I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.
I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.
She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.
She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.
Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.
Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?
Thanks for listening.
DON'T judge yourself~enough others will do that~you need to love you.
You don't judge. You love yourself for what you do & how you do it. Then that is what you have to give~~JUDGE~~loose that concept~~it steams from fear.
husband died..........and instead of him (the love of my life) I've got her.
I hate looking at all the "perfect" couples on facebook. So I don't go on facebook anymore because it breeds more resentment, etc.
My MIL is never happy and makes me feel guilty that it must be my fault. Well it isn't............ and for whatever reason she's miserable, I try not to beat myself up with guilt because it makes things even worse.
Over and out from "the twilight zone."
you make a great point. I am 30 years younger than my mom and I am feeling discouraged about aging. Don't heal as fast, can't shake off aches and pains as a few years ago. Takes longer to get over a simple thing like a cold. Aging happens to all of us. Part of life. You gave me a new perspective--to see things thru her eyes.
I broke my ankle very badly 5 months ago, still have trouble with swelling and stiffness apart from the 'knobs' on both sides of it. I hate asking my sons for help, though they did at first and miy wonderful sister who insisted on paying for a full-time carer for a full 2 months until I could manage a bit more on crutches. I hope I can always put my kid's happiness first, knowing that life for them is also to strive for better, even if they are professionals. I just never want to feel sorry for myself and when I do, I can mope on my own without them knowing.
Trust me - you are absolutely doing all that you can do. Some things just can't be resolved. If you left her at home and some tragic event took place - which is more than likely what would have happened - you would feel even worse. Hang in there! This is the hardest thing I have ever endured.
Wow, reread your own quote above. You are being WAY to hard on yourself and unrealistic!!! It's amazing how wonderful people can tear themselves down with misplaced guilt or shame and so unhealthy. Mom is where she needs to be. But I agree with the poster who says she needs hygiene and foot care--this can be deadly in older people, period. I'm all for patient rights but some of this gets absurd when you are clearly taking about people that are mentally impaired which is why they are in a facility in the first place! Peace and blessings to you.
Still relevant to the original message?
Just curious,
M88
Here is where your faith really comes in. Look at the practicality of what you are doing, she cannot take care of herself and you are taking care of her, there is no price or value that can be placed on the personal sacrifice one human being makes for another, know that what you are doing is the ultimate gift of love, it is the ultimate sacrifice, those who know her and still interact with her know deep down that she wouldn't be here if it weren't for your valuable assistance. Making her happy is a futile undertaking however. We cannot maintain another persons outlook on life, all you can do is your best to provide the things she needs, her wants and don't wants or likes and don't likes are what you cannot control. I am in the same boat and deal with ungratefulness and being unappreciated everyday. They do become comfortable with their caregiver to the point that they let it all out emotionally. I get the angry, depressed, unenthusiastic, resistant and argumentative person, everyone else gets the warm, friendly, exited, enthusiastic and very grateful person. This is because for Dementia and Alzheimer's sufferers, appearance is everything. They are fighting the disease and are often confused about what is happening to them but they want to appear as normal on the outside. This brings out all sorts of emotions and is an exhausting process that is always taking place in the background of a Dementia sufferers mind. They have to use so much energy when in social situations and around others in an effort to present themselves as having it all together, that when they are finally at home alone with "just" the caregiver, the emotional breakdown and release can come out in many forms. Another dynamic is the fact that as caregiver's (care providers), we are the ones who represent the doctors, the nurses, the pharmacy, we are the ones who have to say "no" to sugar and salt and other things detrimental that they may want, we are the ones making them bathe, stay hydrated, eat right, keep moving etc, this builds animosity over time and soon we are not family anymore, we have become the "bad cop" so to speak subconsciously for them and they unknowingly treat us bad. Lately however her behavior is coming out at Church and other places and people now know my sweet, innocent, saintly, Christian mother has a pair of horns and a tail! LOL I knew all along but everyone thought I was crazy. But that's also part of Caregiving, being questioned, doubted, told we are exaggerating about whats going on with our loved one, until they see it for themselves.
Caregiving is by far one of the hardest jobs and when it involves family, it can be a nightmare. The number one thing I deal with is a lack of support and appreciation from not only my mother but my family in general. Know Joyce that what you are going through is building your character up to another level, you are literally an angel to have stepped up and accepted the task of making her final years the best they can be and you will be blessed tremendously. I live by this prayer: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I CANNOT change...Courage to change the things I can and WISDOM to know the difference! I also ask for my patience to be replenished and for more wisdom and understanding. Last but not least, get some YOU time, there is no crime in feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, Jesus couldn't help or save everybody so what makes us think we can! Caregivers are chosen for a reason and a season, because we possess the qualities rooted in empathy for others, we may not think we are capable of handling the situation,but God knew who to put in your position. I have found that when I stopped fighting the circumstances, I began to learn valuable lessons about my mother and myself and see it more as an opportunity than a stressful burden. It is still the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life but ultimately, it is the most rewarding because my mother deserves every moment she has left to be the best it can be and I am thankful for the opportunity to be here for her.
I wish you the very best of luck navigating through the muck & the mire known as old age, dementia, possible narcissism, and everything else that goes along with being a daughter. Try not to punish yourself for what you're 'not doing', and start loving yourself for what you ARE doing. It IS enough.
I have been right where you are, down to the call hang-up. I also am an only child and was in this situation with my father. He latterly distorted a hospital room because each doctor that saw him he fired and I would rehire. It seemed to me, no matter how hard I tried to help it was wrong or of no help to him. What is an only child to do? There simply is no one else to help.
My dad would call five and six times a day then hang up on me if I answered. I did move from one city to another to take care of him. What could I do? I tried everything I knew and I seemed to always to be doing just the thing he did not want. After many months I was advised by his doctor and his attorney to get a Guardianship. They explained that he would not just be allowed to ‘fire’ any professional necessary to treat his health issues.
My answer came by way of his clergy; I would go away for two days to get a fresh prospective on this situation (no cell phone at the time what a blessing). After much thought I began to see 'it is impossible to reason or even talk to someone who is in this condition. My resolve after these two days was to: 1. I would look back on his wishes earlier in life when I believe he was in a best place or right mind to distinguish what he would want. This was mostly founded on his experience with others he knew in this situation he was now in. My decisions would be ruled on his past wishes. 2. I weighed every decision on a scale of how I would face myself later after he had passed.
Using this process I know I did the right thing for my father. This is not to say this strategy will work in every case however it is something to consider. My profession now is a Geriatric Case Manger.
The Language of Letting Go
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.