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Our mother doesn't have much time left and I have an open door policy when it comes to anyone visiting our mother. I ask that they please call ahead of time so I can put up my dogs and I also ask they end their visit prior to 7pm when my husband who gets up at 1am for work goes to bed (we have a small house and I don't want him woke up plus my dogs bark at anyone who doesn't live here). My sister has came to visit our mother 3 times in the 2 months she has lived with me. Hospice has been involved since she got here. We are starting into the end days/weeks and my sister brings up that she will come stay over for a few nights to help me out (no one beside my husband and hospice have helped up to this point). I told her I don't mind if she gets here bright and early each morning and leaves by 7pm at night but I cannot deal with someone sleeping over. Needless to say that didn't go over well. She uses the excuse she doesn't have a ride to come visit (we live 20 mins apart) and I have told her I would come pick her up whenever my husband is home to watch our mother to which she has never taken me up on. My sister and I do not get along well at all but I have tried to put aside our issues for our mother's sake but I cannot have her in my house over-night! She is an alcoholic but supposedly not drinking at the moment (not too sure of this cause she hides it alot)...she has some very strange and weird behaviors possibly from brain damage from years of drugs and alcohol abuse and a head injury...she hallucinates at times...and add the bad feelings I have to push down when she is here...I can't deal! I know I can't deal with her here but I also feel bad about it too. If our mother doesn't pass in her sleep or something without warning and she gets to the last days type of thing then at that point I would let her come stay. I am so torn inside...she wont come visit for the whole day but wants to come stay for days in my home...I just don't understand. If she found a way here (her boyfriend could drop her off before he goes to work) I have told her I would drive her home once my husband was home to watch our mother....but she never comes. One visit she had was for 45mins, the other two were whole family get togethers Thanksgiving and Christmas (hospice told us we needed to have it early). Am I being a hateful mean person?

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Tirednworn: I think you are walking on thin ice. My father use to demand that all of us be in bed with lights out at 9pm just like him. He had to be up early for work and if he was awakened during the night he could not go back to sleep. This was a very serious matter in our home and one adhered to tightly!

I also relate to the sister issues and I think she may have wanted to help relieve you of whatever stress and strain could possibly go on at the end is why she offered to spend days with you. The thing is if she has only been there 3 times in the last two months and one visit was 45 minutes, I would have to wonder how serious or how well she actually is. If you depended on her could she live up to being there to help? Would she flake out or show up a bit drunk?

In my opinion I would say, "Susan, I really appreciate you offering to come and stay nights to help me out with Mom, when she gets worse. I have to say that this is hard for me as Bill has to get up early in the morning and at 7 pm each evening everything in our house has to shut down and just basically become quiet so he can sleep to get up for work. Because of his schedule it makes it almost impossible for you to spend the night, although I want you to know that I do appreciate the offer, very much! Let's just wait and see how things go, and if there is a time when Mom becomes quite ill, I will call you and let you know that you need to come over now to see her and be with us. Now at this time I do appreciate you coming over to see Mom and you are welcome to come as long as you call ahead so i can lock up the dogs. Thank you again for your offer I do appreciate it!

Although I feel like you about going our different ways, I have to say that I think we all need to deal with these feelings and see if we can forget and forgive what has happened in the past. The anger we carry with us will destroy us, not so much the other person.

Captain, your sister was living her last moments with HER mother and who knows what memories she may be reliving when her head was resting against your mothers.... just because you may have taken care of your Mom it does not mean that your sisters did not love her too and they have every right to say goodbye in any way they see fit, just as you did.
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Thank you so very much everyone...I also spoke with the hospice social worker and nurse about the issue today and they said about the same things as ya'll! I know my sister isn't thinking about us having any moments...we both know that relationship is long over...too much damage over the years. Sadly to say, once our mother passes I will be going my way and leave her to her own life...I just don't have the energy to try to help her any longer when she wont help herself. I will keep the peace for our mother's sake then out of respect that she is family I will just fade away from her life. No more ugliness needs to be spread. Once again, Thank you!!!
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I agree with all the answers given so far...most all families have a difficult member to deal or not to deal with.....don't beat yourself up re. your sister you have to deal with #1 right now....your mom...go easy on yourself.
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You are not being mean, you are protecting your sanity.
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Countrymouse makes a very good point! Her sister stay over nearly three years ago, and she is nearly over it. It is your home, sister is 20 minutes from you, you have offered to transport her. That is plenty.
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It is YOUR home and you have the right to decide who visits YOUR home and when and for how long. You are not running a hotel. It is also not YOUR responsibility to ensure that your sister has transportation to see your mother. If it's so darn important to her, she can make her own arrangements. This is not selfish on your part, no matter what she says. In fact, I think it is selfish on HER part that she apparently does not care to be mom's end-of-life caregiver, but merely wants a ringside seat so she can pretend to be involved. Then she expects YOU to be inconvenienced so she can do that. Honestly!
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Do what is most comfortable for you. Tell your sister your feelings and agree with earlier post that for now, no overnights but when the time comes and hospice believes its final hours she's welcome to come and be at moms bedside even if it's overnight.

In the meantime, when she comes, try to get out by yourself if you trust her and get away for some of the time, that way you get some private time and step away from any drama.

If she's not trustworthy or you believe her visit will be upsetting, then do what is most comfortable for you and no regrets.
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i have an annoying sister. she wanted to camp out and make a spectator sport of moms final days / hours. i agreed to her staying a night or two but once when i went into moms room old three eyed fishface had her face pressed right up against moms . i asked her to please back out of moms personal space. i shudder to imagine how many dying elders have witnessed that image in their final hours. my sisters are " christians " and have never missed an opportunity to annoy a dying elder nor have ever missed a funeral. then theres fried chicken and pie afterwards. * sigh *
they should return to the depths of the ocean from whence they came imo.
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My sister came to stay overnight about three years ago, and thanks to careful preparation and a good deal of lip-buttoning (possibly on both sides) all went smoothly. I'm nearly over it now...

Do you think your sister is perhaps imagining some sort of bedside vigil, late night sisterly chats and reconciliations, that kind of fantasy? It would explain why she might feel hurt that you're watering down her suggestion. If you think that might be so, you could spell out once more the very good practical reasons that you do not allow anyone to stay overnight (nothing personal - even if it is, a bit!); but I don't see why you should budge an inch on the house rules.

Look, quite honestly you've got enough to worry about without this. If she's trying to help, it's not helping. Your schedule makes complete sense to me and I think you're right to stick to it. Nice enough of you to have offered to collect her. She'll just have to like it or lump it. Have a camp bed ready for her when the time comes, but if she then decides to have a hissy fit and stay away it certainly won't be your fault. You're being both fair and practical.

Three times in two months is, by the way, not as pathetic as you might think; especially if your sister hasn't got her own transport. By some standards it's actually quite devoted.

Hang on in there. Before long you'll never be obliged to have anything to do with your sister again unless you genuinely want to. I hope it isn't me being mean and hateful instead, but that's a thought I find quite a comfort at times. x
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In my mind - absolutely not. You are caregiving your mum, and working around your husband's schedule. That is a lot. That you are willing for sis to stay during the very last days tells me that your heart is in the right place. Your sister has some pretty serious problems and I totally understand that you need to protect yourself and your home from them, You have been very generous in various offers you have made that she has not taken you up on. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you for the very difficult job you are doing very well.
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