Does anyone know why the "whipping post/scapegoat" child so often becomes the narcissist's caregiver? Even when they do not get on as well?

sorry, hit post answer twice

Sounds like you were groomed for this role by your mother. How did she treat your father? Like trash and he just took it. If that's the case, your husband may be meekly falling into that role. You and your husband need a counselor to help both of you become a team against her I wish you the best.

Because you agree to be the whipping post scape goat caregiver.

No is a complete sentence and is totally acceptable to say.

Yes, that and sexist expectations. I have been no contact with my cruel borderline personality mom & dysfunctional family many times during my life.

I often wonder if the golden child has inherited the personality disorder. I haven’t seen my brother up close during my life except for now while caregiving our parents. His behavior is like mom’s in many ways - including no conscience, lying, manipulative.

As the daughter of a Narc mother, the only thing that has saved me from sinking deeper and deeper into the emotional mess that I was becoming (or perhaps, did become for awhile) was to go grey rock with her.

She doesn't even notice. I did 8 months of cancer TX last year and she never called or inquired of anyone how I was. (sick, very, very sick).

When I went to see her, after chemo was over and I had just begun to grow some hair, her first words to me were "Oh, and you used to be so pretty". What a backhanded compliment.

Last week was her 90th birthday. My YS asked us to write her a letter and include good memories and such that we had of growing up. I just. Couldn't.

So I gave her a generic card and called it good. I'm sure YS thinks I was being a prima donna, but I won't lie to mother and pretend I feel like everything is peachy. I wasn't mean, I never AM, but I also do not have to kowtow to her.

I need peace--for myself to heal from a horrible year of being sick, and for my own self protection.

Sad for Y with whom mother lives. My SIL says she and YB fight all the time and he gets really, really angry. They both wish they'd never moved her into their home. 22 years now.

I remain a classic 'overpleaser'. But I choose whom I care for.

Helen,
If you haven't already, do some research online about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
It's very eye opening!!
You sound like many of us.
The classic "over pleasers "!
God bless!

Helenb, I too am the scapegoat/whipping post with my older sister 'golden child' doing nothing for our elderly parents. You ask why it happens? I think it is because we grew up putting our own needs secondary to our parent's needs. We made our parent the higher priority in our lives.
You have realized you are drained and exhausted. You also have realized your need for autonomy and space which you rightly deserve. Your mother's current needs seem to be somewhat minimal, but that may change. I suggest right now instilling very firm boundaries. Decide the frequency and duration of contact you can have with your mother. Decide how much "help" you are going to offer and how much you want your husband to participate. If your mother is like mine, she can drain the very life out of you and your husband and anyone else in your family you are willing to serve up to her. Read about boundaries and search youtube, because it literally saved my life. You and your husband deserve peace, and you are not responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of your parent.

I am having therapy now, actually, but still can't do much about the fact that my mother lives a few minutes away! We don't want to move, as we came here to 'enjoy our retirement (!)', and in all other respects it's a great place to be. I have read a lot on narcissistic mother-daughter relationships and now accept that I will never 'win her love and respect', but that doesn't alter the fact that I have to deal with a husband who doesn't really understand why she makes me feel this way (even though I've explained it often enough) and with the social pressure to 'be a good daughter'.

Plus what others have already posted, there is also the generational belief that daughters are often (usually!) the ones who are supposed to be the parent's caregiver.

I think you nailed it - Brother may have disobeyed her or she sensed he was about to, so time to find a new golden one: your dear Husband.

If your DH upsets her, Brother may regain his golden shine overnight.

I don't suppose you could move?

You answered your own question. Your husband is humble. Narcissistic people pick out humble, empathetic people because no one else will put up with them. Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.

I've read a lot of posts from people in your situation and here's my take on it:

Your mother moved near you because you are the one she has designated throughout life to be the slave to her needs. The golden child is above all of that, your needs and desires are the very last in the family hierarchy.
When the abused child becomes a caregiver it is because they have been conditioned to appease, to avoid conflict, to place themselves last and have never had therapy to understand differently. Somewhere down inside there is still a desperate child longing to finally win the love and respect of the narc parent.