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My MIL is 95 and lives in an assisted living facility. She has three children (my husband, IL and BIL). I am the primary helper as two of her children live out of state and my husband is not close with his mother. I have a difficult time helping her. She has never been kind or loving toward me but sees me as someone to ask for help. She gets frustrated if she’s not helped quickly and will often call many times to make sure I am doing what she asked. I’m a full time teacher, grad student and parent of two children still in school. I am burned out but feel guilty if I don’t jump when she calls. Either way I’m miserable. Is it okay to say “no” sometimes when what she’s asking is not life threatening (for instance, she currently has fuzziness in her ear and the nurse at her facility checked her and requested meds from her doctor but she wanted me to take her to the clinic)? Thanks for any info.

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No you are not a jerk! I get that your hubs is not close to his Mom, but why does this leave everything to you? If he dosen't want to deal with her, why do you get all the "fun" ?
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" I am the primary helper as two of her children live out of state and my husband is not close with his mother."

Why do her children get to bow out? Why isn't she living near one of the two who live out of state? Is she close to one of them?

Feel no guilt. This isn't your mother. She sees you as a servant.
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As part of backing away, you may want to give MIL an exact day that you will be available.

“MIL, you’re free to leave messages on my phone. I’ll be very busy with (insert kids’ needs here) for the next while. I will be happy to visit on Wednesdays. We can address your next week’s needs on that day. On that day, I will make sure and point you in the direction of whom, at the AL, can help you.”

Next, put her number on “do not disturb”.

Do not back down on this boundary. If you do, you will be back where you started.

Report back, as you are able. We’re cheering you on. 🏅
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Just say no. You are not being a jerk.
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The whole reason she’s where she is is so she can be assisted with living. By people whose job it is.

If the AL does not have a medical van, they can connect her with whomever does. Same goes for shopping. There are also same or next day deliveries.

I advise that you start weighting your visit time toward group activities. The senior will be showtiming as peers are incentivized to come over and say hi. They’ll get an instant popularity boost, as often having a family visit is the most prestigious thing ever.

it might encourage her to see that the whole world is not you, but Is pleasant nonetheless
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Your husband isn't close with her, but you are?

Yeah, I don't think so.

Tell your husband to get off his sorry behind and step up like a man.

(And no, you aren't a jerk.)
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Enough with the guilt! So many of us are overwhelmed with it. I’m trying to learn to shed it myself.

I’m part of the sandwich generation too. Three kids still in school. I couldn’t be there literally 24/7 as requested and I faced my mother’s wrath, which I washed down with a mug of guilt. You don’t say if she has dementia. It’s well established that there is no reasoning with some people.

Re: the guilt. Let’s say you want to go to the local yarn store before the big sale ends. But your car is in the shop, so you ask your neighbour for a ride. She says she’s busy today but she’ll drive you tomorrow. Do you think your neighbour should spend the rest of today feeling guilty that she can’t drive you today? No, and neither should you when you can’t fulfill your MIL’s non-urgent requests.

Plan a response. “(insert name or role) at the ALF is there to help you with that. I’ll follow up with you about it when I visit next (insert day).”

Repeat ad nauseum or ignore a call or two. It won’t be easy because you’ll heap guilt on yourself for not answering or jumping into action.

When your hypothetical neighbour said she couldn’t drive you to the imaginary yarn store until tomorrow, did you think horrible things about how selfish she is? How she should have dropped everything to fulfill your request?

If your MIL is of sound mind and rips into you for failing to immediately fulfill her every want, you have a very self-absorbed MIL. Old dogs can learn new tricks, and she can learn that you will assist her on your own terms. Or she can complain a lot to anyone who will listen. Save yourself.
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No, you are not a jerk. Your are a compassionate person who should have set boundries from the beginning. There is a reason why your DH and his siblings don't do anything for her, because she drains them.

Your MIL is an AL where most of her needs are met. All you need to do is get her toiletries and maybe depends. Start backing off. You do not need to be at her beck and call. Sit down with her, look her in the eye and tell her you will need to cut back. Tell her you have a f/t job, children, a home and you have school. Because of this you cannot be at her beck and call. Any problems she has she needs to use the staff. To her things are "right now" but she needs to understand that things happen in your time not hers. You are doing her a favor. There should be no guilt, you are doing what you can and she is lucky she has you.

I see no reason for a companion, she needs to socialize and join in. You need to ignore her calls. You can block her. You can set ur phone to Do Not Disturb then set it for only persons on your contact list will ring thru, taking her off ur list. She can still call but will go to VM. If not an emergency, you do things in your time. "No sorry, can't do it now but will pick it up next time I am out." She is fed 3 meals a day and snacks. She is bathed and dressed. And if anything happens she has a nurse and staff .

I understand ur husband not wanting to see her but he can run her errands for you and you drop them off to her. I would also tell the RN that you can get Mom to ENT doctor when school closes. Before then it is not possible.

No is a one word sentence.

When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive (Boundries by Townsend and Cloud)
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Thank you everyone. I felt certain that I wasn’t being a jerk but my heart tells me that I should take care of her. But from what I’ve read from all of your comments, I need to care for her within boundaries. I can do that!
*Update -my MIL screamed at my husband last night because he didn’t answer the phone promptly and this was really the window her thinking about us and what we represent in her life-servitude. That needs to change. We are planning a discussion about it.
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Beatty May 2022
Great example there with that phone call.

I used to get calls from a SIL. It would be to actually speak to my DH but he was at work, busy, wouldn't answer. So then calls to me to call him & tell him to answer his phone! Just No. If I didn't answer the house phone immediately, mobile rings. If DH was at home the phones would all ring in turn. We soon realised it was driven by her sense of urgency, anxiety & unreastic expectations rather than any actual emergency.

Unfortunately these sorts of calls can become 'the boy who cried wolf'.

When I SAW this pattern I could explain what realistic expectations looked like for me/us. I didn't realise this was called 'boundary setting' at that time.

Of course with many, push back can happen. From mild testing to full on screaming fits to crush your boundaries flat. Make your own reasonable limits.

If I am free, I'll answer the phone. If busy, I won't.
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You cannot continue to provide all this help for MIL. Your children and husband(?) are the priority. Not sure about husband because he is allowing you to kill yourself taking care of his mother. Is he aware of your true feelings?

Do what you can from a distance, online,
do not answer all her calls and let her leave a message. If husband does not want to participate in her care let him hire a PT caregiver to see to her needs outside what AL provides.

Set some boundaries and take care of you!
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