Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Hello everyone.
I was asked this question recently. What causes Narcissism. When I first started this tread I knew nothing, I simply wanted to know if there were other people like myself dealing with a parent who was so out of control and I simply wanted to let out some steam. I also wondered how in the world did my mother get this way. What happen? Why? And so forth. In this great new world we live in there is the internet and all you have to do is go to Google and type in a few words and Bingo, you have a whole menu of answers. Well, I Google it and after reading different articles I came away with this.

Narcissistic behavior is in all of us, but in some it is on a grand scale. It's out of kilter. We are born uncivilized. If our parents did not teach us how to eat with a fork and knife, we eat like pigs. If we took things from others without asking, we be thieves. In other words if we behaved in a manner of take, take, take regardless of consequences and if the parents of a narcissistic child in the making is ill equipped in their parental skills, not that they would do it on purpose, they simply did not recognize what was happening. The narcissistic child who is so demanding of attention will seek it in different forms, even if they are naughty. Doing bad things might get an adults attention and if it isn't handled properly the child has learned that bad behavior gets rewarded. This happen to my mother. I asked my mothers sisters and my late Grandmother, what happen to my mother, why is she so different then the others. My Grandparents were farmers in the old country. My mother was the oldest of 5 children and as I talked to all her siblings, my mother was a little brat since she could walk. She demanded attention, if she didn't get it, she do bad things, it was nothing earth shaking but she was always up to no good. "They" my mom's parents, aunts and uncles and cousins always thought it was funny what she did as a child, so my mom got the attention.But once she got older, it got worse, but by that time she was out of control.
I have read that our personalities are formed by the age of five. So you can see what can happen.
None of us come with a degree in parental skills. This is a one time shot. Just because we have the mechanism for making a human being doesn't necessarily mean we are going to help guide a spectacular perfect human being. We have a basic instinct to care for our young, but not all are the best educated parents. This is not to say it's my Grandparents fault that my mother turned out this way, because none of the others are nasty. It all depends on the individual, my mother in a sense got the bad end of the stick. Yes, I feel sorry for her because she has no clue what this life is all about. It's very sad in a way, for we all see it and they don't have a clue. And the worst part is that they "affect" (I misspelled the word in my topic sentence, sorry, I can't change it....lol) so many people by their bad behavior. For these same people procreate and abuse their offspring and anyone around them, that is the delima we all face. How to survive these mental vampires. Educate yourself. Seek counseling. Join a group or start writing on the Internet ( Helllllloooooo.....lol) and see if you are the only one who is dealing with this nasty human being. To stay in the dark and not know what your up against only drives you in a dark place, where you need not be.

I am amazed how this tread has evolved. You all have so many stories and so many are hurting, I hope this tread has helped many and I must say it surely has helped me. I got my answer...............

With love and admiration to all of you...........Midwest

Rvsp -- no worries, my wording was vague! Sorry about that.
Anger, outburtsts, accusations and blaming -- yes, they can be signs of dementia, maybe undetected small strokes are a possibility. Long term alcoholism really affects the brain too.
You also have to think about how the person handled responsibility for things in general throughout her life. Did she blame, accuse, and get angry? Or did she maybe consider how her own actions contributed? Narcissists NEVER do this, and I think part of being an addict is that someone or something else is always to blame. Addicts act like Narcissists when they're in the middle of their addiction, and maybe they're already narcissistic to begin with. Kind of a chicken and egg thing.

This is always a favorite subject of mine, the narcissistic parent. I really learned a lot from the Daughters of narcissistic parents website. I just lost my mother a few days ago, who was not this way. I am lucky she was a loving parent all the way to the end. However, my husband's mother is the opposite. She is everything described to a T all the way down to matching the quotes of what narc parents say on the website. She moved in across the street to force us to take care of her. She is a self-centered hateful person and makes everyone around her feel bad. We have been taking care of her for 5 years, which means chores and just someone to listen to her talk about how much of a victim she is and how nobody cares.

It has been not quite one week since my mother died. MIL has not called or emailed me or anything or my adult children who are also deeply grieving. She is so jealous. She claims we were not there for her when her sister died so we don't deserve her condolences. She actually said this to my daughter. (and we all were, supporting her through the loss of her sister she often claimed she hated). It is mind boggling.

I eats me up how much we have done, but I know that it is a mental illness and I try to look the other way. My husband is who I watch the most. She never acted like she loved him and has always treated him terribly and the verbal abuse I have witnessed is sickening, yet he spends 2 days a week with her every single week. He is able to be pretty firm with her, but I know he hurts inside.

As soon as the news hit that my mother died, the MIL announced that she would not release any more money to my children for their college from their designated college funds. She did this the day the money was due for spring term. The money was never hers, it was from their "grandpa" who lived with the MIL. She got control of the accounts when he was in hospice and became his POA. Sick. It has been a battle every term for those kids. She says they don't deserve it, they dont appreciate a dollar, they don't thank me blah blah. They both carry above a 4.0 and always have. They are both the most responsible young adults I know. They are now walking away from her and have decided to go get loans and say they will never speak to her again.

I want to decide today that I am free and walk away from her too. The hard part is my husband won't, he will continue taking her abuse just because she is his mother. He doesn't really let her walk all over him, but how can I stand here and let him take it without sharing in the responsibility? It is very hard. He says I don't have to do anything for her. I won't be doing it for her, it will be for him

The hardest part is the guilt. I spent more time on that ungrateful woman than my own mother because of her demands and threats and guilt trips. Narcissistic people are professionals at manipulation. I cannot go even part of a day without the MIL in my head. I want to help her, but she is so terribly toxic to me that I feel insane.

How on earth can I let go of this guilt and free myself without leaving all of her care to my husband?

ohjeezleweez - You are NOT feeling guilt. What you ARE feeling is resentment. Let's get that straight.

Yes, this person is "family", but that does not give anyone permission to be abusive and controlling. Yes you can walk away from abusive people, even if they are "family". This is not wrong, it's not illegal, it's not immoral. It's about survival. If she were flogging you with a whip you would not just stand there and take it for years on end. Verbal and mental abuse is absolutely no different.

Start small. Don't make any grand announcements to anybody. SImply stop answering her phone calls entirely. Let her rant & rage at voicemail and delete them. Instruct the family that they are absolutely NEVER to bring the phone to you if it's her.

My mother would barge - by phone- her way into my life - even if I was going to the bathroom - she was so inconsiderate and bullying. She barged her way in while I was in labor and had said NO PHONE CALLS!

Eventually you will need to explain to your husband this stress is killing you and you are making some changes to keep your health and sanity up. You will have to say that you understand he is in a different place and may not be able to do the same as you, and that's fine, but he will have to respect your wishes.

Don't go over there. Don't do any chores. Don't help out. Don't answer the phone. Don't be available. "Go dark". This will freak her out and I guarantee there will be some epic theatrics to pull you back in. But don't take the bait. Even if she sets herself on fire in the front yard. Call 911 and let the professionals deal with her. Her chores, her unhappiness, her boredom, her dissatisfaction, her anything is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Every single time you do NOT cave and come running, she is being taught that you are not hers to own and control. She won't like it. She may even try to interfere in your marriage by working your husband over. My mother tried that.
Thankfully my husband shut her up really fast.

It sounds stupidly simple, but the best strategy to deal with a NPD/BPD person is to just not. Don't deal with them at all. Don't explain anything. Don't apologize. You do not owe her one iota of information or detail.

One thing a narcissist can't tolerate is a dish of their own sausage so to speak. When my mother was in my house, she tried to take over and be the queen, but I would absolutely not let her. We ate when the family was ready for meal time, not when she demanded snacks. Laundry got done on our schedule. She had to understand that we had activities and obligations outside the house that she was NOT invited to. I went to the store without her. I ran errands without her. She was ugly, rude, mean, and got spitting, stomping, fighting mad because NPDs can often have very poor emotional regulation. That part of their brain just doesn't fire up like it should.

Ultimately, this anger toward me/us accelerated her move into a senior living place, where she began all the same behaviors toward those people & staff.

You have to believe you can do it. Take the first step. It will feel naughty and wrong, but it is not.

weezie, there'll be time for advice on how to help you with this situation, but for today, just a hug and my condolences on losing your mom. Comfort your kids, be kind to yourself and when she starts on you, hold up your hand and tell her this is simply not the time for this nonsense. And walk away.

I can tell you first hand the final results. You feel nothing but relief when she dies. No loss or sadness, just a heavy weight lifted off your shoulders. You also feel extremely empty inside due to losing a loving relationship you never got to achieve. Narcissistic people can take a piece of your soul to the grave with them if you are not careful when they are alive. This is the distructive force of a narcissistic.

I've lived my whole life with a mother that degraded everything everyone did. There was always something wrong with everyone except the few women she wanted to be friends with in the past 5 yrs or so. My father died 4 yrs ago and she constantly puts him down and has for about the past 10 yrs. I'm an only child and it seems that nothing I do is good enough. I went thru a divorce 3 yrs ago. I was married 14 yrs, the last 7 of which he was a drunk and wanted to lay out of work and me pay all the bills. He & I remodeled a home for her but she forgot my effort. During my divorce process, he buddied up to her and she told me that I needed to go back to him because he offered to help her whenever she needed. I called one day and he was in her house repairing her curio cabinet. I told her if she didn't stop having association with him that it was going to cause a problem with mine and her relationship and she told me to shut my mouth that he was helping her and if it caused a problem between she & I that it would be my fault. He stalked me for 2 yrs and finally I moved and didn't tell anyone where I was. After my divorce, she didn't want me to have any friends whatsoever. One night I went out with a male gay co-worker and she threw a tantrum and said I was partying, I don't even drink. I sold a client a candle and she sent her fiance to pick it up because it was on his way and my mother called me a prostitute (literally) because she pulled up as he was leaving. I was going thru my divorce and hadn't even been on a date. All I did was go to work and go home. I went out 3 times in 4 months, each time was with female or male gay co-workers to dinner and one of those times was a movie. Told me she didn't want me to have a man in my life ever. When I left my ex, I didn't take any furniture. When I went to purchase furniture, she & I both bought the same volume and quality from the same store which included living room and bedroom furniture. I needed everything and I bargain shopped for decent quality, but by no means top of the line. Her furniture was old and she wanted new. I paid for the delivery for both of ours. My father inherited a piece of property worth over $200k, which by law meant it was half mine. It sold a few months ago. I was supposed to receive half of the money in the sale, but I discovered she has contracted $65k to remodel herself another home to live in. I asked her when she planned to (or if) I was going to receive any of my part in my inheritance from the property and she politely told me I wasted money on furniture after my divorce, that I could have went to goodwill and bought what I needed. All the little items I needed I bought at yard sales or either friends gave me to help out. With my inhertance from dad I had planned on adding to my education and putting a down payment on a home and leaving the rest for a nest egg. I work 2 jobs to make ends meet and have for the past 14 yrs. She is now 68 and hasn't worked a job since she was 25, my dad was the sole source of income. My friends say she is a control freak and there will come a time when I have to remove myself from the toxic relationship with her. A couple days ago she told me how much I wasted on the furniture and said I wasn't going to receive any of my inhertance as long as I had anyone in my life other than her. I told her I had never in my life done anything right in her eyes and I hung up. I don't plan on calling her back. I'm tired of being hurt and I've finally had enough!

I have to live with my Narsistic mother for financial reasons while my husband works overseas. She never liked my husband and resented that he took me far away from her. Now that I am living with her she is constantly bad mouthing him and telling me to leave him. I think in her delusional way she thinks that if I leave him I can be her full time caretaker. The other day I broke down because stress and cried. It was because of financial difficulties we were having but right away she blamed it on "that man" as she calls him. She said she could not handle all these emotions in her "last years". And how can I do this to her. As a result I felt guilty. I don't know what got into me but I gave her a hug and said I loved her. She pushed me away and said I will have none of this! I should have learned a long time ago not to show my emotions and think she could be a loving,caring mother.

Effects? Sitting here at eleven at night, knowing she's on another tear, thinking about the irony that the person who gave you physical life is now the person who is draining the emotional life out of you.

I lost my Father from a lengthy illness. I have been so grief stricken & it has been most difficult dealing with his absence! I miss my Dad immensely & I was so very close to him. My narcissistic mother is still as bad as ever. I thought once Dad was gone we could get along better because she wouldn't feel threatened by me and my closed relationship with my Dad. I was wrong. She has continued to stir trouble between us kids, mainly manipulating them against me. Her controlling ways, sabotaging family get togethers, constantly bad mouthing me. I'm working on healing but it's been tough. Lately, I've distanced myself from her. Seeing her at my grandson's games & festivities has been uncomfortable for I act as if she's not there.....very sad:(

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you are forced to live in the same home with your narcissitic mother. My ex husband was never good enough for me, as well. Yet when he left, she never gave me emotional support. Your mother has focused on mad mouthing your husband, otherwise, she'll find something else to criticize you for, if she hasn't already. Her remarks, "how could you do this to her?" It's all about them, their feelings, if any. No forgiveness or compassion & their inability to love, unconditional is not in our mother's vocabulary. They enjoy criticizing us daughters, placing guilt on her, demeaning us...it feeds their narcissism. I am working on healing. I've read the book "Will I ever be good enough, healing the daughter's of narcissistic mothers." It's opened my eyes but I have a ways to go for full healing. Please see my recent posting begins "I lost my Father from a lengthy illness". I wish you the best & hope you are able to make changes to your current living situation for it is not good for you or your health! BJLovats

BJLovats - bless you.

One thing that never changes with narcissists is the way they are. They are simply incapable of change and "being reformed" regardless of what happens. Regardless of what you try to do to make things better between you. It's just going to be the way it is and you get to pick how involved or enmeshed in that poison you're going to be.

Dad died 29 years ago. My mother made my dad's death about her for as long as possible, as the poor grieving widow people would fawn all over and do things for. I wasn't allowed to grieve even though dad & I had been so close. Thick as thieves and I know she resented it. I couldn't talk about memories, or the past with dad if she was around. She didn't like it if anybody who came to visit talked to me at all. I started to feel very much like Cinderella.

Instead of having a normal grief period due any teenage kid, I had to take care of things, pay the bills and do chores if I wasn't at school or my job. His death only happened to her. My uncles didn't lose a brother and I didn't lose a father. There were no comforting gestures or reassuring words from her, that's for sure.
Looking for comfort from a narcissist is like asking a stone for water.

She hid away his belongings from me so I couldn't have them. She gave away his things to other people and never mentioned it to me. For a long time, all I had of my dad was a hat and two shirts. When I cleaned out mom's house, I found some things that I thought were gone. They went back to my house in my car, not on the moving truck!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are critical. You are doing the RIGHT THING by having boundaries. Expect some theatrics on her part though.
It doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing.

My gosh, I'm suddenly feeling so validated! I wish I had stumbled across this so many years ago, maybe I wouldn't have believed myself to be thoroughly crazy! Although I believe my mother is a narcissist to her core, she's never been evaluated for mental health purposes, nor will she ever. She'd just asoon die first! After all, I'm the one with a problem...in fact, ALL three of her daughters are mentally ill. Weird, right? I'd think it was strange too, had I not experienced the trauma going on in that house. Let's start with the fact that all three children were being sexually abused, from a VERY early age, by the father. I told my mother what was happening to me at the age of TWO. She asked him and he ADMITTED it, but said that he was only testing me to make sure I knew what to do if I was ever being ACTUALLY molested. Ok, granted my mother was only 20 years old, and she'd never experienced any kind of physical or sexual abuse in her life, so she MIGHT have maybe bought this crap...but really? You'd think her mothering instinct might kick in and she'd feel at least a little compelled to protect her infant? Nope. She stayed with him and never again brought it up, even had two more kids (both daughters...yay). He eventually started battering her, in front of us kids...and yet she stayed. I told myself it was because she was scared. I was CONSTANTLY making excuses for her behavior. It was only after it was discovered, by their circle of friends, that he was having an affair with our 15-year-old babysitter, and she could no longer "save face" that she filed for divorce. I was nearly 8 at that time. She started dating the guy that would eventually become my step dad when I was about 9. During one of our many sleepovers, at his house, the adults stayed up drinking (it was pretty common). They tended to get loud, and the room we were all crammed into was right off the kitchen, where they all usually sat to chain smoke. It was during one of these times that I overheard my mother retelling the story of how I had told her, when I was just TWO, that my father was molesting me. Mind you, at this time I believed it was a secret that I had never divulged to her. And here she was telling my secret to a bunch of drunks, like it was some kind of parlor joke! I was humiliated, ashamed, and most of all deeply betrayed. My mother KNEW what I was enduring, and did NOTHING. I had consciously, even at that young age, tried to do whatever I could to protect my sisters...yet our mother didn't care. I felt like the situation was totally hopeless, and I had nowhere to turn for help. I mean, if your own mother can't find it in her to protect you, then who's going to? All the classic signs of molestation were there. Bedwetting, depression, insomnia, I even had unexplainable internal injuries, and STDs...all treated by a doctor, and no one did anything. On top of dealing with this, my mother treated me as if she LOATHED me. She was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. She would constantly scream and threaten with physical harm, or often just carry it out. We weren't allowed our own opinions. If she said the sky was purple, then asked us what color is the sky? Our answer best be purple. And she took a sick pleasure in demonstrating this obedience. She paraded us around like little soldiers. She'd make comments such as "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it" or "If you think you want to call someone on me, you best also call an ambulance, because you'll be leaving in that". She'd also make sure we knew "If it wasn't for you kids, I'd have a good life!" Once I was left home to watch my sisters, while she went out drinking I always assumed, and I had the BRILLIANT idea that I was going to take the belt she always beat us with, and bury it in the backyard where she'd never be able to find it. She came home in a rage, and unable to find her belt, reached for the metal BBQ spatula. Trust me, I never touched her things again. When I became a teen, she became fond of smacking me in the face with my braces. I always came up bleeding. Never ONCE did I ever raise my hand to my mother. Clearly, I was the scapegoat. My middle sister is the Golden Child. And my youngest is the Lost Child. I could never do anything worthy of praise. My middle sister could never do anything wrong. And the youngest, no one even CARED what she was doing. As adults, I'm the doormat/people pleaser, the middle is the narcissistic drug abuser, and the youngest can't decide if she's gay or not, and just goes back and forth to whoever shows her the most sick expressions of "love and devotion"....and we're all doing our part to perpetuate the cycle, without even being aware that there was one. To our benefit, none of us are sexual abusers. Go us! But because of my mother's continuing abuse, we're unable to maintain any kind of functional relationship, anywhere. I literally stumbled across NPD by accident...I think I was looking for a meme to post on FB that came close to how I would verbalize my relationship, or lack there of, with my mother. I've told people that I literally cannot remember the last time my mother hugged me, and if she ever did, it would feel so akward and alien to me, that I wasn't sure what I would do. I tell them that YEARS ago, my mother and I were having a phone conversation, and it was coming to an end...I had something pressing to take care of, so had to go. She said "Ok, I love you." And I seriously stopped cold, and said "Are you ok? You're not dying of cancer, or anything, right?" Because it was seriously THAT weird to hear those words from her coming my direction. She said "No, why?" And what could I say? So I just "Ok, nevermind. Bye." And people hear these things and they either think I'm nuts, exaggerating, or they don't see the full significance. It's very frustrating, especially when you can't quite put your finger on it yourself. I've even explained this to MULTIPLE therapists, and not a SINGLE one of them ever mentioned NPD! I've often heard what a "vivid imagination" I have, or that nothing occurred as I recall it. And when asked why she can't ever just apologize to me, I get "You're an adult now. Get over it!" I've explained that I had to have corrective surgeries to repair internal trauma done by having my small body forced upon by an adult man. That's really not something you just move past. To this day, my mother and I have not had a SINGLE conversation about the abuse that I endured until I was 15. And she refuses to aknowledge any wrong doing. She WILL NEVER apologize. After smoking and heavy drinking for over 20 years, she had a heart attack a few years back. Since then, she's also developed diabetes, which she has made NO dietary changes in any attempt to control. And she blames us kids for all of her health concerns...stress, she says. Ok, but heavy drinking, chain smoking, and a terrible diet haven't contributed AT ALL. Just more guilt she piles on, in her attempt to control, manipulate, and terrorize. Thank you so much for my breakthrough! I can't thank you enough, truly. You've quite possibly saved my life.

Btw, I have cut off ALL contact with my dysfunctional family. We just aren't capable of being even REMOTELY friendly towards eachother, and me being the ONLY one to recognize this, decided it was the best and healthiest decision for me and my children. So, needless to say, the smear campaign has begun. I'm trying VERY hard not to pay any attention, but it's really difficult to not try to defend yourself when your own family is saying truly EVIL and hateful things about you. I want so badly to tell them all how SICK they are, but I know that ultimately only reinforces what they are saying. And you've got it, I'm the unstable one...yet, I'm the only one actively seeking therapy. Again...weird, right?

I've found myself mourning a relationship that I'll never get to experience. My NM hasn't yet died, but I suspect that her actual passing will bring more of a relief, than anything. I've already spent time grieving my loss. I'm just ready for her reign of terror to be finally over. I guess that might sound cold to someone who's never experienced this abuse firsthand, but that's my reality. There is honestly NOTHING about this toxic person, that I was unfortunate enough to be born to (just another huge cosmic joke that is my life), that I'm realistically going to miss. She's NEVER been capable, or willing, to provide me with what I've needed emotionally. She's more draining, than anything. What is there to miss?? I feel ever so slightly guilty admitting it, but I am now able to stop myself, and determine that SHE ALONE is responsible for her behavior. If she wanted to be liked, or spoken positively about, she would have behaved differently. She no longer has the power to manipulate me into silence, or making excuses for her. That in itself is HUGE! I've got sooo much work yet to do, but I'm definitely heading in the right direction finally. It saddens me to think about all the wasted, hurtful years it took me...but I think I'll be ok.

Danigirl1974, your situation sounds very much like mine. I have a NM and sister just like her. They enjoy tearing me down and gossiping about me to others. When I finally became strong and seriously cut them out of my life, they unleashed their wrath on me. I still have the evil emails they sent calling me names and blaming me for everything bad in their life. I went for 3 solid years without contact. It felt so good, even though I heard from others that they were saying terrible things about me. My NM mother stalked me online. She would go to a restaurant near where I worked to find co-workers of mine to say terrible things to them about me. It was embarrassing more than anything. Anyone who knew me, knew her tales weren't true. She would call my husband at the time and tell him I was cheating on him. He was a jealous guy, so this brought out the worst in him. He became more abusive over it and I had no idea what the NM had done until she accidently spilled it in one of her emails. The husband had cheated on me 3 times the month before our wedding. I cut him out too along with them. I refuse to be with anyone who only thinks the worst of me. I am a good and happy person. It was the most difficult time of my life, but I'm stronger because of it. I struggled, worked hard, and prayed. God did his thing and now I'm in the best relationship of my life. I have a real mother now! My MIL is the mother I never had. I'm still living with the aftermath of my life with the NM. I have trouble coping with certain things and I am too hard on myself many times. I guess the important thing is to move forward and don't allow the NM to take any more enjoyment from our life. I'm still working on that. She has crept back into life since my father is deteriorating. They have been divorced for many years, but she still controls him now. I'm looking forward to the day I can cut her out again...for good!

Narcissists don't change, and from what I've seen, they get worse, far worse, as they age. It would be like trying to move a mountain, to get a narcissist to change.

When I checked off all o the character traits of a NPD mother, my mother fit it 100 percent. No surprise. I wasn't able to identify my situation until about a year ago and it explains A LOT. I suddenly understood why my mother would hide my accomplishments from relatives and friends. As she has gotten older, the problem has gotten worse. She'll says things to me like "My jobs were better than yours" (not true) or "my life was better than yours" (quite laughable and also not true.) She
will tell me "I do everything better than you." (Also, very, very, not true). My mother is bitter because, despite her best efforts to sabotage my life, she was not able to do so. Of course, I am damaged by her lack of love. Of course, I have had to go for counseling. Of course, I have had to struggle. But, I am still standing proud and strong and that bugs the H----l out of her. My sister is also very similar in nature, so I basically have decided to minimize my contact with them. Ultimately, I might shut them both out completely. They are toxic and unhealthy and I only want healthy people in my life. My advice to you is to be kind to yourself, find a new family of friends, and join NPD forums to vent and recover--because only people who have had a NPD parent can truly understand what phony people they are and how they had a special venom for you (for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter). My mother did not treat my brothers with the same scorn or my sister (who is as NDP to her daughter as my mother was to me), in the same nasty manner, so they will never understand or look at her in the same way.
Run, don't walk, and don't think you can change her. It will never happen.

It took me until I was the age of 21 that I had anxiety my whole life. It was a month after I turned 22 that I concluded that my mother is a narcissist and that she is my major anxiety trigger. I'm still researching on how a narcissist is formed: genetics, childhood environment, or ?
She didn't have a healthy environment, her mother (which I'm starting to suspect that my grandmother is a narcissist) abused her verbally and physically, her father didn't want to see her or her siblings again when their mother took them away. She witnessed a murder at 25 that gave her PTSD.
I thought she behaved certain ways because she always backed it up with an, "I love you," or "I'm doing all this for you." I only noticed this when I began avoiding her and seperating her identity as a mother and looking at her as a person, a human being with a lot faults.
I dreaded running into her. Whenever she lectured me, (she says she doesn't yell, but she does) I would cry, due to my already raised anxiety.
She starts fights before every trip, holiday, and expects the "uninvolved" party to sympathize with her. But what really started my resentment was that she tries to use me to be the buffer between her and her live-in boyfriend after they fight. (I'm going to add that he doesn't like confrontation, and tries to have a calm discussion with her) I would become the messenger for her to repeat what she said to her boyfriend. I had to avoid her this last week, including Mother's Day because she was acting especially aggressive and entitled, so I could focus on studying for my finals.
I'm afraid that staying at home to attend college easier isn't going to work out any longer.

-Toothless

I did read that narcissists get worse as they get older and now that I look back on it when I was kid, she has gotten worse. She never apologizes for the fights she starts, or if she's hurt our feelings, and now I see that's what narcissists have a hard time doing. Something clicked when I had the irrational fear that I had some form of breast cancer because I found several skin abnormalities on my breasts and I told my stepdad first (live-in boyfriend, he's earned that title, especially after this happened) and he comforted me and reassured me with promises of going to see doctors soon. When he told my mom, she came up to me and dismissed it as just rashes because there was no history of breast cancer in the family. She threw anti-itch cream at me and didn't do what I thought a mother would do, was to comfort and reassure with hugs. I legitimately thought I was going to die and I felt that my emotions were completely dismissed. Before when she would ask why I avoided her and was irritable when I was around her, I didn't know what to say. "I can't stand being around you because everything you do and say is hypcritical?" Now, I wonder what I should say if she asks. Am I going to be manipulated again with her guilt and pulling out the victim card? I've taught myself to just stare blankly at her and take long, deep breaths when she starts yelling ("talking" or "lecturing") because I'm done crying in front of her and I'm done getting anxiety attacks because of her yelling.

Toothless... Sounds like our mother's (same traits)...
It's a positive sign to us all that we finally recognize this narcissistic behavior, especially in our mother's. For me, I denied it for a long time (sometimes, I still do as I want to 'think' she's my sweet mom). But, if you don't, it's a vicious circle and we just hurt ourselves and destroy our lives. I know I have to distant myself more and more (mentally and physically). I often wondered how my youngest brother ever studied at home after I left and he said "I just closed the door to my bedroom" (so he could study). Narcissism is a deadly disease as far as I'm concerned... More so, for those around these kinds of people. Too bad it takes us so long to learn this and accept it. I wish you all the best in school and life.

Ive been reading old posts about Narcissistic parents and it is so helpful reading this forum. One discribed what I had summed up my life with my mother and sister perfectly. Although I see Im not alone it is still painful as I am still living this horror. I am almost crazy because I have been used up by both and now my mother really needs me whilst my sister is in denial and is so into herself she does even see my mother wasting away mentally and physically. They both blame me for every wrong in life and if I utter or repeat what they have done to me I am a lie. In fact my whole life of catering to their needs and covering them both my mother from a child and my sister when she deserted a 2 boys for a man. I want to let this all go because I am bitter and everytime another wrong is done by word or action it just triggers a whole bunch of bad mememories of betryal and pain. I pray and it keeps me sane but untill I am able to get professional help is there anyone else with pearls of wisdom on this subject.

DDDuck - I can't believe it's only been 4 days since I answered this, it's felt like a week. It's been almost 2 weeks since I started suspecting who she really is and I've gone through the broken and depressed stage of finding out that all I've experienced from her was a manipulation, that I was just a projection for her shortcomings and insecurities. I realized I never had that emotional nurturing because I was taking care of hers. That's when I got to the angry stage, and I still am angry. I wrote everything I was feeling down in my notebook, everything about what she's done, how I felt such hatred for being manipulated the time I've been on this planet, not having a sense of self. I wrote how I scared I am of her and how everything that I am able to recall about her behaviour makes sense now. And I ended the 4 page venting with, "I deserve better. I deserve better than her need for the validation of her fragile ego." I do deserve better. You deserve better.
If you have a safe place to escape and someone trustworthy to confide in, that's your first step. I don't have one, never did and a college friend of mine told me that whenever I need to get out of the house, we'll hang out.
I definitely need counseling because she's manipulated me into being codependent on her and her emotional abuse.
Find a safe place. My NM used narcissism as defensive tactic when dealing with her narcissistic mother. NParents are very toxic. You have every right to be angry and you don't have to feel guilty about this.
I've gotten to the point where her dying, disappearing, or leaving would make me extremely happy. I don't feel guilty about it.

It's not only the most hurtful thing to be 'dismissed' by a mother like you're not as 'valuable', but to have them try and have you cater to there whims while your own life slips away is unaceptable. It kills me when Mother's Day rolls around and every mother is celebrated and treated with royalty and respect when many of them don't deserve it. Where is the justice? How could one not be permanently damaged by this in life?

Heart2Heart - I know. The worst thing about this is that even if you point it out to the narcissist, their abuse and behaviour, they won't accept it. My mother said she's been through enough counseling and that my stepdad needs it more. She won't go to counseling because then it's my fault I'm feeling this way, and how could I say that about her? "I did nothing wrong, you've hurt my feelings and now I'm going to make you feel bad by repeating the story of my sh^&* childhood so I'll win."
You can't make a compromise with a narcissist. You can't be right because then they're wrong. They have a very black and white view on the world and it unfortunately always comes back to them and their needs.
I hate the full use of my first name because she always yelled it but my nickname was always used when she was in a good mood.
4 days of being through emotional hell and I envy my friends who seem to have things figured out and have semi stable parents to support them. Just gotta make that first step.

Yes... Tooth... It's a no-win situation... The sooner we accept it the better off we'll be... Just remember, you're not alone here... (Big Hug). Try to do something fun for yourself at least once a week!

Hello to all my followers,
I'm amazed how this blog has taken off. So many of you have recognized that your dealing with a mental vampire and hopefully understand by reading my blog, "that its not your fault" you have a parent who simply is mentally unstable.
Currently, Im dealing with "mommy dearest" back in Chicago. If you read my blog from the beginning Jan. 8th, 2012 I have been dealing with her and her antics.
Its full blown war. She (89 years old) recently had 3 car accidents, 2 in one month, yes, she still is driving, I say she is a menace to society. The last accident both cars totaled. Her fault, not yielding the right of way, yet she tells everyone it was the other persons fault. Anyway, she wants to buy another car, I refuse to take her and last week she called one of our cousins trying to manipulate him to take her and help her buy a car. He refused. Thank god. But she was super mad at him, if you could see the steam coming out of her ears, you should know she was ready tho pop her cork. She tried to badmouth me to him, but he didn't buy it. Each time she tried to say something nasty about me, he countered and she was not liking it, in fact she kept saying to him, " you don't understand" and he said : "yes I do" and recommended counseling. I think if she could have slapped him, she would have. Well, needless to say, the visit was cut short and my cousin and I walked out together, spending time in the hall talking. Mind you this is a cousin, she admired and respected, but always talked behind his back, like she always does about everyone. When I returned after an hour, I didn't say a word. In fact I still haven't rubbed anything in her face. I figured let her think about it. I think she got a wake up call but rest assure you she will twist it. I'm waiting.
There was another incident 2 days later with her doctor. He gave her the riot because she smokes and takes many medications, including sleeping pills. Often I find her sleeping on the toilet or in her wheel chair, with a cigarette in her hand, burning her night gown and carpet. She smokes in her bedroom.
I spoke with the doctor privately before he saw her, so he knew what was going on. Again, if you could see the steam coming out of her ears, she blow a kettle. Lol
These 2 incidents have set her off tremendously. She has become more problematic and I'm again At my wits end. I called my local Hospital for assistance with my elderly mother. I'm now going tho take her on by getting an in house counseling, pretending it's for me. It will 2 weeks to make all this happen, with the insurance approval and all, but I need to do something, she is out of control. She even thru my food out of refrigerator on the kitchen floor, because she didn't like that I called her out on something. I no longer buy her bs, nor will I be manipulated and she can't stand it when she is wrong. I have to put my big girl pants on and handle this wicked old woman.
So my fellow followers, this is the latest and please keep reading and sharing......your not alone.
Big Hug to all,
Midwest, your blogger.

... And then, there's the sarcasm...Do any of you get the sarcasm (from your mother... Or who you are caring for). My (other) problem is that I now don't like the person this has made of me... Sometimes, I think I going mad... like tonight,,, the no-win situations... certainly not good for mental or physical health.

My mother has been mad at me all afternoon. She started out mad, telling me she could do it herself when I asked her if she needed help getting her rollator down the steps to go outside. She came back in a bit later and wanted me to move the front yard swing to the other side of the yard. The yard men and I had just moved it a couple of days ago because she was not happy where it was. This was after I moved it for her last month because she was not happy where it was. She got really mad that I wouldn't move it again and it was terrible. She ended up going outside and got someone to move it for her. Okay. It was embarrassing, but okay. I went ahead and cooked dinner. So dinner was ready, but a neighbor came to visit. They sat out on the swing for a while. That was fine. I left her a plate so she could reheat it when she came in. All this is not so easy, because she is diabetic and needs to keep her insulin and meals on schedule. Occasionally you have to change things, though. It was good for her to have a visitor.

She has continued to be angry tonight. I turned the thermostat up so she wouldn't get too cold. She came in and told me not to touch it again. Very angry. Then she came back into my room and ask me what had gotten into me this afternoon. I just answered honestly -- that sometimes I say No and it needs to be heard. She told me that she was tired of it.

I really do think that she needs an employee instead of a daughter. On days like this I feel like I'm being beat up and have no defenses. I can't yell back at her. She doesn't understand that everything is not my fault or that I have the right to say No to unreasonable requests. And I have the right not to have someone trying to bully me, slamming my doors, yelling at me, and talking to the neighbor about me. Sometimes I wish I had a video recording. I would call it "See, it's not me."

Just venting here. It seemed like a good place to talk about my day.

This is what I'm talking about Jessie... It's so hard on you. My mother should be using a walker as her doctor instructed. It's been at least 3 years since she's gotten it and she uses it to pile up her books and stuff on in her bedroom. I told her I wouldn't take her out unless she uses here 4-prong cane (she refuses to use the Walker and hangs on to me)... and, she wants to throw it at me (with dirty looks darting at me). Tonight she said sarcastically, that I was 'texting' while not paying attention to her... I said I was paying bills so she could have all the comfort she was accustom to... She thinks I'm 'playing' on my pc like 'all the rest' in this 'new' generation of 'gadgets'... I get tired of answering to her... It's exhausting... Isn't it?!