Follow
Share

I am a 29 year old caregiver to my mom, 64, who was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer on 1-30-19, also my birthday. I am the youngest of my mom's 3 children. And the most susceptible to her narcissism, guilty tripping, anger, and abuse. Always have been since I was a little girl. She has ruined her relationships with my 2 siblings because she is such a hateful person and they no longer deal with it. However, I feel like I have been left with a lot to deal with on my own concerning OUR mother. I've been her victim since I was at least 16 years old. She has a way of making me feel so sorry for her. So much so, I've LET her have control over myself and my life. With that being said, my mom is in remission! Praise God! But the chemo treatments have left her with we kidney problems and she was so Malnutritioned from treatment that she has no muscle in her legs Harley, so she can only walk around her small apartment. Might I mention, she also has a peg tube and has to get fluids every other day still. Though I'm SO thankful she is doing so much better now, she still expects me to wait on her hand and foot, run all her errands, feed her in the peg (even tho she's very capable) I have to start on stop her fluids due to limited home health visits. Her insurance doesnt cover 2 of her medications now noe do they cover her feeding tube formula. She gets SSI monthly, yet I'm still the one ending up paying for what the insurance doesn't, plus groceries and things for her house. I have my own home right around the corner from where she lives but its litterly like she "won't let me go".. I had to quit my job to care for her. I just now was able to return after 6 months but only working 4 hours 2 days a week because all my other time is demanded by my mom. I am literally losing my mind because my resentment towards her has roared it's ugly head again and I just don't think my mind and body can take. it any more. Help!!!!

Caregivingash: Oh, my. You're a fine young lady. You deserve great kudos and a big ol' cyber hug. You've been given good advice and support, but after horrible experiences myself these past few years, my bluntness and anger come out.

You ARE NOT selfish. Narcissists only care about themselves. Hie thee immediately to the library and get every book you can about dealing with a narc. Devour them. Learn how to be strong in the face of her manipulations. Learn how to say "no," and how to say, "I matter."

You must STOP taking on the care and feeding of your mother's monkeys [a metaphor for taking on someone else's problems]. Especially since she's on the path to recovery, those monkeys are hers to manage. I get it she feels awful and has mobility problems, but it sounds like she has her mental faculties.

You must think of your future. Stop paying for your mother's bills--those monkeys are hers to figure out. In light that she's purposefully ignoring doctors' orders and skipping pills to manipulate you, stop falling for it.

Be honest with yourself: what do you want out of YOUR life? Savings account? College? Trade school? You have a home, allow yourself to LIVE there.

If you can, find a therapist who can help you develop your needs and wants and how to implement them. Write them down. Armed with the "how to deal with a narc" books, write down what you want to say to your mother and how you want to live your life, things like: I can't afford to pay for your medicines. I can only stop by twice a week to help you. No, I can't possibly do that [whatever "that" is].

Set your limits of what you're able and willing to do. Search through this forum and do a search for "narc" or "narcissist" to find those threads started by people desperately needing to free themselves of narcs. You'll find ideas and encouragement for yourself to free yourself totally or least set limits that are tolerable for you, yet still allow you to feel right with what you're doing (or not).

You deserve your life. Accept nothing less. *big hug*
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MountainMoose
Report
Caregivingash Jun 24, 2019
Those encouraging words mean so much!! Thank you! And thank you for helping me not feel so selfish for being tired And frustrated. It's a viscous cycle that's that I've dellt with all my life(her being the narcissistic, alcoholic, controlling mother she is). And I really thought that her being diagnosed with cancer would maybe change some of those behaviors. Sadly, it hasn't.
(1)
Report
Have you talked to her caseworker? I've never heard of Medicaid only covering 5 prescriptions a month.

She should be using her SSI to pay for her needs. What is she using that money for?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Is she not on Medicaid? Has she applied?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Why would you give the money you make to her?

Open your own account. Deposit your money there.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Caregivingash Jun 24, 2019
See does have Medicaid and a supplemental insurance as well. They have covered everything up until she needed a wheelchair(wouldn't cover it), peg tube feeding, and she is allowed 5 prescriptions a month that can be covered by her insurance BUT she now has 8 prescription a month. So I have to pay for those. And I am searching for coupons and organizations that help with things like that. I have sent applications to a few already. As far as the money situation, I'm a food runner at a restaurant ha. Two days a week isn't even $100 a week. But until the help I've applied for hopefully kicks in, in have to buy the food for tube feeding and the other 3 prescriptions. Plus gas taking her back and forth to the Dr which is in a town 30 minutes from us. She gets SSI monthly but she won't help me any with the things she needs. And she gets way more than my little weekly paycheck. I feel like I'm her and she just wants to see how far I'll bend over backwards for her. I love my mom. Hence the reason I'm the only one taking care of her. I feel manipulated and unappreciated. It's selfish I know. But I'm the only one who hasn't turned my back on her and she takes total advantage of me, I feel. I do appreciate the financial advice. Hopefully soon I can open up my own account and try to get my life somewhat straight ❤
(0)
Report
"Just" been "difficult"?

Phew. I should say.

Um. There is a book called "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It is by Christine Ann Lawson, and I found it a complete eye-opener. Its great strength, I thought, is that it only claims to be an introduction to the issues, but all the same it offers effective techniques for establishing boundaries and changing the way that YOU look at the problems that do (and don't) need solving. So I'd strongly recommend that.

Okay, so your mother has all the professional support that she could reasonably expect, and the main reason it isn't working is that she won't use it.

Would that be a fair, broad-brush summary?

One point that does stick out, though - the medications that aren't covered: her doctor must either change them to comply with the approved list, or help her argue with the insurers. Either is an acceptable solution, whereas your paying for them is not.

I have to go out but I'm not leaving it there! This does have to change, and you can change it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Caregivingash Jun 24, 2019
You're so awesome! You hit the nail on the head. She purposely hinders herself (not taking meds, not following Drs orders etc.) Just so I can be there to take care of her. She doesn't want me to ever leave. Seriously. I have my own life that has been put on halt indefinitely. And at the beginning of moms cancer journey I willingly dropped EVERYTHING to be by her side every step of the way. And I was. Every Dr appointment, I was there, the week she spent in the hospital, I stayed with her every night. Once she came home from the hospital I decided to temporarily move in with her because she was barely coherent, ya know. And my heart won't let me turn my back on someone hurting, especially family. But she is coherent as ever today and pretty much back to her old attitudes, and hateful comments and demands and not one thank you. I don't want praises by any means but come on! Just a simple thank you or nice gesture would go a long ways with me right now. Resentment is starting to set in and I really want to refrain from that, I will most definitely check out that book! Thank you so much!! And yes, the Drs have done their jobs as far as treatments and getting her in remission.. The fact that her legs will probably be forever to weak for her to walk farther than to the next room, is kinda her fault. Her oncology radiologist told us that himself. She just didn't want to take the medicine and no it's left her probably needing assistance daily on that part. You are so helpful! Thank you!
(0)
Report
You are correct! The money I'm able to make goes directly to her. I have a close relationship with her primary physician and the nurses and the treatment team. Sadly, her Dr. Had to give her "tough love" About a month back because she wasn't taking her medications that she obviously NEEDED and even the medical team has been at their worst end with her because SHE had to be in control of everything and it almost killed her. She can almost fully take care of herself, she just chooses not to. I've had no support really besides my boyfriend and best friend. My mom has earlier in life, ruined every relationship she had with any family member. Divorced my dad. NOBODY has wanted to deal with it because of how she treats people. I can't blame them. It's just been difficult doing it all by myself😕
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Caregivingash
Report
Ahmijoy Jun 24, 2019
I understand she is your mother and she has alienated everyone else in her life. But I think your situation is a classic case of what we here call “FOG”, or feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

What do you think the solution to your situation is, and are you seeking one? You say you don’t think your mind and body can take it any more. So, what do you think should be done? Can you ask her medical team, whom you say you are close to for advice? Right now, your future is a big question mark. Do you have health insurance or a retirement fund? Are you willing to face this uncertain future just to caregiver for a woman who most likely doesn’t appreciate you and never will? Have you explored Medicaid and Medicaid Waiver options for help with her expenses? If you are truly at the end of your rope, which is perfectly understandable, be proactive about finding alternative care for her and getting on with your life.
(2)
Report
I don't suppose your bank balance can take it, either. This is insane!

Are you in touch with your mother's lead physician? What kind of health care team does she have supporting her?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Caregivingash Jun 24, 2019
You are correct! The money I'm able to make goes directly to her. I have a close relationship with her primary physician and the nurses and the treatment team. Sadly, her Dr. Had to give her "tough love" About a month back because she wasn't taking her medications that she obviously NEEDED and even the medical team has been at their worst end with her because SHE had to be in control of everything and it almost killed her. She can almost fully take care of herself, she just chooses not to. I've had no support really besides my boyfriend and best friend. My mom has earlier in life, ruined every relationship she had with any family member. Divorced my dad. NOBODY has wanted to deal with it because of how she treats people. I can't blame them. It's just been difficult doing it all by myself😕
(0)
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter