Does anyone have a sibling who wasn’t involved in caregiving suddenly start being accusatory?

Same problem with my BIL when my husband and I were caring for their mom. He was happy to tell us what needed to be done to care for her and how to do it. When my husband asked his brother how he was going to help, BIL replied, "She lives with you, she's your responsibility." My husband was so mad that he kicked his brother out of our house.

Not surprisingly, they have very little contact now that MIL has passed.

One of my favorite expressions to those who tried to tell us how to care for her is, "She who sweeps the floor, picks the broom."

Good luck to you. Know that when your caregiving is over, you will have peace that your sibling will not.

Tell them "it is easier to find fault than offer a helping hand" and disengage from the conversation by hanging up or walking away.

You know what you do, tell them if they can do a better job, they are welcome to it. Its easy to criticize when ur not doing the caring.

My SIL heard nothing but criticism from her sister when it came to Mom whom my SIL was doing everything for and they lived in the same area. Sister took Mom to the lawyer and had the POA reassigned to her. SIL handed everything to her sister and said "now you handle it". SIL's mother got in debt because of scams and over spending. SIL made sure her bills were paid. A couple of months after the change of POA, the IL where Mom was living called to tell SIL Moms rent had not been paid. This was POAs responsibility. SIL was able to get POA reassigned to her and sister never tried again. When Moms house was sold, sister wanted to know what her share would be. SIL told her nothing, its Moms money that goes for her care.

I was lucky, my brothers let me do the caring.

Gosh, I understand your situation, I have a brother that is condescending, arrogant and determined that he knows what is best. Just yesterday he was calling the hospital behind my back to find out what I was doing...very embarrassing since only one person is supposed to be calling...

Many of us here. My twisted sissies reported me to APS for financial exploitation. Of course, nothing of the sort was going on. Their goal was for me to stop caring for mom and they probably hoped that there was indeed a crime. I cared for mom 24/7 for four years. Anything they could do to make it more difficult for me, they did all while continuing their lives without any responsibility for mom.

Family dynamics can be so tough. All sorts of things involved. Guilt enters the picture I am certain. Grief. It is always easier to be angry than to feel our own inadequacies and pain.

Oh yes. My brother, who never attends any of mom's doctor appts or talks to her social worker, is constantly arguing with me about mom's care. I am following the are plan set up by her PCP years ago and we update it everytime we go in. He doesn't care to actually get the facts. I have now decided to direct his arguments to the social worker or a geriatric care manager. Just not putting up with it anymore.

Yes it happened to me in a fairly minor way. I was the daughter living some distance away but in the same city as mother in an IL facility, doing all the visiting, emergency hospital admissions, excursions blah blah blah. Mum has an accident, both sisters come because it’s serious. I talked to them about mother changing her IL unit to one close to my house, for easier visiting, grandchildren visits on the way home from school etc. Older sister gets angry, says that’s just for my convenience, mother is happy where she is. I sat in the airport with younger sister, weeping about both of them going away, 1000 miles on a plane, and leaving it all to me. No sympathy or understanding at all of what they were leaving behind. I got over it, this is years ago. But I now understand even more that neither of them had any experience or understanding of care issues, and it’s almost impossible to explain to someone who has their own different opinion.