When it got to the point where my mom could not live on her own anymore, my sister and I met with a great eldercare attorney. In addition to her explaining Medicaid lookback, trusts, etc., she said to us both, let me go off the clock now, and tell you a few things.
1. Within 5 years, your mom will be either in worse shape, or will be dead. You two may be in worse shape. Don't say you will never put your mom in an institution. Be prepared for that day.
2. Moving your mom is very difficult, if she is living with you, that one will be doing MUCH more work, even if the other does all financial, etc. She can not be moved back and forth. You can get a caregiver to help, but mom's income will only pay for one shift, 5 days. No matter how much the other siblings say they will visit, it will be less frequent. They will get sick, etc. If you two have a "tit for tat" relationship, it will not work.
You can not force someone to care for your mom. You do not indicate what conditions your mom has that she requires care so I will plunge along with the assumption she has some form of dementia. It is not a good idea to move someone with dementia as it can lead to more confusion. If your mom has assets and you want to care for her use the assets to make it more comfortable for her in your home. Make it easier for you to care for her. Hire caregivers to give you a break. (2 or 3 times a week for 6 to 8 hours for example. As mom declines increase the hours and days a caregiver is there) If you can not care for her for or do not want to care for her yourself then start looking for a facility that will fit her needs. Either Assisted Living if she can manage a bit now or look at Memory Care if she has dementia.
You can write any contract you want with any conditions you want and have it notarized but if the other person does not want to care for mom it is just a piece of paper that is meaningless.
I also suggest that you talk with an Elder Care Attorney to iron out legalities. And if you are going to use moms assets to make changes to your home in order to care for her safely and properly that should be detailed so that there are no repercussions later and so that it would not effect application to medicaid if that is ever necessary.
Thanks for your reply My Mother lives at home by herself now but has some difficulty managing and is extremely lonely I have had her at my home numerous times and already had her here for six months we had an agreement when it came time to go with my sibling she rented another apartment near me So my sister chipped in for her rent which both of always help with and decided those three months that were paid counts as her turn for three months so if hushed comes here again I’m not getting taken advantage again by sibling whose chose not to take there turn having her in their home for six months very disheartening ruined relationships several already
Caresplitin2020, I hope others have advice to share about templates they might have used to specify care among siblings and how it worked.
However, I'm afraid I'm not sure how any sort of document like this, even if you could get your siblings to sign it in front of a notary, would be enforced. It's not illegal not to take a parent into your home, even after promising you would. Law enforcement wouldn't be able to help you and I don't see how a lawyer would assist with a lawsuit.
Unfortunately, I just don't see what good it would do for the sibling who is now carrying the entire burden. Time to go in a different direction, I would think.
This is a touchy situation. In my family, my grandmother (Dad’s mom) was basically homeless. She had three sons and a daughter and all except the oldest son pitched in, if even for only a night or two. My uncle took his mother in when she had cancer and his wife, my aunt, cared for her 24/7 until she passed. But not every family is like that. Having a statement signed and notarized isn’t worth much if a sibling refuses to take Mom in when it’s their turn. What will you do, pack a bag and dump Mom on their front steps? You could always have something drawn up by an attorney, but the results could be the same. You can’t force them to hold up their end of the “bargain”.
Why not meet with them and calmly broach the subject of a facility for her? No funds? File for Medicaid. Promises made to “never put mom in a nursing home”? When there is discord in the family, all bets are off.
Again, a piece of paper, even notarized will not force someone who doesn’t want to take Mom in to do so. If they were willing, you wouldn’t need a paper to detail the when and how.
Thanks for your reply Thankfully Mom is not sick enough for a nursing home and we can’t afford assisting living A few thousand per month social worker said she would not get in anyway condition APHIB and PMR and severe loneliness Does not want to be alone anymore Uses a walker we have pt and caregiver now several times a week for a few hours a day
You can find a template, get everyone to sign, and get it notarized but there is no guarantee any of that playing musical houses will ever happen. Nor is there anything to put a bite in it. When it's another's turn and they say no - well, there you are. Mom still sitting in your living room w/her bags packed and no where to go.
Do siblings have money? See if they are more willing to pay for her care under your roof than they are to move mom to their own house. There are those who will pay good money to keep a problem off their own front porch.
You, my2cents, put it much nicer than I was going to say. I worked for decades doing contracts. People can sign but that doesn't mean they will honor the contract, which leaves the other party thinking about suing at worst - not a fun or inexpensive thing to do. I hope everything works out for you, Caresplitin. We're just saying as the arguing and sandbagging might be a red flag.
Your siblings had every right to chose not to take her in their homes. You don’t need to waste your time on an unenforceable contract. They made their decision so I don’t understand why you want a contract? You know they would have to agree to it and sign it right? What makes you think they would do that? You need to focus on a long term plan for your mother that doesn’t involve playing musical houses!! You cannot just move a demented person every few months, it is a huge disruption that will likely result in behavioral problems. If you are unable to care for her in your home full time, then It’s time to explore long term care or using her assets to pay for round the clock care in her own home. Neither you or your siblings are responsible for paying for your mother’s care either, she should be using her own assets.
This honestly needs a licensed social worker counselor who helps families with life passages. They replace the psychologist best at times like this. Honestly, this is a "negotiation". There are, first of all, due to your own lives and lifestyles, things that one of you is GOOD at and the other perhaps not. That one of you cannot possibly fit into a schedule and the other can. Start with a list of all the things that must be done. There are financial concerns that must be addressed daily, that cannot go the way of "my six months I write the checks". I would work this out with a disinterested party, the two of you being as cooperative as you are able. Wishing you lots of luck. I had a sibling when my parents were aging and he and I were joined at the hip in trying to do what was best, in supporting one another. In the end I ended somewhat in the care of my older sibling. And even THAT worked. So there is a relationship we have with our sibling that often carries through into all this. I wish you luck.
This is great advice and I agree that there are so many instances in which a social worker could help overcome obstacles and introduce some energy and options into situations that are "stuck." Unfortunately many people (including some in my family and likely that of the OP!) are unwilling to engage in this kind of thing. Many in the older generations can barely admit to any problems, let alone talk about them, let alone with a "stranger!" But it is worth it to try to find a third party who can diffuse tension and maybe make some constructive progress. Good luck!
Good luck with that..My brother talked a good game but I still did most of the work. Some siblings just do not have it in them to care give..It might be better to get counseling to wrap your head around the fact that mom is your job...My mom always said “Life is not fair....adjust”...so I did.. sorry!
Exactly. Some siblings willingly help. Some, you have to plead with them, only for them to come up with zillions of excuses. You’ll get some siblings that promise to help you, but find that it’s too inconvenient to their lifestyle. Basically, don’t count on them. Just plan that they won’t be there for you or their mom. Do what you can and adjust.
1. Within 5 years, your mom will be either in worse shape, or will be dead. You two may be in worse shape. Don't say you will never put your mom in an institution. Be prepared for that day.
2. Moving your mom is very difficult, if she is living with you, that one will be doing MUCH more work, even if the other does all financial, etc. She can not be moved back and forth. You can get a caregiver to help, but mom's income will only pay for one shift, 5 days. No matter how much the other siblings say they will visit, it will be less frequent. They will get sick, etc. If you two have a "tit for tat" relationship, it will not work.
You do not indicate what conditions your mom has that she requires care so I will plunge along with the assumption she has some form of dementia.
It is not a good idea to move someone with dementia as it can lead to more confusion.
If your mom has assets and you want to care for her use the assets to make it more comfortable for her in your home. Make it easier for you to care for her. Hire caregivers to give you a break. (2 or 3 times a week for 6 to 8 hours for example. As mom declines increase the hours and days a caregiver is there)
If you can not care for her for or do not want to care for her yourself then start looking for a facility that will fit her needs. Either Assisted Living if she can manage a bit now or look at Memory Care if she has dementia.
You can write any contract you want with any conditions you want and have it notarized but if the other person does not want to care for mom it is just a piece of paper that is meaningless.
I also suggest that you talk with an Elder Care Attorney to iron out legalities.
And if you are going to use moms assets to make changes to your home in order to care for her safely and properly that should be detailed so that there are no repercussions later and so that it would not effect application to medicaid if that is ever necessary.
Nor is it yours.
However, I'm afraid I'm not sure how any sort of document like this, even if you could get your siblings to sign it in front of a notary, would be enforced. It's not illegal not to take a parent into your home, even after promising you would. Law enforcement wouldn't be able to help you and I don't see how a lawyer would assist with a lawsuit.
Unfortunately, I just don't see what good it would do for the sibling who is now carrying the entire burden. Time to go in a different direction, I would think.
Best wishes to you!
Why not meet with them and calmly broach the subject of a facility for her? No funds? File for Medicaid. Promises made to “never put mom in a nursing home”? When there is discord in the family, all bets are off.
Again, a piece of paper, even notarized will not force someone who doesn’t want to take Mom in to do so. If they were willing, you wouldn’t need a paper to detail the when and how.
condition APHIB and PMR and severe loneliness Does not want to be alone anymore Uses a walker we have pt and caregiver now several times a week for a few hours a day
Do siblings have money? See if they are more willing to pay for her care under your roof than they are to move mom to their own house. There are those who will pay good money to keep a problem off their own front porch.
Start with a list of all the things that must be done.
There are financial concerns that must be addressed daily, that cannot go the way of "my six months I write the checks".
I would work this out with a disinterested party, the two of you being as cooperative as you are able. Wishing you lots of luck. I had a sibling when my parents were aging and he and I were joined at the hip in trying to do what was best, in supporting one another. In the end I ended somewhat in the care of my older sibling. And even THAT worked. So there is a relationship we have with our sibling that often carries through into all this. I wish you luck.
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