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Being moms only caregiver and knowing Mom was no longer safe at home and refusing help, I ended up doing just that. It was horrid.
Its has been eight weeks now since mom is in a home for dementia care. I see her 2 to 3 times a week. But the guilt for taking her there and not telling her where she was going, is still eating at me. The first time I saw her after I took her, she told me she hated me and could not believe I put her away. It has ben 6 weeks now since she mentioned home, or being angry at me. I tell her I love her everyday, but I feel like I betrayed her by doing it that way. I want so much to offer to take her for a ride,or for a burger, only I fear, what if she refuses to go back. What if it makes her feel worse.How do I handle this with care, any advice.

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Ive never heard of such a thing? What country, state? That said- dont beat yourself up. You can transfer blame to the idiots who enforce such a polici. My mom was very angry- but i took her. I sat beside her, wheeled her into her room, sat down and was chewed out for 6 hours and one week. Now she loves it. Dont beat yourself up.Look in the mirror and recognize - your honorable intent
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USoulgirl, what a bad feeling you must have, hearing your mother accuse you of "putting her away". I'm sure that you only chose to take her to an Assisted Living Facility when it became clear that she was no longer safe living on her own.

The fact that she is no longer upset would seem to indicate that all is well, although the memory of her words must sting. I would discuss the idea of excursions with the professional staff; ask them if they believe she is settled in her mind about the fact that the AL is her home.
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I think it is a lot like the advice they give parents when they take their little ones to day care or the first day of school, they figure once you are out of sight they will settle in much more quickly. That said, it is something I would never do unless my parent was so totally out of it they didn't know me or where they were regardless. You have to know your parent and how they would react to being left in a strange place surrounded by unfamiliar faces, some would handle it better than others, but I don't doubt that many would hold on to that grudge as long as they are lucid enough to remember.

Sorry, I don't mean to come across as judgmental, you did as you were asked to do by the "experts", and we sometimes need to bow to their greater experience. It is probable that she would feel abandoned by you and unhappy any way you did it, so you just need to focus on today's reality and manage, encourage and redirect.
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Safety first! And it does sound like she's adjusting. Hopefully, as you continue seeing that she is getting care she needs, you can process and move past the guilt. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for that. Doesn't matter how old you are, in your heart, you're always the kid. Having to move to the parent role, with your own parent, I don't think is ever easy.

As for day trips, have you talked to the caregivers in the home to see what they think? Does she talk about going out when you're not there? Does she refer to her new residence as "home" (meaning that getting her back might not be a problem)? I don't have any experience with this, but if they think it's safe to try, you could start with maybe just taking a drive. If problems arise, you can drive back to the home where you have support. If things go well, however, maybe you can progress to lunch?

As I said, I don't have actual experience with that particular subject, so maybe others will have suggestions, too.
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It sounds like she is adjusting pretty well. You did the right thing for her and you. I would ask, if you had told your mother where you were taking her would it have been any less traumatic? Would she have even rememberd the conversation? I don't think it would have changed much. It's terribly hard to go through this.

I will be facing this shortly with both my parents. IN some ways I looking forward to getting it over with so I don't have the constant worries about them stumbling around in their crumbly old house. But it will be world war lll no doubt.

I will say this, once the move is made I will never reverse course only to go through the same ordeal a few months, days, or weeks later.
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