We moved my Mom to Assisted Living in February. The first location did not work out as it was too expensive and the financial stress was killing me. We had to move her to a smaller group home (not as nice). I still have to foot part of the monthly rent as her income is very low. We moved her closer to us thinking it was a good idea but now she has no one else to visit her but me and my husband. My MIL passed away in May and my Mother would not even attend the funeral but calls on my husband for help all the time. My Mom is mean, nasty and miserable. The staff at the home complain about her nonstop. It drives me crazy. They say she calls them names, she is demanding and uses too much TP. I tried to go one night a week and take her dinner. I made it two weeks and stormed off the last time as they continued to complain about her TP use and frankly I snapped. I am sick of the complaints on both ends. I have not been back and never hear a word from my Mom. She never calls anymore. She has stopped taking care of herself. She is dirty, teeth are rotten, hair is a mess and I cannot stand to see her like this as she never lived like this before. I am the only one left as my brother passed away 22 years ago and my Dad 7 years ago. I feel like I am abandoning her but at the same time, I cannot stand to go visit. Help!
I can only suggest, but if it were me and I was in the middle of this “war” like you seem to be, meet with the powers that be at the AL. Express to them that you are aware that this situation is not working for anyone. Mom is obviously not letting herself be taken care of. Don’t assign blame to anyone. Tell them that between you and them, you need to find a solution for all of you. Can she go into Skilled Nursing or should she be placed right into a locked Memory Care unit? If the AL doesn’t offer those options, go on the hunt for one that does. And, immediately apply for Medicaid. You shouldn’t have to be footing her bill.
Your other option is to walk away and start the process to make her a Ward of the State.
But as below said, she seems need to be not in AL, but in NH....
Hard...
If she is low income (makes less than $1400./month and has less than $2000. in the bank), she'll qualify for government assistance to pay her bill. Please look into that so YOU don't have to contribute financially.
Where did she come from (how many miles away)? If she had many friends in the old place she lived, it may be wise to look for a place there instead of living near you. Then you would have the excuse that you couldn't come every week because of distance but you'll come when you can.
Has your mother been tested for dementia? Many people with dementia don't have good personal hygiene.
Good luck. I hope all works out for you both.