Hi MartinG. My 21 year old daughter spots her dad and I when we go away for a night. She know where her grand ma 's insurance card is and what meds she takes. My mom has lived with us since before my daughter was born. Not saying any of us like this situation. But my daughter has no problem coming home if I say we need a break.
My children feel sorry for her and just say poor mom but have no understanding of how difficult it is getting for me. When I tell them how it is they say they can't handle it and prefer I don't speak of it.
I'm sure you will get responses from others that have been /are in your situation. My situation in re: to a child's involvement is so unusual because my mom has lived with us for my daughters entire life so in that respect. I probably would discuss with her if her dad developed dementia.
Can you afford to go to therapy, like once a week or once every other week?
Your children may be scared of what the future will hold for your wife and for everyone in the family. Maybe your children just don't know how to deal with your wife's illness so they'd rather shut it down than to talk about it because talking about it makes it actually too real and makes them face the reality of the here and now. I think they'll come around when they're ready but you need to give them time and space to adjust. Meanwhile, you need support now, so consider therapy from an outside source.
A support group for people who are taking care of loved ones with dementia would be very helpful, in my opinion.
And you can come here and vent all you want! We understand.
Do you children sometimes help with their mom? Come and stay with her while you take a break? Take her on an outing? I think you should request that if they haven't volunteered. It will be good for you to have some respite, and will expose them to reality.
What Jeanne said, this is the place to be..."vent"...it saved my sanity and brings me clarity and comfort EVERYDAY! Read, read, read here Martin. What I'm going thru as caregiver, no one gets it, or understands the emotional craziness of the ups n downs with someone i love and is also driving me nuts. So I run here everyday!!! You will be okay...
Martin, I'm so sorry to read your post. This is terribly hard on you.
On the question of whether you should make your children listen or spare them, there's a fine line to tread isn't there? - they need to hear the truth, but not be hit over the head with it; plus I do think you should feel entitled to expect their appreciation of what you're going through and how their mother's care needs are going to increase. The Alzheimer's Society might have some useful literature you could share with them, perhaps; and you could also look for caregivers' support groups in your area.
Please do feel free to vent here - we understand. Hugs.
This must be very stressful for you MartinG. I don't know much about your situation, but, are you your wife's primary caretaker? What stage is your wife in? Have your children indicated any concern with you providing her care? I ask this, because, sometimes the adult children are concerned that the healthy parent maybe overly exerted when caring for a person with dementia. It is a full time job and extremely stressful. Are you able to take breaks and do any of your own activities anymore?
It could be that the adult kids are afraid of the future. I might send them some links for videos on dementia and ask them to take a look. That way, it's up to them when they digest the information. You can't force them to do it, but, I might just ask once and let them make the decision. Eventually, they will see what the condition does to a person when they visit your wife. Understanding the condition is really crucial. If they would do just a little reading, I think they would get that.
I'm very sorry your adult children are not receptive to hearing about their mother's condition. I know its hard. We all want to vent to our families but sometimes they don't have the compassion or patience for us. I am going through this too with my grief. Friends and family want me to move on. Please consider talking to counsellor or therapist or joining a support group. Or continue posting here, we'll be here to listen and support you in anyway we can.
I find that sometimes when talking is tough, a written letter or email is better. It allows time to read and reread...both writer and reader. I also suggest you get them each a copy of the 36 Hour Day. This may help them out as well. And come here to vent all you want!
Your children may be scared of what the future will hold for your wife and for everyone in the family. Maybe your children just don't know how to deal with your wife's illness so they'd rather shut it down than to talk about it because talking about it makes it actually too real and makes them face the reality of the here and now. I think they'll come around when they're ready but you need to give them time and space to adjust. Meanwhile, you need support now, so consider therapy from an outside source.
And you can come here and vent all you want! We understand.
Do you children sometimes help with their mom? Come and stay with her while you take a break? Take her on an outing? I think you should request that if they haven't volunteered. It will be good for you to have some respite, and will expose them to reality.
What I'm going thru as caregiver, no one gets it, or understands the emotional craziness of the ups n downs with someone i love and is also driving me nuts. So I run here everyday!!! You will be okay...
Sending you the best Martin 😊
On the question of whether you should make your children listen or spare them, there's a fine line to tread isn't there? - they need to hear the truth, but not be hit over the head with it; plus I do think you should feel entitled to expect their appreciation of what you're going through and how their mother's care needs are going to increase. The Alzheimer's Society might have some useful literature you could share with them, perhaps; and you could also look for caregivers' support groups in your area.
Please do feel free to vent here - we understand. Hugs.
It could be that the adult kids are afraid of the future. I might send them some links for videos on dementia and ask them to take a look. That way, it's up to them when they digest the information. You can't force them to do it, but, I might just ask once and let them make the decision. Eventually, they will see what the condition does to a person when they visit your wife. Understanding the condition is really crucial. If they would do just a little reading, I think they would get that.