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Punched in the face, feel stabbed in the back. For almost 15 yrs I have dealt with constant harassment from my husband's siblings while they plotted against their mother, saying awful things about both parents including abuse, molestation, and violence. They were planning to put her in a home as soon as their dad died and splitting the property. My husband is the only one of their kids who refused to do this and I have backed him up 110%. Even though his mum has always been very difficult, that doesn't mean she deserves what they planned for her. I would compare the things said about her to the things they made up about me when I didn't go along with them, and assumed they were just liars. Last year his father passed, then she had heart surgery and I was the only one who cared for her, since my husband worked and her other children were honestly hoping she would die. After that time she seemed to appreciate me more and believe my heart was in the right place. Finally we were able to move both his mother and mine all to one house where we could care for both of them easier. Like I mentioned, my MIL has always been difficult, but she has gotten so much worse in the last few months. I thought it was cabin fever, winter was hard this year. But as the weather gets better it has not improved. She is manipulative with my mother and others, trying to cause chaos between everyone, constant mood swings, refusal to listen to her doctors advice about blood sugar or anything else when we repeat it. As far as getting things done around the house she is still independent, but controllingly so, not allowing anyone else to help with housework. Even to the point of not letting anyone do their own laundry because "it is the wrong way". When it comes to eveything else though, bills, driving, medications, paperwork, everything... she is totally dependent on my husband and myself. All of this I deal with daily but now I can't take it. Last week after a whole day where she was getting increasing angry and agitated, because I told her to mind her own business about an issue with my mother her, she literally punched me the face. I was shocked really. My husband made it clear to her to her that she can never do it again. But she refuses to believe she did anything wrong, saying basically she's in charge and no one can argue with her and he can't tell her what to do. I am lost as to what to do, I have been avoiding her as much as possible until she apologizes, but like I said, she is so dependent on me that this just makes more of a burden for my husband. He thinks I am blowing it out of proportion but I don't feel comfortable around her, if she hits me i can't defend myself because I don't want to hurt her. I don't know if she is just getting violent because of dementia as she has had other issues with memory and such, or if all their stories of abuse were true and I just didn't believe because they lied about me so much. I have been having bad dreams about her smashing my teeth out. I also feel betrayed, since I have stood up for her so much and if she had done this to any of her kids, they would have pressed assault charges. I need advice, I have never wanted to put her in a home, that has always been my stance. But now don't even think assisted living is an option since she is becoming violent. I will probably move my mother into her own place nearby as the stress is bad for her heart, it will be harder but I am almost considering moving out with her. Who do I talk to? Her doctor maybe? Antipsychotic medication? I don't know

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This is just a ticking bomb - at least if she physically assaults you you can see her coming. What I would worry about is poison, burning the house down, etc., all to show she is in charge and will hit back. I don't think I could ever feel safe under the same roof, and your mother surely should not have to be coping with this.
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If this woman stays in your home, the next time she assaults you, you should defend yourself. Make sure your husband knows this. And you will call the police. And she will be gone.

I'm not even sure I would wait for there to be a next time. No one should put up with abuse like this, no matter what the reason.
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Your husband's adult siblings treated him badly as a child? They have made up false accusations against you? Who raised these misguided souls? Whether she was abusive or not, I'd say there is evidence she wasn't a very effective parent to the older children. Perhaps she has always been mentally ill. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her older children. But most of all I am very concerned for you and for your mother. Protect both of you -- that should be your first priority.
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MIL has dementia? Expecting an apology might not be realistic. And it would be no assurance that she won't do it again. In her mind she is right. She is in control and everyone has to obey her. She has the right to punish people who disobey her. Her damaged brain entertains these delusions as reality.

Whether or not she was abusive as a mother of young children, she is abusive now. I am always sympathetic to persons who have mental health issues and who can't always control their actions. They didn't ask for this, and it is sad. BUT, sympathetic or not, I do not think it is right for others to put up with abuse. My solution? Find a different living arrangement for MIL. Do not put yourself and your mother in harm's way. That does not help poor MIL and it is cruel to you and certainly to your mother, who deserves some peace at the end of her days.

Unless medications can help your MIL's aggressiveness, it may be that an Assisted Living facility will not accept her. A memory care facility is more likely to.

One way or another, for the good of ALL concerned, this woman needs to have a different living arrangement.
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You are not going to get an apology. She has dementia, and from the sounds of it, a condition that prevents folks from recognizing their impairments. Whether she abused the siblings or not is a moot point. Whether apologizes or not is a moot point. 

Go forward

Whether you need a referral for a geriatric psychiatrist or not depends on her insurance. I would fax a letter to her doctor, describing her recent worsening behaviors, including the physical attack on you
Ask what s/he advises.

From the sounds of it, she has longstanding psychiatric issues that your husband and his siblings are cognizant of. Don't let her take you and your mom down with her.

And if she falls, becomes violent or acts more erratically, call 911 and have her taken to the hospital for an evaluation. Do not accept discharge. Work with the social workers on an appropriate placement.
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You cannot allow her to physically assault you. You cannot allow it at all.

Tell your husband...you cannot and will not allow physical assault. Period. Not negotiable.

Next, seek a place for her that is able to deal with her aggressiveness that is emerging. Be honest about what is happening.

The next time she assaults you...call the police and ask for her to be taken into protective custody. They will take her to the psych unit of the local hospital for evaluation. While there...get her admission. Ready for the place you have found.

Get busy. Get prepared. And..get hubby prepared for this outcome.

Like Ann Landers always said. You cannot be a doormat if you will not lay down. Stand up for yourself and make plans to solve this!
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If you feel threatened call 911 and refuse to take her back.
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My mother just tries not to make waves but that isn't working. My husbands siblings were all adults when he was born and treated him badly since he was born because of this. They all claimed he was treated differently then they were, he was the only one who supposedly wasn't abused. I assumed they were lying because they have claimed I am into everything from identity fraud to murder and I have done nothing but dissagree with them. Also their behavior didn't line up with their stories, claiming molestation for instance and then still allowing her to babysit when it is convenient for them or because they are getting along that week. The way they behaved I believed it was all about the inheritance, as they are still to this day trying to get her property taken from her. Maybe she was violent to them, changed when she got older and had another child, now because of dementia is reverting to her old ways. I don't know. Meanwhile I am at wits end. My husband corrected her and told her violence won't be tolerated. It is not that he is making light of it, he just thinks I am making things worse by demanding an apology before going back to "normal". I just don't think I will feel confortable until she does.
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I get the feeling there is a lot of truth in what the siblings were saying and you are seeing it yourself. When your husband made light of his mother hitting you, I wondered if he was in denial about what she is like. I would have felt belittled if I had been told I was making too much out of it. It sounds to me like your MIL is making life miserable in your house. I know how difficult it is to move someone to a better place, particularly if your husband is not on board. Still I would try to work out something so that you and your mother don't ultimately end up being the ones who have to move. How does your mother handle this?
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Will her primary doctor have to write a refferal for that or can I just call and make an appointment? I don't know how I could convince her to go even if her doctor insisted. Any mention of her needing help results in angry outbursts. We are wrong in her eyes. Period. If her doctor disagrees with her she demands a new doctor. I would have to take her there without her knowing what is coming and it feels underhanded. She already mistrusts everyone. I guess it might be the only way.
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Has she been seen by a geriatric Psychiatrist? Her behavioral issues ( agitation and anxiety) might be helped by meds.

You might think about having her admitted to a psychiatric or Senior Behavioral unit for evaluation and treatment.
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I have read about peoples parents being kicked out of assisted living because they were violent.
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Why do you believe that facility care is not an option for someone who is physically dependent, mentally ill and aggressive?
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