How do I ease my Grandmother out of a desperate situation?

Ddtala, grandma quietly became unable to make good decisions or keep up with things a while ago, and not your fault for not realizing it; we never can quite see it with our loved ones. Assisted living sounds appropriate and you, brave and kind soul, are going to need and probably be easily able to get any documentation from one or two doctors you need to fully "activate" the POA...read the document and see what is needed, and ideally get an eldercare attorney involved. You can then help her get settled into a good place, whether wiht you or at a decent facility, and then hopefully have lots of times to visit and make good memories with her and give both of you some happiness in this life as you hope.

Why feel guilty for thinking she needs assisted living and not live with you when that is very realistic. You are not a horrible granddaughter for even thinking that . You are being reasonable. If the guilty feelings get too burdensome, then you might need to talk with someone about that so you can get some freedom from it.

She can move to a VA home fully paid for? Wow! That is where she needs to go and as said earlier you don't need to explain why she can't come live with you.

Your grandmother is blessed to have you helping her out. Take care and be nice to yourself.

Ddtala, if you did something to cause your grandmother to need the kind of help she'd get at Assisted Living, please continue to feel guilty. Did you push her down some stairs? Refuse to shop for her food? Tun off her heat so she suffered hypothermia?

But if she came into the infirmities of old age without any force from you, then be proud of looking out for her best interests. No guilt allowed.

Thank you Jeannegibbs! That truly made my month to hear that!

Countrymouse, she likes the facility that she stayed at when she broke her hip, and she speaks very highly of it! So I think that may make it easier. The only real worry I have is that she just talks about moving in with me. I've never agreed to it, but always said "Well we can talk about it when we get there, but I want to explore all of your options before we make any decision together."

I love my Grandma, she has always been my favorite of the family and she truly means the world to me. I think I will just have to explain it to her that I want her to be safe, happy, healthy, and in a better position for both of us to be able to still enjoy each other as long as possible!

Thank you, everyone who has replied so far. My heart is set far more at ease than it was just this morning. I felt so guilty that I think she needs assisted living, like I was a horrible granddaughter for even having it cross my mind.

Gosh Grandmother is lucky to have you advocating for her. You are doing a fine job.

Ok! That sounds pretty thorough to me, well done. Your grandmother's naïveté about the tenants makes you wonder if perhaps she was declining much earlier than anyone realised, doesn't it? - but no good crying over spilt milk. The main thing is that you have sound plans for her future security.

How is she? Has she voiced any opinions about moving? Unless she's one of those 'over my dead body' types about going into even a good home, it may be that you'll be pleasantly surprised at how relieved she is to leave all financial and home ownership responsibilities behind - especially if policy allows her to keep her current dogs with her. I'll keep my fingers crossed, anyway.

OH! I also have medical and estate POA. That was taken care of right away when we moved down.

I should add some more info here. The payment that wasn't being made was to her late son's home, that she signed a lien on her home to get for him. He passed away 3 years ago and some of his "friends" took over the house and were squatting while my grandmother was still making the payments. I went though a lengthy legal battle to remove them from the home to have my grandmother turn around and invite one of them to continue to stay in the house, so I have to evict them again! That depleted my emergency funds. The house was in proper condition to rent out until that second time around when the people stripped the house clean and stole/broke everything. So renting it stopped being an option and no money to fix it! (this all just ended last month).
That homes value now is less than the loan amount, and speaking with the bank, and the people who hold the lean, that told me I could indeed sell her home before their sell date to pay off the outstanding debt, and then sell that property, I've called all over town for resources, but in a town of 7,000 there just isn't anything anyone can provide, and anyone out of county has said they cannot help us.
My mother, is just not wanting to deal with any of this and not being of help. Her husband has ALS so she has a "full plate already." I understand, but I wish I had more help.
She also has Tricare, so any VA home will be fully paid for and there are a few very nice ones in the aria, including a lovely one 45 min away from us that she stayed at both times she broke her hip.

I was going to say, too: you have explained your grandmother's serious health problems to the bank, have you? If she has always had a clean credit record and this is her first lapse, it's just about not impossible that there could be some flexibility. You would have to do a lot of extremely fast talking, though.

How much equity will she have in the house? Is it the kind of mortgage where they take the house period, or the kind where proceeds from foreclosure sale would be used to pay off outstanding debt with the rest (less than you'd get on the ordinary market) going back to her? Terms vary, it's always worth checking. Come to that, it's always worth arguing: what is there to lose?

But in any case, whatever you manage to salvage for her from her home, she can't continue to live on her own. And to the outside observer, it is out of the question for her to move in with two working parents and two small children. Dementia is clearly a possibility, and the whole combination is just unfeasible. I'm afraid you're going to have to harden your heart and look only at options that do not involve her living in your home. How do you tell her? Kindly but unambiguously. The more confident you are about whatever the alternative is, the more reassuring you will be.

By the way, there is no need for you to explain why you can't invite her to live with you. It's not on the table, there is nothing to discuss, and thus there will be no opportunity for getting into upsetting arguments about it. Instead, present her with the options that are available, and help her choose the best fit. Best of luck, please update.

Well, first of all make sure that it is indeed too late to save her home. You may have some recourse yet. Or she might, if you don't have POA. There might be some refinancing available or help from churches or charities. Make an appointment with someone at the mortgage company and take her with you. When they see how she is, they may be more likely to work with you. Unless she has no mortgage, she will not walk away with money in her pocket as the mortgage holder gets the money from the sale of the house. If it is not enough to pay off the remaining mortgage, they CAN (might or might not) sue her for the remainder. There might be enough equity that she could get a loan and pay the back payments. Of course, the loan would then have to be paid back, but that might be an option.

Secondly, find out what income she does have and what it is going for. She might be eligible for your state's Medicaid program. Do scroll along the top of this page at the blue headings and see what articles there are that might be of help to you.

Good luck to you. Don't panic, just research, ask questions and take action.

I did not know that you could sell a house that is already in foreclosure. I assume someone has durable and medical POA. Has she been evaluated by her doctor for dementia? I agree, she does need to move into assisted living and given your family situation with two young children and the no smoking rule, she does not need to live with you. You are not wrong that she would be happier elsewhere. Is there anyone who could be more persuasive that could explain things to her? Where are her adult children in all of this?

Of course she'd be better off in assisted living. Where are her children in all this? I think I'D say ( as I did to my mom several years ago) mom, this isn't working out for us (siblings). You can't live alone anymore. Just be business like about it. If she threatens or pours, call her bluff. "Then you'll just have to find someone else to assist you. I can't do this anymore".