How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

Whatever you do will NEVER be enough! So just do what you can and continue on with your life.

It appears that you are doing all you can, without sacrificing your life, and it sounds like it you did give up your life, she still wouldn't be happy. Yes, our loved ones tend to save all the complaining for those closest to them. I'm sure they asked her if she wanted her hair done and she said yes and then forgot. Maybe the next time you call talk with the staff first before talking to your mom then you will be prepared for the complaining session. At this point, you become the parent and just have to put your foot down lovingly of course. Had to do that with my mom, this is the way it is, end of discussion, she of course pouts, but gets over it. Best of luck and don't feel guilty

I see this post was written almost a year ago. I did not read the entire thread (92 comments), but I wanted to say that I hope your situation is better. I hope your Mom is happy and that you can acknowledge that you're doing the best you can for her and nothing you did put your Mom in the situation she's in.

It's hard for her to deal with the emotions she has/had? and she's using you as her whipping post (she has no-one else) to relieve her depression. I've often said on this site that understanding the root of mean behavior is part of the solution to dealing with it.

If you haven't already, try to get your Mom some mental health help. She needs to talk to someone about her feelings so that they don't bottle up and vent out on you or anyone else for that matter.

I've been there and understand how YOU feel as the daughter. And a daughter with her own health challenges, at that!

Best advice, take care of yourself first. Get healthy so that you can take good care of Mom. Use as many resources as possible to help Mom (it doesn't have to be on your shoulders alone), and realize that your Mom's health may not be fixable, but she's still alive. She still has wants and desires and goals.

Love up on her as much as possible. I can't imagine myself living in a NH or AFH/AL environment. I hope I never have to. Your Mom may be the same way, and the adjustment may never happen.

Be as sweet to your Mom as you can. Step away when you need the break and foremost remember to take care of your health!

Hey, listen, they will work you over if they can. Just let it go, she wants to complain and be miserable. It's her life, if that's how she wants to live it. I am sure she doesn't like the nursing home but she had a choice to go to assisted living and declined it. She has denial. It's not uncommon and if the parent was very independent they take their loss of independence out on everyone who is trying to help them. I just shrug my mom's complaints off, I used to let them bother me. Now I figure it's just her way of venting and I don't let it affect me personally anymore. She even tries to slug me sometimes and I just catch her fist in mine and hold it until she calms down. Then I distract her with something, usually food. She is in a nursing home and there isn't a lot you can do for her; it's their job to figure out what to do. So why torture yourself with it? Accept it or move her somewhere else or put her in a car/plane and take her to your house.

Forty years ago when I met my mil she was vigorous, critical and demanding. After twenty years of trying to please her, I realized that I could continue exerting a lot of energy trying to make her happy and never be successful. Now she is frail, confused and living in the nursing home. I don't feel the responsibility of making her happy. Being happy is an internal function, not something others do for you or to you. I visit her, assure she is safe and is surrounded by things she used to enjoy doing. She chooses not to do or does not have the initiative to do things that gave her pleasure 6 months ago. We've tried one antidepressant without much response and are moving on to another one. It is unfortunate that our negative personality traits become stronger when our internal "social editors" break.

Oh so true, sonswife!

Might you reconsider moving or else moving her? I have had very sick relatives moved and this might be what she needs. If she were able to be near you, you could visit. I think she is scared and feeling abandoned and alone and yet you are a safe target because you are her child and she can trust you to keep loving her. My Mom is like yours- super charming to all but not to me most of the time.

If there is a facility closer to you that might help. If she's willing to move. Once she's closer, setup a routine daughter date night. Take her out to dinner/movie/event/shopping. Make it a weekly or bi-weekly or monthly date. Gives her something to look forward to and hopefully you as well.

It might be difficult logistically, but the reward! That smile shell give you will make it so worth it. Find something for her to look forward to.

I have already asked a question but now I have to comment on all of your comments and questions and how you all have a little bit of humor in your comments. I think that is GREAT...What can we do. I have no parents as I was raised in foster care all my life,, but I do feel like Im getting close to loosing it now and then especially my memory. Love to you all and hang in there and thanks for taking care of your parents. GG

I sympathize. It sounds like your poor mom has situational depression, a realistic sadness based on her future, which looks quite hopeless. Is it possible that she could be given a different sort of anti-depressant? If she refuses to take it, that is her choice. I have to disagree with the woman who recommended that your mother be knocked out, against her will, so that she could be bathed, and her nails trimmed. Her long fingernails may be grotesque, but do they actually represent a health hazard? Remember, too, that she doesn't actually have to bathe or have her hair washed more than once a week. Is the NH trying to bathe her too often?

If you need someone to tell you, let me do it. It would be my pleasure. YES, YOU ARE DOING ALL THAT YOU CAN. Hugs.

Dear Joyce.
You can not change another persons way of thinking. In this case you mother probably feels her life is spiraling out of control.
As far as the bathing is concerned I imagine by now this has been addressed one way or another. Can you have your private hire check out the bathroom? Is it bright, airy, warm and big enough for a person to be on either side. Is there proper equipment to get her safely in and out. Are there plenty of soft warm towels to wrap her in. Bath aids receive little training and minimal supervision so some are wonderful and others use the bathing situation as a power trip to inflict distress on their patients. I have seen a little old lady being showered and the aide was rinsing her hair and allowing the water to run down her face. She was not complaining but her face was screwed up and she must have felt like she was being waterboarded. The aide was not being deliberately unkind but I hope I am never that old lady. Disrespect for privacy is the norm these days not the way I was taught. When I was working and did extra hours filling in for an aide it got back to the office that I was the best one they had sent and could they send me again, of course they didn't that was not my job. I am not writing this to scare people with loved ones in N/H but to point out there may be valid reasons for patients to refuse care. They themselves may not understand why they have the fear but it is there. Your mom is very old and you can't be young and have very significant health problems so take care of yourself and accept that you have done everything possible for your mother's comfort and wellbeing. She may never be satisfied but deep down she knows she has a very caring daughter who loves her whatever she does or says. The reason she feels free to dump on you is that she knows you will still love her at the end of the day come what may. Keep calling her even if you have to cut it short, and send the flowers, food gifts, cards and anything else small she may like. Even if she throws them straight in the garbage at least she knows you care, and above all make peace with yourself.

Not in same boat yet but just a thought as I will be here in your shoes soon. If your mum is unhappy where she is does it matter where she is? Lets face it shes never going to be happier SO I would suggest you move her to a home near you so that you could spend more time with her it may perk her up a bit knowing youre near and she can see you when she needs it would stop you feeling so much guilt. I know you said she dosnt like travelling but sometimes its not about what they want and what they need your mum will be unhappy no matter what but at least shell be near you and you can see her everyday? I want to move away from here and will have 2 solutions my mum comes with me OR if she refuses she will not be allowed live on her own as its too dangerous. I would prefer my mum if she goes into a home that I am near her it must be so hard being so far away. Anyway that's my advice is to have her near you its only one trip to get her there and would maybe be a lot less stress for you. Hugs!

I agree with the posters-I always told my pt's families when they asked the best nursing home is the one closes to you and if you have a choice take one that has liberal visiting hours-most staff are kind and well trained but you will find those who are not. Get to know the staff and when you see a kind gesture tell the staff person it was good to see the kind way she or he cares for the residents-that will go a long way-in the last NH I husband was in the social worker was fantastic and a great help to me. She got him with his behavior problems.

To an introvert being placed and surrounded by people drains you and raises your stress levels. We need to be alone to have a sense of peace. There is no alone in assisted living or a nursing home. What extroverts call loneliness, introverts call solititude. I feel for your mother, to me I would be in hell in a nursing home. I too would fight any intrusion into my space.

I am answering this because You say you want honesty. Your question is "Are you doing enough". Your mother has no visitors, except every two weeks a nurse visits. Her basic needs such as trimming toenails are not done. She is a problem patient. With no visitors, she is neglected by the staff. She hates the nursing home. She has the same list of complaints that are brushed off as dementia, or her stubbornness, but they never get addressed. So besides your daily phone call, what exactly are you doing? If you have to ask the question, you know you aren't.

What can you do? You don't mention finances. Can she afford a private room, or help living alone? Why can't she be moved to a home close to you? Try to make it happen. Can you hire a companion, an introvert, who could visit daily, run errands, make her comfortable, befriend her, report back to you, so you would have eyes on her care? Do you have a camera in her room, so you know what the level of care is? Nobody travels well, do it anyway.

Kathy you brought up good points-when a caregiver makes steps even baby steps it empowers them to go on to solving the problem-I had to do this myself because my counsular said no one was going to rescue me-I had to do it myself-it is hard but when the sky did not fall I was able to take a bigger step.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. All my life my mother was so unhappy and I spent a lot of time wondering what I did to make her so unhappy.

Earth you are so right I realized that I was not responsible for the husband being unhappy-he could have had a good last years-we got him a computer-he had all the time in the world-no responsibilities -it was all on my sholders-his mind was good and he could get around in a w/c and walk with a walker-he had his own TV plenty of books and childhood friends near -by-he chose to be miserable .

I have been told many of the psychiatric symptoms (depression, anxiety, delusion)can be treated with medication. Sounds like your Mom is not being treated. I know it is begginning to be time to have a review of meds for my MIL. She is taking a very low dow of an SSRI for depression, but the fearful anxiety is getting worse. She just wants to crawl into a hole and ignore everyone and everything and quietly do what she wants until she dies. Would that satisfy your Mom too? It is so sad. Their lives can be so much better than that since they have people who love them.

Joyce W, I truly understand your situation because I am in the same place. I care for my 87 year old aunt who has stopped eating, won't take her medicine and doesn't want to take a bath. She is in the Hospice Program and they send an aide out three days a week to give her a bath, she doesn't fight her. When I try to bath her, she screams bloody murder; either the water is too hot or too cold, then she proceed to grunt and grind her teeth, which upsets me very much, it works my nerves. The aide says she does not exhibit this behavior to her.

In the afternoons, a Home Care aide comes out to merely sit with her; my aunt pretends to sleep during the entire visit, and she refuses to eat when the aide attempts to feed her. She holds her food in her mouth overnight as well as her medicine. I got creative and started to crush her meds and put it in a Ensure; she likes them and can't seem to tell if the meds are in it. But she also has to be watched on that because she will sit and pretend to sip on the ensure without taking a sip. I have to stand over her until she drinks the entire 8 ounces, and for a week now, the ensure is all she has been consuming. When I encourage her to eat, she comes down with some type of pain, start grunting and shaking as if the shake is killing her. I don't pay any attention to that because the behavior only starts when you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. Before this behavior, she was having a heart attach every day when I was to take her to Adult Day Care, try to give her a bath, etc. Anything she didn't want to do.

The caretakers think she is the sweetest thing, also and say that my aunt does not act that way with them. One aide started spoon feeding her and now she expects that. She can still feed herself and I won't do it. Even when she is spoon fed, she will say "I have enough" after two spoonfuls. She gets so weak until she can't move without assistance, can't talk above an audible level.

I am at my wit's end, and have decided to put her in assisted living. I hate to do that because I know the policy is not to force them to do anything they do not want to do, so I don't expect she will live that much longer, but I can't stand to see her waste away before my eyes.

Joyce, I completely understand your sadness as I go into grief each time I decide to have her go to a nursing home, but I can't take care of her if she is slowly starving herself to death. She has been with me for over ten years, and I know that I have done my best, but I keep thinking, I can do more, but I now know that I can't. My heart goes out to you and do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

I have spent most of my life trying to please my mother. At 82 she is still miserable. Nothing I do can make her happy or the happiness is short lived. I finally have stopped trying. I have emotionally distanced myself from her and just take her to her medical appointments. I have even stopped telling her I loved her. Why bother when she never loved me. I haven't abandoned her so I know I am doing the best I can.

Rest assured you are doing your best and are suffering from unearned guilt.
Oh dear- I am at the very beginning of a journey like this and I see it is going to be a very rough road.
May we all keep each other in our prayers.

It is not our job to make a missirible person happy-they enjoy being unhappy-I learned this while caring for the husband,

sedated to be bathed? something does not feel right with that..I have worked in Nursing homes my whole life and have never heard of such a thing??? Honeycomb do you live in the United States?? confused........

It is not easy to hear your parent say "I want to die". It's not that I've gotten used to it but I don't let it get to me like I used to. When my dad gets like that sometimes I say "well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm glad you're still around". Other times I ignore him and other times in my mind I say, "then go ahead and die". I learned also that I cannot give him his old health and independence-that journey of acceptance is for him to travel. My time will come eventually also. You can be there for him as much as you can, but it is up to him how he chooses to deal with this such hard stage of his life.

Joyce my dear, stop torturing yourself....YES, you're doing all that you can for your mom. If we all take a step back and look at the complete picture of our circumstances in caring for loved ones, we will soon accept the fact that we are trying to solve their issues on an emotional level. This is normal, but not so good...The idea of caring for a loved one and being able to lead a normal life outside of their care without guilt is unrealistic. The first order of business is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.. Our loved ones have lived long lives, some very good, others not so good but whatever the case, it is not emotionally good or sound for us to beat ourselves up because our loved ones are unhappy in their current state of being. If your mom will not allow anyone to give her the care she so desperately needs, all the help or search for help in the world will not solve this problem. LEAVE IT ALONE, let nature take its course rather than worry about something that you will not be able to change, instead, focus your attention on how to remove your emotional guilt of it all. This sounds horrible doesn't it??? That's because we are beating ourselves up emotionally and not using our common senses. Most of us here in this forum understand your predicament and deal with those guilt feelings you are experiencing but when we step back and really analyze the uselessness of worrying about things we can't change, we generally come to the realization that the smart thing to do is to satisfy your mind that you have done all that you can, and what remains has to take care of itself. I pray that God give you the peace of mind to know that you've done all that is expected of you....

Joyce, all you can do is what you feel is right for your Mom. My Mom lived on her own in a 2 story condo until age 92, when she fell due to a stroke. She stayed with me for 6 mos when refusing to return to a skilled nursing facility. It did not work out for a number of reasons. Now she is in an assisted living facility, where she does not like the food, or interruptions for medication or water delivery, but has made a few friends. She has been depressed ever since the stroke, and due to fatigue from CHF and an inability to hear any news she doesn't like, strikes out at me verbally. I feel like I am walking on eggs when I speak to her. Our parents never wanted this life nor contemplated losing control of their life. All we can do is love them and do the best we can, because in the end

My mom was diagnosed with dimenia almost 10yrs ago shortly after my dad passed; we are sure she was going into this before but he covered for her. My sister, and my husband and I took care of her in her home(next door which helped)for 6 yrs until one day she had me so upset I wanted to hit her. We moved her for what thought may be respite to give us a break; 4yrs later she has been out of her home; she is in the 2nd facility now more geared to memory care. Physically she is very healthy and mobile. I feel guilty every time I leave her. But she is safe and clean and happy; my sister and I joke saying she has more of a social life than us; she is surrounded by others in different stages of ALZ. She fusses when she has to be changed but that only lasts those few minutes. I see her personality still shining through even though most of the time I don't think she knows who I am; I am just a familiar face. I have to realize it's about her not about me. I still see that twinkle in her eyes. We alternate and one of always there if only for an hour. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Bless you.You did the right thing and as you know she is safe and more importanty happy

My Mother is very healthy and the only thing is half her sight is gone but she can still function and can still watch TV. But she hates her life living with me and wishes she could still live alone. I think when people grow old and know that most of their life is gone, they are just miserable every day. My Mother wants to be free just like your Mother but what they are really saying is they want to be young again.
I think you are doing enough for your Mother. She is being well taken care of. We have to accept that we can do everything but make them happy. To survive myself, I have accepted that. You must, too!!

Narcissistic mothers seem to be rampant on this forum, I am in the same boat and nothing will make this woman happy. Why on earth do I or any of us think we can make someone happy who has not been happy their entire life? I love how my mom puts all the blame on me. I am thankful for this group. Just know you are and have done your best. You will never change your mothers perspective.