My dad has changed so much. He says hurtful things to myself and my adult children. The worst thing is that he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. When I bring it to his attention to try and work through it, he gets angry and defensive. I just did find out that he is in the early stages of dementia. How do I handle these situations? Trying to talk to him about it obviously isn't working. I want to just stay mad at him until he realizes that his behavior isn't normal. Then again I feel like I should just accept that this is the new normal for him and try to ignore it, and dont bring it to his attention because again he thinks im the problem not him. It's getting to the point that myself, my kids and my husband dont want to be around him. Then I feel guilty because talking to him about it may have hurt his feelings and maybe that is why he is lashing out.
Again, education is how you protect yourself from "hurt feelings". I wish you the very best and am so sorry.
Staying mad at him until he acknowledges his behavior or how he has hurt you sounds very childish and it will never give you the result you want. You will just be mad and alone with your hurt feelings indefinitely.
Yes, this is the new normal for him. The sooner you are able to accept that, it will go a little easier for both of you.
I'm not saying it should be easy. It is NOT easy for any family members dealing with a loved one with dementia! And, thinking outside yourself for a moment, it's not easy for him either. Just think how confusing his world is and how vulnerable it makes him feel. Try and have some patience, understanding and compassion.
Learn as much as you can about his disease, or dementia in general. That will help you to recognize and understand some of the unusual behaviors you will see.
Unfortunately, it will not get any better. It will only get worse, as he continues to deteriorate. At some point he will no longer be able to live safely on his own, or will be more than you can care for, and should be placed in memory care or skilled nursing.
It may be your dad's new normal, which is incredibly difficult to witness. But medications such as Seroquel and anti-anxiety given as needed are quite useful. My dad tried memantine but it proved useless.
One night at 11 pm I was called because my dad (who lived in another state) wanted to be driven to the library and stay outside the door all night so he could be the first one in when it opened.
There was no convincing him this didn't make sense. I did say that if he got a good night's sleep he could go early the next morning. I think he was also told that it was currently storming and he would get wet. (A little therapeutic fibbing goes a long way.) Morning came and he forgot about it completely.
Best of luck to your family 🙏🍀❤️
It takes time to stop reacting to words and actions as if our parents are still their prior selves. Those parents are gone. Here is some good wisdom to apply that I received from another caregiver:
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
I always say that dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. It's a big loss for everyone involved where we all come out with hurt feelings, sadness and a sense of horror as we watch our loved ones become a shell of their former selves.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.