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Its been 7 years of prison. I'm alone, I'm tired and I cant put her in a home. I'm done. Toast. Forget this 'caregiver' thing where I have to take care of myself- I cant! There isn't anyone to help me. She is not Nursing Home material. She is too ill with too many health issues including peg feeding. If I put her in a Home, she'll be dead in a few months with the kind of care they give. I have no relatives. Its me and only me. She is pretty much bedridden. I'm afraid to put her on Medicaid because what LITTLE money is in the bank is what we pay our bills with! I cant give that up to Community Medicaid! I am on disability too and don't bring in any money. I'm thinking of putting in an add in Craigslist for someone to live with me for free rent and pick up the slack here so I can put my head on my pillow. I'm now 62! This started when I was 53! I'm sad, depressed, and too tired to go OUT to get therapy, or see a doctor. I just want to got to bed when I have any down time. I don't know how to handle this.

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Francyn, I don't know if you have actual experience with nursing homes or have just been listening to tales. Where is your mom going to be if you drop dead from caregiving -related stress?

My mom would be dead several times over if she WERE NOT in a nursing home.

First thing, make a list of Nursing homes in the area and, via phone, get her on waiting lists. Start her Medicaid application. Talk to the folks at your local Area Agency on Aging about local resources.
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The only solution for you is to put her in a nursing home, most likely one that accepts medicaid. She's bedridden and you sound unable to deal with the level of care needed. Otherwise you both are going to have much shorter and much more miserable lives.
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Francyn, you mentioned regarding nursing homes "with the type of care they give", which tells me you believe in a very old stereotype of nursing homes. Please go out and visit the facilities that are in your area, I am sure Long Island must have many nice places to choose from. Otherwise, your Mom will outlive you, and guess where she would be living... in a nursing home.

And when Mom is settled into her nursing home, go out and do some volunteer work to gear up your skills. You said you can't work, but if you stand back and look at the past 7 years, you WERE working, just not getting paid.
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I may not have answers for you, but I can relate, dear person. Maybe your mom would qualify for a hospice facility. Hospice is expanded, and covers more conditions (like Parkinsons) than they used to, diagnoses that don't necessarily have the "terminal in 6 months" criteria. Also, medicaid doesn't take the house if you are living in it, they don't count that as an asset. You would have your own disability income, plus rent from a boarder. I made a flyer asking for volunteers from local churches (after our Hospice said they couldn't get any volunteers for elder-sitting in my home for 6 weeks!). You might make some new friends that way too. Bless you. Maybe there is a medication that could help her sleep better and more reliably, so you could get your sleep. That's the most important thing for you, uninterrupted sleep will give you back your mind, heart, and energy for living.
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God Bless you.
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There are small nursing homes that are quite nice.....start a new search with an open mind. Skilled nursing facilities are geared to care for your mother's needs.
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Oh one more suggestion -- try calling a senior center. They usually have one staff member who gives advice about resources and can look at income, brainstorm with you what ARE your options, help you know what you qualify for, and how that medicaid application will affect your living expenses. If they don't have that, they'll have a referral for you.
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My heart goes out to you, Francin, You dear lady. My close friend Janie made a promise to her parents that she would never, ever, place them in a "home." She took amazing care of them and had good home care to help. Finally, the day came when the Dr. told her the end is near and she must move them to a facility. She cried, then she looked at several places and moved them to one she felt comfortable with. Well, they both thrived there. Like a plant that gets watered they lived longer and more comfortably than anyone predicted. Consider a trial period someplace that will work with you. This is a big decision to make only when you are more rested and not emotionally upset. You are reaching out by posting on this site. That is great first step to improving your life.
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I agree with senior center. They have usually great staff who are well trained. If you want you can contact one in your area and ask for a tour appointment. They are usually happy to do so. Then if she likes it you can schedule her some time there and you can breathe and have you time!
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Hey Francyn - what did you decide to do about caring for Mom? Were you able to bring in help? Did you find out if her income and assets were low enough she could get Medicaid or a Miller trust to help with support? Hope you are feeling better...
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