Does anyone feel guilty for skipping a visit?

I am going through a similar situation, caring for both parents for more than a year. I´m an only child, father has dementia and mother has cancer stage four. I would suggest don´t being too sentimental about it. You are doing a job that is meant for a minimun of two people, if not more. Trying to fix someone elses life is not okey if you are harming yourself. Find a balance between your mother´s needs and yours. It´s a must. Hugs to you.

Devastatedmom12, I too am an only child and would visit my dad every single day when he was in his facility. I wasn’t as concerned with him transitioning and not being there as much as I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. He was also verbal and very much aware I was there despite his dementia, so we’d talk, sing, dance, watch tv together.

I absolutely felt guilty when I missed a day, but a time came that I needed a mental & emotional break and I took days here and there (once it was a full 5 days after a frustrating dementia day). Give yourself that latitude and as it’s been said, alert the nurses and they will let you know if you should come.

I will say go as much as you can, make more memories and cherish every second. I’d give anything to spend one more day with my dad, he passed in September 2017 alone at a wonderful hospice and I’m actually glad I wasn’t there to see him take his last breath. It was excruciating enough watching him decline. 

You are doing a wonderful job, as people always say take care of you. 

Knowing the end is near and trying to split yourself between Mom and your family is a very stressful juggling act. There can be no looking back at the what ifs and I wish I had. You have to make the right decisions for you at that particular time. When we put my mother on comfort care and moved her from the hospital to a SNF I had a couple of choices. Move her closer to me (I lived over 1 ½ hours away from Mom’s home and farther from the hospital) or keep her close to her sister who was helping me take care of her when she was still home. Since I also worked and had a teenage son at home with a broken leg just starting a new school year and a husband that drove nights, I kept her near her sister. That way my Aunt was more than happy to visit Mom daily and just sit and read all day. I was able to get there on the weekends and stayed in Mom’s house. I got a call early one morning that I should come and the end was near. My Aunt & I sat with her all day, her breathing was labored but little changed during the day. My Aunt who had sat with many people during their final hours said she thought Mom would make it through the night and that maybe I should go get my son & husband and come back in the morning. Before I left I told Mom if you need to go don’t stay for me & to give Dad a kiss for me when she saw him. I got half way home when my Aunt called to say she was gone. She waited until I was far enough away that I would continue home to get my husband & son. Your Mom will choose the time that is right for her and you should not feel bad if you are not there. Eleven years later I still tell myself we made the right choices at the time with the information we had.

You should not feel guilty for skipping a day. There is no way to know when she will breathe her last and it could be at any time when you are not normally there. You have done all that you can, it likely is just a matter of time. Do what you can, be there when you can and know that you have done your best.

I lost my husband three weeks ago. I visited him everyday at the nursing home except for one day when the weather was rough and I assured myself that he would be taken good care of by staff there. Sure enough, he was, according to the staff, he was vibrant and chatty. The next day however received a call from the nursing home he aspirated after breakfast.  At the emergency room, the doctors declared he was at the end stage of life and there was nothing more they could do. I was with him in our last journey together, holding hands, praying the Lord's pray but I wish I had been with him just the day before.

That's the same with me, my mom in rehab and she is having miserable life, but when I come, she does not remember that i ve been there 5 minutes ago and I am agonizing before and after. I cant bring her home and i am feeling all guilty about her being there and living such life. Wanted to write exact post but just see the responses here. horrible and terrible experience, especially if you know that you cant help. She was very active before that all happens (all by her fault and not listening my advice) but still I feel guilty and terrible and all my family struggle because of that.Coming every day but feeling that I am most of the time useless there...

poetry21 - do not feel useless. You ARE there, that is what matters. You are not a doctor nor do you have god-like powers or a magic wand. Being there for her IS important. As you noted what happened was NOT your fault (and you did try to warn her!), so there should be no guilt. She may not remember you were there, but you will. Go when you can, stay as long as you can and know this is what you can do and let the guilt go sit in a corner!