I'm putting my Mom in a home and she is fighting me tooth and nail, any advice on how to ease her pain of abandonment?

Can you make her new room look exactly like her old room? Thats what i did. I took photos the put everything exact. She was upset for a week then settled. Now she loves where she is. Kitty Kat and all!

You don't say what she has not her age putting her in a nursing home may not be all you can do if she is able to do something and the levels of care may be not unlike living in a hotel if she is not so unable as you she's scared of losing you help her find the right place for her and make it your place too the way it seems you may need it too for you and your husband not all people are disables who live in care homes

My aunts were placed in "top of the line" nursing homes. Both were miserable, were medicated until they were completely crazy and lost their teeth, hearing aids, clothing and dignity. All the assurance in the world cannot help you take hold of the clean end of a turd.

I too had to place my mother in a nursing home. I had babies and worked full time. Make sure you reach out to the social worker at the home and discuss your feelings. They will reassure you that she will be well cared for and may help you to ease your guilt. As someone else said, it's hard to take care of someone when you are 100%, but given your condition, you really have no choice.

My Mom is number one on the wait list to go to memory care in the semi-independent unit… she is fighting this move as much as she can and every time she accepts that it is going to happen within the next 2-3 months, she gets mad at me…and paranoid… and pouty… .all the bad behavior that got my teenage daughters sent to their rooms for… sometimes I just have to get her to focus on me and tell "this is me walking away from this argument" and then I walk away… otherwise, her dementia is more pronounced, her short-term memory is more impaired, her tolerance of change is less, her patience with my four young teenage grandchild is greatly diminished, they're "always in her way", their legs "too long", they "talk too loud and use words she doesn't like"… so I limit the time my grandkids are here… (Mom lives with me and my two little dogs)… when the kids aren't here for a few weeks, it's complaints about them not coming to see her… that's her fault… she gets testy with the grandkids for nonsense reasons and the grandkids don't want to come visit… why would they…they used to adore her but when she's always so testy with them, they've been pulling away from her, she stays testy with me unless she wants something and her list of wants… read "needs"… are endless… I do the best I can to accommodate her requests but I've gotten physically, emotionally, and intellectually tired after 3 years of constant caregiving… I see my doctor when I can and she's not happy with some of my health issues… the least of which is my blood pressure which keeps spiking… I've had a stroke already… not inclined to have another for my mother… I see my therapist when I can… I thank the gods for that man as he has helped me develop some strong boundaries… I've learned that her bad behavior says something about her and nothing about me… my childhood was quite dysfunctional and my Mother's "retirement plan" was "I don't need to save for my retirement because I have 6 kids to care for me"… I'm the one she lives with because none of my siblings will have her… two (one son and one daughter) cut off ALL contact with her… one son calls me once a year to check on her but refuses to talk to her directly… another son calls one - two times per month for no more than 5 minutes at a time… her favorite child, a daughter, is "too frail" to have her live with her… that leaves me and Mom and I have never been especially close… why have I decided Mom is going to have to move to memory care?… multiple reasons: she is right now in a narrow window of time when she can still make new friends, find her way to and from her room and activities, and she can adapt to a different style of living… where we currently live, she has to climb a short flight of three stairs and then another flight of seven stairs; she's starting to struggle with the stairs…she has no concept of safety any more… I've had to remove the stove/oven knobs and tell her she cannot use the microwave… she started a fire on the stove and put an empty cup in the microwave and set it for 45 minutes cook time (thankfully I caught both problems straightaway)… she is getting so that she can't properly complete her "little chores"… hanging up her clean clothes, etc… I do all the housework… she's lost her understanding of the use of the remotes for the TVs… I know a lot of this just sounds like whining/complaining on my part but I'm trying to get across that her dementia is getting worse and her window of time when she can still adapt is closing and as infuriating as she can be I'd hate for me to wait til she is past that window and each day is waking up in a strange place… I think the point I'm really trying to make is that for some of us moving a loved one to a facility becomes a necessity… I'll be honest, if I drop dead tomorrow Mom's care will fall to a much beloved daughter of mine (I have two) and I refuse to put my daughter in the position of having to put her health and well-being at risk for my Mother… for those who think I "owe" my Mother anything… you are confused! I "owe" her consideration of her needs and well-being and that she gets but I don't owe her my health and well-being… Mom going to the memory care unit is not causing me any guilt because I've given her more than she's earned… her other kids have pretty much washed their hands of her… and to the person complaining about nursing homes and states taking assets of Medicaid patients… my Mother is one of those Medicaid patients who only has a Social Security check as an asset… she has never saved a penny in her life… she also has an entitlement complex… feels she is fully within her rights to have her cake and eat it too… the taxpayers of the state on Minnesota is paying for for Elderly Waiver and will pay for her memory care room… thus the TAXPAYERS of the state of Minnesota are well within their rights to say to my Mother and everyone else like her that to try to recupe some of the thousands of dollars the state has graciously spent on them that they have to turn over assets upon death… my Mother has aproblem with this because it means her favorite child will inherit nothing.… Mom and I disagree on this topic… if it wasn't for the state programs she'd have to figure out the next step of her life on, a little over a thousand dollars a month… my position is if you want the benefits than pay for them however it is the state says… better get off my soapbox… sorry such a long post… Cyndi

She is blessed to have you! Your an amazing person to be doing all you are when you are dealing with your own issues as well. My mom has parkinsons dementia and can be very difficult at times. Its hard for the whole family to see her this way. We got her enrolled in some classes with other patients and we had to fight her to go in the beginning she just did not want to go but now she enjoys it. She cant hold on a conversation or do much of anything but they do crafts and eat together and she is doing something with others not just family. With all the medication changes and doctors I can not say enough about these classes they do more for her than any pill or doc. So try to sign her up for some classes and she will enjoy herself
and you will still come to visit. You have to have the courage to tell her that you know its the best for everyone. Let her know that her doctor thinks this as well.
Concentrate more on you and your husband now, 3 years is a long time and you
will see its the best for all of you.

She is only "abandoned" in her mind. You are if anything are accelerating her level of care. She will have around the clock supervision, healthy hot meals, someone to bath and launder for her. She will have entertainment and activities.

We all share similar experiences when we have to send them on to other care. They will be mad, pout, silent, and even say some horrible things to us. But in time, the dust settles, things calm down and then they accept a new plan. It took 7 months for my father to decide that the NH was a good place to be. Be patient and be good to yourself. Positive thoughts to you.

Mom won't feel as abandoned as you feel. Your life was given added meaning as you struggled with MS to care for her. The loss unfortunately is yours. Who will provide the stimulation you need to live a productive life without Mom to focus your attention and love? Try a caregiver group. Join a social group, invite card players to come to your house if you play cards. Fight for an MS cure. Learn to be proactive about yourself and your life. You matter, too. Best of Luck

feeling guilty about things you have no control of often just makes it worse. Previous comment to live your life.. So true.. Try to stay strong with your Love and set aside the guilt. It has no purpose. But can kill you with the stress it brings on. Deep down..our parents don't want their daughters or sons to be hurt. Sometimes you have to really be strong on boundaries being set. Although it upsets her a little u do nit give my mother an exact day and time I will be back unless it is for a Dr appointment. I did this because she still wanted me to do the baths. Clean het up. Cook for her..everything. I had to sternly But kindly remind her that I am Not a nurse. The money she is paying out is paying for that service. Although it does seem a little unfair..in my circumstances my mother will have a daily list if things for me to do if I don't pull back a bit. I day stay string in your love for your mother but live yourself too. It's really ok.

SheMay1: I can relate to your dilemma. As hard as it is, you're going to have to let the guilt go, else it could be the death of you.Should our parents live long enough, we all go through this.

No need for guilt. Open the window and throw it to the wind. When it comes back, and it will, throw it to the wind again. YOU make the choice to accept the guilt, YOU make the choice to throw it to the wind again and again. Sometimes we have to put self first. And your marriage needs to be nourished. Tell your mother 'I love you' and 'You're beautiful' as often as you can, whether on the phone or when you visit. Cover her with love. Then trust her to the professionals in whose hands you left mother. Visit when you can but Live.YOUR.Life.

This past February I made the decision to put my mother in s care home. There are only 4 residents There. Luckily a family member works there and that helps. My mother was hysterical for a long time and kept telling me all her friends..her grandchildren and anyone that would listen that what I was doing to her was terrible and I was so cruel to do this. I felt awful.. Even when I explained how my health problems were getting worse and my husband wad not only afraid he would lose me but saw our retirement years forced to stay at home because mom needs 24 hour care. My doctor said me health couldn't take much more..that I was heading for a stroke myself. Even with family claiming that I was not strong enough to care for mom I still felt guilty. I have always cared for her.. Put her needs above my own..when she had het own place prior to a hip fracture I worked fill time and devoted entire weekends to het...meals..cleaning...every single thing she deemed important. I would cook on some weekends making several of het favorite foods to find them often dumped in garbage and her saying she would rather have the Japanese or Chinese food. This was ok by me some of the time But when the expense would jump to at least 50.00 per trip.. I had to stop. Now that She is in a care home.. I get to sleep.. My health is improving and I get to do things with my husband. We both are wand still well enough to travel a little and have a little fun. To tell you the truth..allowing myself to let go and have fun has been a learning experience.. Many previous comments correctly sad that the guilt doesn't help and had no place. I go see her at least two Times a week. Take her to all her medical appointments.. I am closely in communication with the staff that care for her. I love this woman very much but saw that she wad never really willing to see that what she was demanding from me was unfair. Basically...caring for her was harder because she was so convinced that I was the only one to take fate of her right. She is handling things a lot better.. But there ate still rough days But I handle it better. When she fell again recently and broke her wrist because she would not call for help.. She got to see that even doing that didn't make things better .. I could go on and on..but the real message here I want to say that if you have done your best if your patent is safe and you feel the staff treat her or him kind and caring, then you must step back. The feelings of abandonment are normal for them. Once mom made connections with the staff and wad reassured I was still there for her but in a different way..she got better. Now that it seems like dementia is going on with her...imagining things etc.. Talking very strangely... Having vacant like stares...wanting to sleep all the time... I am able to be more gentle with het and reassure her that I'm there for her.. She has a lot if good days and for that I am grateful. I am having better days too and that is ok for me more and more. Hang in there. Take care if yourself so you can do those special little things mom seems to need but create a healthy boundary so that you can actually spend enjoyable time together as there will be a day. It won't be possible.

My mom has been in ALF almost 2 years. I moved her once because she was so unhappy and complained all the time. She still complains. Says it must be nice to stick your mother in a corner and walk away. My mother says I'm a vultures going thru her stuff looking for items of value. Some folks will never be happy.

Bring lots of pictures, some favorite things, favorite clothes. Visit frequently, go to activities with her initially, But one thing, also give her some time on her own to meet other residents. We felt we had to be at our mom's side every minute and then one day I walked in and she was having a lively conversation with another resident. Get to know the staff-the social worker and activity people. Tell them your mom's hobbies and favorite things to do.Mail her a card once or twice a week
have her favorite magazines mailed there.
guilt is normal but after a while you will see how the staff responds to her and realize that she is in a safe place with continuous monitoring and the staff will respond if there is a problem. We truly believe that our mom would not still be alive if the nurses at her facility had not caught some of the signs of a potential problem(s) and alerted the MD.
good luck to you and your mom.

So Beazer, you think I enjoyed getting upset with my mother??? You think I enjoyed having roaches in my kitchen after my husband and I asked her numerous times to leave the dog food alone? My husband has Bamboo Spine (Anklyosing Spondylitis),his spine is fused from the disease, pain that you can't possibly imagine. He could no longer help her off the floor. I don't have the luxury of quitting my job as I work for my husband. We have a mortgage and bills to pay, so we can't sit home. We work six days a week.. So Beazer, I'm sorry I can't be perfect like you in your perfect world. So Beazer, you have a great day.

Wonderful helpful answers above. I am learning from it too. My dad is in AL and has just been moved to frail care. He loves seeing me and my sister now, but can hardly stay awake at times. He has very little to say to us.
My aunt on the other hand, childless and dependent at 84yrs find it difficult to adjust after 3months and she keeps phoning me. A cousin had her admitted. She does not have dementia, but the meds she's on for high BP and diabetes gets taken at inappropriate times when she lived alone. She wants me to get her out of the facility, but I am unable to care for her. I am still recovering from a broken ankle and a 3-week long bedridden flu. It is very hard, but the answers above have helped a lot. I wish you the best. Much as we want to, we are often not in a position to do it all.

If it's possible, spend the night with her for the first few nights.

What is wrong with your mother that she needs care? Perhaps there is a better solution.

Please if theirs any way don't do this, my mom passed away in April 2015 and I had her at home for 4 years before. She had been in 3 Nursing homes and all of them were awful, they are mistreated not cared for!!! I quit my job to bring mom home with me and I will NEVER regret it, as for LisainJersey maybe if you didn't yell at your mom maybe she would have done better, I could have never yelled at my mom like you said you did, and "almost lost it" you didn't need to take care of the person who loved you no matter what you did as a child, that's what your parents become, "A Child"

No. do not do this! My mother went into the nursing home for rehabilitation on surgery that she had, this turned out to be a disaster. She caught a thing called C-Diff from one of the other residents because of the shared toilet's, now she will have this for the rest of her life, hopefully it never occurs again, but it can if she ever has anymore antibiotics. She was just in there for rehabilitation and they tried like heck to get her committed to long term care. I had to step in and stop that. They will take all of you mothers social security if they can get their hands on it, If you're mother owns a house, car, or any other luxuries the nursing home will try to take it and sell it. The meals at times where not very nutritious at times, they get all these peoples social security checks and they can't afford to feed them better. some of the staff where ok, but others where very rude. I am not trying to throw a monkey wrench into your plans, but these are some of the things that you have to take into consideration. Like the part of being susceptible to diseases that they never had in the first place that they may or may not end up with for the rest of their life. When my mom was in there she was always very un-easy she was in there for 4 months and that was it, especially when they tried to take her social security check, and they tried to have her put on nursing home Medicare, and when they do that they can then after a certain time do what they call recovery with her asset's because they can take any cars that might be in her name, sell any home that she has in her name, You're mother nor any of your siblings will never see a red cent of because it goes to the recovery of your mother being in the nursing home. If she has any insurance policies (Life Insurance) they can take that. Irrevocable trust, they can take that, pretty much anything that has her name attached to it, they can take it. Now, I'll tell you what you may want to possibly consider. Get her, her own place, get home care attendants, you can also qualify for some of these program's through her Medicare and medicade, and if she is that bad off you can get hospice to come in and look after her. Hospice will stay with her longer periods of times depending on her condition. If you use another alternative your mother will not feel like she is being abandoned, and you will not have to live with the guilt of doing something like this. I have seen way to many people do this with their parent's or parent, and they wish that someone would have warned them, because by that time it is to late and they will have your mother social security, and any asset's there will be no place for her to go, and you will either end up back at square one, or you will make a choice to leave her there. When you make this kind of decision you are in a way abandoning her, and she will end up in there for the rest of her days that she has left on earth. My mom is now home and doing way better than she ever did in there because she can come and go when she pleases, watch whatever she wants on T.V., go to bed anytime she wants, and do all the things that a person should be able to do until their last day on this earth. We have caretakers coming in to help her through her Medicare, and Medicade. So, just be for warned before you make a drastic move like this and have the situation cause any undue stress or disease that she does not need. I am telling you the things that other people won't say on this form because they are either to afraid to, or they just don't know themselves. So just, be for-warned before you take a measure like this.

I've heard about community medicaid, would you be eligible for that to care for both you and your mom?

What help me and my friends when we moved to assisted living: Ask us what we would like to have with us - what are our favorite pictures? What knitting books and needles? favorite chair? Be sure phone and TV service is on and I know how to use them - no new fangled technology. My old familiar phone and answer machine so I don't miss your calls..

But I do want to know how to get an aide when I need help.

The recreation director will visit and find out what she might enjoy and will keep inviting her until she joins in. Mealtimes are when we socialize and meet new friends. Remind Mom that no one expects her to remember all the new names for sometime - it is OK to ask me my name over and over. Benn there done that, as the kids would say.

First morning is hardest - aid may wake her up too early. If she would like to have breakfast later, ask what accommodations can be made. 103 old has breakfast in her room when she is ready to get up.

When you put my things away for me and I have memory problems, label where they are with removable labels.

Pictures are important. But not too many.

I came to this forum over a year ago and read many posts from adult children saying "this was the hardest /most painful decision of my life" and I took some comfort knowing what others went through. My mom broke her 2nd hip at 94 living alone and refusing help in her home. She has some paranoid/ocd tendencies and never let anyone in her home. She had no real friends in neighborhood..just a neighbor who took in her garbage pails and another who mailed her letters. Sister and I lived 2hrs away from her. She went to rehab for her hip and we told her she had to go to AL FROM there to be near my sister . She fought every step of the way. Said horrible things to us that i never heard from her in my life. Scared the staff at rehab by saying she'd kill herself rather than go to AL. (Italian drama,runs in the family). Meantime we moved her things to AL near my sister and had her favorite things in there. Once there she was nice to the staff but on the phone with me laid on so much guilt I cried every night after our phone call. My health suffered. Yes it was becoming the hardest, most painful decision of my life and I am a 59 year old physician! It has taken her ONE YEAR to see that she is safe, gets regular weekly social visits from sister and grandkids, brother in law stops by when she needs something, in house Dr visits.....but nothing we said in advance helped. She looks much better now and has stopped asking to go home though every once in awhile says "I hate it here" but when we visit wants us to meet her buddies. SHEMAY1:hang in there....your mom will be a fighter like mine was but that may help her master her new situation eventually....mine took a year. You are doing what's best for her, not what she wants.
Take care of yourself too.

I can partly empathize with you, as I also have artificial hips. Even though I am a retired nurse, I have found the past year of having my 87 yr, old husband home on hospice care is very challenging. I was not happy with even 5 days of respite care for him while I recovered from the 2nd hip surgery. If I were in your place, I would first know that I had done all I could do for her. Secondly I would have my brother make certain that she is safe, clean, hydrated, well fed, & free of pressure sores. also make sure that she is being treated in a kindly manner and monitored for conditions that warrant a doctor's care, ie., UT I's pneumonia, and debilitating diarrhea. Your feelings are quite normal. Go to her as often as you are able.Tell her you love her, hug her, read to her, pray for her if that is your belief, and then let go and let God. I will pray for you to have strength & courage!

I am trying to get my parents [mid-90 and both are fall risks now] to leave their home and go into something more elder friendly. Of course they both say they can manage on their own. I am so emotionally drained that I don't think guilt will find its way into my mind :P

I want to do what is best for them, that will give them MORE freedom in a safer environment, and to give me finally MORE freedom to get my life and health back on track, if it is not too late.

If possible spend the first night with her. It's what really helped my mom adjust. It will still be difficult for her, just not so jarring a change all at once. Let her know what time you'll be leaving in the morning, which will be preferably right after breakfast.

in 2007 I had major heart surgery and my wife had to be in the nursing home until I recovered. After three months the doctor said I was no longer capable of caring for her and she would have to stay in the nursing home. She did feel abandoned, but I told her that the only alternative would be to see me likely pass away in a year or two and to please try to make the best of it. She had trouble emotionally when I first talked to her about that, but soon enough she adjusted and now she has been there all these years and is satisfied with her life.

grace + peace,
Bob

I just went through this with my dad. 95 next month, dementia, a mild stroke and extreme hearing loss. I tried to keep him at home with 24 hr live in aides, but it was Hell for him and for me. During the stroke in May I was in the process of moving. I would go daily to the hospital then to rehab. He had lived alone before the stroke. I was in the process of getting him an aide a couple of hours a day and then as he got used to it extending the hours. The morning I was meeting with the nurse from the agency, we found him on the floor. He had the stroke. The agencies I used were horrendous. I spent more time doing for my father yet paying them high fees. Finally his doctor said it was time to go to memory care, where hexwould get care pkus stimulation. I couldn't tell him he could no longer live in his home. I told him the house needed extensive repair and he had to live in a hotel for awhile. It was suggested that I not visit him for a week or 2 to let him adjust. It was a week ago Friday that he went in and they asked me to visit last Tues as he had been asking for me. I went just before lunch. He/seems to be adjusting well, but it was the hardest thing I ever did to take him there. I know it was the right decision and with the memory loss, he couldn't be in a better place. I'm getting over the guilt. Just knowing he's being well taken care of helps an awful lot. I'm an only child so there was nobody to help. Hard as it was, it was best for him and that's what matters.

LisaInJersey is right... when my mom moved into assisted living, our relationship was mostly able to return to pleasant social visits, rather than her needing help, and me jumping through hoops to try to do more than I could safely handle. Yes, there are still little fires that need putting out from time to time as far as speaking to staff on her behalf, etc, but for the most part the stress in my life has greatly reduced. As my husband so wisely put it "Yes, your mother is a patient, but I don't need TWO patients if you make yourself sick trying to care for her!" It will work out... give it time.

I've just in the last 6 months had the same problem. The doctors told me there was no choice. At 70 and being her sole caregiver for years I was worn out and couldn't afford help. My health was steadily going downhill. My brother has Alzheimers and his kids just had to make the same decision. The guilt eats you alive even though you know you can no longer do it. I go every day and feed her. I hung her favorite things on the wall. I made a collage of pictures of all the family and put it on the wall. I put foam pads and sheepskin on her bed to make it more comfortable. I bake cookies and brownies and take something different every day. I eat lunch with her. It helps her eat. We have coffee and discuss her therapy. Even though I know she won't come home I never take away her hope, because she forgets everything we talk about as soon as I leave. I put her crosses on the wall and keep her Bible on the table. She goes to church, but nothing else. If you mom would get involved in the social activities it would really help her. My mom is 92 and it takes 2 aides just to transfer her so she can't really do much, but I see the others with their friends and they do well. I hope your brother will do better. Take care of yourself. If you let your health go down then you can't take care of yourself. I was so stressed I've lost 38 pounds, but I needed to. I'm sure you don't. God bless. It's a difficult journey!!