I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.
I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.
She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.
She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.
Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.
Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?
Thanks for listening.
And some of this is the NH responsibility to let you know what is going on.... so know you are a loving daughter doing the best you can, and if you want you to take care of you.(lol) then give yourself a hug and know you can only do so much.... guess this makes some of us grateful for our own mess.... hugs and angels for you....
Take it from someone in the same boat.
(Can she be given a sleeping pill to cut her nails?)
Ladee, I believe I am doing the best I can and I would be happy with my care!
I have thought about a caregiver spending more time with her, but she is so antisocial. Nancy, she is not agoraphobic, as she will wonder out of her room and she can be sweet as pie to your face.....but behind your back her comments can be hurtful. That is probably the dementia. She says stuff like if they touch me I'll shoot them or kick them in the a__! She comes from a generation that was very bigoted....need I say more.
On her good days, I can get her to sing songs with me and I try and tell her jokes. Lately, the good days seem so few and far between.
She doesnt shower, says she does all the work around the room and helps her roommate. She does putter around straightening up things and making her bed. Won't watch tv or read. Just sits and looks out the window. Won't participate in any activity. I believe she is afraid of looking foolish.
Regardidng the foot/toenail issue. A podiatrist has stopped by several times and each time she has refused to let him look at her feet. She tells me she can take care of them herself. She does not have the tools to do the job and beside, the nursing home won't let her have scissors or sharp objects for safety reasons. I make the mistake of sending her a manicure/pedicure set and they took it away. This was before I realized how bad the nails really gotten.
There is no way they are going to help her unless they anesthetize her and that probably will entail a trip to the hospital. She won't want to go. I agree that she has a phobia. Once in another nursing home, they took her to the showers and she freaked. Funny, how they never forget the traumatic events, but can't remember what they had for breakfast.
It is pretty horrible to watch her go through this emotional pain. Truthfully, I don't think she would act any different if she was living under my own roof, or in her own home.She always was very judgemental toward her neighbors. I found old letters that she would write them and she was always complaining about this one or that one. As it got more pronounced I began to realize that mentally she was changing. I am sure her quality of life would suffer greatly if she was allowed to live on her own and I wouldn't consider it at this point. Oh, BTW, she won't eat in front of people either. Has her meals delivered to her room.
Thank again. In case I didn't mention it, I live in SW Washington, she lives in Southeast Florida! Not a good thing cause I have control issues too! However, I have not lived near where my parents lived since 1964 when I married and moved away.