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Yesterday, i gave the your dying talk. I was very blunt and didnt sugar coat it, thats not how i am? I have to go back to rehab facility in a little bit to answer the why cant i be fixed questions. I know the answer but its not what he wants to hear. Any suggestions on how to be a little more compassionate?

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I had the talk and took suggestions. When i left yesterday afternoon, he was in good spirits. When i went back at night, he was angry at everything. Completely freaked out about fish and how i wasnt going to make him eat it, started hitting the table which is not his nature. Are there stages of acceptance?
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My opinion and it is only my opinion is to provide honest answers when questions are asked. Give the answer in as gentle a way as possible and when the answer has sunk in go onto other arrangements. Things like legal issues and making or revising a will. Then the actual funeral arrangements, help pick out clothes and choose hymns. Offer to invite the funeral director over to plan the service. many people when they are dying are afraid to ask questions because they don't want to upset the family members who have to answer the questions.. Hold the person during this talk, hold a hand or hugs whatever is appropriate. You may have to tell someone the absolute opposite of what the MD has said so they may find it difficult to believe you, but the fact they asked shows they do not entirely believe the DR.
Drs have a very tasty habit of not being honest about the length of time a patient may have left to live but their answers are usually over optimistic. Being given a true estimate allow the dying LO the chance to see people they want to say goodbye to, put their affairs in order and spend the remaining time with heir friends and loved ones or even make a visit to special place. It does not give the patient any comfort to be told he/she could probably live another six months. One grandma wanted to see her grand daughter perform in a play but she was too weak. So the grand daughter got permission to visit in her costume and someone filmed the performance which was later shared with grandma. no one needed to tell her she was dying but there were still things she wanted to do. Another one received a call from a grand daughter out of state who was close to giving birth. At the end the conversation grandma said goodbye and in her love ascottish accent said " I'm sorry I won't get to see the little fellow" Again no one needed to tell her she would pass in a few days. it has been my experience that if people don't already realize the truth they will ask the question directly.

Ashlynn he would have called his nurse to wipe off his shoes!!!!!!!!!
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My late mother's doctor who she adored was merely a referral service. Every visit he just sent her for tests. On one visit the flu shot was mentioned. She couldn't have it as she was too frail but he offered me one. Ok. That said he just jabbed me without asking if I was allergic to eggs or anything else. Wonder what he would have done had I collapsed on his shoes? I referred to him as "the idiot".

My mother often said "I'm going to die". My response was "Well, we all will one day". Her dementia was so full blown you couldn't reason with her at all and no reassurance or fuzzy wuzzies had any effect whatsoever.
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Eyerishlass, good advice, very compassionate.
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I just kept telling my daughter "God has a Plan"
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Compassion is also being there-you wouldn't be there if you were not already seriously compassionate.
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In our case, the doctors are honest. He qualifies for hospice for cardiac, pulminary and liver failure..hes not getting better, no miracle drug, nothing. Its just hard to explain that to someone over and over. Same question phrased different with the same answer. Its the look of hope for a brief second before the blank stare
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tacy, I think it would be easier for the caregivers if the doctors didn't skirt the issues with their patients. Doctors don't want to be the bad guys, so don't use words like dementia, referring instead to memory loss or balance problems. So their patients are left to believe that nothing is really wrong with them except these lapses in function. And surely those are fixable with the right medications. We know there are no magic pills, however, so know that searching for them is not the answer. When my mother talks about her balance problems, the only solution I have for her is to move around more, instead of sleeping away the day in front of the TV. She doesn't want to get up and move about, though, because her back hurts and she feels dizzy. I understand that, so we're locked into a negative feedback loop. I encourage my mother to keep moving. When she asks me to get something, I tell her that she can get it. She gets mad at that, but I know it is for her own good.
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Jessie, i know exactly where your coming from. Yesterday i had to explain why you cant get a monkey heart.
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My mother has vascular dementia and a host of other problems that cannot be cured. She is 89 years old. She is after me each day to go to the doctor and to ask for a new medication to help with something. She won't remember that she has had a problem for a while. She rejects that she has dementia.

She has had slow, shuffling gait for 10 years or more and feelings that she unbalanced for 4 years. But she remembers everything as just happening recently. A few days ago I tried to explain that the problem was the vascular dementia. Oh, did she ever get angry! She yelled at me that she did not have dementia and not to ever say that again. She wasn't crazy and nothing was wrong with her brain.

Yesterday she called my cousin doctor while I was out exercising. He is going to have her a prescription sent over tomorrow. My cousin probably thinks I don't do anything to help. Sigh. He doesn't know that I go through it every day with her. I do wish he would quit working behind me. I have a feeling that he is going to send out something we've already tried. Maybe it will work on the dizziness since he sent it, even if it is just a psychological thing.

Sometimes we can't really have the "not fixable" talk to them. It is something they have to realize for themselves. For some people that realization may never come until it is time for them to leave. Their life force is strongly holding onto a failing body.
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You can answer his questions about why he can't be fixed with compassionate phrases such as "I'm so sorry you're going through this" or "I would feel the same way you do in this situation". One of my phrases that I'd use with my dad was, "Is there anything I can do for you?" and if there was, I'd make sure I did it (if it's within reason).

Reach out and put your hand on his while he's talking. Give him your full attention. Let him know he's being heard. Let him talk and talk until it's time for you to talk again, don't interrupt him.

We can be blunt and not sugar coat things and still be compassionate. My dad had a host of medical issues and I'm in the medical profession so I would make sketches to show my dad what his body was going through. It helped my dad better understand what was going on and took the sting out of the blunt truth.
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