Drop everything or it’s your fault. Advice?

It is a game they play. They want you to feel bad because they feel bad. Don't fall for it. If my grandmother didn't get her way she'd yell "Well I might as well take poison". My response was to agree with her. Takes the wind right out of their sails. Call her out on her crap. Doesn't want to turn on the lights....ok, if that is what she wants (or even better--show up and take them all down). She just wants you to fuss over her above and beyond all the other things you do for her. It will never be enough so just do what you can and let the rest go.

My mom, too, used the 'well, I'll just kill myself and then you'll all be happy' routine for MANY years. WAAAAY too many and to a 6 or 8 yo, hearing that is absolutely horrifying and scarring. I felt 100% responsible for my mother being alive or killing herself.

At the age of 30 (actually ON my 30th birthday!) she asked me to come by b/c she had something for me. So, since I was out with the kids, we stopped by. She gave me a card with a $5 bill in it. Ok, fine, that's nice of her.

BUT, she was in a 'mood' and before I could escape she was going on and on about nobody caring about her and how she was going to kill herself. There stand my 5 little ones--oldest is 9 and she is absolutely in tears. I looked at mom and said "Please, please DO. But don't you dare leave a mess for me to clean up". I was way past furious with her.

Calling her on her bluff, albeit 22 years too late to save my sanity--was very freeing. She's never even made an attempt to hurt herself and is now 92 and still pulling stunts. But not around me.

The emotional damage has been profound. AT age 65, I am STILL working through it.

If we ever bring this up she denies it vociferously, but we all know it's true and a shady, crummy thing to do to kids of any age.

We have been taught all our lives "honor your father and mother". You can honor but without being a doormat. Unwillingly at the time, I sat boundries with Mom. She was pretty easy going so I don't think she noticed. When she had to stop driving, we set a day to shop and run errands. But, my Mom was active in her Church and had friends who were widowed too. She didn't need me for her entertainment. Not until she had Dementia did she get needy and I have a hard time with needy.

My MIL was passive-aggressive but very subtle. Always with a smile. For years she tried to get us to move to Fla. My DH never responded "it will never happen" just went along without saying anything. Think that's how all 3 sons dealt with her, easier just to say "yes Mom" and then do their own thing. She got me one day. I told her that No we would never be moving to Fla. Mom was now a widow and I was the oldest, the daughter and lived the closest. She said to be bring her with me. I said No, she has her Church and her friends. My MIL said to that "we all need to compromise". We all but her.

Keep your boundries and like said, have your comebacks. Make a game out of it. Mom is the problem, not you. A note to the aides would be nice. Ask if they could please do the following while there because Mom is not capable of doing them. Then say thank you in advance. Do not disable Mom. If you know she is capable of doing, then tell her she needs to do it. Ask before you leave if there is anything she needs u to do because "I won't be able to get back till Saturday". Then when she calls, "Sorry Mom I told you I couldn't come before Saturday". No reason why u can't come just you can't.

Your work schedule does not give you time to jump everytime she thinks you should. The world is so much different than the world she grew up in. Its not so much children don't want to be there for a parent, children can't be there. Jobs, homes and families of their own. This got me:

“Well I guess I better be doing more for myself. I get the message, ok.” When I asked what that meant, she said “Oh I get the feeling, message received ok” just because I said I was in meetings all day."

I would not have asked "what did u mean by that" I would have said "maybe you should do more for yourself" put it back on her. Don't play into it. "Sorry can't, I have meetings all day" period. Tell her she has aides for a reason. You honor Mom by doing what you can when you can. You make sure she is safe and cared for. Remember that...

No is a one word sentence, no explanations needed.

When telling someone "No" you are not responsible for the way they react to ur "No".

My mom shoots arrows all the time as well.

Learning to treat her passive aggressive manipulation tactics as nothing personal, because it is her problem, not yours, is a challenge. However, it is really rewarding to hang up the phone, laugh at being ably to dodge every arrow and go about your day.

I would have said, well done, not using extra power for Christmas decorations will definitely help the power grid. Oops, look at the time, gotta go, love ya, bye! Click.

I hang up with my mom like this about 90% of calls. I can hear her back pedaling as I am hanging up. She knows but, apparently can't help herself or doesn't want to. I, on the other hand, can be in full charge of how I respond, what I do and how I let her BS effect me.

I would be really tempted to say, oh dang mom, here I am going on a guilt trip and I didn't even pack a bag. Gotta go do that, talk later, love ya, bye! Click!

Finding the humor in the insanity is really helpful for me. I know by the way my mom says hello if the contact will be full of arrows or self pity. So I listen for her cues and go or I get smart with her. Depends on what it's about and if I feel up to her.

Take back your control and your heart won't feel so stomped on, I am speaking from personal experience.

I can relate to so much of this. It was my mother's attitude towards me more than anything else that hurt. When I suggested that one of my 3 brothers (all out-of-state) could do some of the things she wanted done (Internet research), she snapped back at me that THEIR time was valuable and mine was NOT. She would sometimes go into her "blaming, shaming, shaking" routine with me.

I could ignore it for only so long. When she landed in rehab after a 17-day hospitalization for a gallbladder infection (they wouldn't remove it because of her age), I could feel the stress ratcheting up. I would get constant calls from her at the rehab telling me they were trying to kill her. One time the PT called me for her. It was at this point that I told one of the 2 POA brothers that I could not continue without monetary compensation. (I'd brought it up at one point with my mother and she was furious -- "You don't pay family!") We agreed upon an hourly rate ($20), and I got compensated from that point on. I even got back-pay. It was gifted to me by my mother (my brother signing the checks as POA). She never knew. No contract needed, since she would never qualify for Medicaid.

I know many (including here) would be appalled that I charged for caregiving (and it wasn't hands-on, as she was in a facility and even when she wasn't, I never lived with her nor vice-versa). But treating my duties as a job made it so much easier for me mentally. I decided that my mental health was important.

I felt that her losing her filter was bringing out how she'd always felt about me. I was mostly a disappointment to her.

Is her depression being treated?

Just because she's always been passive-aggressive like this doesn't mean that treatment won't help. Look into getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist.

You can refuse to play this game by going " grey rock". Practise "non-reactions". "hmmm-hmmm". "I see". "That's your perogative". And then leave. It takes 2 to argue.

My mother who's 95 comes from the generation where anti-depressants and psychiatrists are for people who are 'nuts' or who are 'sickos' and that's not her, of course, she's perfectly Normal. Never mind that me, my father & my grandmother were tormented by her for decades; she was 'nervous', that's all, and she 'couldn't help it' and all that hogwash aka excuses that others made for her so that she didn't have to ask FOR HELP that she so desperately needed. Maybe then we ALL could have had better lives. But no, mom kept her 'dignity' intact while the rest of us suffered. Ego is an ugly thing, really, isn't it?

So here you are, pandering to your mother's ego while her passive/aggressive behavior is saying things like "“my house can stay dark through christmas,” “I won’t be turning my lights on outside anymore.” Okay fine mom, then your house can stay dark through Christmas and you won't be turning your lights on outside anymore, sounds good to me. These types cannot EVER come out and ask for what they want or need; they have to hint around at it and then we need to read their minds and then jump to their rescue to fix whatever it is they need fixed. Right? I get it.

When mother agrees to TAKE the prescribed medication, THEN you can talk about what she'd like you to do for her. Until then, you're too busy, sorry/not sorry mom. When she agrees to help HERSELF, then you can talk. Until that happens, the endless cycle of passive/aggressive non-communication keeps you running on the hamster wheel and getting nowhere fast.

Set down some firm boundaries with her about what you are and aren't willing to do. When you will and will not go over there to do X things for her. When you will call and how long you will talk, etc. Otherwise, the game constantly changes (as it's intended to in order to keep you off kilter) and you never know WHAT to expect! You'll be going over there continuously and calling non-stop, only to never quite satisfy her ever-changing 'needs'. I know from where I speak b/c I have a mother like yours. It's time for YOU to make the rules now so you can have a life of your OWN in addition to being her daughter. Otherwise, being her daughter is the only role you'll have in life.

Good luck!

Your mother is a toxic, cruel martyr. I know because mine is one.
The damned if you do or don't will end my life early.
I am sorry I am just venting as well.

I would tell her that from now on, the caregivers will not just be answering to her but to you. Put it in writing to the CGs as specifically as you can what chores are expected and on what day. And then tell Mom that this is the main way you are helping.

Tell her about the decorations that you're sorry she wasted her time, and you're sorry you wasted yours.

The guilt a martyr parent puts on a child is cruel and unacceptable. As adults we continue to suffer for trying to correct problems that were never ours to begin with. How can people do that to their children. Your inner child deserves affirmation and unconditional love.
As a 53 yr old I suffer the same all my life because we only have one mother and that's all I know as normal. If I could cry on this forum I would be because this is a lifetime of suffering and deep hurt that us "kids" don't deserve.
I am sorry but I am hurting and stressed so much please know you are not alone because you are made to feel that way.