I am a care giver to Dotty who is 95. She says she’s been speaking to her brothers and sisters. When you tell her they have all gone to heaven she gets mad and says no! Do I lie to her.
When you tell a demented person their loved one has died, they will grieve that loss over and over again EACH time you tell them! They will forget, ask again, you will say the person died, and the demented elder will grieve anew once more. That is cruel, plain and simple. Make up stories as to where the deceased person is, if asked, and why they can't visit, etc. But certainly don't tell them they haven't been speaking to a deceased loved one! This isn't about "lying".....its about common sense and not applying YOUR logic to a disease that has no logic. Lie like a rug as long as you can keep your loved one from feeling even more agitated or confused than they already are.
If Dotty has dementia, anything she says is real to her. No point trying to convince her otherwise. Go along with it and then move on to the next subject, which may also be something that is not based in reality. This is a terrible disease and one that will test your own mental health.
Have another try along the lines that Cwillie suggested. Eg ‘What were you talking about?’, or 'What do you think?" for flat out inquiries. And this may be about re-running memories from the past, rather than talking with an 'imaginary friend'. Do what you can to avoid a pointless argument, upsetting for both of you, and repeated far too often.
If she's actually asking whether a person is alive I would ask back - "what do you think?" and take cues from their response. The key I think is to try to enter their world and to offer reasonable explanations that fit within it - scenario 1 Is Mary still alive? I don't know, what do you think? Well of course she is, I was talking to her just yesterday. Oh, what were you talking about? conversation follows... OR None of your business! That's okay. Would you like fish or chicken for supper tonight?
scenario 2 Why doesn't Mary ever call me! I don't know, why do you think? She probably busy with that boyfriend of hers. You could be right. I'm sorry you are missing her, did you two like to play dolls when you were little?
My DD had an imaginary friend for a couple years when she was 3-5 years or so. "Nina", was real to her and came with us everywhere.
Scrazt, you are creating a situation by telling her the people are dead. If she wants to talk to them, let her. If she asks to call, then a therapeutic fib is in order.
Yes. You will find a lot of caregivers on here mention "therapeutic lies." What's the use in upsetting her, especially if she's going to forget again in a little while? Best thing to do is to not correct her. Distract her with another topic or something to look at if she starts to get worked up about something that can't be changed.
When you tell her that someone has passed she says couldn’t have, I was talking to them this morning. How do you redirect after a conversation like this?
If she specifically asks about their status, I don't know, I haven't heard anything.
It's okay that she is having fellowship with dead loved ones, she may be preparing to die.
This isn't about "lying".....its about common sense and not applying YOUR logic to a disease that has no logic. Lie like a rug as long as you can keep your loved one from feeling even more agitated or confused than they already are.
Best of luck!
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-method-for-dementia-calming-or-condescending-166707.htm
If she's actually asking whether a person is alive I would ask back - "what do you think?" and take cues from their response. The key I think is to try to enter their world and to offer reasonable explanations that fit within it -
scenario 1
Is Mary still alive?
I don't know, what do you think?
Well of course she is, I was talking to her just yesterday.
Oh, what were you talking about?
conversation follows... OR
None of your business!
That's okay. Would you like fish or chicken for supper tonight?
scenario 2
Why doesn't Mary ever call me!
I don't know, why do you think?
She probably busy with that boyfriend of hers.
You could be right. I'm sorry you are missing her, did you two like to play dolls when you were little?
Scrazt, you are creating a situation by telling her the people are dead. If she wants to talk to them, let her. If she asks to call, then a therapeutic fib is in order.