Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

JessieBelle, It's unbelievable isn't it? The reaction of someone who you think cares deeply for you (her children)...and it comes out as so uncaring and selfish. I hope your brother recovered from his heart issues - whatever they may be - I had a bout of v-tach one day in the grocery store and thought I was going to pass out. This had happened to me several times and finally I saw a Cardiologist who said I needed treatment - for this serious condition - either medication or an ablation - potentially life threatening clot....wow...I had no idea. Anytime I'd get the least bit stressed (mom was often in the picture) this weird thing would start with my heart - fast forward; had the ablation and cardiac cath - I'm fine now - but my mother refuses to believe that I have heart issues too - and need to take care of myself.

And yes, to answer your question; I had Stage 1 renal cell carcinoma - which was removed along with my kidney surgically. It took a while to recover - and most especially get into my head that my health was up to ME! That was 12 years ago and I realized after that scare that I was going to have to lose a lot of weight ( about 75 pounds) and exercise in order to avoid future health problems. Something my mother never accepted responsibility for

After reading the posts on this 'daughters....' category it brings back many unpleasant and unexplained memories...thank goodness there's finally an explanation for her irrational behavior all these years. She's always played the blame game - for her entire life - when she was 16 she quit school to marry my father - his fault; she got pregnant x 2 - his fault; raised two children alone - his fault; could have been a successful model because she was beautiful when she was young - but was denied that opportunity by her brothers/mother. As life went on her health was always terrible; she'd lay in bed complaining about her tiredness, gained a lot of weight, and finally found out that she had an under-active thyroid; was treated with medication - but it was their fault (the doctors, for not finding this issue sooner). My sister has mental retardation and schizophrenia - that's my father's side of the families fault - as they had mental issues - on that side (she forgets all about the dysfunction on her side) One of her brothers molested me as a child; she blames him...what a mess we had as a family; husband #2 came along and moved her and us kids away to another state - best thing that ever happened as far as I was concerned - to get away from that sick family. She grieved after her mother for years - finally my grandmother passed away from a heart attack and my mother was inconsolable - grieving for years! She always ran to her mother and about wore the old lady out with her constant complaining and unresolvable issues. She could never make a decision on her own - going back and forth many times with her mom to try to 'figure it out'.

After that she blamed my step-father for everything that was wrong in her life - her weight was over 300 pounds - and she blamed that on 'taking care of two crazy people' - she needed to have a knee replacement, and other surgical interventions but was 'too busy taking care of them to take care of herself'. Now she needs surgery but the doctors won't take her - as she's too high of a risk - 87 with congestive heart failure - not good outcome for someone in her condition to have elective surgery (knee replacement and a bladder suspension.

All her life...it's always been blaming others - never accepting responsibility for herself. I made a mistake moving her to my home state - at great expense, time, effort I figured that I needed to move her near by so I could help look after her. As usual everything goes fine for a short while - and then it starts - the blame, the attitude, the neediness - there's never enough time for her needs. Not enough phone calls, not enough visits; and it's a constant barrage - I need to go to the dentist for my tooth - I need to go to the salon, I need to go to the stores (although she can't walk and can only go in stores with electric carts to ride around on)...she wants to go and do - but when I take her she constantly talks about other people; about me and my husband; about everyone and everything - and always in a negative tone - this one is crazy, that one is a liar; what is your husband doing today? Are you sure? Where is he? What's he up to? He may be running around on you...OMG...Life is sure a sh*tter...so I need to jump into the pity-party pool and become as miserable as she is...

Talk about someone who drags you down...usually in my life I've opted to avoid people who are negative and want everyone around them to be negative too. I'd rather be with people who are happy and well behaved...opting instead to have a positive outlook and feel that although we may have hit a rough patch in life, things will get better - we can make them better!

Right now my mother and I aren't speaking -she became enraged at me on Wednesday at the grocery store - acting out - and screamed at me all the way home...told me not to come back...so ok, I won't. Suits me...until the next time. My life for the past two days has been peaceful and quiet (although I've been thinking about her, worried about her) I'm not going to call her...hopefully she can get some help.

I did reach out to her doctor and when he gets back to me I will pass along her latest display and my concerns and hand it over to him to find a solution for her. Since I'm unable to do so (after many attempts to get help for her).

Sue, I am glad you can get away from her. I live with my mother, so I have to escape to my room. My mother isn't openly narcissistic. It is all covert. She seems like such a sweet, passive woman to anyone who isn't around her much.

My mother was the same way about not taking responsibility. The poor family relations was my father's fault (half true). My brother's cruelty was something she said she never saw even when it happened daily in front of her. Her loveless marriage was the best marriage ever. Her dysfunctional family of origin was perfect. All of her illnesses are genetic. She never got over 200 lbs -- she weighed 250 when she was diagnosed with diabetes. She has a "not my fault" explanation for everything, because it would bother her too much not to have bluebirds and butterflies fluttering around her. As for her daughter, she is loaded with so many faults. And I am, but she ought to be glad I'm a good person.

How I handle it is actually kind of sad. I don't really see her as my mother, but just a person I'm taking care of. I guess it is because she has never really been a mother except for putting dinner on the table each night. I still find myself getting angry at the circumstance and angry at my "family." I'm also angry at the crazy guy next door that killed the big burning bush in our yard by "trimming it." I do okay during the day, but that anger hits me when I lie down to go to sleep.

Sometimes people on here say things like we owe our parents for changing our diapers, etc., or that we should be good because we're going to miss them when they're gone. It makes me realize that one size doesn't fit all when it comes to how we should feel.

In her older years, my mother got attention from her (perceived) physical problems. I told her I'd rather give her positive attention than negative attention (from her "sicknesses"). It didn't matter, ANY attention is better than none to a narcissist.

In her younger years, she was always the princess and wanted the attention of men. Also wanted the best of everything. She couldn't stand other women because they were competition. She didn't much care for me either, (daughter takes away attention from mother). I never got any praise growing up, just negative comments about my weight, hair, grades, friends, etc. I felt I was in the way and a burden. We didn't share any special times and mainly spoke to each other when necessary. I learned not to like her. I tried to ignore her as an adult.

Now she needs me (stage 6 Alzheimers). I had to put her into a memory care facility. She sure as heck wasn't coming to live with my husband and me! I have to keep working anyway. She has everything she needs and would want. I visit once a week. I've completed (what I perceive) is my responsibility.

Narcissistic mothers deserve exactly what they dolled out. What I don't get is, how did all of these daughters (us) of narcissistic (and just plain mean) mothers turn out to be sweet, responsible caregivers?

There's nothing saying that your mother has to love you. But common courtesy dictates that she should treat you with a minimum of respect. If your mother did you wrong, all you owe her is to see that she has a roof over her head, food to eat and a minimum of health care. You don't need to buy into the guilt, put up with the bad-mouthing or physically work yourself to death for someone who didn't really give a **** about you.

Read books on setting boundaries. You need to stop the disrespect you are ALLOWING her to dish your way. You don't know it but YOU are in control of her behavior towards you. By refusing to accept it, you are the captain of the relationship. You'll like how it feels.

You wouldn't put up with ANYONE ELSE treating you like this, why do you put up with it from your own mother? Demand a minimum of respect or turn and walk away (even if you live there, go to your room). She keeps dishing it out because you keep taking it. You no longer are a child. Even though you will always be her child, you are an adult and have a RIGHT to be treated with respect.

Amen

So glad you guys are here and understand my situation. It's not comfortable turning my back on my mother - but I can't take being around a negative person who tears me down constantly. I hope her doctor contacts me soon so that he can be aware of the situation. She's all sweet and humorous when he comes around...

I see this is an old thread, but I'm finding so much peace in reading responses.

I'm dealing with my 82 year old MIL, who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and is on dialysis.

I have two SIL's and they are both incredibly messed up from their mother.

The older of the two sisters in law, "Brig" is 60 years old, and lives with and off of my MIL and FIL. She was groomed to come back home because my MIL hates my father in law. She needed someone to be in the home with her that she could get to side with her. This sister in law is like a zombie or cult member. All she does is walk around in a satin mumu, sit on Facebook, and goes to the fridge to get yet another snack. She has been trying to get disability for years because she says she is depressed and can't cope with people, can't work, and has anxiety driving a car. My MIL told her as long as she stays with them, they'll pay all her bills and she doesn't have to lift a finger. Yet, there is a huge price. She is controlled by mommy dearest.

My other sister in law, "Pat", age 55, has a very different personality from the elder one. She is the "pretty" and "smart" one on the surface, but just as messed up. She handled things in life differently though, by running away from home at 15. She has had six failed marriages and purposely lives out of state, only returning once or twice a year for a weekend visit. She works a full time job and was the only one to have children.

I believe they know full well they are messed up from their mother. Yet, these two are angry with my husband and I for talking about my MIL having dementia and needing help. They are in denial how bad off she is, especially it being compounded by renal failure and dialysis three times a week. They think it is mean to get her medical help. Total avoidance, almost as if they have Stokholm Syndrome, and are trying to protect their captor.

"Brig" has no plans to move out the mothers house, and has no way to support herself. In the unlikely event she is able to convince a judge she is disabled, the social security payments still won't be enough for her to live independently. 

My 82 year old FIL is still in the home as well. He too has what seems to be undiagnosed dementia. He hasn't been to a dr. in 30 years by choice, so there are no medical records or physicians. I suspect he will further go down hill if MIL passes. He doesn't cook, bathe, change clothes, eats jar after jar of peanut butter, drinks Dr. Pepper, sits up all night online and sleeps all day, much like the zombie daughter. 

My husband is full of anger and resentment towards his mother. She overfed him as a child, trying to keep him from ever leaving home or getting married. Once we got married, she has and is doing everything she can to destroy our marriage and get him to come home to her. He too gets the same offers as his sister, to just move back home and all his bills will be paid for. Everyone will be fine as long as she is in control of people's lives, finances, etc etc.....it never ends. 

My mother is borderline narcissistic. Yesterday I showed up to take her to her dentist appt. and was told I was wrong. The appt. is for today. "See, YOU forget things, too!" she sniped at me. I insisted she'd told me Tuesday was the appt. (which she had). She finally had to back down. (And I've learned my lesson; I'm getting an appt. card, too, next time.) But then she had to snipe, "It's not as if you're not well-compensated!" She continues to think that giving me her 15-year-old car in exchange for my being her taxi service is somehow unfair. Say what?! She's probably still annoyed that I limit her shopping trips to 1x/week.

I told her I'd more since "earned" that car, and she got nasty again, remembering that I'd told her what an outside caregiver would have charged for the time she became helpless for 8 days when she strained her neck and back somehow and she required someone with her all the time. She then sniped that she wasn't going to tell my brothers the way I'd "demanded" money for that time (I did no such thing; but I did tell her what it would have cost for an outsider to come in). I was trying to get her to appreciate me. I know that's a useless endeavor. I really don't like spending time with her. She needs help at home (she lives by herself in a condo), but refuses to consider it. 

I've been told my time is worthless, that I don't do much for her at all, etc. And today is the dentist appointment, and then a trip to Kroger. I expect all of this will take 3-4 hours...

My MIL is in end stage stage renal failure as well and is on dialysis 3x/week. She also has dementia which she denies. Just another toxic mix on top of the NPD.

Before we even knew her kidneys were completely failing and her behavior was getting worse, she called a bizarre family meeting. She wanted to tell us she had no pre-arranged funeral plans but that we were to pay for her to be buried at a particular expensive cemetery.

I suggested our local VA cemetery as my FIL is retired military and they meet the guidelines for less expensive burial etc. She said NO! You are going to bury me where I want to be buried.

Finally, one thing she can't control, though a family friend said she's so stubborn, she'll probably try to get out of her own casket at the funeral.

The family seems to be freaked out by funerals and they were never the type to attend them. The adult children all act like they aren't going to be able to cope when she passes, though I've read the children of Narcissistic mothers often just feel relieved.

I have been talking to my husband about possibly donating her body to science and encouraging him about it being a noble cause. There is no cost to the family where we live, a joint service with other families is held at a later time, and the burial takes place in the university hospital cemetery, all at no cost. I'm thinking maybe it will make the adult children feel more like she's just away for awhile, and give them time to process everything without having to deal with immediate services etc. 

I'd like to hear what those of you plan on doing funeral wise, that feel like it will be easier on you at that time. 

Do any of you feel that because of your mother's NPD, it makes you feel extra panicky about them passing, like you may lose control etc?

IASGC123456,
Since narcissistic mothers are also "controlling" mothers, their children (even as adults) are used to being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc.
I could see how an adult child might feel panicky when mother dies because they've been told what to do since birth and have never functioned without mothers' input. Mom can even haunt them from the grave by the guilt they have instilled in their children over their lifetime.

I am not in this category. I resented and resisted her advances to control my life.

Right now my mother is 94 and a half years old and in Stage 6 Alzheimers. She's "lost" her narcissism and is just a shell of the woman she was. I have been waiting all my life for her to act differently but she now has no mind to be "normal."
I feel sad for her situation and am hoping that she will be spared stage 7, where she will basically be a vegetable. I pray that the Good Lord takes her soon. She has (perceived) "headaches", (probably caused by noises/voices in her head caused by Alz damage) that aren't helped by any medication or treatment. She just wants to die.

I hope I don't live so long.
Like the saying goes, " I want to skid into Heaven with a box of chocolates in one hand and a glass of Cabernet in the other saying, "Woo Hoo, what a ride!"

You are aware that you do not have one good memory of your mother. All positive memories occurred while in the company of your friends or alone. Never having been hugged or told that you were loved when you spent your childhood cleaning the house and being a friendly positive person meant nothing, there was always a manufactured reason to criticize your looks, weight or personality which makes you feel worthless. I grew up with very low self esteem that I carried into my twenties and thirties. I remember telling a boyfriend that I wished men would not turn around and look at me as I walked by, that I felt I was being watched because I was unattractive, Ron told me that I was unusually good looking, actually beautiful, I began to look in the mirror and not see imagined defects. The insecure woman has to prove her worth to herself and keep proving it or she feels unnecessary.

You are depressed. You never stop thinking about certain things that your mother has done to you. You have no feelings. Your numb. You cry a lot. You want to talk about it but have worn that out, too. Your world is really small. Your a people pleaser which doesn't work. You apologize for everything. And, you know it will only end when you die which cannot come soon enough.

Mynameisbryce, that is so sad. I'm so sorry to read your comment and know these are things you must be feeling. Stick around here and share some more about your specific situation, if you want to, and others can offer support and understanding. Many of us come from all kinds of dysfunctional families and backgrounds, and others here know what you're going through.

You don't remember most of your personal life. A few detail are all you have because you spend each day just trying to survive. Your hair, your eyebrows, your teeth, your elbows, your clothes and every word that comes out of your mouth is an issue. You grow up obsessing over your hair, you own enough clothes to fill a dresser and don't speak too much because your unsure of your words. You look in the mirror and see a cow.

You search for love. It become an obsession. You think you know what love is only to find out you don't - thus paying a horrible price that will follow you throughout your entire life. You never hear your mother say " I love you". As you age, you realize it doesn't matter.

You don't have friends. Your lack of self-esteem, people skills and ability to be a person does not allow for that. You have no identity so you have nothing to work with. What you do have becomes a target, so you live in secret from others.

Your relatives do not like you. They treat you like crap, saying hurtful things when no one is around. You are left standing there wondering what you did to deserve it. Visits are very lonely as you find a place to hide so you have a moment of peace.

As an adult, someone who has just recently learned how to categorize the abuse, I can tell anyone who reads this you don't forgive. When the beast rears her ugly head, you re-live everything. It consumes you, taking days to get back to your normal.

You hate your mother and think about how you will feel when she is gone. You realize you have no feelings.

Dear Bryce,
Obviously your mother has done dispicable things to you for you to be where you are right now. I would hope that you have gone to see a counselor who can help put things in perspective. I did, although I haven't suffered to your extent.

Draw deep from within yourself and find the kid that was hurt. Who is that person? Draw that person out and let them unlock the chains that they were bound with. Your mother has no hold on you now. It is your mind holding you back. You're free to be as you would be without all the trauma. Make a list of positive things about you. Post it in a common place and look at it daily.

Death is not a relief, instead embrace the person you were meant to be and explore how YOU will control your life. It's yours and no one can take it away from you.

You do not belong to her as in property and what she thinks or says or does is of no consequence to you anymore. Don't let her win, fight to regain who YOU are.
God's blessings to you.

It's a cyclical thing, but I have broken the cycle! I realized my Mom was not normal when I was five. She ranted at me for the better part of an hour because I didn't tuck in the corners of the sheets while making my bed. As I stood there, I realized she was not normal, and that she wasn't like other parents!  I distanced myself from her, and basically raised myself. I have a healthy relationship with my husband, and after my Mother's death, I had to deal with HIS narcicistic Mom! She, too, recently passed away at 94, and my life is now vastly improving.  Even though I didn't marry a narcicist, the relatives have been woven in and out of my life from time to time! 

I'm reading a book called 'Mean Mothers'. You may want to get it... (I loaned mine from the library)

My mother's extreme narcissism has given me a thick skin. I don't know if that is a positive or negative. I find when I am out any little slights tend to just roll off because I know what's waiting forms at home. On the bad side, I am so used to tending to her needs 100%, so I find myself ignoring my own Dr. Appointments, etc.

I have dealt with this with my mom, not my dad. She constantly asks things of me and always has depended on me and if I cannot do something or refuse, I live with tremendous guilt. I have a very low self esteem, depression and don’t like my husband even showing me affection. It’s awful.

I had to cut the ties... My husband and children were relieved that I finally faced it. I had to stop and really analyze the dysfunctional behavior. I can now admit that my mother treated me with no respect or empathy whatsoever. I haven’t read “Mean Mothers” but will soon. The book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D., helped me identify the issues. Good luck to anyone dealing with this issue.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can't trust their own feelings, to the point they can't identify anger or mistake that feeling for something else. They have serious trust issues, especially with other women. They are people pleasers. They don't know how to think for themselves. They have poor self-esteem. They are depressed. The world, to them, is a dangerous place.

These daughters had either one of 2 kinds of mothers: the smothering kind or the totally neglectful kind. Those with the first can't dissolve their enmeshment, sometimes even when their mother is long dead. Those with the second kind feel worthless. Some of these daughters have mothers who swing back and forth between smothering and neglect, creating chaos and confusion in the daughters' minds. They have no idea what to expect or when. What "motherly guidance" they do get is a pack of lies.

Amber A, you hit on so many points. Don- know my feelings,but always aware of here. I don't trust potential friends,thinking they will erupt at any time because that's all I have ever known. My particular mother is both neglectful,smothering: you stay in a double bind between am I doing enough to how do I find distance? I am solucky to have a great therapist who fills in for: best friend,consistent parent. You stated the truth and I wish you could find some peacful place, caring person,just something to tell you that you are a terrific human being. My heart is with you, tho I know itsd not enough.

keepingup,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Glad you have a good therapist! Doing the work that comes with therapy is hard, but so worth it!

I just realized way too late that my mother was a narcissist. I Googled narcissistic personality disorder and found an article that explained the 15 traits of a narcissist. My mother exhibited at least 12 of the 15. All my life I just thought I had a difficult mother. She could never keep a friend for very long unless they were willing to put up with her personality and the fighting that came along with it. It seems to me that the NPD transitioned into dementia somewhere in her eighties. She had a massive stroke at 88. Now she is 92 and I am her 24/7 caregiver. Now that she is in the late stage of dementia the NPD is less all the time, but now I understand her life better. Of course, my life is a mess because of it, but at least I understand it better now.

Sometimes it takes a lifetime doesn't it John...? You sound very compassionate and your mother is extremely fortunate to have a son like you! I hope (like e and a lot of us on AC that you can squeeze in some 'happy' time for you!)
Blessings

I still am dealing with my narcissistic mother. But I also have a narcissistic sister. They're like twin sisters. Sickening. I recently got fired from my pca job from her. Her abuse & manipulation is non stop. The things that come out of her mouth ( which my sister tells her that are not true). She yells at me & blames me for stuff I never would do. Thru my childhood she was in & out of a,mental institution. I had to grow up at an early age & take care of my siblings. I never have gotten a thank you ..Nothing but hate & abuse. I'm relieved she fired me. Cause when i move out ( I currently live with her & my dad as they both are in need of assistance). I am going to fire her as a mother. I was in a car accident 14 yrs ago & I my 4 yr old daughter was killed by a road rage driver who was NVR charged. I think I have endured way too much. It's time for me. And that's it. Oh & btw my narcissistic mom and sister turn my children against me...smh...

I forgot to mention I currently have a good job as a cna.. and I do have many supportive friends that tell me I don't deserve to b treated like this!

Haley,
RUN...and never look back!
🏃🏻🏃🏻🏃🏻

I got fired from her as her pca worker. My replacements are my narcissistic sister and nephew...surprise surprise! She thinks I'm going to give her half of my last check. She's fkn nutts.. why would I? It's my money ..i worked for it. Insane ....This woman should seriously be in an institution. She was all my childhood. I'm relieved I'm done...

I also see a psychologist on August 6th. And a counselor also the same day.. carrying this around is to much...i still carry & NVR got to grieve over my daughter who was 4 yrs old & died in a car accident we both were in... it's a wonder I'm still here....😔

haley,

I'm so sorry you lost your precious daughter. Unimaginable. (((Hugs)))

I wish modern psychiatry could find an effective treatment for the histrionic personality disorders or better yet preventing them, like a vaccine (just kidding). As so many have expressed, the effects are far reaching, generation after generation. The disorder is so ingrained in my 92-year-old mom that it still predominates, even in mid-dementia. I had once hoped the narcissism would diminish as her dementia progressed, but so far this hasn't been the case.

At a very young age I made a poor first marriage to an abusive man with borderline personality disorder, and paid dearly for it. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. A narcissistic mom and a borderline husband. Imagine the possibilities. We live and we learn.

Mom's personality disorder has caused (directly or indirectly) so much dysfunction in our family: enabling behavior, crippling anxiety and depression, substance abuse. It's an evil, corrosive legacy.

Key words for recovery are establishing Boundaries with a capital B! Limited or No Contact if necessary. Be safe. Be strong. Be well.