My Dad moved in with Us (My Husband, Myself, & my Two Girls) last August (2020). Previously, he lived with my brother for 7 years. My Dad is not and has never been financally stable. He has not prepared for this time in his life. He is 68 years old & has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia. He has been out of work for almost two years but prior to that he worked everyday as truck driver. He has an aortic valve in his heart & pacemaker, which means he is on lots of meds. His doctor has just recently deemed it too dangerous for him to drive which is extremely distressing for him. He does not understand why he can't drive and I cannot explain it to make him understand. He is argumentative about most everything. He has developed an incredible dislike for his doctor who he has been seeing for several years because all the restrictions that she is now having to put into place due to his mental state failing. My Dad is still able to feed, bath, & dress himself which is a blessing in itself.
My Girls & I were some of the happiest people we use to know. Since August, my House/Home feels like a cage. My girls have took to locking themselves in their rooms. I never know what I'm going to walk into when I get home from work in the evenings. We use to spend all of our time together in the living watching TV or in the dining room putting together puzzles. We very rarely see each other now because we all do our best to avoid any contact with My Dad which unless ends in a fight. He tries to "parent" my girls and as a result they are now resenting him. He tries to "help" around the house and usually ends up messing something up which we have to fix. We are constantly looking for things that have always had a place up until he moved in. My girls, who get home before I do, have come home to the smell of a burning pot on the stove or the smell of what could only be described as a "dirty diaper" when he has had an accident. We find ourselves getting home later & later so as not to have to deal with the situation as long on a daily basis. I have recently found myself going from calm to loudly livid over the smallest things. To add to My dad's distressing mental state, the house that My Family lives in is my "Homeplace", the house that my grandfather built that my Dad grew up in. My brother & his wife have "stepped away" from the situation and I can understand why. Their kids are still in therapy from Dad living with them for so long. My Dad's only source of income now is Social Security. No Savings, No Retirement. When my Dad moved in with us his bank account was nearly $1000 in the negative. As of Dec 2020, I became his POA which I have to hear about almost on a daily basis. I have tried to find help funding an assisted living setting but according to DSS he makes too much $$. My eldest daughter has left twice overnight in the last eight months. My youngest daughter is now so bitter that you never know how she's going to react to any given situation.
On the flip side of the situation, when my Husband is home Dad will not argue with him & I have learned that Dad did not cross my brother either.
I am truly at my wits' end.
I totally understand how you feel. Your home really isn't your home anymore. It's become an elder care facility. You, your kids, and your husband don't deserve to be living in what you are currently living in.
The only answer to your situation is that your father has to live elsewhere. He needs to be safe in an assisted living facility.
If he's low income like you say, the government will subsidize him if he meets the financial requirements. If your father is already incontinent and in diapers then it's likely he will be placed in a nursing home rather than an AL.
He has to go though. Learn from your brother and his family's experience having your father with them for seven years.
Make a call to your state's Department of Social Services and see about getting an appointment with a social worker who can help you find the right level of housing for your father and about financial assistance.
In the meantime, you know there is always the last resort option which is to do an ER dump. Take him to the hospital and tell them you need what is called a 'Social Admit'. Then tell them you are unable and unwilling to continue being his caregiver and that you will not allow him to return to your house to live. The hospital will send a social worker to speak to you. Then they will admit him into the hospital and keep him there until they find a care facility who will take him.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope you get your home back soon.
Talk with a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) they can guide you through this difficult situation.
One thing for certain, his choices don't mean that he gets to ruin his entire family. I would be very tempted to do an ER drop and tell them that he can't come back to your home, as it is an UNSAFE DISCHARGE.
Sometimes an ER dump is the only way to get some assistance. It's always sad when it had to come to that. What's sadder is that many times it's the only way.
You need to have caregivers some in, paid by dad, and care for him when you are not at home.
Have you looked into Adult Day Care for him? That would have him out of the house, under care while you are at work.
Is dad a Veteran? If so depending on where and when he served the VA may be able to provide a little help to a LOT of help.
Is your dad getting a pension? Is that why he is making too much to qualify for assistance? I never like the idea of someone "hiding" money but in a case like this you might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney to determine if there is a way that his funds can go into a irrevocable trust so that he would qualify for assistance and the Trust can be used for his care as well. That could be anything from making the house accessible so that he can remain there to providing funds to hire caregivers.
A Qualified Income Trust is the route to go for these situations, not trying to hide the money.
A good certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) can set all of this up.
Thank God you hold the POA.
Dad has dementia. He is formally diagnosed. You now have the responsibility, but also the legal right, to do what is best for him in terms of his safety and respectful care, AND allows you to balance your caregiving (in absentia) with the peaceful and stable life of you, your husband, and your children.
Begin to describe him and THINK OF HIS SITUATION AS, SOMEONE WHO IS UNABLE TO LIVE IN MY FAMILY SETTING.
Start today to do some task EVERY DAY that must be done before placing him. Get the paperwork/online information about If you need legal input, contact LEGAL AID, and do EVERYTHING YOU DO in your father’s name/your signature POA.
Determine how to establish your father’s financial status as “indigent”, so that you know how to navigate that in relation to what his care is costing you now.
Have you spoken to the social services department in your nearest public residential facility? Although my present LO is self-pay, the social service staff in her facility gave me information that was helpful to me when she entered full time care.
Does your father pay “room and board” in your home? Are you his “designated payee” for his Social Security ? Are you keeping his debts to you for his care completely separated from your immediate family’s finances?
Speak to his doctor about a trial of medication to make his conduct more manageable in his interactions with others in your home. It is unfair to all of you that you are interacting with someone with a broken brain, but until you are able to move him to suitable residential placement you MUST regard his behavior as something that he cannot fully co tool, and something YOU ALL do not have to accept as your responsibility. You can be sure that WHEN he is placed in a residential care setting, either he will respond submissively OR he will be medicated so that his behaviors can be managed. Neither situation is happening g now in your home.
Try to keep always in mind that this is TEMPORARY, PENDING HIS PLACEMENT IN RESIDENTIAL CARE. The sooner you can get him placed, the sooner you can reclaim what your husband and daughters and YOU YOURSELF deserve.
Sincere hopes that you can soon regain your balance..
Sadly, your father’s situation is not going to improve, nor will the family dynamics that you are experiencing now that your father is living with you.
I would speak to Council on Aging in your area to help you pinpoint your dad’s needs. They will send someone to your house to do an assessment of your dad’s situation. I would also speak to his doctor’s office for a contact name, number and email for a social worker to explore your options for placement in a skilled nursing home with memory care.
There are in person support groups for caregivers. I attended one before Covid and it helped. A therapist can help enormously by guiding you to see your situation more objectively. Include your daughters in therapy.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Please take action ASAP, as your family doesn't deserve to suffer like they are. You can't get this time back with your children, and you certainly don't want to have to live with any regrets.
Stand strong as a family, and get done what you know in your heart needs to be done. Best wishes.
I am sorry to put it so bluntly but you now have to save your family. Your father needs to enter long term care. He will need to be on medicaid. I wish you luck in all this. It is your decision to make; it cannot be made without grief, but it is crucial. If you need counseling to enable you to gather the strength to do this, then do see a licensed social worker trained in Life Transitions work.
As to living in the "homeplace" you will need to see an elder law attorney. The home may need to be sold for Dad's care; or you may be able to stay there until your father dies and Medicaid does the clawback on your Dad's estate. Your family will need to be ready to sustain itself with its own home, its own jobs, and to provide for your children. Whether or not you can remain in the family home, caretaking it until your Dad's death, remains to be seem; you need expert advice on this rather than those of us who do guesswork on Forum.
Sure do wish you good luck. This was the inevitable outcome. Early Alzheimer's does reduce families just to where you are at this point. I am so sorry and wish you the best.
When I said that we live in our "homeplace", I probably should have elborated. My Husband & I bought my "homeplace" in 2008. We have lived there with our Girls ever since.
My Dad just moved in with us back in August of last year. This house is the house my Dad grew up and due to his mental condition, being back in our house causes his condition to be much worse. Alzheimer patients tend to revert back in time.
Again, thank you. I appreciate all the advice I can get during this time.