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My mom is 82 COPD, declining sharpness, She has always been a bit of a drinker, but now it just dangerous and sad. She will not admit she's drunk but yet can not even hold her head up. A couple of weeks ago she fell out of bed or almost out of bed with her leg against dresser holding her in.. I have talked to her friends and family, that come over and drink with her, told them it is not safe and can not continue. This has not stopped her, she tells me I can't tell her what to do. This happened tonight She was just pissed can barely keep her head up, I told her that its not fair as I am the one who as to take care of her. she proceeded to tell tough and that she was hungry, SHe was unable to fix herself another one and I told her though I'm not getting you one. I will be sleeping in travel trailer tonight, I can't keep enabling her. I'm at my wits end.

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Wow. I've gone to Alanon for years and years and years, and one main lesson learned is to detach - not forever, but regularly, repeatedly, put your focus onto your life, schedule, pace that includes extra time to rest and pause, even if you have chosen to do fewer activities at this time of your mom's vulnerabilities.

Making time to be methodical and also to rest more, around people who drink in ways that put themselves or others into danger, is not easy but actually ends up helping the situation some, for some of the drinking occurs because the parent or relative feels protected - no matter how much yelling occurs.

I have a callous attitude sometimes - Let Go and Let God, pause a few days before being so quick to volunteer to step in as middle man, when the person you are helping is ignoring your efforts and making things worse. I like some of the responses here, it does matter to stay involved and look for other physical issues - and talk to the home about the friends who come with the alcohol. But if that continues, you can say to your mother, you choose them and their company over mine, so I love you and will keep stopping by, but I have to leave you to your own devices, I can't rescue you this way.

Visit - and chat. Show that you care, on a regular basis. And then leave. Soon she will complain and you can say, I can't try to help with that, you need to stop drinking, so you can think better. I worry about you. And leave it at that. Or ask why she listens to her "friends", for drinking buddies are not really friends who go to bat for you.

I'm simplifying, and I don't mean to make suggestions, only to say it can be very helpful to realize that we cannot drive ourselves to impatience and stress and worry. The person may die from their actions, we need to allow them to see that we do not want this to happen, and worry, but we can't promise to even try to find solutions, when they are showing they don't really want them.

I'm not saying to abandon them, but come and go, and pick times to help positively so you can feel some good cheer, and pray over the rough spots and say, I have to go now.

Our meetings are filled with children, spouses or mothers, all worried at the edge, living with broken promises and crazy-making stuff - and we find we are more patient and able to struggle when we meet others in similar settings, allow ourselves many breaks from worry, and self forgiveness. We work to give ourselves deliberate schedule that includes rest and small steps to keep up with our own goals. I've joined an anonymous group to help with my under-earning too - I wish I had found that one earlier, for my upbringing taught me few experiences of a methodical life, it was filled with battles and competition among the children, who were so rarely the focus of any sustained adult attention, since both parents were drinkers and more focused on maintaining a social image, than on learning to work together with all the people in the home to address home care and family tasks
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Next time she is passed out on the floor call 911 and have her transported. Refuse to take her home till she is properly assessed and treated and I don't mean black coffee in the ER. The staff will give you ard time but stand firm and tell them she lives alone and if they arrange transport home you will sue them for elder abuse or anything else you can think of.
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It's hard. My mother does the same. She drank herself into dementia. She's gone through rehab twice and insist that no one is going to tell her when she is going to stod drinking. She says she's going to drink until the day she dies. She has friends that sneak alcohol to her because they say she should be allowed to do whatever she wants. She's passed out, pissy drunk, on the floor frequently. It's hard enough caring for them with the lack of memory, the drunken state is like a kick in the teeth.
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Campyone--what a horrible place to be in. I am a recovering alcoholic with 18 years continuous sobriety. I only tell you this to let you know, when I talk about alcoholism, I know what I am talking about. Someone mentioned it would be unusual for an 82 year old to get sober and sadly that is true. I was a fall down, black out, don't have a clue what I'm doing, slurring my words, DRUNK. And after all this time I am only one drink away from a drunk. Such is the nature of the beast. I am sober because I do the work to stay that way. But I will tell you, had I been 82 and with COPD I don't think I would have given a d___ and kept drinking to end it all the quicker. Yes, for your sanity, see if you can get your Mom to a doc and evaluated. The truth is you can talk til you are blue in the face and it won't matter. We alcoholics are selfish, self centered and don't give a rat's behind about the people we hurt when we are actively drinking. So save your breath. Do what you can to get her some help but, more importantly, get yourself help to deal with her dying without the guilt of having anything to do with it. It would be natural for you to feel that way. But in no way is anything your fault no matter what happens. Go to Alanon, see a therapist, do whatever you need to do to be able to allow your Mom to do whatever she wants without it affecting you. Hard to do. But if you don't, it will drive you crazy and cause you a great deal of anxiety. Help yourself and then you can do a better job of helping your Mom. I know I have rambled. Forgive me but I want to share one more thing. A friend of mine had an elderly alcoholic Mom and got her to move into assisted living. She refused to keep buying her booze. Without a car to drive, the only thing her Mom could do was walk about three blocks through a very busy intersection and got her booze.....cause that is what we do. We are alcoholics and what we do is drink. The miracle is when an alcoholic can go ANY time without drinking because that is what is unnatural for us. Eventually they had to move her Mom into a locked area because of her dementia and that ended the drinking. I hope you can find a way to give yourself some peace of mind and serenity. You are powerless over your Mom and it is making your life unmanageable. Stop trying to control and start taking the steps to take care of you and see if you can get her some help. That is all you can do. Good luck to you both.
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UPDATE:
Well I sat her down and told her how unfair things were and that she is basically pushing everyone away.
Well, like a true alcoholic, she was very apologetic, and the whole it won't happen again, states she can quit on her own.
Then she found a reason later that day to be upset with me and started, the I DO EVERY THING WRONG, YOUR SO MEAN TO ME, BIT, Sorry to say it totally set me off. I was in the process of getting her stuff ready to go out. I stopped and looked at her and said "Are you kidding me?" Told her she needed to find another way to get there, I have not spoken to her since Wednesday night, and she has not spoken to me, was told by her friend she's waiting for me to apologize, LOL not going to happen. This sis when I am glad for my little travel trailer, I go back work on laptop,watch TV .
Thanks for all the wonderful advice, I looked up local Al Anon meeting, will be going ASAP.
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She needs 24/7 supervision and this is probably a lot more serious than anybody wants to admit.

She needs to be placed in a secure facility that can deal with this kind of problem. You need to build a team with a social worker who can do an assessment and a doctor who can determine what other issues are in play besides drinking. Your mother may be self-medicating her depression or boredom, which is common in elders, and extremely treatable.

Priority one is her safety, and that may mean she needs to be in a different environment for a while, where she does not have access to alcohol or her triggers. A doctor can help you make that happen.
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Campyone - this is all good advice but I'm thinking not practical. Would she agree to go see a doctor? Probably not. I had the same problem with my mother except she was high functioning. Drank a little bit all day and all night and took Advil PM and other pills to knock her out. I told her she was a stroke waiting to happen. And guess what? She had a stroke, recovered and then had four more. Now in a NH, long term. Can walk, can't really talk and can't understand what happened to her. It's all very sad. If you can't get her to a facility for an evaluation, whether physical or psychological, you just going to have to wait until she is injured and goes to a hospital by ambulance. It is very unusual for an 82 year old to become a recovering alcoholic. The odds are low, I'm sorry. If you are buying booze for her, you might want to stop and call the area liquor stores and tell them NOT to deliver. I don't know what else to tell you. I've been in your shoes. Now, I'm cleaning out her house. She has no idea she is not coming home. Very sad.
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Look in you area for a geriatric psychiatric unit. Call her doctor and work with them to get her admitted. They will help her to detox and address the addiction. Once she recievesTreatment place her into skilled care. Geriatric Addiction is common.this is serious. If you were in my local area I could recommend the exact place to manage her detox and to seek assistance or an intervention. Calling your Department of Aging for advice is an option too.
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Been there done that......I am sorry to be so "flip" but YES, you need to get her out of that environment and go to an Al-anon (did I spell it right?) meeting! Find a support group for yourself.

My mom was apparently living in her own home like that FOR YEARS! I was married with 3 kids living FOUR HOURS away and had no idea. One Christmas, I went to get her and bring her to my house....she was SO DRUNK and scared she swung a BIG PIPE WRENCH at me. She eventually ended up in ICU and a nursing home. While she was there, they dried her out and she quit smoking. She lives near me in an assisted living facility and honestly, she's almost cured. Every now and then she gets her "panties in a wad" because she sees someone drinking and she says, "Oh those poor people!" But she admits that her only regret is she can't drink b/c it makes her want to smoke and she doesn't want to go through the radiation for lung cancer again........

Your loved one's situation is fixable but call the Adult Protective Services folks......the Council on Aging ......anyone in your area that advocates for Seniors and maybe you can get her out of that mess. Go find a Al-anon sponsor.....someone to tell stories to until they make you realize.....worse things can happen and still may happen to you! But then again, things CAN get better! Pray if you find that helpful. I will pray for you.
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Alcoholism and addiction are anything but funny.
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