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My recently widowed mom, 76, was just informed by a social worker 1. that her brother is terminally ill, and 2. he has directed hospice to my mother's home. She was shocked. Can he do this? He's difficult, stubborn and knows my mom is a soft touch. She cannot manage him, which he knows. I believe he's decided that without her husband around, he can just move in and have her cater to him in his final months. The siblings are not close. Mom only sees him when he needs money. The social worker says he is "self neglecting." He refuses to bathe or eat.

ScoutBloom, I want to make a few things clear

Just because your mother and her.brother are blood relation, that does not make her legally responsible for him in anyway. None.

Your mother is no more obliged to care for him than a neighbor is.

Even if your mother is able to provide care, she is not obliged.

She also doesn't owe any reason to anyone as to why she doesn't take her brother in. None.

If her brother has no other place to go, then the social worker will find him a bed in a facility like a nursing home. Hospice will go there and provide care for him. Your mother can cone to visit and check on him to ensure he's getting proper care.
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ScoutBloom Nov 4, 2021
Thank you for this. He has a daughter who won't take him in. He's made a lot of mistakes my mom can't save him from.
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Your uncle can't just move into your mother's home, with or without hospice care, unless he has her permission and she agrees to the whole arrangement! She can just tell hospice and the social worker that she's unwilling to have her brother move into her home as she's not equipped to care for him, being a recent widow and grieving herself. Not that she has to explain herself, mind you. Even with hospice care, your mother would have A LOT to manage on her own with end of life care for a terminally ill patient who refuses to eat or bathe and it would be very stressful for her, I would imagine.

Good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation
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ScoutBloom Nov 4, 2021
Thank you. I truly believe he'd put her in an early grave with his manipulations and demands.
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Your mother should tartly inform the social worker that her client has MISdirected hospice to her address. That ought to be the end of the conversation.

No, of course he can't just decide he's moving in with her. Yes, of course it would have been sensible, not to mention courteous, to have asked her before filling in the forms. But she needn't be shocked, just firm. Alternative arrangements will be made for him.
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ScoutBloom Nov 4, 2021
I ended up having that conversation with the social worker who called to check in on my uncle. I got the impression they'd just like him off their books and in my mom's house. But since we were putting up a fight, they'd lay off.
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I guess you got your answer. 😊 No Mom does not have to take her brother in. First, that she is a recent Widow and has enough on her plate. Second, they are estranged and for very good reasons. Third, she may not be capable of the care it will take. Hospice care in the home is primarily left to the family. An aide comes 2 or 3x a week for bathing and a nurse 2 or 3x to check in.

As said all the time on this forum "No is a one word sentence". And, you are not responsible for the reaction you get from the other person when you say no. Mom cannot be made to take brother in. And like said, do not even allow him passed the front door. Once in the house, u will never get him out. She cannot be brought up on charges. The SW is trying to lighten her work load. They will say anything to get family to care for someone. The SW will just need to place him in a NH. SHE will have to do the Medicaid application. She will need to set up Hospice. When he passes, she will have to make the arrangements for his burial and the State will have to pay for it. Oh yes, a State guardian may be set up for him by the court. DO NOT allow them to talk Mom into being his temporary guardian. She then will be responsible to do everything the SW will have to do.

Mom needs to call that SW first thing tomorrow morning and tell her she is not to transport her brother to her home. He may have directed Hospice to her house but he did not have permission to do so. She needs to be firm that she will take on no responsibility for him. The State will need to make provisions for his care. Maybe u can be there for support if the SW tries to argue. Be firm that this will not happen, tell the SW not to call Mom again and then hang up. Any calls after that tell Mom not to answer. Like said if they do transport Uncle to her house. She can refuse to take him saying she gave no permission or don't answer the door.
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rovana Nov 7, 2021
You might also point out to mom that she will be free to visit her brother and comfort him. But he will get better care in a nursing home and the social worker can organize all this much better and faster than you and mom could. No one is saying that she cannot be compassionate, just that in these circumstances, hospice in her home is NOT the best solution.

It is quite possible that brother has not been truthful with the social worker. So you will have to stand by to make mom's refusal very clear.
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Yeah, no -- Bro can't do that. If an ambulance transport shows up at her door, tell her not to answer it.
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ScoutBloom Nov 4, 2021
Thank you.
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Don’t fall for it. The social worker is looking for an easy placement. They’re known for using ploys like this, along with ample amount of guilt to get family members to take on these responsibilities. The financial, physical and emotional cost of using your mom’s home as a hospice will not be cheap. Tell your mom to not feel obligated to do this. She will lose years off of her life from the stress.
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JoAnn29 Nov 7, 2021
Medicare pays for hospice
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He's been using your mother over the years, and he's determined to keep doing that to his dying day.

Your mom can tell him that if he moves in, she'll kill him.

Sorry for my bad humor.

To answer your question, yes, hospice MUST have your mom's permission. They can't just drop him off at her place. Tell your mom to keep her doors locked and don't answer if he shows up.
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ScoutBloom Nov 4, 2021
Thank you. I appreciate this.
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Your uncle can not just move into your mom's home and demand that she care for him. She needs to tell social worker that she is not able to do this. Then, social work will place your uncle into a long term care facility for hospice.
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I don't believe that anyone -- in hospice care or not -- can simply move into another person's home without that person's permission. He is ill, but it doesn't confer the prenatural ability to override laws. Your mom has to inform the social worker that she is not prepared to take her brother into her home. If she and you wish, you can confer with the social worker about where he will live, but that is entirely optional.
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ScoutBloom Nov 4, 2021
Thank you. I listed the reasons she cannot care for him to the social worker. My mom is worried she'll be accused of neglect. I said that's only a possibility IF she lets him move in.
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She is 76 and widowed she does not need this burden. The fact that he did not ASK her is pretty telling what her future with him will be. Hospice comes in and leaves. They do not do the “ heavy work”. That will be on her. She needs to say NO . IMMEDIATELY and redirect them to a hospital or nursing home or his OWN home. Also I do not think hospice is free of charge. Good luck
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Lestax Nov 8, 2021
Aseemingly he is on Medicare, the cost to the family is zero.
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