What would you do if you honestly did not trust anyone in your immediate family to be your POA?

Ange, you certainly may ask your attorney to be your POA, but you'll have to pay him. You'll really have to pay him, if you appoint him Executor.

I'm in the same boat, don't have competent family or friends.
They are all good folks but lake good judgement.
I am thinking of asking my Atty. to be my POA & executor.
It may be costly but then, mistakes, etc. would perhaps be more costly.
We Seniors need much more education/info on this topic !

the house is traffic stopping. my sons dont get that kind of earned pride. one of em is a paramedic in gary indiana. sometimes i wonder whos side hes on here. id give those stupid f***s a corkscrew and tell em to remove their own bullets. we are way different people..

my sons dont for one minute deserve the things that ive sweared blood to obtain. this aint funny but im likely to park two trikes in my garage along with my business truck and machinery and burn it all to the ground. im not hatefull or spitefull i just know that my sons do not understand pain and sacrifice. i didnt buy these things, i built them. ill leave them the jar full of nickles and metric bolts. theyre too ignorant to even appreciate those items. that was a good question deserving of a genuine answer. no, i dont know a soul who deserves the house that i built or my stash of used carburetors. some of these shits are high dollar mikunis..

Those of us on this site seem to be the most competent in our entire families, so what does happen to us? Gee I am fighting tooth and toenail to hang on just as long as I can and I hope that my 21 year old will grow up enough during that time to take care of me as my POA. At this moment she doesn't have a clue but she is the best and only person I have. My next choice would be going outside my family to my friend, however she is only a bit younger than I am and could wind up being in worse shape than me. I guess I will be sticking with my daughter and trying to educate her now on how to be my advocate.

I say money well spent, you can spend tons of money making the wrong moves, not to mention the aggro

Margarets...thank you for being objective. I don't have a large estate and I am concerned that using a trust company and working with a lawyer would take away any of the money that I would have to pass on :) I hate the fact that we all have to use lawyers for so much. They are sooooo costly!

@N1K2R3-Seriously? You're going to just blow off your credit card debt? Anyway, it doesn't work like that. Your debts get paid out of your assets FIRST, before anyone else, including your beneficiaries. Just ignoring the notices doesn't make the debt go away.
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@vstefans - Look into appointing a trust company as your PoA, perhaps as co-PoA. There are trust companies that specialize in exactly this for exactly this reason. They can keep an eye on finances and limit the damage your family can do. But you must discuss this in-depth with your lawyer, to make sure everything is written up to reflect your wishes.

I have thought about that question. I have also thought about the very serious duty of Personal Representative or Executor. My lawyer tells me that appointing someone "good at business decisions" is the way to go, not necessarily a family member. Get to know this person NOW, employ them in small services, and watch how they work. For example, my last will and testament clearly states that credit cards shall not be paid off after my death. This is different than most people would agree to. However, it is my wish that Notices to Debtors and Creditors be mailed from the courthouse to all whom I owe. If no repsonse is received within 90 days, then my estate is not responsible for these cards. Back to the Q....yes, you may appoint someone outside the family to be your POA, then death do you part.

Are you talking about your medical POA or a financial POA, as they are not the same thing? You can work with a lawyer to create an advance directive with your instructions about medical care in the event you are unable to make those decisions. You can even name your lawyer to carry it out if you have NO family or friends you trust. As for a financial POA, there is really no need to do that unless you are unable to handle your finances yourself. If you're talking about an executor, since you mention that most of the people in your life are not good with money, again, you can name your lawyer if you don't trust your family members or a friend. The lawyer would have a legal/ethical responsibility as your fiduciary to handle your estate in a responsible manner. If you have enough money to really be concerned about, you can also set up a trust and have a lawyer or a bank administer it.

After my mother-in-law died and we saw how my husband's sibs wanted to handle things during her final illness, we went to our attorney and had very specific advance directives drawn up. Our doctors all have copies, as does the local hospital. We also had very specific wills created, with separate lists of bequests which are stored with the wills. We did not want to leave anything to chance, after seeing how some family members swoop in like vultures to scoop up anything of value.

An elder guardian would be wise and write up a living will; you can write it yourself and get it notarized for it to be legal. Give it to a person you trust like your pastor.

After a lifetime of trials in family and relationships at home and abroad, it would seem one could come up with at least one other human being to be trusted upon with this position. If this is not possible, I am so sorry for your experiences. xo

The Guardianship piece I'm on a boomers against elder abuse and there is so much guardianship fraud...its frightening to me.

Ditto here. Sister, BIL and nephews haven't talked to me or mom in 5+ years; mom has Alzheimer's and I have no kids. Seems to me it would be a burden for a friend but perhaps if all the ducks were lined up perhaps not. If anyone lives in N. CA I would volunteer. i think you can have your/an attorney be the POA...any thoughts?

Find an attorney or really, really, really close personal friend with whom you trust your life with, and make them your POA. Do not take this decision lightly, as you life may depend on it someday. Good luck!

I have a son and 2 brothers that I trust with my life and my wishes....I am feeling very blessed about now.This was a great question. It made us think about ourselves.

Dear Seniornursing1, Very informative. I would like to think all states have the same services. Perhaps many do, but have different titles for similar types of help. The fact that you are versed in these directions clearly exhibits why you are a 'senior skilled nurse', whereas the doctors are still 'practicing'. (-; Thanks for the leads, they will hopefully translate to those services in our other states. Conformity seems to only show up at the federal level.

i built everything i own by hand . home, truck, trikes, car. i often wonder if my sons deserve these things considering how much i suffered to obtain them. people dont appreciate things they didnt suffer or sacrifice for. maybe ill systematically destroy the stuff when im old and sick. im a difficult person on a good day..

That's no problem. I use my accountant and attorney jointly for this.

Let me add, here .. Aside from not having resources (no health insurance or savings or more than a few hundred dollars of assets, including my dead car) .. I do not practice western medicine. My current living will, that I've had since I was 30-something, states "no invasive procedures" which includes needles. Basically a full blown DNR, if I'm unconscious. Wanna guess how hard that's gonna be to find facilities (or even individuals) to honor that???

{Begins her search for vials of insulin}

It is good to think this through. I know a lady who had no family close and only a nephew at a distance. She appointed two friends from her church - one medical and one financial. I think they shared the job of executor. It worked well. When I was on my own I thought my oldest son was the best choice as he is very logical, but also caring, keeps good relationships with the other two of my kids, and can do paperwork. He had some money problems, but since acquiring a very nice sig other has been stable for a number of years. Now I have a sig other who would do the medical part well, I think, but is a terrible procrastinator and not good with keeping records/paperwork. My daughter is a chartered accountant, but I don't have a good feeling about her handling anything. Our relationship has always been off and on. My other son's wife has spending problems and she and my daughter don't speak to each other. The family problems certainly come out at these times. I am very much in favour of giving it to professionals who have the skills and are at arm's length. I am POA and executor for my mother and would rather a professional had it. I suppose I can hire someone if it comes to that. My sister would sue me if she thought she could get any $$$'s out of it. Good luck! I say look for someone outside of the family.

Humm, what a question..but really makes you think. In my case my husband first and foremost (27yrs married), then my youngest dau, then my oldests daughter. I don't have favorites of my dau's but I know which one is more responsible and would honor my wishes....but would leave them both equal, if something was to happen to me.

I am without family, I will get my lawyer to handle my finances, etc per my directives. He can get a cut of the money when all is said and done and the rest goes to the Animal Foundation after they scatter my ashes, hopefully not over Hoboken, no offense to any from Hoboken.

Got to add about my Mom. In all fairness too, to our family members. When I was 39 my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, after treatment it spread to her brain. No one in our family had ever had to deal with anything like that at that point. Most everyone, I hate to say, scattered like scared mice, even my Dad wouldn't help, he made sure he had lots of work to do, brother denied she was even sick, oldest daughter did help, she took care of my youngest while I helped my Mom. I'd never dealt with caregiving until then, I took her to chemo appointments and sat with her through them, radiation appointments, I bought her clothes to wear, cleaned her house, cooked her meals, did grocery shopping, and when she was hospitalized I was there night and day. I made her funeral arrangements, my husband had to take my Dad to get them a cemetery plot because Dad hadn't even thought of that. I learned a lot, but I was not able to be a part of her medical decisions. She had good treatment, I know that now after everything else I've learned. I caregiving, in a perfect world, it would be nice if we all had someone we knew could do it all, but truth is, you really don't know for sure until it happens. Honestly my parents never would have thought I'd be the one to step up, they figured it would be my brother since they honestly favored him, but he ran with his tail between legs and basically never came back except when he needs money from Dad.

I am a skilled nurse who works for Senior Nursing Care Services in Michigan. We have patients in your position. Depending on income, you may qualify for Services through Child and Family Services. Around here, they work with various companies such as West Michigan Guardianship. These folks can take over and manage finances, POA services. Also contact your local Area Agency on Aging.

I'm in the same situation. I am right now having my estate worked over, working on adjustments for it with an attorney. I lost my husband last year, and realized you never know what might happen, and that would leave our property in the hands of a 20 year old daughter and an older daughter who has had several surgeries and who's health is not good. Older daughter is married, son in law is awesome, but I do not feel they would be fair to our younger daughter. I'm drawing up papers that my daughters and son in law are to sell my home, the proceeds will be handled by the attorney who will put the funds in a trust for my youngest, and my oldest will receive an equal share in payment, there's several years between my kids. But POA, still don't know what to do. Son in law gets in trouble all the time for not paying his own bills, oldest daughter has never had the responsibility because she lets her husband do it. Youngest daughter is actually more responsible, and steps up to do what's right than the oldest, but she's only 20. I'll probably make oldest POA, and change it to the youngest in five years or so. Hard stuff to deal with, hate to say it, but I'm glad I see here I'm not alone. Since the loss of my husband, and realizing I could not rely on what's left of my family to really handle things, it's kind of scary, when you think about yourself laying in a hospital bed and they have to make decisions.

There is no requirement that you name a family member. You may also turn to trusted friends, your faith community, or an elder law attorney. The important thing is to find someone who knows and respects your wishes, who is close enough to advocate for you, and who is willing to do so. There is an excellent website, compassionandsupport. That offers advice on choosing the best spokesperson for you.

It seems that the advice of an 'elder atty.' might be helpful. There are ads all over this site...
Sure wish you had spell checj, (-;

correction ... after what they PULLED ...

I've just been through 20 years a family caretaking, consternation with family and now complete estrangement, which will be forever and always okay with me after what they called (l was the caregiver, they manipulated the financial situation - heck, you've heard it all before, it's all over this website). Now I'll need to rely on one or more of my many friends...but which one(s) will take on the pleasure of THAT burden...? ?