Does the grief get worse after the burial?
I was my mama's caregiver for over 12 years. She was my best friend and world. She raised me and my older brother as a single mother. I could never repay mama back for all her sacrifice. I miss her soooooo much. It will be two months this December, 30th 2025 . I have been crying alot into her pillow. I think its hitting me even harder now that I have taken care of all the burial decisions. I have all the grief like a tidal wave. I had to attempt to keep it together in order to get mama's burial taken care of . I was the person handling everything , so I was grieving very little. Every one says now you will have closure. Whatever that means. I feel even worse and broken and empty.😪 I actually feel like im just like an artificial intelligence entity. This is a nice outlet to share and not be judged. It seems like the world, family, and friends expect you to be just move on.
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Remember, you have DEVOTED yourself entirely to someone for many years, so much so that it is difficult to assess where "she stops and I begin". You have truly become bonded to one another, are one another's identity, reason for being. This is all ripped away. The gap is huge. The void is real. And you are alone.
In the very beginning we have friends, well wishers, help, and we are very BUSY. But then it all melts suddenly away. People expect us to be OK, perhaps even to be free. But we stand puzzled as though our bodies took on the shape of a massive question mark.
If there are friends, lean on them. Feel free to grieve in your own time, in your own way. Remember to also celebrate. It helped me enormously to WRITE to my brother after he was gone. We had all our lives been very bonded, to the extent when we didn't live in same city we wrote weekly several long letters. I continues that, telling him what I thought, what I saw, what was funny, what hurt me. I decorated it with pictures of him and collage. A picture of him is still on my phone when it wakes up.
If nothing helps and you cannot seem to move forward for depression, see your doc. You may want to go for grief therapy. There are sites even on Facebook to join for "Grief". Take good care of yourself and do it for her.
My heart goes out to you in this profound loss, but I want to tell you that I, at 83, find my wonderful Mom and Dad never really have left me. They are right here with me really, every day. In memories. And as to my dear bro, I have almost make him MYTH, I think, so strongly is he still here with me as my advocate.
For much of the first year you will be a little numb--your ai refernce is a timely metaphor. You will function, but you won't be 100% "there." The second year, the numbness wears off and your feelings may be a little more intense, but that's OK. Do not try to block your feelings. Do not pretend you are fine when you are not. Feel as sad as you need to feel for long as you need to. People who tell you to get over it and move on are trying to spare themselves from have to deal with your sadness.
Write out your feelings. You can say anything you want to on paper: to yourself, to your mother, to the world--you can throw the paper away afterwards if you want to. Writing things out helps you articulate your feelings and lets you "put them somewhere else" for a while so they don't completely take over your brain.
You are not crazy although there may be times in the next couple of years when you think you are. It is all normal. Do not rush and do not push down your feelings.
My mom has been gone about the same amount of time and I am still stunned in a lot of ways. I've had major losses before in my life, including losing my dad when I was in my early 30s. But I took care of my mom for 6.5 years so it was different. I think I do this thing where I have that painful grief but I put it in a compartment, knowing it will need to be opened after I handle other things. I can't really fall apart if I'm making all kinds of decisions that everyone wants made ASAP. I can't fall apart so I basically let little bits of the grief out at a time, to look at them, cry a bit and then close that door until a little later. Well. the later is usually after everything else has happened. I can't deal with all of it all at once, I think it would overwhelm me.
Now that things have calmed down, I find that I feel my feelings more than I did before, and that might be what is happening to you. You were in shock, had to function, and so you kind of wrap it all up to be able to do stuff without collapsing. But you have the time now to look at your entire grief, and now you are starting to feel it. They tell you to let all your feelings out but you can't always do that when you have things you have to do. It's not healthy to do it forever, but sometimes survival means not facing all of it head on right away.
By the way, there is no closure. I hate when people say that. There is no closure. There is just a change, and it's sad, and it becomes part of you. You get familiar with it but there is no closure. I guess you could say handling the remains in a final way, like burial is a type of closure because you don't have to do it more than once and that part is over. The caretaking is over. It was always a choice and you kept making the choice to do it as did I, and now that choice is gone. But it's not like you have to say should I go and do this thing or stay as a caregiver? If those two things were possible, you would have that uncertainty, and the closure part might be something like that, where the choice is made for you because your mom is gone. But imo there's no real closure.
You can get to acceptance with the loss. But that doesn't make it less sad. The burial being over means that it's really done, and that can hit hard. Very hard.
Don't forget, people also don't know what to say to you so they say all these things they may have heard other people say. For me, they keep saying it must be very freeing, though, right? And it's like, kind of, sure, but that's not really what I want to hear. People just don't know what to say and I give them passes on it because a lot of them haven't been through any of it.
You'll have crushing grief for a long time, most likely. But not forever. There is no way out but through. You have to feel it all. I wish you peace.
I don't think grief ever goes away, it comes and goes. I am in year two of losing my mother and I find I am remembering her more in a kinder way and missing her more than I did right after her death.
I hate the psychobabble word "closure" because it trivializes the magnitude of a person's loss. Maybe a grief support group could help you handle how you are feeling and help you pick up the pieces and begin to live life again. (((hugs)))
then the person you are caring for dies.
And everything you have been doing comes to an abrupt stop.
But, there is work still to be done.
You have to take care of all the details. All the bits of what is left of that life.
And once again when you have done that everything comes to an abrupt stop.
And you can breathe again...except you don't want to. You feel lost.
Others go on with their lives because they had one. Your life sorta ended when your LO died.
So you go day by day picking up pieces. Then something hits you out of the blue and it is like someone punched you in the gut once again,. Then that passes. Until the next time it happens.
The times between those punches in the gut will get longer. They may never go away but instead of a punch in the gut it will be a dull ache.
It has been a bit over 9 years since my Husband died and every once in a while I will hear a song and it will remind me o f him and I will cry. It does not happen as often now and it surprises me when I find myself crying.
Here are 2 saying I keep by my computer.
Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It's a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
You grieve on your own timeline. Ignore those that say.. get over it...or she's in a better place... or any of the other stupid things people say.
((hugs))
Grief takes time. Years. And then aspects will always be there (sadness, missing a loved one).
And everyone has they own unique experience.
As politely as I can say this re "it seems like the world, family, friends expect you (meaning you) to be 'just move on" ... ignore these people is the nice way to say this.
You need support and compassion now.
Surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through.
Do not allow these people to be in your sphere - they apparently do not understand grief and/or do not know how to support you through this time.
Get into grief counseling.
It may help you through this process. And, it is a process.
The way I handled grief was to fully embrace it - do not push it away.
Feel it all. Allow yourself to be as you are / need to express how you feel.
Just please let go of these 'friends and family' who are not supporting you now.
Yes, we will support you. Keep reaching out to us. We are here for you.
Gena / Touch Matters
You don't have to move on and you don't owe anyone an explanation for your grief. Give yourself a break because you're going through a lot. The grief will come and go. So let yourself grieve and feel the loss. You don't have to explain. Be kind to yourself too. I'm sure your mom would want you to. God bless you and I hope you find some comfort in your sorrow.
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