... When I get in 'these' ups and downs I throw myself into being busy (I understand about vacuuming Jess). Yesterday I stained the deck(!) and in about an hour will mow the lawn. At least I can take my frustrations out on work and be 'away'. I'm also meeting and talking with some friends and neighbors... I sure wish we didn't have to have this to weigh on on minds... So sad, when life is so short (and it's such a nice time of the year).

Heart, I can tell that you and I are both really struggling through this. It is mighty depressing. It takes all the joy and motivation out of life to be treated so poorly by the person we stay with. My mother has gotten into this new kick now about how it is good for me to sit down and talk to old folks to keep them company. She says it to me like I'm a teenager she is imparting wisdom to. Sigh. After what I've been through, the only elder I want to talk to is myself.

Well, I'm off to the store this morning. I'm going to try to find a muse while I'm out so I'll feel like taking pictures of inventory and working to get things sold. It is a slow time of the year and people are holding their money, instead of spending. It has been a horrible year psychologically and financially. The political environment doesn't help things, either. I avoid talking about anything political now with people -- something I used to love. Political talk can get pretty abusive now, there is such hate for both candidates. I don't need to hear any more bad talk.

I agree with you about politics Jess... I had a yard sale last week to get rid of things... I did, but it was a lot of work, especially when the hot sun came out... I also understand about you mother trying to impail wisdom on you... My mother does the same... Wanting me to sit and 'play' bingo with her and the elderly (like I'm their age)... I decided to quickly back off... One woman actually said to me "Do you think you're too young to play" (I was dumbfounded)... Go ou and talk with people our own age and try hard to smile and have a nice day (I'll try to do the same... even though my mother and I aren't talking at the moment)... Just took my frustrations out on mowing and cleaning the yard... Now have to go wash up...🌹

I am so glad this thread is still going. I've had a new problem come up with my mother. She is taking verbal shots at me because I don't sit down and keep her company. This really bothers me. She spent a lifetime pushing people away from her, so she has no family and friends. She won't call anyone, because she doesn't have anything to say. She has no hobbies beside watching TV reruns over and over. She is so mean to me usually that I can't stay in the same room for more than a few minutes. How in the world would I spend more time with someone who is so unlikable? I already spend an hour or two throughout the day. I'm wondering if this is just her new criticism of the day.

Spend more time with her? Just shoot me.

I know what you mean (no pun intended) Jess. My mother can never get enough of me, me, me... I ran errands all day today and I watched her as she didn't know what to do with herself. I was ther when my oldest brother called for 5 mins... always interesting to her her tell him all the things she does on her life... (Of course I'm excluded... But, I don't care at this point anymore)... (This is the one of two of her son's that never come to visit)... I /met talked with a neighbor gal today... It was interesting because she was telling me how her mother always wanted her to come visit her because she was bored... She told me she sees her a few times a month, but won't go anymore than that... She wants her mother to move into ass't living so she can meet people and do things, but she says she wants to stay with her 'things' (literally... Her daughter says she collects junk trinkets and has them all over her house... Ugh!). Anyway... In my backing off from my mother, I do feel somewhat guilty, but I'm exhausted from all the years of being the daughter who does everything without being treated fairly in our 'family'. A person can't crawl under someone's skin and live for another person... It just drags you further and further down... The weight gets very heavy... Eh?

Amen, Heart. We can only give so much of ourselves. If you've already given so much, how much more can you give?

I've worked so hard around my house to make this environment full of flowers in the spring and here it is... It took effect me years to get these plants to grow since I'm in Colorado (semi arid climate)... That along with keeping a job, going to the geocery store mor often than not... more for her... Patiently, patiently waiting for my mother to get things s l o w l y... Which took hours... Taking her to church and affairs which too h o u r s... I'm so deeply ripped apart how's his is looking it will all end... I'm so wrecked by it all... How do we go on after the 'fight' is over?

This morning my mother was especially bad with confusion. She was washing all of her clothes because she decided one of the fabric softeners was making her skin burn. There is no reasoning with her, so wash she did. I had to talk her into getting a blood sugar reading and getting some breakfast. It took three hours. I was an emotional wreck. I had to go to the store and while driving I felt better. Just getting out of my cage (the house) relaxed me.

This shouldn't be as difficult as it is. Instead of asking once about medicines, etc., I have to ask repeatedly. It seems like my day is spent asking her if she has done something yet. Then she gets mad at me for nagging her. But I have to nag her, because she won't do it. Sometimes she won't do things out of spite. She doesn't realize she isn't doing it for me. She is doing it for herself.

Heart, it sounds like you have a lot of beauty in your home. I would get out and enjoy it when you're feeling caged. Maybe it will keep you from getting tied up in a knot with her personality. I know it helped me today. Today was a 9 on a scale of 10, so I needed some relief from the stress I was feeling.

I understand Jess... I did get out today... My mother and I are not talking now and it's only going to make taking care of her so much harder. She gets more and more distant (intentionally... Because it seems she has a distain for me which is growing bigger and bigger). I plan to get up early tomorrow and head out for the morning... Trouble is... I always come back to the same... She is demanding in her wants and has a preconceived idea that I am some ogor. I'm having a difficult time with my head right now... I'm in knots over how she thinks of me... I just want to keep on running until I can't run anymore. Only I can't... I have a house to take care of and payments to make (not working now)... She could care less (no empathy) for the situation I'm in... And yet expects me to take her to church Sunday abandoned then on a full bus of seniors because she can barely get around... I'm dreading that... No fun at all... rrrrrrr...

Heart, we should have out own little group: Adult children taking care of elder parents who despise them. My mother also thinks I'm an ogre, and a lot of time I feel like one. It is tricky taking on the parent role while trying to let them think they are still in control of everything. It is hard to be giving so much to them, only to have them say that you are taking everything from them. We can try to be so nice, but it doesn't work. They're mad about something, anyway.

I take my mother to church each Sunday, then out to eat. I don't mind doing it since I get to talk to some people who are fun to talk to. We have valet parking, which makes things easier. The valets are so nice and helpful. They show particular favor to my mother and another elderly woman who is in bad condition. Their heart is right.

Going out to eat is different. I have to do everything, so it's always stressful. No fun at all.

I thought about it just now. You know, I don't really care what my mother thinks of me. I just get tired of everything taking so much time and hearing only bad things. I drains me physically and emotionally. She comes up with all these projects that I need to do, then gets mad at me if I don't hop to them. I know it is because she is not thinking sensibly, but it is still stressful to have her chewing on my leg. So... I don't really care so much what she thinks of me, I just don't want her to drain me with her demands and anger.

Heart, Care and Jesse, I was just reading and its so touching. Jesse like you I cant stand to see any body or thing hurt. I allwoed myself to be hindered from going further in my profession by both mother and sister. And its do hard to believe but I too am blamed for every and anything that happens in the family. And see now thaat I wasted my heart and strenght and youth trying to keep my family happy. I also see how it makes me vulunerble and stupid cause Im so used to being put down and insulted that even when I notice it in others I am slow to address it in one way or another and then I end up really hurting feelings if I shock them with a serious no shit attitude. Why is it so hard. And then I don't have a shoulder to cry on or a smile or hug to look forward to. Then get flash backs of feelings from thousands of incidents with my mother and sister. And now after begining this forum I see and understand and Im so grateful to come to grasping what was going on but I still dont seem to be able to accept it. Now Im getting old, my mother is demented and still doing the same thing and I guess I maybe blocked the realness in past years but now I see it as it is so does the torrment ever end. I offset thing by loving everybody else. Its just so good to be able to see myself and my situation inf the forum. It gives good perspective. I see the ways of dealing with it and learn ways to deal. This has really helped me and thanks that I can be honest and open. It is such a relief and a hold to my sanity.

I read this awesome discription Freedom from a 2013 post and it knocked me off my feet. It validated my experience.Becuase its so true no one would believe the things that go on in these type situations but someone whose been though it. So I sent a copy to my son to help him understand where my crazy comes from. I dont even think counseling when I get it will help. Becuase you got all these ugly moments. I try not to even think about it. But when I see children my heart cracks hoping they are not me or wondering what I lacked with my son. I think the one thing that Helped me and him is that I could not do to him what was done to me. I acknowledge him, made sure he knew I love him and I validated him. Now in my crazy I left him with the person who did me in to go to college and there was a lot of damage done just from the few hours when I had late classes. Because my weaknesses were used to hurt him so he would hate me tooo. I thank God it did not come to fruition. I think love heals and protects and that is what saved and saves me. If Im not getting it, I sure as h... am giving it. Thats what saves me.

The description was written by Freedom about narcissitic mothers and posted in 2013.

DDD... Acceptance is a difficult thing to grasp if there's no justification and it's down right wrong for people to treat you mean, especially a mother (it's cruel). Looking back my mistake was being too kind, loving and giving. I never would go have thought that I was grooming myself for so much family hurt. Even after realizing this, it's all too late for reconciliation because it takes two willing sides. But, knowing I am not alone here has helped save my sanity also. Jess... I wish I didn't care about how my mother feels about me... Maybe this will come soon I hope... So I can find peace from torment.

Ct that bought tears to my eyes.

Heart to Heart I am just so glad I discovered this forum becuase I have grown and it helps. I now have understanding about this narccisse sickness. My mother and sitster have it. I watched my sister get hugged and babied. I have often wondered what its like to get that cudle from a parent. I sure dont remember such things. I did get a lot of your a smart girl though. I just try to give the love to my son that I didnt get. I still have bitter with my mother because even though she is now elderly and frail that narcisse comes out oh my goodness! the set up and manipulation. The other day its trash day. I go out and come back and she done pulled all this garbage from who knows where saying come and get this garbahe you left here. Its amazing cause that came along with many negative comments and shame. Because of this I was able to walk away but these things make me feel bad for that little girl in me who didnt know the deal until now. As for my sister I am now able to dismiss her. Spent loto of years lookin for love from her too. Give give give and nothing in return. Helped raise her kids. Guess what? no more Xmas and Thanksgiving in family. Guess who it was important to, Me. I go get best douglas fir dont know how I got it in and set it up for many years. Now thats all gone. No more pretending. Im afraid I will blow up on my sister if I get or hear any more of the notions that are in her sick mind. I ve been conditioned to put up with it now Im slowly growing thru this. One thing for sure I can do it with my mother as hard as it is but I as far as my sister I am done stick a fork in me. I dont even look at her anymore. There so much betrayal over and over in some very deep ways and principles. I was fooling myself. But no more and its her loss. There was a time when I could make my self reconcile. But how do you do that with a narcissPerson. We have to be able to look at ourselves and acknowledge our wrong. That will never happen with her or my mother. That is why I am to blame for every thing that goes wrong in anyones life in their sick eyes. So now its me trying to process that knowledge ive found here. Would be nice if that prince would show up and swoop me out of this emotional hell. jBut like I have said my prayers and faith have kept me sane through the ugly in my life. I can barely handle my own wrongs and decisions Im not going to be anybodies scapegoat again.. just got to learn what to do with the feelings when I see it.

Yes CT we are worthy and there is so much love here and that is the key to it all I think to life. Welll .... a main part.

Hi DDD, CT and everyone... It does feel good to 'finally' acknowledge narcissistic tendencies, accept it and go on... The 'release' of letting go is our freedom. They have made their choices and we have to make ours... (As sad as 'we' see it). Love yourself and feel good about it... Will we have our ups and downs? Absolutely... But, we can't change people even the ones we are related to. Like you, I tried everything... But somehow, after coming close to being very sick, I am learning how precious I AM... DDD... You are Blessed to have your son... and, we are Blessed to have this forum... Love you...

Ct, thanks for the affirmations and DD I know what it's like to try and pretend that your mother is normal and that holidays will be normal but they aren't and you've just got to create your own new traditions. There is a great little book
called Notes From Your Inner Mother by Danu Morrigan. It is filled with great illustrations and affirmations that speak to you like a good mother should have.
They are very uplifting notes. This forum has been wonderful because there are times when it's easy to think that one is alone with this problem. These moms are good at fooling the outside world and I know that my sister will never understand my problem because we were not treated the same way and she is exactly like my mother--critical, demanding, and selfish when it comes to family but quick to paste on a phony smile and able to act pleasant around outsiders. I always thought she should have become an actress-she'd that good!

I went through the same thing with the jealous and mean narc mother and sister. I have always been the scapegoat an blamed for all of the problems in thei lives. They even tried to get me to separate from my husband using the inheritance. The gas lighting doesn't end. I am distancing myself emotionally and physically. It seems the older these narc mothers get the meaner they get.

yep, the old gaslight. If the sky is blue, they will say it's black. Listen to that inner voice--not the voices in their heads.

Dubai I am glad you are distancing. I find it is the only answer.

My mother seems to all of these traits... Interesting article:psychologytoday