How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

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How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

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I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.

I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.

She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.

She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.

Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.

Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?

Thanks for listening.

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I TAKE CARE OF MY UNCLE AND BELIEVE ME THAT THE PATIENT HAS A RIGHT TO SAY NO ALRIGHTY AND HE EXERCISES THAT RIGHT TO THE FULLEST EXTREME! HA! He says that he has made so many mistakes in life and that he has never been happy! He never answers just yes or no, and the conversation tends to get diverted to something that had nothing to do with what I asked him! Then sometimes he'll break into song, he'll sing a verse and then I'll sing the next, and so on! He's good at changing the subject when we are discussing what's important! He was the boss when I worked for him on his farm but now I kind of have to be his boss but I don't ever let him know that! So I act like he is still my boss! He is 90 now and he is still waiting for his golden years! He says that there is no golden years and I believe it! He sleeps in his recliner chair so that he can get up to his walker which took falling and breaking his nose to use! I tried to get him to use for two years before he did use it! He lets me give him a bath now twice a week instead of once now because he was getting yeast infection under his arms and in creases! I help him be in control of whatever he needs and I let him know that I'll help him be that way! If there is something that he don't want to do that is important, I tell him that the doctor said that he needs to do it and he goes along with it! I call him every morning to make sure that he is alright and if he needs anything I'll get it but I make sure that he has everything on Monday and Friday when I drive the 75 mile round trip. So far it's all working but I wish he could sleep in his bed!
( I would never consider using pills to get him to do something.)

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I think you are doing the best you can. Sometimes the situation is like the proverbial rock and a hard place, damned if you do/don't. "What if...' can only torture and torment, nothing you need at this moment. Sometimes, when the process is slow, it strikes me as an abomination...why can't they just slip away in their sleep...and there is nothing we can do, short of providing comfort. Hang in there.

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Joyce W, I wish I had an answer for you. Let me put it this way: My mother has what many would consider an ideal set-up, and I STILL feel that I'm not doing enough. She has excellent care, is living in her own home (with me on hand every day), has her hair and nails done each week, has PT and massage therapy four times a week ... I could go on, but the long and short of it is that 1) she is not happy, and 2) I still feel that I am not doing enough precisely because she is unhappy. We all want our parents to be safe, comfortable, and most of all happy, but the last one is difficult and often impossible to achieve. There is usually one moment in each day when we can get a smile out of her, so I try to be content with that. But Lord, it is hard! God bless!

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They experience so many losses in old age - I see how depression sets in. I dont look forward to aging. I dont want to after caring for both elderly parent alone. I know this does not help - but I can't change how they feel in doing a lot for them. They are blessed to have one another. I stand on the periphery and wish I were loved in this family the way they are. I know it is hard for you. I know it is hard for your mom. I wish there was a simple joyous solution.

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My mother is living with me now and I also feel like I'm not doing enough because she is so unhappy. It helps me to know that she has always been a negative person, and she has lost pretty much everything that she valued due to being moved here and there. On some level she knows that she is having "issues" but she denies them fiercely and I'm sure her dependency irritates and frustrates the heck out of her. So I try to console myself that no matter how much I do, she STILL has every right to be angry at the hand life has dealt her. That doesn't stop me from trying to get her to laugh and turn her negative outlook on life to a positive one, though. And I'll tell you what... the next time a docs office schedules a fasting blood test at 11am, I will pitch a fit myself because that is causing a meltdown like no other right now! LOL

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You have no other choice but to have your mother in a LTC facility, let's face it. Yes, you are absolutely doing the best you can. My mother has been in an ALF for the past 3-1/2 years with many of the same issues yours has; the IVF filter, the blood thinners, the dementia, etc. She chronically complains about the food *they ALL do* and about a million and one other things, but it's not my fault, you know? I can't 'fix' this old age situations she's in *just turned 91 yesterday* and have enough of my OWN issues to deal with! I call her 1-2 x per day, and usually take her to dinner on Saturday nights. The ALF tells me I'm doing TOO MUCH, so take solace in that, dear woman! There is only SO much any of us 'children' can do for our parents.
Best of luck

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How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

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