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My NJ dad is mentally incompetent and VERY abusive. I'm his healthcare & durable POA. I don't want to be his healthcare POA, but I will continue to pay his bills. He is getting released from a hospital to a long term care facility and the hospital is telling me I have to continue to be his guardian. What can I do? I know in NJ you can walk away from your parents (I don't want to do that), but I don't want to be in charge and no one else does either. Do we have any immediate options?

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Terry, I do see your point. Knowing Maggie, I don't think she intended to be flippant; she was just using a colloquial expression. But I can see that the OP might have misinterpreted it.
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GardenArtist, with all due respect, telling someone to "pull up their big girl panties" is a rude statement when she could have said something more appropriate like "you have to be stronger that ever and now you must do...." She may not have considered it rude, but I also thought it rude when I read it. Sometimes, a person feels like they are at the end of their rope and the last thing they need is a flippant answer like that. We all just want to help; some more than others but I guess after reading some of these comments, something rude comes out even when you don't mean it to be so.
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Burned out, I want to stick up for every one who offered what you considered unsolicited advice. They were trying to help, not be rude, and that determination is unjustified.

Posters come here to ask advice, and often learn there are other options or issues that can affect and/or help their decision. That's all people here are trying to do is help you. To conclude that they're rude is inappropriate.
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I meant due to your health concern, not do to. Typing too fast.
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If I were you, I would just get him signed into the long-term care facility and then notify them and everyone else that do to your health concerns, you are no longer his medical POA. If you can call the elder care attorney one more time, notify them of your actions and make sure they understand you can not and will not make any more decisions for him. Give them names and phone numbers of your siblings and let her contact one of them to see if they will accept being the medical POA. If all else fails, I think the attorney will petition the judge to award a trustee to be the POA If you can't. I don't know your reasons you don't want to be but you seem quite adamant that you can not be there for him so I don't think anyone at the hospital can force you. Hopefully, the attorney can help you further and good luck.
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Burned, if all you want to know is how to resign medical and not financial PoA, and not a more comprehensive view about how to handle this situation, then your lawyer is your best bet.

It seems like the best placement for your dad right now would be a long term care facility with a psychiatric specialty that will accept him Medicaid pending, not a regular nursing home. Work with the discharge planners at the hospital to find the correct place.

Has he been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist at the hospital ? Are they trialing him on meds to ease his agitation and psychosis?

If my relative was acting out in a nh setting, I would not pick them up. I would have them sent by ambulance to the nearest psychiatric emergency room.

Sorry for giving advice. Most of just can't help ourselves.
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@UncleDave: There are no attorneys involved as we are a poor family. There is an Eldercare attorney who has spoken to me in the past for free. She told me to call her anytime. I hope she remembers her promise.
@JeanneGibbs and @Maggie Marshall: My dad is abusive to everyone around him. His HHA's whom he let me put in the house 3 days a week told me no one will put up with him. The nurses in the hospital told me he is extremely difficult. I imagine that he will be thrown out of nursing home after nursing home because of this. I've met plenty of sons, daughters and spouses that have received calls at midnight telling them to pick their relative up in the morning. My sister is a hospice nurse and sees this all the time. She said this will probably happen more than once with our father.

I am not in good health and to sacrifice what little I have left for a dad who has turn psychotic is certainly not a good choice for me. It's not just signing him in, it's taking calls all night long, it's the stress of someone telling me to pick him up and find another place for him.....I've pulled up my big girl panties so many times in the past 5 years that one more tug just might break them.

That said, I asked a question about having to be his medical POA. I didn't ask anyone's opinion on what I should do. I appreciate your answers on my original query, but to offer your unsolicited sentiments is downright rude.
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{Q}You tell the hospital that you are NOT his guardian and you resign from the medical POA position.{EQ}

First suggestion; put everything in writing send by registered mail.

If luck has it and he has a lawyer refer all matters to lawyer.

Notify the lawyer who drew up healthcare POA.

Try to locate anyone or organization who has the healthcare POA and notify it is cancelled

Talk with your own lawyer.
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Distancing yourself from a father who has been abusive all your life is good self-preservation. Abandoning a "wonderful father" when he losing control of his mind is a different matter.

I am glad you are willing to continue as POA to get Dad established on Medicaid.

What is it exactly that you are being asked to do get him discharged from the hospital and into an appropriate care facility? What are your objections to doing that? I agree with Maggie. If this man has been a wonderful father it seems he deserves some support in his time of need. Not support that will ruin your life or break your health or be a huge burden. But at least support to get into a suitable environment.

If you can explain what aspects of "being in charge" of this transition are most bothersome to you, maybe some who have been through similar things can offer you some support.
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Here's the deal. Ride this rough spot. You say he was a wonderful father. Right now? You need to be a wonderful daughter. I don't know what guilt you're carrying, but dad is out of it. He trusted you enough to appoint you. How about putting on your big girl panties, signing him in and giving everyone a chance to make their arrangements???

A wonderful father deserves your best. He's mean now? Don't see him. But help your father. You will NEVER be sorry.
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Thank you for your reply. I think the hospital is trying to force my hand. I have 5 other siblings, none of whom want this responsibility as well. The hospital needs to release him to a long tern care facility and they are saying it will take too long for the state to be his guardian. Doesn't someone have to sign him into a facility? I had to for my mom. I still carry that guilt.

I have to remain his durable POA as I started his Medicaid application and have to complete a small spend down. I've been taking care of his finances for almost a year now. He's turned mean, but he was a wonderful father before he got sick.
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You tell the hospital that you are NOT his guardian and you resign from the medical POA position.

You cannot be forced to "be in charge." If your dad was declared by a court to be incompetent to make his own decisions and you were appointed to be his legal guardian, then you may need to go through some formal steps to resign, but even then you can resign.

It sounds to me like Dad should be a ward of the state. There is no particular benefit to him of having you handle what little finances he has.

If you wish to maintain contact, visit him in the care center.
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can't spell I too stressed
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lein - argh!
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Thanks for your reply. I pay his bills only. He is living in poverty and will be going into a facility under Medicaid. His owns nothing. Medicaid has a lean on his mobile home.
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You can't be forced to be your dad's anything.

You are no hid guardian unless you have been do appointed by a judge. The hospital had no authority over you to act in any manner on behalf of your dad. Tell the social workers that you are no longer going to be his HCPOA. If there is a successor HCPOA in dad's documents, inform that person in writing immediately and give the hospital that person's name and contact information.

It is interesting and even somewhat troubling that you have chosen to handle his financial affairs. Expect people to be rather surprised.
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