Does it grate on anyone else's nerves when people say over and over, "You are so lucky to still have your Mom?"

The one I hated most was “you look so much like your mother”

Your question on here irritates me. Yes there is a difference between your Mom being alive or dead. Look at it this way, you can STILL hold her hand. When she's gone, you CANNOT hold her hand. She's still a person. A person that gave you life and this is the hand you were dealt. It's no ones fault. Hold your Mom's hand while you still can. God bless her soul.

Another thing, at least your mom knows you. My mom doesn't know my dad anymore and it's depressing him terribly. 64 years of marriage and she hits him if he tries to get in the bed with her and has pushed him out of the bed twice! He's 85 and still has his mind. It is a blessing that your mom still knows you. And no it's not fair that this has happened to us but what else can we do? Just keep loving her because we never know what tomorrow will bring. Best wishes.

Many folks, maybe the VAST majority of the world's population (though somehow I doubt it's truly vast), have NO idea what it's like to have been born to abusive parents, or to be subjected to constant abuse from parents whose conditions have caused them to become severely abusive.

Back in the day, people tended to die quickly from "old age." Now? People can live on into their 100s ... but ... all too often, they exist in horrific shape, physically and mentally. Destructive personalities tend to become even more so. And good people may transform into something intolerable, through no fault of their own.

In such cases, caregivers can love and cherish their hearts out -- but the outcome is still unhealthy for both parent and adult children. For all concerned, separation is necessary.

Guilt trips, especially from outsiders who have never lived with abuse? Not only unnecessary, but unnecessarily cruel.

"You're so lucky to still have your mom"... Yes, I do detest hearing that stupid comment from folks. (It's likely those who have never been a caregiver for anyone in their lives). I guess they do mean well though. (&I'm sure I've been equally insensitive, in other ways).

No it doesn't get on my nerves because I know they are right. It makes me fearful because my mom is 91, and for the past 63 years I have never been without a mother either in body or spirit. I am afraid of the inevitable; afraid I won't be able to cope and afraid I will never know unconditional love like that again. I know this isn't the answer you're looking for but I just felt I had to say what's in my heart.

How about those that had loving parents reliving "anniversaries" of the final months days and time of the death of their loved ones. They probably wish their parent (s) were still alive.

Speaking as someone who has lost her mom, yeah, it used to bother me a lot. Even though people knew I had come home to care for her in their minds they seemed to picture her as the woman she once was, not the shell of a person she had become.
And no, I wouldn't give anything to have her back again, not as she was at the end - that would just be too cruel for both of us.

Dear guiltridden64,

Your feelings are understandable. It is hard. Caring for an elderly parent that  is losing control over their mind or body or both is very hard. I don't think people mean any harm but it is frustrating to a daughter or son that is overwhelmed with caregiving. No one knows till they walk in someone else's shoes.

Please know we are with you. Thinking of you.

This person may seem out of touch with what you are going through, and you're probably correct. I've a feeling they themselves are missing their Mom deeply and that is the meaning behind the statement. You don't need to point out to them how put upon you are....They don't know what you're going through exactly -and you don't know what they are, so just let is slide. Unless you really want to educate them at how lucky they are their parent died so young and quickly and wish to share your misery....let it slide.

You have so beautifully expressed what I feel -- that I have already lost my Mom and that I have already grieved for her loss for years - and still grieve for added loss each day. My Mom is 99 and has had dementia for about 10 years. She has lived with me for nearly 3 years. I'm exhausted. When someone says how "blessed" I am to still have my Mom, I feel like telling that person that it would be a blessing for my Mom to pass away in her sleep and end her absence of a quality of any life and the destruction of my life.

I'm "cursed" with the hard work, anxiety, and stress of being the sole caregiver 24/7. I ache when I realize how much my Mom has lost -- her eyesight and her ability to read and enjoy t.v., her memory, her ability to drive anywhere she wants to go, her ability to go shopping, her own home, her comprehension, and her understanding. She's everything, except for me. It's heartbreaking to see one's parent disintegrate over the years. This is not what I call a "blessing." At 72, I'm scared of actually being alone -- for the first time in my life. My Mom and I were best of friends. But it's time. I'm ready.

Reading some of the replies below, I wonder, who said anything about abuse? Sure my Mom went through a very angry, aggressive phase with the dementia. Now she's settled down and is very loving and more even-tempered. It's the situation that is the abuse -- the lack of one's own life in service to the deteriorating parent.

Thank you for the reminder redsnappa7764:

"....Look at it this way, you can STILL hold her hand. When she's gone, you CANNOT hold her hand.....A person that gave you life and this is the hand you were dealt. It's no ones fault. Hold your Mom's hand while you still can..."

I'll go hold her hand, now.

Somber thought of mom since she loved the National Memorial Concert which will be next Sun,

I’d give anything to hear those words again ,,my mom died in July 2018 of Alzheimer’s and she was my best friend..her death nearly killed me I had a stroke when she was dying and it was late effects so I felt it after ,,it was a stroke in my cerebellum and I am a RN stroke certified but I was in such shock she died I never realized I had a stroke ..,my sister died suddenly 5 years prior of a PE at age 49 years old ..so mom never got over it and she declined over the past 5 years rapidly after the funeral ,,,..anyway it’s a long story ,,but mom passed away and I’m still lost ,,,I work at the same hospital my sister worked we were Supervisors together but in different units and my mom died on my sister’s old unit which was ok. ..they all loved my sister there and mom got the best hospice care her doctor is the medical director of the hospital and knew mom and my sister well and me ..and he took over her hospice care God Bless that Dr ..anyway please cherish your mom while you have her she isn’t gonna be around much longer ,,kiss her , love her and if she gets nasty , kiss her some more ,..love to you all and yes you are so lucky to have your mom ,,I wish I could kiss mine once more

Sending lots of love to the op ,,we all tolerate life’s situations differently and you are ok to feel the way you do ,,I hope your not offended by my comments I am still grieving deeply for my mom and sister ..so I hope you will over look any comments I made to this post ...i hope things get better for you and I wish you well ,,,you will always be in my prayers and I’m sending extra hugs 🤗..please accept my apology from a lost grieving daughter

I understand your feelings and admit to feeling the same way when my 93 y/o mom was still alive. She wanted to die and I wanted her to have as peaceful a death as possible. I was ready to let her go and when she was in her last month of life, her assisted living care givers rejoiced in each rally day while I felt deflated. I had already mourned her death and felt the body was just an empty shell. I can't give you any advice on how to deal with comments like you are hearing. Just accept that the person means well and move on.