My mom has dementia and is picking up her food with her hands. The other day she put her fingers in her tea to clean them off and then drank her tea. So disgusting. Do I say something about this or let it go. We were eating out.
Ignoring it is what family can do at home. Other people paying for their meal in a restaurant should not have to ignore it or be put off their food by someone slopping theirs all over the place or washing up with the beverages. Or worse still being incontinent while eating in a restaurant. My husband and I were eating lunch out a a family-style restaurant. Nice place and good food. A group came and they had an elderly woman in a wheelchair with them. She clearly had some kind of advanced dementia. The woman stank so badly that I wanted to just leave, but we'd already ordered and figured we could move to a different table and would wait. She slopped the food all over the place while smacking her mouth open chewing and grunting throughout the meal. Then it was the piece de resistance when our food arrived. She farted up a storm and crapped herself at the table. Her family was not affected by this at all. They continued eating. My husband told the owner of the restaurant that we were leaving would not be paying for our meals. I told him that he cannot allow this in his restaurant or he will go out of business. Some people like the woman's family can just ignore it and finish eating. Others in a restaurant shouldn't be expected to.
At some time in dementia, it’s best to accept that our LO’s behavior is no longer appropriate in public. That might be eating, emotions, difficult elimination issues, or whatever. We have to accept them as they are and let go of the idea that they deserve what we want them to have, which is life the way it was. As soon as we figure out they’ll never be the same, it becomes easier for us.
Now would be a good time to switch her to finger foods and if she's going to have something that can't be eaten with her hand like soup, someone will have to feed her. Start putting her drinks in a sippie cup so she can't spill them all over the place or wash up in them. Other than that, let her feed herself any way she can. Don't start feeding her every meal because she'll forget how to feed herself even with her hands. There will be a mess but messes can be cleaned up. Keep her eating on her own because that's a form of independence. From what you've written, your mother is at a point in her dementia where she should not be taken out to eat anymore. If you think her washing up in the tea is disgusting, the other people dining in the restaurant think that too. They should not be put off their food having to see that. You should not have to deal with the mess and embarassment. I had a care client that I used to take to lunch two or three times a week. We always went to the same Italian restaurant. The owner was a friend of my father who used to frequent the place with a group of old Italian guys. The restaurant staff was very accommodating to us, until one day the owner respectfully asked if I'd stop bringing her in. I did. She was at the point where she couldn't eat in public anymore. We started getting take-out. I told her the restaurant closed.
At some point using utensils becomes difficult, confusing, impossible. Switch to finger foods. Use sippy cups with lids and straws or other lidded cups, mugs for drinks. For things like soup, you may have to feed her. Same with ice cream, pudding. When eating out you order for mom and order things that she can eat with her hands. Sandwiches, fries, chicken strips. There are plenty of things on a menu that can be eaten with the fingers. Just bring wipes, hand sanitizer and ask for extra napkins.
My mom became unable to use the utensils, no coordination for it, and probably did not know what they were for. I remember visiting her in the care home and she was eating canned peaches with her hands. Sometimes you just need to pick your battles. If she embarrasses you, don't take her out to eat anymore.
Hot tea? Like is she burning herself and not knowing? Id be concerned if that was the case. Otherwise… meh, there are still cultures today with millions of people that eat with their hands and do just fine so I wouldn’t worry about it.
Eating with her hands is fine at home or in a care facility. People in a restaurant are paying customers too and should not be put off their meals because some elder is slopping their food all over the place.
So - let me play Devil´s advocate for a second. Is it easier for her to eat with her hands? Has she potentially lost some ability to utilize utensils easily or the dexterity to manipulate them and trying to use them is causing her stress at meal time?
I completely sympathize about meal time and disgusting eating habits. We rarely take my FIL out for meals for a number of reasons, one of which is eating habits because we either have to tip wildly extra or convince wait staff to allow US to clean up after we eat. My grandmother refuses to eat with him any longer.
BUT we also know that there is *some* underlying cause (not enough to warrant everything, some of that is just bad manners, being protective of his food as if he will never eat again, and eating too fast).
Certainly there are some foods that are acceptable to eat with your hands, even in public. But for the ones that are not, there are a couple of things that you may be able to do, at least in public.
With the tea, for FIL with ANY liquid - though it upsets him ( he says he feels like a child) we insist on to go cups or cups with LIDS every single time, and the lid must stay on the entire time. PERIOD. After he knocked a cup of hot coffee over on my DH, that was the last time he got a cup of anything without a lid.
For food- if it is not completely ridiculous to eat it with her hands, leave it alone. If it requires utensils, try putting the correct one in her hands. Does she have tremors or any kind of shaking or unsteadiness of her hands? Or is the food dropping off of her utensils when she eats? Look for weighted utensils. Amazon sells them. The weight helps keep their hand steady and hold the food on better, so that it doesn´t go flying. They have different weights. My FIL is a big man so his weigh a little more. If she is knocking plates over, they even have adult size bowls and plates that will adhere to the table (that do not look like toddler plates/bowls) so that they stay still while they are trying to get their food.
Sometimes it is about tactile, they want to feel it. Sometimes it is about the fact that they can not manage the plate and the utensils and the cup and the surroundings all at the same time. See if you can pinpoint what is causing her to eat with her hands. Possibly redirect but I wouldn´t make a big deal out of it. Think of it like you would a small child - you wouldn´t assume a child would automatically know they need to use the fork or spoon, you would gently say ¨use your spoon¨ or hand it to them to reinforce the correct behavior.
Maybe if it is about cleaning her hands, have hand wipes with you, maybe there is something going on with her dementia that has triggered a germ phobia or a need to clean her hands more often.
There could be any number of things going on, but I would pick a starting point, and then go from there. And just know that you will need to be flexible because what works one time may not work the next time.
My husband and I were eating lunch out a a family-style restaurant. Nice place and good food. A group came and they had an elderly woman in a wheelchair with them. She clearly had some kind of advanced dementia. The woman stank so badly that I wanted to just leave, but we'd already ordered and figured we could move to a different table and would wait.
She slopped the food all over the place while smacking her mouth open chewing and grunting throughout the meal.
Then it was the piece de resistance when our food arrived. She farted up a storm and crapped herself at the table. Her family was not affected by this at all. They continued eating.
My husband told the owner of the restaurant that we were leaving would not be paying for our meals. I told him that he cannot allow this in his restaurant or he will go out of business.
Some people like the woman's family can just ignore it and finish eating. Others in a restaurant shouldn't be expected to.
I have family at various stages on the acceptance-denial scale.
Myself & others learnt the hard way. Some still to learn.. 😩
From what you've written, your mother is at a point in her dementia where she should not be taken out to eat anymore. If you think her washing up in the tea is disgusting, the other people dining in the restaurant think that too. They should not be put off their food having to see that. You should not have to deal with the mess and embarassment.
I had a care client that I used to take to lunch two or three times a week. We always went to the same Italian restaurant. The owner was a friend of my father who used to frequent the place with a group of old Italian guys. The restaurant staff was very accommodating to us, until one day the owner respectfully asked if I'd stop bringing her in. I did. She was at the point where she couldn't eat in public anymore. We started getting take-out.
I told her the restaurant closed.
Switch to finger foods.
Use sippy cups with lids and straws or other lidded cups, mugs for drinks.
For things like soup, you may have to feed her. Same with ice cream, pudding.
When eating out you order for mom and order things that she can eat with her hands. Sandwiches, fries, chicken strips. There are plenty of things on a menu that can be eaten with the fingers. Just bring wipes, hand sanitizer and ask for extra napkins.
Skip any messy items - pizza works well.
Eating with her hands is fine at home or in a care facility. People in a restaurant are paying customers too and should not be put off their meals because some elder is slopping their food all over the place.
I completely sympathize about meal time and disgusting eating habits. We rarely take my FIL out for meals for a number of reasons, one of which is eating habits because we either have to tip wildly extra or convince wait staff to allow US to clean up after we eat. My grandmother refuses to eat with him any longer.
BUT we also know that there is *some* underlying cause (not enough to warrant everything, some of that is just bad manners, being protective of his food as if he will never eat again, and eating too fast).
Certainly there are some foods that are acceptable to eat with your hands, even in public. But for the ones that are not, there are a couple of things that you may be able to do, at least in public.
With the tea, for FIL with ANY liquid - though it upsets him ( he says he feels like a child) we insist on to go cups or cups with LIDS every single time, and the lid must stay on the entire time. PERIOD. After he knocked a cup of hot coffee over on my DH, that was the last time he got a cup of anything without a lid.
For food- if it is not completely ridiculous to eat it with her hands, leave it alone. If it requires utensils, try putting the correct one in her hands. Does she have tremors or any kind of shaking or unsteadiness of her hands? Or is the food dropping off of her utensils when she eats? Look for weighted utensils. Amazon sells them. The weight helps keep their hand steady and hold the food on better, so that it doesn´t go flying. They have different weights. My FIL is a big man so his weigh a little more. If she is knocking plates over, they even have adult size bowls and plates that will adhere to the table (that do not look like toddler plates/bowls) so that they stay still while they are trying to get their food.
Sometimes it is about tactile, they want to feel it. Sometimes it is about the fact that they can not manage the plate and the utensils and the cup and the surroundings all at the same time. See if you can pinpoint what is causing her to eat with her hands. Possibly redirect but I wouldn´t make a big deal out of it. Think of it like you would a small child - you wouldn´t assume a child would automatically know they need to use the fork or spoon, you would gently say ¨use your spoon¨ or hand it to them to reinforce the correct behavior.
Maybe if it is about cleaning her hands, have hand wipes with you, maybe there is something going on with her dementia that has triggered a germ phobia or a need to clean her hands more often.
There could be any number of things going on, but I would pick a starting point, and then go from there. And just know that you will need to be flexible because what works one time may not work the next time.
Good luck!