How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

Question

How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

Follow

Share

I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.

I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.

She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.

She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.

Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.

Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?

Thanks for listening.

156 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2 3 4 5

Oh so true, sonswife!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Forty years ago when I met my mil she was vigorous, critical and demanding. After twenty years of trying to please her, I realized that I could continue exerting a lot of energy trying to make her happy and never be successful. Now she is frail, confused and living in the nursing home. I don't feel the responsibility of making her happy. Being happy is an internal function, not something others do for you or to you. I visit her, assure she is safe and is surrounded by things she used to enjoy doing. She chooses not to do or does not have the initiative to do things that gave her pleasure 6 months ago. We've tried one antidepressant without much response and are moving on to another one. It is unfortunate that our negative personality traits become stronger when our internal "social editors" break.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Hey, listen, they will work you over if they can. Just let it go, she wants to complain and be miserable. It's her life, if that's how she wants to live it. I am sure she doesn't like the nursing home but she had a choice to go to assisted living and declined it. She has denial. It's not uncommon and if the parent was very independent they take their loss of independence out on everyone who is trying to help them. I just shrug my mom's complaints off, I used to let them bother me. Now I figure it's just her way of venting and I don't let it affect me personally anymore. She even tries to slug me sometimes and I just catch her fist in mine and hold it until she calms down. Then I distract her with something, usually food. She is in a nursing home and there isn't a lot you can do for her; it's their job to figure out what to do. So why torture yourself with it? Accept it or move her somewhere else or put her in a car/plane and take her to your house.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I see this post was written almost a year ago. I did not read the entire thread (92 comments), but I wanted to say that I hope your situation is better. I hope your Mom is happy and that you can acknowledge that you're doing the best you can for her and nothing you did put your Mom in the situation she's in.

It's hard for her to deal with the emotions she has/had? and she's using you as her whipping post (she has no-one else) to relieve her depression. I've often said on this site that understanding the root of mean behavior is part of the solution to dealing with it.

If you haven't already, try to get your Mom some mental health help. She needs to talk to someone about her feelings so that they don't bottle up and vent out on you or anyone else for that matter.

I've been there and understand how YOU feel as the daughter. And a daughter with her own health challenges, at that!

Best advice, take care of yourself first. Get healthy so that you can take good care of Mom. Use as many resources as possible to help Mom (it doesn't have to be on your shoulders alone), and realize that your Mom's health may not be fixable, but she's still alive. She still has wants and desires and goals.

Love up on her as much as possible. I can't imagine myself living in a NH or AFH/AL environment. I hope I never have to. Your Mom may be the same way, and the adjustment may never happen.

Be as sweet to your Mom as you can. Step away when you need the break and foremost remember to take care of your health!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

It appears that you are doing all you can, without sacrificing your life, and it sounds like it you did give up your life, she still wouldn't be happy. Yes, our loved ones tend to save all the complaining for those closest to them. I'm sure they asked her if she wanted her hair done and she said yes and then forgot. Maybe the next time you call talk with the staff first before talking to your mom then you will be prepared for the complaining session. At this point, you become the parent and just have to put your foot down lovingly of course. Had to do that with my mom, this is the way it is, end of discussion, she of course pouts, but gets over it. Best of luck and don't feel guilty

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Whatever you do will NEVER be enough! So just do what you can and continue on with your life.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Ohhhh, the guilt, the guilt!!!! My 86 year old mom moved here a year ago. She was NOT happy about it but finally agreed when I had an emotional "come to Jesus" meeting with her. It is such a blessing that she is here but she is still resentful that she had to leave her home...she has tried to make the best of it but still complains of being bored and having too much time on her hands. I see her every day even if just for a few minutes, she has a fabulous caregiver that comes three times a week and takes her wherever she wants to go, a lady who visits for an hour and a half once a week and two neighbors who are very attentive, not to mention MOW twice a week, BUT thats still not enough to keep her happy. When the weather is good she is happier because she can garden but she still always reminds me that she has SO much time on her hands and has started to call me more often (I live about two minutes from her) to sort've let me know that she wants more attention. She refuses to go to any kind of group activity because she "doesnt want to be around all those old people" and she forgets the times she does go out during the week with me or the care giver(at least 4 times a week) so is always "just sitting here with nothing to do!" She just always seems unhappy and i get so down on myself feeling guilty that i dont do enough..me and my family include her in as many things as we can but sometimes need a break just for us. I keep trying to tell her how great things are for her compared to so many other elderly shut ins but she still has a pity party pretty often. Trying so hard to be empathetic but its so frustrating!!! They become SO egocentric, just like toddlers, when they get old....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Hello caregivers :)

A fellow caregiver on the site has resurfaced this subject/question. Below is a link to this new thread. She has requested some professional/expert advise in which we have sent it to a few of our experts in hopes for their take on this. Feel free to check it out.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Caregiver-Stress-Unhappy-Elder-why-Revisit-a-post-from-2012-156163.htm

The AgingCare.com Team

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Forgive me for being so blunt, but people in Hades want ice water; and you're doing the best you can with what you have. Next time you visit -- hopefully she'll be lucid enough -- help her understand that NH is where she needs to be. Tall order, but give it a shot anyway. Who knows? Maybe she'll be more cooperative from now on.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Hi Susan. Thanks for your concern. I find comfort in this message. We are hanging in here. Mom is now constantly calling out non-stop during her waking hours. It is very nervewracking to put it mildly. So sad to see your mother in this condition. She can't do anything else, but "call out." Looking for ways to deal with this behavior? to no avail. Hugs to you! Vicki

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Vicki, I haven't seen any of your posts lately and I'm just wondering how you and your Mom are doing. Be strong and be well. xo Susan

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I got a DVD player and a TV for my Mom and bought Shepherd's chapel bible study DVD's. She began watching them everyday and it's made the biggest change in her. She's no longer depressed and has even started talking to her roommate in the nursing home about what she's learning. So now they're both watching the DVD's and it's bringing them more comfort than I ever could just on my own.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Dear Susan, Thank you for your reply. I look forward to hearing from you. I am with you on the "should haves and could haves." Hospice Nurse was here today after the CNA was concerned, but all is just a slow decline.......Trying to have a normal life, but we are the daughters we are! Thanks again for your friendship in this time of our lives. :-)Vicki

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

You are doing enough now it is time to take care of yourself-start detatching start by calling her -less often-the nurse who is seeing her will let you know what is really going on-she is not going to change and this is too upseting for you-when you do calling and she starts her tiraid say calmly you know all her comlpaints and can not help her feel better and that you can not talk to her when she is like that-you have to take care of you.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

no, it is not alright. No one has the right to abuse another person. Tell her to stop. If she won't the take a break and take care of yourself.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Vicki, there's not much more you can do than what you are doing. I could not keep my mom from dying, and I could not even keep her from suffering....other than making sure she was taken care of and not alone. It is sad and not very satisfying, when you would like to think your love and devotion could make them happy and comfortable...there are things we can't change..it can't be helped sometimes. Hugs, prayers, especially Serenity Prayers being said for you and Mom!!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Vicki, I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I hope you are finding some comfort in the fact that you are giving your Mom a wonderful loving home and she's not in a Nursing Home. Although it's so hard on us now, I truly feel it's easier than the "should haves" and "could haves" that we would have to face in the future if we weren't the daughters we are. Be strong and God bless. xoxo Susan

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I am doing the best I can! No matter how much I do, I can never do enough. My Mom is declining, eating very little, very frail, and yet I am short and not always so nice, because I am tired. She is miserable and drags me right onto that same misery. She makes the same comments over and over, and I answer over and over until I lose my patience. The nurse said she will be surprised if she makes it to Easter and at the latest until summer, but she eats very little,and is sleeping more and more. She calls out my name over and over, but she doesn't really want or need anything. So sad.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

pinkfelines4, are you sure you're not me using an alias?? Lol. Seriously, you sound just like me and my situation.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I know that feeling, that knot in the stomach when you are afraid they are even a little bit right about something. Once in a while they may have a point, and its not easy to step back and try to put it in perspective (both theirs and the world of reality) but just think about it and it may hit you why any particular comment bothers you as much as it does, even though you know it is coming from someone with "issues". Hang in there, and remember no one deserves to get beat up or picked on for doing the best they can.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I'm ready to scream.......I just asked Mum why she can't be as sweet with me as she is with people outside the family. The visiting nurses think she is the sweetest person. Her reply to me was because you're different with me when we are home. Is that a true narcissist? It's never her fault, she's never responsible for her actions. So again, I have this pit in my stomach, She thinks it's her right to criticize my husband because "you're my daughter." Sorry all......I just needed to vent!

Helpful Answer (16)

Report

Love your message. it brought a BIG smile to my face. God's Blessings to you and your husband. We are already lucky with the right Spouses! Just walk away when she is being mean. I often have to just leave Mom in her bedroom yelling and calling out for help, when there is nothing else she needs or nothing I can really do for her. We have to admit we can't fix them. Please don't let her take you down. Leave the room and get a break.You are way too smart for that!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You're right Vicki, We are lucky to have wonderful husbands as our support systems. I'm trying so very hard to bite my tongue and not allow her to push my buttons. Most of the time my stomach is in knots because she gets me so upset, and I have to try so hard not to argue with her. She's never been a happy person, so I don't know why I'm hoping that she will be now! The trouble is she is taking me down with her. Someday when it's just my husband and me, I'll have the peace of mind knowing that I did everything I knew how to to make her life pleasant. (Even if it kills me) LOL!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I have been getting the guilt trip stuff for a long time!You'll be sorry when I'm gone, Just wait until you can't walk, can't do anything, what must I do, etc.....you name it, I've heard it. But the bottom line is, my husband and I are doing everything we can reasonably do, and we've had her living with us for about a year, excluding 3 weeks in the AL where she was super miserable. My Mom is failing quickly and I know her days are numbered, so I just enjoy the times when she is in her right mind, which are few now. I will have no guilt because I am doing everything I can for her now when she needs it most! I am a hospice music therapist, so I see lots of NH and ALF's. Many people do well if they are social and enjoy others. My Mom was good at Adult Day Care and day respite programs, but at the end of the day she wanted me, her daughter. Thank you for sharing, pinkfelines. I'm sure it is not easy to admit a loved one in a facility, but trust me, no one wants to be there. all the people say is they want to go home or they are waiting for their family. I am so thankful that I can be here for my Mom. and I don't do it by myself. I have a good support system with hearts for caring for the elderly.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Vicki, I know the feeling of knowing you are doing your best. As hard as it is to care for my Mum at home I couldn't bear the thought of driving away and leaving someone you love in a NH. I had to go through that with my Dad and antidepressants were the only thing that got me through it! I also understand the guilt trips! The other day my Mum said "you're gonna be sorry when I'm gone." I was so hurt. I've had to learn not to try to reason with her, and chuckle to myself when I have to repeat the same answer for the 500th time. I just want to enjoy the time I have left with her but her depression and bad attitude sucks the life out of me. She doesn't like my husband and can't understand why I love to be with him, even though he waits on her hand and foot. When we have a few words she'll cry out for my brother who passed away two years ago. "He wouldn't treat me this way" she'll say. He wouldn't have taken any of the stuff she says, does and puts me through! The good thing is we are not alone in this and we can share our concerns here with folks who know just what we are going through.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I often wrote about the(QUEEN) just comming to visit. well anyway. Icalled in hospice the day ahter Thanksgiving! The (Queen) said I was crazy. it was toooo soon. welll they sent a chaplin to talk with mom. She was thrilled! They talked & he told her (she is grieving the loss of the ability of doing the things she can no longer do ) mom got real strong & pointed her finger at him & said ur RIGHT !!! I said so u greive & u go on right? She looked at me & said I don't want to. hospice was with us from nov.26th to her death on jan 6th. when God took her home. (she was a very active woman) & realized she cold not do anthing on her own. SO SHE GAVE UP ! she stopped eating, & I think even willed herself to die. She was only 80. I miss her SOOOOO much. but I guess when u have been so independent & for 2 yrs u have to depend on someone else. u just giveup.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

BTW, my mother has guilt-tripped me all my life. I am just now really understanding the dynamics of our relationship. she has also depended on me for her happiness. Now I sing an old song to her - Keep On The Sunny Side. LOL! I am so thankful for my husband and support system and thankful that I can do this last gesture of love for her. I have changed my mind about caregiving and I am blessed with this job.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Jane, Just a couple of things to consider: Take close attention to her meds. My mother was on both seroqel and haldol in the AL. When I brought her home, I took her off these meds which didn't agree with her, and her behavior improved tremendously. Don't get me wrong, she is still depressing, depressed and generally miserable, but I also know that I must detach myself, so sometimes I just close her door and tell her to cry or be as miserable as she wants. She has been living with us for the better part of a year. I know she won't be around for another year, so I am glad that she is with me so that I can at least make sure she is loved, comfortable and well taken care of. You can do this!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

JaneB - excellent answer. I am going to try to follow that advice myself. Bringing an unhappy person into your home, parent expecially, is not really a great idea in my experience and estimation, but here I am with someone who has lived an entire life not being happy, and always looking for someone eles to do it for her. I thought I could help her live a little more contentedly, but that's really impossible if she doesn't want to participate in her own happiness. Once upon a time, she had a doctor who told her "Happiness is NOT a place". I thought that was great. I feel if I can just detach, somehow from her misery and blame, and guilt inducing behavior I would be OK. It's hard, but I am making a little progress. Being in a nursing home and having to visit every day and getting depressing phone calls would not be better, I don't think. I just have to figure out some way to handle the constant black cloud hanging in my home. She is on all the meds that are supposed to help and has been checked out from head to toe, so I suppose is as good as it gets. Thanks for this forum.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

My Mother did not do well in assisted living and it broke my heart for her to be so miserable, so I brought her back home to live with me. She was being "kicked out" of AL because she was hallucinating, paranoid and yelling for me, keeping other residents awake. she and I are soing so much better since I brought her back home. I can't say it is a piece of cake, but I have the best hospice support (Vitas) and have hired someone who comes in and stays with her so I can work and try to maintain some normalcy (if that is at all possible when your mother is declining).The dementia is getting worse, she isn't eating much and has a UTI. I know that this arrangement is best for her and me. I am thankful for the support, so please just reach out for help and be grateful for that help. I know as my Mother declines, I just want to make her comfortable and help her feel safe and loved. I never dreamed I would be a good caregiver, but my husband is awesome and we have adjusted. God Bless You all as you give care for your declining parents.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

1 2 3 4 5

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

156 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions