Does narcissism run in families? I feel like God messed up, gave me all the empathy in my family, and the rest all the apathy.

I always wonder how can one person have so many narcs in there life, I've wondered is it me? Now I realize of course I had a narcissist husband , that's all I new, and I was groomed to be a perfect wife to a narcissist.

@anxiety - you have to cut yourself some slack. Here are the things I have noted about my DH (and SIL) over the years having been raised by a narcissistic abuser, that as an adult - they didn't even realize they still do.

1. They almost never make a decision - and when they do - it is monumental - even if it is just deciding what to do for dinner. And even that causes "buyer's remorse" and so much anxiety that its almost not even worth it.

2. They are so afraid of what other people are going to think of them - even if the other people don't matter to them. What other people think is very important. Even if they don't like them. Crazy Flying Monkey Aunt comes to mind. She is the bane of our existence...caused more problems than the relationship was worth. But "she must think we are terrible". AND?

3. They are incredibly negative. No matter how good things are going - they are ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing good every happens to them. And when something bad happens "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME??"

4. They expect the WORST - always. Even though both have been incredibly blessed - they automatically assume the worst is going to happen.

5. In a crisis - they are both terrible. I know why - I have seen their enabler mom (deceased) and Narc father (also now deceased) in a crisis. And frankly - just let me take myself to the ER or call and ambulance and leave the door unlocked. They all completely freeze up and focus on the most ridiculous things rather than dealing with the emergency. (think - "do I have my cell phone charger?" and "am I dressed appropriately?" rather than "let's get in the car and go right now")

6. On the other hand - EVERYTHING is a crisis - even the smallest thing is immediately and without any time to process it - the absolute worst case scenario. Instead of taking a moment to assess the situation and figure out what the reality is, they just automatically go to the WORST case and overreact to the situation entirely.

Now, under a lot circumstances I would just think they were overly dramatic. But I've got overly dramatic family members on my side - complete and total drama queens. But during a crisis they eventually pull themselves together and do what needs to be done or get out of the way. What I've seen with my DH and SIL is pull full on panic and anxiety from their upbringing -mostly from fear of reprisal and punishment if they get it wrong.

There are studies that show when you are raised in narcissisticabuse - you can have something similar to mild brain damage damage. Specifically akin to PTSD and impacting the hippocampus and the amygdala. The hippocampus impacts memory and the amygdala (reptilian brain) controls fight or flight, heart rate, emotions, breathing for example. When you consider those two together - the outcome can be catastrophic and long term even with mild impact.

People don't really realize the amount of damage narcissistic abuse - even if no physical abuse is involved, can have on a person. And it can be long term. I don't know that my DH and his sister will ever fully see their own value. I know that even though he is dead, my FIL's voice is going to be louder in DH's head than mine for a long time - even though we've been married for 30 years. It takes time to recover.

Jada,

It’s interesting that your last line says that you haven’t spoken to your brother in years and it doesn’t bother you one bit.

I think that shows that you are healing from your past.

I’m reminded of a line in a song which states, “I don’t care enough to hate.”

Sometimes, people go through so many complex emotions before they reach the point where they simply don’t care anymore.

Usually, when a person stops reacting to something, they are over it. They are done.

They feel nothing but relief that a complicated relationship is over, instead of feeling angry or hurt.

They don’t waste another minute trying to connect with someone who basically doesn’t give a crap about anyone else.

I think the way people are treated by their parents when they’re growing up determines if they will be narcissist or not.

My brother was coddled by my mother his whole life from when we were young…..he is 13 months older than me. It seemed like she felt bad that he didn’t have friends growing up but it’s because he didn’t know how to treat people.

It should have been a red flag to me when he & his girlfriend then in their 20’s babysat for my oldest (his godchild) and I had to pay them.

Forward to today ….he’s a full blown narcissist who thinks only his opinion matters & that he can control everyone else. Needless to say we haven’t spoken in years & it doesn’t bother me one bit

Way's explaination of "soft" hit it on the head. I believe there are personalities that give off certain "vibes". I am one of them. And because of that we are taken advantage of. Seems, our feelings don't matter but we would not intentionally hurt another person even if that person hurt us. I did go out of my way for people. No longer. I also do not volunteer. If asked, I probably would do it but I can say no the next time asked. When you volunteer people think your available anytime they need you.

By "soft" its really we are easy going. "Oh, no problem" and we expect nothing in return. We want to be liked and maybe try too hard. Wanting to be liked is not good. As I have aged, I do not care anymore. I am not looking for friends. I have friends I can go out to breakfast or lunch with. I have my DH. I am content with what I have. I may be a hermit one day.

What you said, blue, that one paragraph, needs to be turned into a country song or maybe rap. Lol it hits home so much

Way, what you said really hit home!! I was the stupid one, undiagnosed dyslexia, I called a comb a brush, a brush a comb. Still get my Ds And Bs mixed up. As my mom said just recently, I was always good for a laugh!

I gotta admit I like this forum so much, but it brings a lot out of me, that I probably didn't want to deal with. And I'm seeing therapy, may not be such a bad idea.

I new my mom controled food. The boys got to eat the special snacks. There was a surprise, I got an eating disorder, because I was taught men eat first and more and get the snacks. So I delt with that. But this brings out so much I didn't realize, not really enjoying it. Lol

Full disclosure - I haven't read any other answers yet - on purpose.

My FIL was a true narcissist. All that was missing as a clinical diagnosis. He had zero empathy and it bordered on sociopathic behavior. I have known selfish people, and I have even known people with narcissistic tendencies. But he is the only person that I have know that I believe was an actual narcissist.

He and my MIL raised two children to adulthood (there was a third child who did not survive infancy - which he was fond of reminding my DH of the fact of he "got stuck with him", after the loss of his brother - I kid you not - that was the kind of person my FIL was).

Narcissists pit their children against each other. It is a GAME to them. Which child can rise to the occasion and win supremacy in their eyes -that's going to be the "Golden Child" - and that won't always been the one that is the high achiever or excels at things - but simply the one that plays the game the best. And any other child is going to be the Scapegoat or the Forgotten Child. Because one a Golden Child is chosen - everything is poured into them. And The Scapegoat is never going to be good enough, is always going to be the one they abuse the worst.

Now ironically - my FIL didn't have a Golden Child. He had at best two Scapegoat children - and a Golden Child who didn't survive to be the Golden Child. And half the time they were the Forgotten Children. But he was horribly abusive to both of them, physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally.

But he taught them "each man for themselves" for so many years that they didn't trust each other. That they BOTH thought the other was favored and never had to deal with the abuse.

REALITY? Narcs ISOLATE their children from each other so that they can't help each other. They make one child the scapegoat and another the Golden Child. They abuse them all and then make sure the Golden Child won't try to help the Scapegoat for fear of reprisal.

But you asked the question does Narcissism run in families? Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER. You can get personality TRAITS from your parents - yes. And your environment contributes to the development of your personality - yes. Sometimes narcissism develops out of trauma. Sometimes narcissism develops for other reasons. Frequently - the Golden Child can and does become a narcissist. Because they received so much attention and praise that they have an overinflated ego as part of their upbringing - and have watched other people (their siblings) be negated in favor of them being raised up.

So genetics can play a part - but there is a large environmental part as well.

Thanks guys, I probably use the term anger to lightly. Im a lot more on what I would call a healthy anger.

If my brother (POA) wants continued help with mom, then he needs to respect me, not talk badly behind my back to othes, answer my texts when I ask a question, not to leave me in the dark of when he is going to be around.

I asked him to meet me next weekend, I need to be strong to get what I want, so I kinda need a bit of anger in me for now. and so he knows I will walk if I don't start feeling respected.
And he will ultimately have to cancel his trip to Iceland in May if he can't find a way to appreciate me. He needs to know if I continue to be made to feel bad for not taking mom to doctors for xrays, in a snow storm and if he continues to being 2 faced I will definitely walk, because I deserve better

I’ve always wondered if we are born with a certain personality or if it’s all learned behavior. Are we a product of our environment or do we have an innate personality that stays pretty much the same.

Some people are able to overcome great adversity and others don’t seem to be able to cope.

Way, thank you for your post. I so relate to it.

My mother was a narcissist , diagnosed when she was diagnosed for dementia.
After the doctor had spoken with my mother privately , she asked me to describe my mother’s behavior before her dementia symptoms started , including when I was a child. The doctor said she wasn’t surprised based on the conversation she had with Mom before speaking to me .
I asked the doctor what she meant . The doctor said she would not tell me what my mother said , it would be too hurtful and that my mother had no filter anymore and to limit the time I spent with her especially if she was in a bad mood.
The doctor was more interested in protecting me.

Anyway , I don’t know if it runs in families or it’s a result of how one’s childhood was. My mother’s father was not nice to his wife. My mother was a spoiled only child until she was 14. Mom had a grandmother that spoiled her as well .

My mother had 5 children . I did not understand why I was the one she chose to put into servitude . My older sister explained it to me . My brother was the oldest and only boy ( the prince ). My older sister in my mother’s eye was the screw up ( long story ) . The 3rd child , she was like my mother . I was the 4th child . My oldest ( screw up ) sister told me “ you were the soft one and Mom knew it “so I was groomed for servitude.
The 5th was a “ surprise baby “ girl but was treated like the other boy she had wanted .

I have a relationship with my oldest ( screw up ) sister . She made some mistakes in her life but never treated me bad . The others , the minimal relationship I had with them fell apart while I was doing the caregiving . During caregiving is when I realized that the relationships had been superficial .

I did grieve over losing a family , but came to terms with the fact that there was no family, hadn’t been for most of our adult lives . Everyone went separate ways and some call once in a while to be nosey to see what is going on in each others lives . That’s not a relationship . I had to go no contact with my narc sister years ago .

Since Mom died , I only see my one oldest sister . My mother ruined the family by pitting one kid against the other all the time.

Anxietynacy , perhaps your brother doesn’t know how to have a relationship , or does not want to be part of a family for whatever reason. Does not mean he hates you. Perhaps it’s not as personal a reflection on what he thinks of you as a person as you think . Like Gershun , I don’t think my siblings think about me much at all. They live their lives. So I try to do the same and not kill brain cells or get my blood pressure up over them .

I'm sorry I brought God up. It always turns into a religious argument which never seems to get anywhere. Plus when it does become a religious argument the conversation gets removed by the admin. anyways. My bad.

I stand by my beliefs. I'll leave it at that.

As for narcissists. They are quite happy being narcissists. If you were to tell them they are that they wouldn't know what you were talking about. That's all part and parcel of their personality. Who me? A narcissist. What are you talking about? Then they would tell you that you are overly sensitive and you need help.

Best to just continue being your empathetic self and not concern yourself with what and who they are. They'll probably never change cause they don't think there is anything wrong with their behavior.

I do think Narcissism is a personality disorder that is not curable because they don't think they are the problem. I also think that a child can pick up narcisstic qualities from a parent. You learn what you see and hear.

It seems in families like these, there is one child that is looked at as the not so normal one when actually they are the normal one. The one born with empathy and because of that, they are walked all over and made to feel they are nothing. I have a internet friend that is a sweetie. But her Mom and oldest daughter are Narcissistic and have chosen to keep her out of their lives and her only granddaughters. Her and youngest daughter chose to move states away (YD had a job offer) their lives have been better.

Not sure how much God has to do with it, but we have free will. Don't think he expects us to take abuse. We need to walk away. Forgiveness, you can forgive but does not mean you forget or need to have anything to do with them.

Anger, let it go. It really is based on what you expect. You don't expect u can't get angry. My brothers are good guys but for some reason they did nothing for Mom, not even a weekly call. It upset my Dad. I mean no Mothers Day flowers or gift. No Birthday calls or gifts. Christmas, took till Easter before Mom got her gift. Me, they are the ones who should feel guilt. I do not let myself feel guilt because I was the one who was there for Mom. Anger uses up too much energy, let it go.

My response to the OP was in no way a criticism of God. Quite the opposite.

You are welcome to your opinion sp196902 but I disagree.

I can relate to sibling issues. Although I sometimes feel that I'm feeling a certain way about them and they are probably not even giving me a second thought.

When my mom died we all lost touch. I only ever talk to them at Christmas time and then it's all surface conversation, nothing meaningful.

I think I'm grieving the loss of having a family, not just the loss of my mom. But I also feel that a lot of my low self esteem comes from that family that I experienced growing up. They are all pretty mean and I was always the empath. I take things to heart big time, feel a slight long after it was given.

I heard recently that if we don't forgive people then we are thumbing our noses (so to speak) at God's forgiveness of us. Forgiveness doesn't mean we have to hang out with them, just let it go. That's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy by any means but I'm trying.

I hope you can find peace in your situation.

Thanks guys, I just really always wanted a relationship with him, and I realized it just never going to happen, he has no interest. It's actually good, now I can stop wishing and hopping , morn the loose and movie on.
I moved on from my sister mental issues, I can move on from this.

Just needed someone to talk to about it

So sorry that you’re struggling with sibling issues. Most people do have disagreements from time to time.

You will have to find a way to find peace for yourself and nothing more. You cannot control or change their attitude.

Wishing you peace.

Have you considered therapy?

Anger is caused by an unmet expectation.

An expectation is a premeditated disappointment.

Also, we can't choose our family member but we can choose how much or little we interact with them.

I'm sorry it's this way for you. No family is perfect. Some are definitely more dysfunctional than others.

Personality clashes exist, and that whether you share some genes or not. A whole lot of brothers and sisters don't get along. For me I was pretty much joined at the hip with my brother in love and understanding. He was a gay man who never had a long time partner after the death of his young "love of his life". I sometimes thing that makes a difference in many ways.

In any case, I think some personality traits and disorders, much like a personality that tends toward Narcissism is more learned at our parent's knees. Whether it is nature or nurture I am certain has been argued by much better minds than mine for many many years. May the argument continue in good health!