Does it grate on anyone else's nerves when people say over and over, "You are so lucky to still have your Mom?"

I just have to look at people when they say that. My mother has never in my 70 years made me to feel glad she has me. Never supported me, took part in any of my activities or ever happy for me in anything I did in life. She tattled on me all the time to my drunken father who would beat the crap out of me while she just watched & never tried to save me from it. So no, no blessing she’s still with me. I’m her caregiver, a poor decision but I’m still bitter & angry because she still has no feelings or love for me. I think people should know the situation before commenting like that. Not everyone is blessed with a wonderful mom.

And I answered, “Yeah, so I can watch her brain rot away, not remember anything or anyone, be incontinent, suffer from anxiety, delusions and anger and die of end stage Alzheimer’s because she can’t swallow or sit up anymore. Yes, I’m SO damn lucky!

That usually shut them up. 🤐

I just want to reply, "She's not that kind of mom..." Blah...

Yes sadly it does. It is even sad when on occasion someone says during a difficult situation "don't you just want your Mom". Before the words left that person's mouth I found myself saying No.

My mother is not terrible but I have to say not the mother I would have wished for and not the mother I am. This leaves me feeling sad and guilty.

The relationship is so emotionally complicated. She is currently in AL. Yesterday was annoying because we were taking her to dinner and the restaurant was crowded and behind with their reservations. She kept moving her Walker in the direct line of traffic. I had to say I had spoken to the staff and I was doing my best. Frankly she was driving me nuts. I wanted to leave her with my husband and walk home. I didn't care that it was pouring outside.

She now takes medication but applied Christian Science theories to her life and mine. I abhor that religion. I suffered as a child being denied medication when sick. She is very overweight. I don't care anymore what she eats. It has exhausted me for years. I don't wish for her demise but I wonder how long she will continue to go downhill. She hasn't been healthy for decades.

I had bought her a new bra at her request. She told me it was too padded which it wasn't in the least. I now have to go somewhere else to try to find one to her size and needs. It is not easy these days finding truly old lady bras.

Our reservations were for 6:30. She said how nice it was to go out to dinner at that time implying she eats so early at the AL. She has said this before. It is really a dig.

I always try my best to not bring up the negative aspects of my childhood. She was not really meant to be a mother, having been a serious dancer which one would never know now due to the shape she is in and has been for years.

I could go on and on. She spent years in bed during my childhood. When my parents divorced I completely understood my father's desire for such. I was cooking and cleaning the house by myself at 16. I was an only child. She had a late miscarriage after me and I found letters to her best friend with so little emotion on her part.

She just has always been zany. I just came home last night and felt depressed. Sad for what never was nor can be now. She has has an ischemic stroke. That has made her less zany but it is hard to have a conversation unless it is a subject matter she wants to have.

This is all so complicated. I am in therapy and take antidepressants. Only my immediate family can understand my issues with her. I know I am fortunate to not have her behaving horribly as so many here have to live with. I know I will feel awful once she passes. At times I just don't know how to emotionally help myself as far as she is concerned.

Yes, it does in the moment, because you are so tired...and your locus of control about when do you recapture some "me time" is out of your hands. That is the hardest thing for me: recapturing "me time" means your parent passes on...so then you think, "Am I wishing they were dead, so I won't be inconvenienced?" But after the fact, when you don't have that nebulous, "How long is this going to go on?" hanging over your head, you do feel lucky to have some additional time.

It gets really convoluted until someone goes through what you are going through now. You never really want to accept that passing of the baton where you become the parent to your parent. And most of us have parents who don't want that either.

The best summary I had was from one of my friend's dads who said, "Sometimes the Golden Years aren't so golden." AMEN!

Yes, it grates on my nerves and I know it is abundantly clear they never had to deal with a long slow decline of a parent who mistreated them. I just shrug and change the subject. If you tried to educate them by saying that it actually is not very lucky to have a parent who doesn't remember one day to the next, it is not lucky to see a parent lose themselves and it is not lucky to sacrifice yourself to care for a parent who shows no appreciation ... well, they would just think you were just being a little *^#*#. (Sigh)

I think some people say crazy stuff just because they want to say something and they don’t know what to say. They haven’t been through it.

Like when people have said to me, “Do you have a belt for those pants?” Because they don’t want to hurt my feelings by saying that I need to eat and have become too thin. They see my pants falling off but they feel funny telling me that I don’t eat enough. It’s true I have never been a large eater and I know that I am underweight but my appetite is nearly zero these days.

Some people are rude rude though and have asked me if I have been sick and is that why I am so thin. I would never ask them why they are so fat?

Remarks do work on our nerves. Does help if we know they have good intentions. We can still request that someone stop saying things if they are bothersome and please don’t say to ignore it. Because if something is done continuously then it isn’t easy to ignore.

Having said that, if things don’t change then close that door. I’ve ended friendships with people as a last resort. Took awhile to get to that point but it happens. Unfortunately the woman that I no longer have a relationship with has pushed so many away, even her kids! She tried to manipulate her daughter so much before her wedding that her daughter ended up telling her that she was no longer welcome to be a part of the wedding ceremony.

It is hard for me to be around people who rhapsodize on and on about their ideal relationships with their mothers. They have what I longed for and never had. I don't want to cheat them of their happiness or rain on their parade, but I have to admit it really grates. I really don't like Mother's Day. I'm not proud of feeling this way. Ashamed, really.

Absolutely it grates on my nerves. However when my Mom was with me and asked how she was doing, her reply was “these kids are lucky” so basically we’re lucky she is alive. I couldn’t help myself so replied to her comment, no we’re not lucky, you’re blessed to be living where you do as you’re being well taken care of. Caregiving can be so stressful but I’ve gotten to the point I’m going to stand up for myself who has been my Moms caregiver for 13 years, as no one else will.

Does it grate on my nerves?

YES, sure does.

The answer is 'yes, and she is even more lucky to have me'.

Oh my gosh! It’s one of my biggest pet peeves! Or how are about this question, How is mom? They never ask how we are.

I fixed my friend who said both of these! Every time she said it, I said to her, “Well, she is very lucky to have me!”

Then every time she said, “How is mom?” I said, “I am fine.” She repeated it. I repeated, “I am fine.” She repeated once again and emphasized, “I asked you how your mother is?” I said, “I am fine, thanks for asking!” She looked so confused. I smiled and walked away. Hahaha

It seems like many times it's a difference of perspectives. I feel like a number of people who would say things like this perhaps lost their mothers through tragic circumstances or at young ages, and didn't get to watch as time ravaged their minds. Or their mothers were awesome people all around and weren't abusive or narcissistic. I could have been one of those people if not for my experience taking care of my father, which was no joyride. My MIL just passed several weeks ago, brain intact and a truly lovely and caring woman. She was my 2nd mom for half of my lifetime, she was definitely taken too soon. A friend of mine's mother passed away suddenly on Mother's Day a couple years ago, she was in her 50s. And I've lost other friends of our family in their 30s, who left behind young children. So they might also have that perspective.

It's hard to empathize with either side of it unless you've really been in it. Yes, my dad is alive, but damn he really sucks a lot of the time and caused me a great deal of pain. For those who have to watch their parents fall to dementia and Alzheimer's for years and years and see them suffer or be abusive, to do the types of caregiving like changing diapers or dealing with accidents, and constant hospital trips and dealing with the likes of elder care attorneys, Medicaid, facilities, etc....it doesn't seem like one is lucky to still have that physical body present. Like I said, it seems to me personally having been on both sides of this that only those with direct experience in something can truly understand.

But I would never tell someone struggling in caregiving that they should feel lucky or be happy their parent is still alive. That only invalidates the struggles of the caregiver and as someone who's experienced that, I know caregivers need to be validated just as much as the person they're caring for. Just as I would never tell someone who's lost their parent early or tragically to be grateful they never had to be a caregiver for said parent. That would invalidate their grief.

Please appreciate every minute. Someday you will regret that you felt this way.

I was a caregiver. My mom was very sick for many years. I was with her through it all. Some of her illnesses were very hard to witness. She lived in my house and died in my arms. I would have gladly shared my remaining days on earth with her if she could have lived longer.

It is Mother’s Day and many of us have lost our mothers. Those who haven’t will. To walk through the grocery store or mall, or to even check e-mail on Mother’s Day is terribly painful to those of us who have become motherless. I have friends that must stay home on Mother’s Day because they know the tears will be spontaneous and difficult to control.

Enjoy every moment. Don’t wish for your own life to pass more quickly.

I wish I could sit with my mother in the very painful last hour of her life so that I could tell her again how much I love her and how grateful I am for all the sacrifices she made for others.

Somedays I have a hard time accepting that I will never be able to touch her hand, hug her, hear her voice, or talk to her for the rest of my life.

People that had lovely moms that passed peacefully do not understand what the slow goodbye is like.

You are so correct that the body being present doesn't mean our loved one still resides there.

YES! I try to remind myself that this comments mostly come from people who have lost their Moms. Most have not had to serve as caregiver. But occasionally I just want to scream when I hear those comments.